Friday, October 28, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Somehow, a lil note.

The Latte Mommy: Somehow, a lil note.: Still feeling kinda crappy - oh well, ill feel better tomorrow, . The boys have to leave me this weekend, so im sad already! I'll be working...

Somehow, a lil note.

Still feeling kinda crappy - oh well, ill feel better tomorrow, . The boys have to leave me this weekend, so im sad already! I'll be working the whole time, i just hate missing them. We are all each other has. My stomach has really been bothering me, i dont know if i have reflux or just some of the vitamens are bothering me, i dont usually have a full stomach to take anything on. HM maybe its my lifestyle catching up with me. Maybe its getting to be time to turn my schedule around- back from upside down. I was reading an article about self sabotage. I didnt finish it, - i cant finish anything anymore- very distractable. Anyway, it looked good, i;ll let you know. I hope its not raining tomorrow b/c i wanted to take the boys to Linvilla to get pumpkins and mums. That would be nice. Considering Halloween is Monday!
Thats me for you. last minute, procrastinator, but i get it done- SOMEHOW lol.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Mood journal HMMM

The Latte Mommy: Mood journal HMMM: Havent posted in awhile, I guess i havent felt it. I had some great ideas for posts last week, but i never went through with them. I will, w...

Mood journal HMMM

Havent posted in awhile, I guess i havent felt it. I had some great ideas for posts last week, but i never went through with them. I will, when im in an enthusiastic writing mood! Hopefully soon. I just hate slipping into this mode. Blah, Blah. I should really chart this , moods and see when , if, i am ever feeling good. Doesnt feel like it happens much at all. Tonight i have that stupid feeling in my stomach, the pit, the one that feels so wrong. I hate it. And its really hard to get rid of. Its always been there, my whole life, it just comes and goes, hints that things just arent right. Nervous energy, but blah, i did some cleaning and laundry, but nothing is helping me change this feeling. UGH. Maybe ill write later if it goes away., or if it doesnt!!!

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Latte Mommy: My tree stays up till Feb.

The Latte Mommy: My tree stays up till Feb.: Seems to me that i havent been very interesting lately, well let me think of something interesting to tell you. hmmm, see i dont lead the mo...

My tree stays up till Feb.

Seems to me that i havent been very interesting lately, well let me think of something interesting to tell you. hmmm, see i dont lead the most interesting life at this point. I mean there isnt much going on that would interest you. still have alot of junk surrounding me that i need to clean. lots of chores that are never ending. Im still watching Greys anatomy, im now on season 3- i get bummed out knowing one day ill be done. tHEN what.
Its great, its so chilly out and i have my fireplace going. Toasty, hey never thought of it, but maybe i could make smores there lol. Speaking of, ive got to get to Linvilla. I need pumpkins and i need mums. Ive got to get in the spirit. Ive got to find the rest of my halloweeen decorations. Ive Always been a decorater for the holidays, I put out stuff really early. I start to listen to xmas music, as soon as it starts, november usually. Ive kept my xmas tree up until feb once lol. Once the holidays come it feels so nice. I guess since Mike died, holidays are different, not so homey, toasty, kind of empty. But ill try, ill go look for my halloween stuff right now!!!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Latte Mommy: What if i really did win???

The Latte Mommy: What if i really did win???: Well, im sitting here, and ive been looking at the pile of mail- alot of junk- that has accumulated over there. Its been there a few days, a...

What if i really did win???

Well, im sitting here, and ive been looking at the pile of mail- alot of junk- that has accumulated over there. Its been there a few days, and ive been neglecting it. Why? who knows, this is the way i screw things up. I think nothing important is there, and then when i open it , im like "Damn, i missed that " or something like that. I've just been in a mood lately. Cant shake it. Im sure it will go away but im WAITING. Im trying, pretty hard, to push, but i can only push so far. I push to get the necessary things done. Anything extra is just beyond approach right now.
Although it is scary, knowing that ive felt pretty down for so long- is this just it? Maybe it doesnt get better and i have to learn to do this. I think id feel better if i just buckled up and did things i need to do instead of procrastinating like i do. It just makes me feel guilty and things dont get done in time. Even my latte isnt helping!!
Ya know i went out there, i tried all these different medications with my psychiatrist , and nothing worked or side effects were too harsh, I know a medicine cant make you happy but at least id like to say it would help my moods stay stable instead of so up and down. When im up, its great and i make plans etc that i dont follow through on because i go down so fast. Its ridiculous, Its disheartening, its stupid, its boring, its unnecessary, and it SUCKS.
I;ll keep on trying tho. Maybe there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Who knows, i may just be the winner of Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes lol. I might!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Not much to say

The Latte Mommy: Not much to say: wow, i havent written in a long time. I guess i havent had much good to say. Actually every time i started to write, something would happen ...

Not much to say

wow, i havent written in a long time. I guess i havent had much good to say. Actually every time i started to write, something would happen and i would lose it or just close my laptop all pissy, for one reason or another. Nothing great or exciting has happened, you havent missed much. Im on one of my work weekend insomnia episodes. Im used to it. Ill be tired tomorrow, put my head down at lunch, get more energy before i leave work till late tomorrow nite, then pass out, have to wake up to get kids off to school monday at 7a and then back to sleep till whenever. Not the best start to my week huh. I know, i know, i gotta get a handle on it. I will. I've been watching Greys anatomy, from the very beginning episode in 2005 . Im wondering why i never watched this before because I LOVE IT. Watching it on hulu - I've cried about 5x already. Good and bad / happy and sad cries.
Watching Derek and Meredith be in love made me crave that beginning of the relationship phase. With the butterflies in your stomach and your head in the clouds. Ahh the good old days. I swear that is one of the best feelings in the world. But , i digress.
My hands are just tired right now. so are my eyes. not my brain tho. or my mouth lol. I hate when my eyes are. Cant do much about it. YOu know i havent even really decorated for halloween much. I always do. I will. ok im going. ttys.
Hugs
T.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Acquaintances arent that bad, right??

The Latte Mommy: Acquaintances arent that bad, right??: I try to be a good friend, i really do care when people confide in me ,when they tell me about their joys and sorrows, i can keep a secret, ...

Acquaintances arent that bad, right??

I try to be a good friend, i really do care when people confide in me ,when they tell me about their joys and sorrows, i can keep a secret, i;ll never deny help to anyone and i love to help out-be needed- make it better. It makes me feel good to know im making a difference,etc. Probably why im a nurse. So why is it that i come across as selfish and that its all about me? I dont want any answers really! Its not a real question to you!! lol.
I dont know how there could be such a discrepancy . And if so, how in the heck do i fix it if i dont see it. I've gone to therapy over the years, ive been through alot in my 39 yrs of life, and in the past few years i've grown to really like /love myself . I got tired of beating myself up for things i cant change. Ive always stood up for myself but now i think i believe it more. Yes, i have flaws and i have insecurities and i may not believe in myself as much as i used to ( in my younger years) but i've matured in the fact that I really dont care if you like what i say or what i wear , i like myself and im not changing for anyone. If you dont like me, its your loss. It may be like i said in my last post, maybe i dont ACT happy enough or seem that i care enough. Maybe its that im too sarcastic and people dont really know if im kidding or not. People mistake what i mean alot, if im your friend, i never mean to speak ill of you or make fun of you.  If people really got to know me, they would know its just my demeanor , and actions speak louder than words, or the tone of words.
So, at any rate, I reach out, i try to be a friend, a real one. Making friends is harder than it used to be. Im not around moms anymore like i was when my kids were younger and doing tons of activities. I dont belong to any clubs, I take care of my kids, go to work, and really just try to get by everyday. You know its like the sayings, you cant cheat a cheater, or you cant lie to a liar (yes i just made that up lol) i see things for what they are, i see people for what they are, im very aware.
So when do i stop trying? (again, not a real question). I dont want to stop but how many times can i open myself up and get nothing in return. How many attempts at finding a really good friend, one that doesnt ignore me or talk about me, or leave me in the dust, do i make. its so disheartening. The only positive i can take from it is that if i only have acquaintances and nothing more, i cant be hurt as bad. I just have to make that choice, put that wall back up and leave it at that.
HUGS
T.