The Band Perry - Done (From CMT Crossroads)

The Band Perry - Done (From CMT Crossroads): CMT Crossroads: Fall Out Boy and The Band Perry

Finally done !!

Im just in a pissed off mood all the time.  Im just so tired of it. Its just  one after the other, people who betray me, why me? I dont know, i really dont do anything bad or mean. I often h elp people , duh guess I just need to look out for me . 

How do I explain ?

I don't understand wtf I'm doing so wrong in life that this stupid black cloud won't go away. I mean yea I'm no angel but I'm generally a good person. I take care of my kids and those close to me that need it as well. I do good deeds. I don't think Ill of people unless they totally screwed me over and unfortunately it's those the closest that have hurt me the most. Or an ex coworker or two that basically didn't care to think about it before they contributed to a major downfall in mine and my children's lives. At least I didn't think so. Anyway I'm really hanging by a thread here in so msny ways but I have to keep up that smile and pretend everything isn't falling apart as I try and explain how life sucks to my boys as gentally as I possibly can !!

The Latte Mommy: Karma sucks

The Latte Mommy: Karma sucks: I'm still waiting for the black cloud to lift. I think it might be gray now but definitely not sunny yet. I'm already a good person ...

Karma sucks

I'm still waiting for the black cloud to lift. I think it might be gray now but definitely not sunny yet. I'm already a good person so it's not like I can change and karma will suddenly take place. There is always room for improvement I know so I'll continue to do good deeds and hopefully the karma owed me ( should be a new house lol) will come true !!

The Latte Mommy: You cant get blood from a stone, or can you?

The Latte Mommy: You cant get blood from a stone, or can you?: Ill tell you, if its not raining then its f*cking pouring, excuse my French. I thought by now this black cloud that is hovering over me woul...

You cant get blood from a stone, or can you?

Ill tell you, if its not raining then its f*cking pouring, excuse my French. I thought by now this black cloud that is hovering over me would be gone. Ive suffered enough and had enough bad "karma" for all of us and then some. I seriously don't know why, im not a bad person, actually i think im too kind and giving sometimes.  Id say for the past 4 years or so, its just been one thing after another, never letting up. Every time something remotely good happens, im sure its gonna be sunny. WRONG and WRONG again. Its sad because all of this turmoil and discord in my life is basically due to the closest ones to me. I keep getting stung by the same bee. Even as I keep my distance thinking that's the answer, they sneak up on me.  I am glad now tho because my boys are 12 and 15 now and they are all I have. We are all each other has as far as "Family" and blood.  They are old enough now to see the shit that goes on, old enough to know its not me, im not the instigator, i don't meddle in peoples lives, DEEP in their lives just because they have a stick up their ass. LOL. I'm sure my grandparents , and my aunt , are up in heaven looking down and saying "Welcome to our lives, told you it was shitty" LMAO. I miss them so much. I have a ton to do, and i mean a ton, and somehow come up with enough money to pay my rent and electric before i get booted or in the dark! Cant get blood from a stone, but im gonna try!!
HUGS 
xoxo T.

The Latte Mommy: This time i admit it!!

The Latte Mommy: This time i admit it!!: I know i haven't been here blogging lately. Ive had so much to do, most of it bullshit that just needed to get done. Homeschooling the b...

This time i admit it!!

I know i haven't been here blogging lately. Ive had so much to do, most of it bullshit that just needed to get done. Homeschooling the boys and trying to keep myself going with my schoolwork isnt working out to well for me. Especially when i dont have my ADHD meds at all times,everything just seems to fall apart . There had been so many things i wanted to do and I had the means to do it, and get them, but i didnt. I knew that was going to happen. I should have put some aside, or just went and got what i wanted when i wanted instead of saving it to the end. Id say you learn some and lose some but somehow i never learn and still make the same mistakes over and over. School is really getting to be too much for me right now. I just have alot going on around me and in my head. I think the best thing for me to do is to put it on hold. Otherwise im just not doing well, not meeting the time constraints, procrastination is stil my middle name. Im not giving up tho because thats what she wants me to do and im not letting anyone win this but me. 
I guess im still just dazed and confused about what my own family has done to me. Ill tell you i never saw it coming but again i always have something up my sleeve and what i have no one sees coming. I guess in a way i have to look at it in a way that is positive, it really sealed the fate of the questions i never wanted to answer. What i wanted to avoid for so long is now done, it was done for me. I came out on top, i usually do,im a survivor, but i really had hoped it would never come to something like this. who would resort to this??? Well i no longer feel bad in any way shape or form for anything i did or that is to come. All i know is there will be no more contact , ever again. I forbid it. this one and only time, im living up to what they all think, this time i admit it, I forbid it. haha and i have the right to do that. Love being a n adult sometimes.
xoxox 

The Latte Mommy: Done

The Latte Mommy: Done: I am so freaking tired of getting taken advantage of, used for when its to everyone elses liking, keep meeting fair weathered friends. Im do...

Done

I am so freaking tired of getting taken advantage of, used for when its to everyone elses liking, keep meeting fair weathered friends. Im done with all that shit, for good!

The Latte Mommy: You cant play me...

The Latte Mommy: You cant play me...: I think ive become too trusting again, to everyone. Seems i go through these stages where i feel how vulnerable ive become and decide to fig...

You cant play me...

I think ive become too trusting again, to everyone. Seems i go through these stages where i feel how vulnerable ive become and decide to figure out what if anything is going on. I mean beyond what is right in front of me. I mean do people really think im that stupid. as stupid as they treat me, as stupid as they expect me to be. Like i cant count, or i cant hear, or i cant add 2 plus 2-in my world it equals 4, but others would have me believe i was wrong, or someone somewhere else was wrong. Im just so mentally drained with people playing with my emotions and my feelings. I think im loyal, to a fault. To the fault of getting my heart broken, by friends and men both.  Its funny tho, the way i let them keep on thinking that im that blind. Duh, i see every god damn thing that goes on in front and behind me. I see it coming and going. They just dont realize what im going to do , what my plans are , with that information. Ha, let them wonder just a little, let them keep on thinking they got one over on me, and when they least expect it, Bam, there i am, with my eye on the prize, holding something so important, wow, its an explosive feeling, when you are getting played, its almost a feeling you feel void without. Enough said.
Hugs xoxo

The Latte Mommy: I only lost my glasses today!!

The Latte Mommy: I only lost my glasses today!!: T his day is really strange, well i guess the past two. Ive been awake for awhile, not quite sure how long, Last week i was really sick, cau...

I only lost my glasses today!!

This day is really strange, well i guess the past two. Ive been awake for awhile, not quite sure how long, Last week i was really sick, caught something from my son and basically slept for 3 days straight. So naturally now im awake. Naturally for me that is. Besides the fact that my ADHD really interferes with a normal schedule of any kind for me, i also have a sleep/wake disorder.  Actually its called Delayed Sleep Wake Disorder and it often accompanies ADHD. Apparently its a real disability. Its just that I cant sleep when im supposed to , sleep better in early morning to afternoon, and often stay up for a day or two and make up for it by sleeping 12+ hours the next day. Its compared to living with 6 hours jet lag all the time. Nice lol. Anyway, i feel pretty good today, I really dont mind being awake alot because its when i can be productive and actually get things done. I have a to do list that is just enourmous and overwhelming to me. Even accomplishing one or two things a day for me is great. I struggle with that every day. The guilt of not being productive, its hard to deal with. Its not like i can just DO IT. It seems that should be true but its not. 
Aside from the fact of losing , i mean misplacing , my new glasses, ive been pretty focused today! lol
xoxo

The Latte Mommy: Head is spinning.

The Latte Mommy: Head is spinning.: Once again, i ask myself the question, why is life so hard? Or at least for me. I get so tired of my mind spinning and spinning trying to fi...

Head is spinning.

Once again, i ask myself the question, why is life so hard? Or at least for me. I get so tired of my mind spinning and spinning trying to figure out the answers. Nothing is ever easy, its always a chore, just to get the easy things in life accomplished. Im trying to go back to school, taking online classes- its so hard,considering ive been out of school for like 15 yrs at least. And the procrastinator that i am , im always underestimating the time i need to complete assignments so they are either late or i miss turning them in. Its not that i cant do the work, its my lack of organizational skills and my procrastination. Im scared ill never amount to anything at this point. Being out on unemployment makes me never want to work again. But im not rich and money from my late husband wasnt left to me last minute. He had some birdies in his dying ear so his girlfriend got 50k, and of course my boys have a trust. We werent divorced, just seperated but still loved each other. Its a long disgusting story of how people take advantage of dying people. To his dying day i took care of him, and was with him in the hospital that night. We had discussed it and he was leaving me money to cover all of our marital debt and so that the boys and I would have somewhere secure to always live, but like i said, things changed last minute when his girlfriend was a witness to his will, the one he made less than 48 hours before he died, and he was in no shape to make a will. But i wouldnt , didnt, couldnt fight the will. It was his last words, and who was i to fight it, besides his wife and mother to his children!! It wasn't in me tho. So i remain poor , living in debt with nothing to my name. Besides that, im scared of what lies ahead of me. Does anything? Im scared to fail school, be a nothing. My fear and anxiety overwhelm me at times. But i never let it show , to anyone. Being a single parent is very scary, and it pisses me off, i didnt sign up for this. Its no ones fault and there is no one to blame and I think that is why i get so aggravated
Enough bitching. I will overcome this like always, im just scared and anxious and tonight my head is spinning. Had to vent. 
xoxo.

Money makes my world go round

Well here I am , im using my new samsung galaxy notepad. Myself being an apple person its somewhat difficult to work with this. I love it but I still need to get used to it. Ive been spending alot of money lately , hencd the samsung lol. Its money I earned and im only spending alot in the beginning and then ill stop and invest some so I have some for retirement. But ill tell you spending money is such a high for me. Its just a feeling I get that is irreplaceable. So anyways I bought alot. I also finished school shopping for the boys. And really I can do my xmas shopping now  usually I get it finished on xmas eve lol but this year I can be on the ball. Everything else in life is status quo. I really need to work on my schoolwork and commit more to it  ive slept so much the past couple of days so now ill be up for a few. Its such a crazy to live but my body clock has changed. Another goal to work on. Ill put it on my to do list. Im sure I have more than one app here on my new tablet lol.
Hugs xoxo

The Latte Mommy: Stand up for yourself!

The Latte Mommy: Stand up for yourself!: why in the world would any woman let themselves be controlled by a man.  I dont understand, i do understand how people change, they may have...

Stand up for yourself!

why in the world would any woman let themselves be controlled by a man.  I dont understand, i do understand how people change, they may have not always have been a controlling man but then turned into one and you got blindsided. I can understand how you can love someone and want them to change, thinking they will lose their controlling ways, i can understanding that people get in bad , hard situations in life and lose alot, therefore depending on their man. Really we are all a step away from poverty, bad things happen and if you dont have a skill, a great job or a hefty savings account, you could be on the street. No one wants to be in a controlling relationship, i know people get used to it and its all they know so it really doesnt seem so bad. But COME ON, as a woman who is independant as hell, i cant see how anyone can let themselves be controlled by a man, who their friends are, where they can go, how long they can be out, always being watched, video taped, easdropped on, as if their mate should know their every movement and feeling. As individuals we are allowed to have our own ideas, our own voice and pretty much in any relationship we should be able to come and go as we please. If your mate is doing something bad, or you think they are cheating, they are going to do it whether you are watching them like big brother or not. Its just insane, the advances women have made, its like the stone ages. In my life so far, 41 years, ive NEVER depended on a man. Im independent and i love it. The minute i got in that kind of relationship, id be out the door. kids in tow.  With all the people in the world ,, we should all be happy, this is all there is. no repeats, you have to do it right, And with women banding together and helping each other get out of bad relationships and on the road to living alone , getting their life in order, it shouldnt be too hard. Alone, yes but with friends and family, its possible. I just am at the point in my life that i see life is precious and i would never ever live with someone i hate, or just pacify anyone. No one cares about you like you care about yourself.

no im not chewing gum!!

One thing that is really strange is that I used to have this "tic" as they are called, its like a movement that you cannot help doing know matter how hard you try, its annoying and distracting , etc get the hint. Well mine is like chewing the side of my mouth, looks like im chewing gum but im not. I end up hurting my mouth and tongue tho and its nonstop.  They say its the unwanted side effect of certain medications that you may have taken in the past/ Its best to stop the drug but that doesn't mean the side effect will go away. I was living with this for a long time and it creates SOOO much anxiety in me. Im taking a medication that somehow holds it down, makes the tic stop, most of the time. Now it stopped for a couple years and now it started again., seems to me the med has nothing to do with it, but i dont know what to do. Ive seen docs etc. no treatment for tics really!  So, i thought maybe stress, but im not more stressed now lmao.. or maybe its body stress, my face is breaking out alot. I dont know its just hard to live like this. constantly biting the inside of my mouth until im so sore i cant talk.  So there's my grouch for today. And pay attention to your medication side effects, they may just come true

The Latte Mommy: down a slope

The Latte Mommy: down a slope: I don't know what is wrong with me anymore.  I guess its just life, stress and the realization that now at 41, everything is on the rock...

down a slope

I don't know what is wrong with me anymore.  I guess its just life, stress and the realization that now at 41, everything is on the rocks. I mean im like thinking that life should have been set on cruise by now considering the life i led up until now. I had enough life events, enough drama enough loss, hard work etc.  Like somewhere down the line, my life made a left turn and it hasnt ever gotten back on track. I can definitely name specific circumstances that made an impact on my life, either i learned from it or just dealt with it but it looks from the outside that im repeating shit. Am i that stressed, like what happened?

No more friends

INow I remember why I don't have any friends. It's the borderline personality in me. It's the fear of rejection , and the feelings I get when I feel even a twinge of rejection. I throw myself all in and I guess I expect too much in return. Then when I don't get it I get hurt too bad. It's not even worth it. I feel sometimes that I'm so desperate to have a friend that ill jump through hoops to keep them. Not intentionally but my kind hear redness just takes over and I'm happy to make someone else happy. It's really no big deal for me but it seems I get forgotten about way too easily. It just doesn't seem fair. I give and I get stepped on. All for wanting a friend. Is it even worth it to try. I don't think so bc I've learned this lesson before , just not well enough. I don't want much just not to feel like I'm being used , to feel a genuine friendship in return. I guess this is the last time because I'd rather just go on bring a loner than to keep getting hurt over and over and it's like there is no gray area. It's black or white. So I give up now again forever this time 

The Latte Mommy: Vacation, where are you???

The Latte Mommy: Vacation, where are you???: we ll I made a new friend but im hopeful that her boyfriend lets her be my friend. he is kinda controlling. I dont know the whole story so i...

Vacation, where are you???

well I made a new friend but im hopeful that her boyfriend lets her be my friend. he is kinda controlling. I dont know the whole story so i cant pick sides but im harmless, i have no alterior motives, Im genuinely lonely as hell and need a friend like you dont know.  I hope it works out.  Ive been feeeling ok, my back has been hurting me like hell, i need to change my doc appt before i hit the shore this weekend coming up. Ocean City NJ here i come. It will be fun with the boys and my sister and brother in law and mom and dad. Nothing to worry about, well thats the way i make it when i vacation. I leave it all behind and just relax dont worry and be happy. Ahhh one week isnt enough!!! 
xoxox
T/

The Latte Mommy: Sub-par is all i can be.

The Latte Mommy: Sub-par is all i can be.: I think as im  becoming more depressed over all this im also becoming very hateful of the people that have wronged me and/or the people that...

Sub-par is all i can be.

I think as im  becoming more depressed over all this im also becoming very hateful of the people that have wronged me and/or the people that pretended to be my friend yet have either backstabbed me or in some way hurt me by not being there or caring.Im becoming a hateful person and thats not who i want to be. But im looking at these people and their lives and how much either fun they are having or places they have gone, as i sit here in my home, with zero dollars and not much of a future at this time. Ive taken my boys nowhere, i never had the money. I cant do anything fun with them, i dont have the money. We spend alot of good time together and thats what we have, its blissful. But its sub-par to the mother i wish to be.  Actually im sub-par to the person i wish to be, its hard to change t hings that are out of your control. I guess i should just keep to myself because every time i make friends and let them in, i get hurt, whether it be on purpose or by neglect but im tired of it. Im tired of fighting for nothing. It should have been me, 

The Latte Mommy: always alone

The Latte Mommy: always alone: you know, i hate to be a party poop but im feeling like its me against the world and i dont like anyone!i really do feel like a kid having a...

always alone

you know, i hate to be a party poop but im feeling like its me against the world and i dont like anyone!i really do feel like a kid having a tantrum but i feel like a kid who just doesnt understand what the hell is going on in this life. Its not supposed to be this hard, i mean come on, i really thought id endured all the life crisis and life altering events i should have by now, way more than normal. But it keeps coming, , its like push me down and at the same time, lets highlight the people who do wrong secretly. Im just in a foul mood, im sorry, i dont know whether im awake or tired or happy or sad or what, im just so mixed up and alone. always alone.
xo T.

The Latte Mommy: Its so unfair...

The Latte Mommy: Its so unfair...: Well im not as moody today but things are the same, no better no wor se, well in order to get my health insurance, Cobra, continued i have t...

Its so unfair...

Well im not as moody today but things are the same, no better no worse, well in order to get my health insurance, Cobra, continued i have to pay over 2,000. up front. I dont see how that is feasible for people. As im in this predicament im finding that the US sucks, i mean if i didnt have family helping me, id be on the street, If you dont have any savings, you are screwed if anything happens, how can that happen to someone like me, middle class, normal family minding my own business, then BOOM, the ball drops and its like you are in HELL.  Now i can see why some women turn to stripping or prostitution or some illegal activity, not that i advocate either of them, but isnt it sad that that is where the money is, that is where you can turn to stay afloat in this world. I just want to scream to one of those baseball players that make millions of dollars and ask for a little bit of money to help me get through. How is it fair in this world the hierarchy of importance..  Sometimes it takes a disaster to see things in a different light. to see from others view. and i dont like it. Things have got to get better!

The Latte Mommy: This is no life,,,

The Latte Mommy: This is no life,,,: Why arent things getting better? Im waiting for the sun to come out but its just pouring cats and dogs in my home.  Well my home for how muc...

This is no life,,,

Why arent things getting better? Im waiting for the sun to come out but its just pouring cats and dogs in my home.  Well my home for how much longer i cant say. Im losing everything right in front of my eyes. Now i need to get health insurance in the interim while im not working. Cobra is a joke. Its costing me 1900.00 a month to cover me and my two boys. Who has that kind of money?? In the meantime, we arent able to get any prescriptions b/c they all cost about 200.00 without insurance. This is a big joke. And they wont start it until they receive their payment. so until i get that money together im shit out of luck.. In order to get any assistance from the gov. i need to provide about 12 different forms and proof of everything and all bills. I dont even know where all these documents are! Im telling you, its a fine line between living a good life and poverty and being out in the streets, where me and the kids will be soon. The amount im getting for unemp. per month is barely enough to cover my rent. Im paying bills right before they shut me off. I cant keep doing this. It takes time to get a job, and start working and get a paycheck. I dont know what im supposed to be doing, oh right the advice of a family member, " i may need to change my lifestyle" hahahha, oh you mean no more steak and lobster or getaways to the island, lmao, i have nothing, i own nothing, im wearing clothes from i cant tell you when, i havent had a prof haircut in 5 yrs. Our staple is pasta, we go nowhere, what lifestyle???Im getting chest pain, i cant function like this. People should think before they open their big mouths, all over the place, thats how i ended up where i am, People talking about shit, talk, its talk that is going to end my kids and me in a shelter. Geez thanks so much , all my friends, not. I dont know what a friend is anymore. Ive got to go think

The Latte Mommy: Here comes a rant...

The Latte Mommy: Here comes a rant...: OK, are you ready for a rant because if not, you may as well not read any further.  I know the saying "God only gives you as much as yo...

Here comes a rant...

OK, are you ready for a rant because if not, you may as well not read any further.  I know the saying "God only gives you as much as you can handle" and I really was a believer in that. Ive been through rough times in my life, trust me and although they looked very grim, somehow i managed to get through it and learn from it and move on.  But lately, i dont know what is going on, i keep getting slammed with shit, excuse my french.  Its like I keep hitting a brick wall. Everything that looks promising and like it will work out great is just a big old joke. Its like i get my hopes up ( not too much b/c i am a glass half empty kind of chic) , and right when it looks sunny and bright it not only pours but its a hurricaine!  I am really in a position right now where i am so confused , its like the answers seem easy, to anyone else, sure just do x, y and z and it will all work out. But its so much more complicated than that. I thought it was hard losing my husband, my best friend for the past 22 years, but as the years go by without him - its been 3 July 1. it keeps getting harder and harder, to function as a single parent with two boys and when the shit hits the fan, its bad. 
I think i could keep saying the same things over and over in differnt words, but its of no use. I know that i will get through this, but at what cost? Losing my mind, my health, my sanity. It just cannot get any worse or i dont know what. Ill pride myself that years ago, i may have thrown in the towel, thought bad thoughts, went into a deep hole, but not now, i mean yes im losing it but i cant, not with the two loves of my life beside me , counting on me, as they should b/c behind all the parental guilt i feel, there isnt a bond like that of a mother and her boys. I gotta keep going. Just keep me in your thoughts, please xoxo
T.

The Latte Mommy: Life sucks right now.

The Latte Mommy: Life sucks right now.: I dont know why but i have been in a really bad mood, very irritable, no patience, nothing. There could be numerous reasons, but not to feel...

Life sucks right now.

I dont know why but i have been in a really bad mood, very irritable, no patience, nothing. There could be numerous reasons, but not to feel this bad. Im just beginning to see that things are not going to change, that its just a shitty hand i got dealt. Sure, ive made mistakes, chosen the wrong path before, but nothing to constitute this. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs more often than not. For the littlest things, its just life is very unfair, im struggling so hard just to keep it together, to keep my family together, to make ends meet. And im barely making it, I mean im a day and a step away from living in a box, a nice one im sure but for real. I dont know how much longer i can keep this up. Its eating me inside, and making me a hateful person. God life really sucks right now!

The Latte Mommy: Why is it so scary???

The Latte Mommy: Why is it so scary???: Im telling you, this ADHD crap is for the birds. Im so tired of it interfering in my life. Its like I have so much to do with paperwork, pho...

Why is it so scary???

Im telling you, this ADHD crap is for the birds. Im so tired of it interfering in my life. Its like I have so much to do with paperwork, phone calls , mail , bills etc the usual. And for some reason, even tho i have all the info in front of me, I cant accomplish anything. I used to be  * when i was in college and nursing school say 15 yrs ago lol* very good at these tasks. id get them done and be so happy crossing it off one of my hundred to do lists. I have so many lists and charts downloaded and sitting in a folder here, id love to use them but i just look at them and get overwhelmed. Why am i so , i dont know the word im looking for, all i know is that this is important stuff, crucial to surviving, i mean if i dont pay my car payment, ill lose my car, cause and effect, its very simple, yet i make it the hardest thing to do. Well im going to go now, i really have to try, wish me luck please!!
xoxo T.

The Latte Mommy: is there peace within?

The Latte Mommy: is there peace within?: blogging is tricky, do you want to put all your stuff out there for scrutiny , do you really care. I mean the reason alot blog is to get it ...

is there peace within?

blogging is tricky, do you want to put all your stuff out there for scrutiny , do you really care. I mean the reason alot blog is to get it out, instead of bottling it up. But i guess you have to have a line, one which is hard not to cross.  Im tired, tired of thinking , tired of trying, tired of disappointment. Im really pissed too at life, that at 41 im so out of place, thrown to the wolves so to speak. No where to run, no where to hide. Being a single parent has changed alot, as much as i would love to crawl in a hole , i cant. I want to ignore all these problems but i dont just answer to myself , and there is no one to take half my pain, or shelter me. Im out there in the open. I just want some peace within myself for once.

The Latte Mommy: life changes

The Latte Mommy: life changes: I just turned 41 almost a month ago, and talk about mid life crisis lol. I really thought id already had one , if so then  this is a continu...

life changes

I just turned 41 almost a month ago, and talk about mid life crisis lol. I really thought id already had one , if so then  this is a continuance i didn't expect nor invite. So many things have been happening to me, out of my control and up till now i think ive handled them very well. At this point now i've just about had it and im feeling really ugly (for lack of a better word) about it.  The thing is i dont know how to fix it anymore. And ive been bombarded with decisions to make, important ones that are life altering.  I mean sometimes im like ugh who cares, dont worry so much, life goes on, every day something is different, something happens, you cant always control things and the unexpected ALWAYS seems to come up when you think it is copacetic. I have so many forms to fill out, phone calls to take, appointments to make, and im starting to feel overwhelmed. As far as my ADHD goes, it can be stifiling at times.  With procrastination being one of my key problems, and with time being of the issue, im starting to feel the heat. And instead of getting the adrenaline, get going feeling, i get overwhelmed and stop dead in my tracks, i find many ways to put it on the back burner and cloud it with everyday mundane tasks i have to do. Reality of it sucks. It just brings me down. God if i sit here, i panic, because i have SOOOOO much to do, and really i have to do it all myself. Yeah instead of writing and complaining i could be doing, but when i tell you i cant write now, i cant. im just so disheartened by the things going on in my world, life seems so unfair but at the same time, i cant say that bc we are all healthy, and we have a roof over our heads ( for now lol) but things are worse in the world. Its just in our world, my world, things are very rough and its scary that im the one responsible for it all. Well enough of that, i gotta go. 
HUGS xoxo

The Latte Mommy: where do these feelings come from?

The Latte Mommy: where do these feelings come from?: Not quite sure where these moods come from, where do they originate, what makes them switch so suddenly, when im not even prepared. It reall...

where do these feelings come from?

Not quite sure where these moods come from, where do they originate, what makes them switch so suddenly, when im not even prepared. It really sucks. I just hate it when it goes from sad and blah to irritable and quick tempered , where is the happy part? Thats the mood that seems to fly by without me even knowing or recognizing it. I went shopping last night, that is one of my "high" feelings, impulsive yes, thrilling yes, but also short lived. 
Luckily im on call tomorrow, although sometimes a change of environment is what i need, i can even see how i self sabotage myself bc i know that for things to be chill and even keel i need to sleep right , eat right, and take care of myself- im eating right , just lately but sleep- not a chance. It just seems im the easiet one to ignore , i know i have to take care of me first so im trying to get the environment of my body just right. 
HUGS
XOXO

I hate sneaky liars, , cowards, wish they would just stop pretending ,
ITS SUCH A WASTE OF TIME!!!

The Latte Mommy: That overwhelming feeling

The Latte Mommy: That overwhelming feeling: Besides having ADHD, and some depression thrown in there, why is it so friggin hard to get myself together, my bills, my home, every aspect ...

That overwhelming feeling

Besides having ADHD, and some depression thrown in there, why is it so friggin hard to get myself together, my bills, my home, every aspect of them. You know when you see people write how hard it is to do the simplest things, like im saying, you want to tell them ' well stop talking about it and just do it! Seems and sounds so easy, its the easiet solution, but i get it now. It is nowhere near easy, its like standing at the bottom of a huge hill , with a broken leg lol  Its so overwhelming , in my head, and then it gets worse b/c i avoid and less gets done, more to do. Its so hard to understand the feeling i get when i look at it all and know what i have to do. Its overwhelming, its scary, its unobtainable. I guess bc i really cant keep it great is that i find i clean up my stuff and more just accumulates. Its never ending and i dont help it with my shopping issues. lol, i buy way too much, stuff i already have, i just like it. Ill tell you one thing, its very hard to admit this to the world, i know it in my head , When i actually do accomplish stuff i feel so happy and so content and proud. I guess ill just try hard today. Its only one day at a  time anyway, isnt it....

The Latte Mommy: wounds that just wont heal

The Latte Mommy: wounds that just wont heal: As I have grown into my adult life, well actually its just the past couple of years, im seeing that i must not have dealt with alot of child...

wounds that just wont heal

As I have grown into my adult life, well actually its just the past couple of years, im seeing that i must not have dealt with alot of childhood issues. Not blaming my childhood but realizing that things that happened 30 years ago are still very much affecting my everyday life and the way i raise my children. I think im noticing this more now because im parenting alone. If their dad was here, he definately would have worked through it with me, he wouldnt of let me feel what i feel so deep, scarred.
I had a difficult childhood, but had plenty of people that loved me. My mom was a single mom and did her best, hard work, raising me. It was my stepdad, that really f@ucked me up in the head, now im paying for it. Its like anytime someone yells at my kids, even if they deserve it, even if by a parental figure who cares for them. As soon as the loud booming voice starts, i cringe inside. It might not even bother the kids but its like im feeling it for them, going back in time and feeling it all over again, and i guess im feeling like i need to protect them b/c no one really protected me . The emotional abuse i lived through has never left me. I start to cry and feel it so deep. This is becoming a problem, and im seeing that it definitely has had an impact on my parenting style, discipline, or lack there of. I could go on but i think this is something i have to really work through, somehow. not very easy

The Latte Mommy: Goodbye again,

The Latte Mommy: Goodbye again,: Heres my opinion  on relationships , if you can fix the problem, fix it rather than hiding it, and then having to break up over it. Simply p...

Goodbye again,

Heres my opinion  on relationships , if you can fix the problem, fix it rather than hiding it, and then having to break up over it. Simply put, if its Facebook or yahoo messager that caused the problem and its a legitimate problem that included sexting and dirty web cam pictures, and it ruined the trust you had, id say a solution would be to get rid of your facebook and yahoo messanger for awhile, a long while , until the trust can possibly be built up again. But to leave it the same and then just promise not to do it again, (for the second time) id say its just laughing in your partners face and saying, no its not that important to me to do that. you arent that important. And with that, id say the relationship has no chance, and its time to call it quits, for good this time.... 

Alone again

How hard is it to be affectionate to your sig other? ESP when you haven't seen them all day. Home from work and sitting alone on the couch watching tv alone. Why ? What is so important ? The other end of the computer must be fascinating.that gets really old fast !

The Latte Mommy: Losing again and again

The Latte Mommy: Losing again and again: If you cant trust your mate/significant other with your most inner fears and thoughts without fear of being laughed at or told you are being...

Losing again and again

If you cant trust your mate/significant other with your most inner fears and thoughts without fear of being laughed at or told you are being silly, then who can you tell? I think i know the answer, a stranger! Or even someone you dont know all that well. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen, or say" yeah, it may be a silly thought but hey, you are doing the best job you can, alone" or " i may not agree with you, but as your bf, im on your side,whatever you need, im here". Since when did those words become soooo difficult to find and say to your loved one. Maybe i dont necessarily even want your opinion, b/c i dont need it, its irrelevant , but being ignorant is beyond me. 
I guess thats why ive become one of those people that keep my private stuff private, lol besides here! I dont post on facebook, tell gossip, open my heart like i used to b/c ive learned it will very easily get stepped on, used against you etc. I guess i learned my lesson again, the hard way. Keep all my worries, my fears, my highs and my lows to myself, bc they arent appreciated, they are either ignored or made fun of. 
Thats fine, i can do that, but it  poses the question again , how can you have any type of long lasting or meaningful relationship if you keep losing trust over and over, only in a different way each time. Promises mean nothing without action. 
xoxox 

The Latte Mommy: My mind wont let me be

The Latte Mommy: My mind wont let me be: I ha te feeling this overwhelmed, and its nothing special, i dont have a deadline or a test or a paper due, no its just the fact that i hav...

My mind wont let me be

I hate feeling this overwhelmed, and its nothing special, i dont have a deadline or a test or a paper due, no its just the fact that i have alot to do around the house, alot of paperwork, emails, things like that. And when i actually feel good and want to do things, i get anxious bc i get stuck. I sit here and think of all i can do, all i have to do, then it comes time to do it and i think oh id rather do this instead, back and forth my mind goes. So then i play bejeweled, and watch project runway.  Like im in mud, cant move. There is no reason besides myself stopping myself from getting shit done. I dont know how to stop this bullshit, its like you want to say " just get going, and do it"  Simply not that easy esp with ADHD and my mania.  There are times i get a good feeling and i get alot done but today i dont know why its just going in circles and im getting nothing done. Its just wasted time. I know it doesnt seem like a big deal, but this is what my mind does to me all the time, and its tiring.

The Latte Mommy: ADHD truths

The Latte Mommy: ADHD truths: I am exhausted, long weekend at work, not bad though. Ive really been slacking on all the shit i have to do. So much paperwork , bills to go...

ADHD truths

I am exhausted, long weekend at work, not bad though. Ive really been slacking on all the shit i have to do. So much paperwork , bills to go through. The usual. It never seems to get any easier. Im the best planner out there, but when it comes to execution and follow through its sad. I was reading an interesting article about how many women can escape the diagnosis of ADHD up until adulthood because they were able to fight it , overcome it, find ways around it, up until it was time to add managing a family, kids, finances for the family, ex- everything in life lol. Then it all falls apart. That is so the truth. I always wondered how i got A's and was sooo organized etc etc my whole life and now i miss paying the electric bill too many months in a row etc. Then i look back and remember all the color coded highlighting i did and all the index cards i created for studying and how i love stickers, and glitter and shiny things. I really did overcome it. Makes me pissed off bc i know my capabilities and yet, get stuck so often in this rut. 
Gotta keep on trying i guess. Night
xoxox

I'm out

I'm tired of being disrespected. There are so many little things and then there is the big things. And how rude to do these things when it's your third fourth , fifth chance ! Whispering on the phone is so obvious , but I guess doing things while I'm right in the room isn't that big of a deal now is it lol.
Things were supposed to change. No secret conversations , no passwords , no facebook etc. nothing ever changes longer than a few days. U know , when u think its all better bc of a few love words and promises that will be broken again and again. Trust no one again. Might as well talk out loud in front of me to her. No secrets ? Hmmm yeah right. I'm out. Whether its known or not , I'm out of this ridiculous attempt , once again.

I'm out

I'm tired of being disrespected. There are so many little things and then there is the big things. And how rude to do these things when it's your third fourth , fifth chance ! Whispering on the phone is so obvious , but I guess doing things while I'm right in the room isn't that big of a deal now is it lol.
Things were supposed to change. No secret conversations , no passwords , no facebook etc. nothing ever changes longer than a few days. U know , when u think its all better bc of a few love words and promises that will be broken again and again. Trust no one again. Might as well talk out loud in front of me to her. No secrets ? Hmmm yeah right. I'm out. Whether its known or not , I'm out of this ridiculous attempt , once again.

I'm just going to have to distance myself now. Figure this out alone. I'm still alone anyhow , maybe not in person but def in spirit and mind. So funny how quick things change when people think they got what they wanted Not.

I'm beginning to get a feeling in my gut. Like something isn't right. I'd say when I get these feelings I'm 95% right. I really hope I'm wrong !

The Latte Mommy: please dont break my heart.

The Latte Mommy: please dont break my heart.: I'm scared I'm making a mistake. I'm scared that besides being too trusting, that I'm being really naive and look stupid. Usually , really a...

please dont break my heart.

I'm scared I'm making a mistake. I'm scared that besides being too trusting, that I'm being really naive and look stupid. Usually , really all of the time I could care less what people think of me. I trust my gut instincts and my mind but for some reason I don't want to look like a fool. I'm following my heart and not necessarily my head right now and that scares me but the only way I can explain it is - we are really guaranteed nothing in life , certainly not even tomorrow , so why not follow my heart today ? Please don't break it again.

The Latte Mommy: Does a tiger change their stripes??

The Latte Mommy: Does a tiger change their stripes??: How are you supposed to know someone is telling the truth? How do you know they've changed? Because they say so ? I wish it were that easy....

Does a tiger change their stripes??

How are you supposed to know someone is telling the truth? How do you know they've changed? Because they say so ? I wish it were that easy. You would think that if you were given a second /third / fourth chance you would surely see and feel the change. Or is it only when the chase is there that its all or nothing. I really don't see how someone sleeping gives the other carte Blanche to find the attention elsewhere. Online , where else.
Who was it that told me a tiger never changes his stripes , right ?

The Latte Mommy: Truth be told, or not!

The Latte Mommy: Truth be told, or not!: Its so easy to give directions /advice/ instructions when you are looking at it from the outside in. When you dont have to be the one to do ...

Truth be told, or not!

Its so easy to give directions /advice/ instructions when you are looking at it from the outside in. When you dont have to be the one to do it consistently. And then again, we all have different styles of getting things done.  I hate to be the one who is inside the box, being looked at,because i can see it almost as clearly as if i were looking at it straight on.
So all is well, on the outside, but really the are as good as they were before,. You know now exactly what u knew then. It all seemed ok, But now really, how does a tiger change its stripes, and so god damned fast and matter of factually, If that was the case, why didn't  mind over matter prevail before? Really is there now someone  to say, "its not happening again". How many times do u believe the promises? One last time, right. Its always one last time. How stupid do we sound, "but this time, if i find out anything, its over" LMAO. how stupid. Looking in it sounds ridiculous and guess what, looking out it feels the exact same way.
Then again, there is the non existential (sp) side of it. Like who cares, we could all die tomorrow, no harm, no foul. Words are words, actions are just that. It is so hard to determine what exactly is so important. Or is any of it? Live life, but while looking over our shoulder? waiting for the other shoe to drop, finding clues. I dont think that is it.  It really boils down to the feeling of being taken for a fool, taken for granted, pushed aside. And then, POW, isnt the saying "you don't know what u got until its gone" a winner. And then it becomes the same old cliche, once you get it, the thrill of the chase is over. So sad we can pre-determine the path so easily. I suppose because in all reality, the more things change, the more they truly do stay the same. 
HUGS. 
T.