My mind wont let me be

I hate feeling this overwhelmed, and its nothing special, i dont have a deadline or a test or a paper due, no its just the fact that i have alot to do around the house, alot of paperwork, emails, things like that. And when i actually feel good and want to do things, i get anxious bc i get stuck. I sit here and think of all i can do, all i have to do, then it comes time to do it and i think oh id rather do this instead, back and forth my mind goes. So then i play bejeweled, and watch project runway.  Like im in mud, cant move. There is no reason besides myself stopping myself from getting shit done. I dont know how to stop this bullshit, its like you want to say " just get going, and do it"  Simply not that easy esp with ADHD and my mania.  There are times i get a good feeling and i get alot done but today i dont know why its just going in circles and im getting nothing done. Its just wasted time. I know it doesnt seem like a big deal, but this is what my mind does to me all the time, and its tiring.

Its raining, its pouring,..

I feel like shit. sorry but i do, im so tired , mentally and still not over this stupid cold/bronchitis whatever it is.  Mentally exhausted b/c no longer can i live paycheck to paycheck. For some reason i cant even accomplish that. Every month im coming up negative - i get paid twice a month so its happening twice a month. Service fees, overdraft fees, and no money to spend. I dont know what is going on. This has never been my life. Never ever. Im so ashamed, Its like im going days without being able to spend money and it sucks. We all need money for dumb stuff like gas, lunches, etc anything. 
I swear i feel like throwing in the towel. But once again, it comes down to the fact that im a single mom, taking care of a family, on my salary, 2 boys, a boyfriend, 4 cats lol.  Im not changing my lifestyle for other peoples issues. Ill be damned. If i cant buy my boys clothes at Target for gods sake, something is really wrong in the world. OHH and did i tell you its been pouring out, lol. My first car the o6 which i owe only 4000 on till i own it, now cant get inspected bc it needs 1000 worth of work! I cant even afford to get it out of the shop to bring it home. Like i said, it hasnt stopped raining here , the cloud is just lingering over my house when its sunny everywhere else, maybe i should start writing poetry again! Usually good stuff comes from times of dispair lol. TTYL 
HUGS 
xoxox

Money SUCKS!!!

I hate money, its the source of all evil. lol, really i love money, when i have it. Lately i dont know whats been going on but my money is disappearing quicker than i can get it. Its spent before my check gets direct deposited. I know i messed up my paycheck quite a few months ago, and it does take a long time, for those who dont know anything about money problems lol, it takes a long time to get it back together and catch up.  Then that leads to depression, and in my case, that is so true bc spending money is my high, it makes me so happy, and the only money ive been spending is for gas in my car, no happy dances been done at the local gas station either!! My friends at Starbucks are forgetting what i look like and my mouth is watering for my latte!! And i didnt get this way- poor- by overly spending. Its for other reasons,  i can quite say but lets just say bc my heart is bigger than my bank account lately!
 So i havent been around so much, you think id of been here to bitch more lol, but when i get depressed i tend to withdrawl from the world. Its not a good thing , I mean i have been working alot extra too , ugly hours haha, but its worth it. I have to, for my kids sake. Its a shame when their father died, he left them money but its in the hands of someone else, someone who doesnt seem to care if we have electricity or not, boy i thought that fell under the catagory of health, safety, etc. I know Mike wouldnt want this, what is gong on, no matter what the reason, he wouldnt want to see us struggling so hard, and to see the boys sad that im having a hard time, they can see it, read it in my demeanor, oh well. so i go on, the single latte mommy, doing what i have to to make it better for us - my family. 
HUGS xoxo

Where did "I"go?

Im wondering why my ADHD sometimes get out of control, when my meds havent changed and i thought i was on the right  path. I seem to get into a funk that lasts a few days, i dont want to touch anything. Then comes the next days where i freak out b/c nothing is in the right place, wash isnt put away, piles of mail are sitting , so i go full force and try to fix it all, irritated all the while but pleased when i finish. So why cant i stay like that all the time, or at least 90%. Life seems to be throwing some curve balls at me but im not one to hide from that, i keep on, just go go go. Lately ive been trying to figure out what it is that im missing, i think i just devote so much of my thinking to my kids or my home or my job that i lost the woman i was. I have lost interest in alot of things i used to do. Finding happiness has become very hard and im searching high and low, but when i have a set back as above, and am inactive lol, for a few days, i lose sight of the goal and the prize. You cant really live when its half a week! I have been sad alot lately, tears now and then, which i hate to admit. Feels weak. I dont know, seems time has betrayed me, its a concept i cant put in more words than that, its a feeling i just know. I really miss Mike, more than anyone can imagine, and bc i dont talk about it much or advertise it, i dont think anyone really knows the depths of my sorrow, my soul was ripped in half and taken away. I;ll never get that back . I cant wallow in it, but its an unimaginable pain that i bear everyday, and looking at my children makes me both happy and sad. i see mike in them more every day. Bittersweet to say the least. Im going to try and find me again, i dont see another choice!

Onward and Upward

Guess ill post since im on a roll lately. I got some money, and finally went food shopping. Feels good to have food and napkins lol. And something to drink besides water and milk. I brought my calculator and chris was in charge of keeping track of our spending. We did good i thought. I wanted to buy a million other things but i didnt . i held back and put them on a list. I didnt get my usual "high" from shopping tho. I felt good but not as good, bc i didnt get to buy anything for myself ,well i bought 2 pens, that was nice. lol  The $ situation will get better, it just a while to come back after you 've totally screwed up your budgeting.  
So i think im gonna begin studying for the CCRN. an advanced test for critical care nurses. Its a hard test ive heard, i have been wanting to do this for a long time. I have a study guide.and ive worked in critical care for 15yrs so i should be ok. Ive gotta do something , i feel very stagnet right now. I dont feel like i have much of a purpose right now. I mean, besides raising my children, which is very important, ive got nothing going on. And i think in order to be a good parent and be happy i have to keep myself fulfilled.  its not easy and turning 40 was a bummer and again made me look at my life. I keep thinking this cant be all there is. What is it all for.I lost my husband, my best friend, almost coming up on 2 yrs ago. Time flies, but what have i accomplished in that time- not much at all. ive just managed to survive. I thought by now, id be somewhere else. I need to push myself if i want results tho. I can be so much more than i am right now. I have to be. I cant continue to live like this. So onward and upward. xoxo

The saga continues

I love reading comments on blogs, i try and leave one when i read, just to let the blogger know, im interested, i can relate, and i like to read your writing. Its definately a motivation to keep blogging. I mean, for instance, someone writes a book, and its not on the best seller list b/c no one comments on it, even if its great, no one knows. Makes it easy to give up, why would they write a sequel if they didnt know anyone liked the first. Just a thought. 
I had applied to university to further my nursing career, rn to bsn program. And i got accepted. I was to start in fall 2012. I applied last xmas time. now im having issues, with the ignorant nurse lady in charge. shes just ignorant. So i dont think im going to West Chester university anymore. Id rather do an online thing anyhow.
I found this website, where it tells you what twitter people unfollow you, mention you, etc. So im unfollowing all the ignorant people who dont want to read my tweets anymore. guess i bore some of them. hahah. Yeah im like that, im one of those people who have to get you back to feel better when i feel hurt. I guess it can seem childish, im not even like that all the time. I just think that when i get my feelings hurt, - i wanna make that person feel shitty, i know im like ten years old right. lol oh well, its one of my bad things, dont have that many . 
I dont know why men dont understand directions, i mean just little life things, not building a city or acing a physics test. when you tell your man you need more , more words, more i love yous, more you are great hun, anything, i mean i feel loved in other ways but that is lacking and i really respond to that. So when i tell him, straight up, almost exactly what to say, for years lol, and he doesnt do it, why is he suprised that im not extra lovable all the time. I need it and hes gotta learn the hard way. 
Anyhow im going for now. going to see how i can suddenly come up with alot of money in a short period of time lol- yeah right.

Theres a hurricaine forecasted!

what else can go wrong? When it rains it pours, hmm what other little sayings are there for "Im screwed , again"  It just makes me want to go crawl under a rock. Its my own fault, i f'd it up, big time. You know when your friends are like, "im so broke, i have no money" and you know they are exaggerating, and they are fine, well, im not one of those people. I am broke. not a dime. Lets just say, i paid the rent on Friday for $xy and the check didn't clear yet. I checked my online acct today, now i knew i didn't have alot of money but i just checked it and it has $xy- xyz. Get it? Yeah right, im in the negative, in the red ($xyz).. So, if you can add, subtract, blah blah, you'll now realize that the rent check wont clear, well it will clear, but i will also pay a nice $105.oo overdraft fee to my f'd up bank. Yeah and then i have nothing left and i just got paid Friday, not to be paid again for 2 weeks. Hmm , ok. now what, what ingenious idea can i come up with this time. I already did this last pay, and its worse before it gets better. Like i said, my fault. i forgot to put my vacation time in when i was off, and my manager oh so friendly like, didn't care to notice that i was getting paid for 8 of the 48hours per pay that i work. What does she think im Trump and don't need to be paid. Its not her job but really, thanks! 

So as i sit here and cry (sorry, but i cant help it)  Then of course i go into to the "why me, why cant i be taken care of? Why wasn't i taken care of when i was left alone to raise 2 boys alone, did i say alone?  Was i really dismissed, , turned away, untrusted  or overlooked that easily. It would seem i would be a priority being im alone with the boys. im so tired of trying, of fighting , of figuring out all of life's problems.  I just want to be happy, or content, something other than i am, but like i said, when it rains it pours and its a hurricane out there. I just need some shelter, or even an umbrella.

Just another day!

Well its been forever since ive blogged, i guess i got lazy with it, didnt have too much good news to write and didnt want to be a downer. Not too much is new. Same old shit, different day. Im still trying to cope with this ADD, seems to get worse whenever it wants. As far as organization etc. I have bought so many organizational tools its out of control. Impulsive shopping to say the least. I certainly dont need it all, and then i go and give stuff away to people, but they dont mind!! Ive been slacking on my promptness with getting up and getting the kids to the bus on time. Im setting that straight from today on, thats so important. Spring break is next week so i have a break then anyhow.
As far as my social life goes, what social life? lol. Whatever i had of one is gone. No one to share alot of stuff in my life with, gfs at least. Oh well what am i gonna do, just deal, i been doing that at least. i think thats why i been down tho. Boredom. And when money is tight, which it has been b/c my pay was screwed up( my fault) b/c i forgot to put in for days i took off, didnt use any vac time bc i forgot so i didnt get paid DUH. So no shopping and just stress and worry for the past 2 weeks. I hate feeling so stressed with money. Thats when i feel the most alone, when i realize its just me, im the only one responsible for our life and our well being.
So many appts to make, things to follow up on. another stupid parking ticket- in my own development. Bc there isnt enough parking we have to park in an illegal spot sometimes and now they have the nerve that the admin calls the police to come ticket us. What bullshit. 70 dollars, and if i dont pay in 5 days it becomes 130, and you know i cant make it be done in 5 days, not me lol. Shopping is just a short term happiness but i love it. Calls to make, and i hate talking on phone. if i can do it online, its done. talking just sucks. So hopefully ill have more fun things to discuss. ill try.
HUGS xoxo

I guess its time to face it all !

Well, this year is almost over. THANK GOD. I dont think it was one of the best. I remember last year i was so ready for the new year. I kept believing that all the misery and sadness of mike dying would disappear and the boys and I would lead a normal, fun, new year where we were all productive and our problems would lessen. WRONG!!! . I kept saying, i cant wait for the new year, fresh start. NOPE. Just a day in the life. Now a year later, i dont know how i feel.
I am anticipating a great New year again. 2012. Its time we get it together. We've spent long enough in this mode. I've got to get it together and start being what i need to be. Doing what i need to do- when i need to do it. Im strong, i can do it. Whenever ive been down id always say, im a strong independent woman and i can do anything. Well its true. Ive just got in this hole and ive stayed there too long. Ive been trying to climb out but... now i guess i have no excuses lol. There are so many things i want to do, fix, work on, etc. If i dont do it , i never will, and i will continue to feel the guilt that i do. And its not worth it! 
Guilt is one of those horrible feelings that really dont do much for anyone. Its just bad no matter what. I need to release it all and realize i am doing my best, b/c i am. I am only one person, b/c i am. I can change alot of things but there are things i cant change, no matter how hard i wish i could. Wish me luck!
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012  

Sleep, no more?

ill tell ya what, im really getting tired of being up at night. I am trying hard to  turn it around, but its hard, esp since this is going on 10 months or so. Hard habit to break. It seems like it would be easy to do , switch it back, but my body is simply awake at night now. Like daytime. I've always been a night owl, until i had kids years ago, and before that nursing school, had to get up really early. Now i get the kids to school and asleep i go, until they come home. Its strange, like im doing nightshift in nursing, only prob with that is that nightshift i wouldnt get home until like 8 so i wouldnt be able to get them off to school which i enjoy doing.  I think with sleeping at night, id have to try really hard and then id be scared i wouldnt get up in the morning for the kids. I mean i go to work everyweekend 7a-7p so that i can do , I dont know, Its not that i dont feel good, i feel fine but im alseep when the rest of the world is awake, am i trying to hide from the world, is this my little recluse ive created that i enjoy not interacting with the world, have i become that social phobic , i mean i work fine but maybe i really want it this way. Funny what your mind can do, subconciously.

Bored out of my mind!!

Im bored, i mean im sure if i really tried, i have plenty to do, but ive done all i really feel like. Listening to a podcast now, first one was icu rounds, but his voice was so boring, now listening to an adhd one. More lively lol.  But im wide awake and dont know what i want to do. Ive vacuumed, dishwasher run, doing wash, straightened up, kitty litter, trash, went to starbucks lol, slept enough, now what?? Nothing is on TV, Switching up now, changing the podcast, still ADHD but a new one. Off work today, census was low, i was on call. i like to work but not when we dont have any pts. Ill take a nice warm shower soon, I really would be better off getting back on a regular schedule. up during the day, every day. Ill have to work on it, then , id be sleeping now and up when everyone else is.  Either that or switch to night shift lol. 
On another note, my fireplace is getting on my nerves, its gas, switch operated, and it wont stay on! Past day , it goes on for like 5 min and then it goes out. Maybe there is a draft somewhere but this shouldnt be happening, not with the rent i pay! So irritating. I could organize some papers, or go get the 2 days worth of mail out in the box, lol. orrr i could def go online and pay a few bills that are due, and im procrastinating on them. NOT good! Well let me go find something to do. Any ideas let me know
HUGS.
T.

Buying pretty things.

Wow, i havent written here in awhile. I havent felt up to par. I've just about been getting by. I mean, its all good and im fine. Ive just been blah and even tho it would probably benefit me to write, i havent.  Ive been a homebody, havent gone out unless it was necessary. Boys got their flu shots, playdates went on. Doctors got seen, but it was a huge effort. Ive definitely gotten really behind on the cleaning, i mean its not Dirty but unkempt.  I think when your house is dirty, and i mean dirty smelly, it has to reflect on your outward appearance. Like i make sure i look presentable, well pretty darn good, every day that im going out or seeing people. Now i could have sweats on and still look good. I'd rather have on something nicer, b/c i do feel that what you wear and how you look on the outside helps you feel better on the inside and it shows.  Im getting irritated tho with my makeup. I used to wear Chanel and i had the whole gamete. It cost me and arm and a leg but i never got so many complements on my makeup. Then when it wore out, i never replaced it all. So i have this brand , that brand, etc. Then i pick up makeup i like at the store, online, etc. But its never been the same, and now that im getting older, its more important . Im going to replenish my Chanel makeup and thats that. It will make me feel better, hell, i never do anything for myself anyhow. Live!! Now on to cleaning lol.

Not much to say

wow, i havent written in a long time. I guess i havent had much good to say. Actually every time i started to write, something would happen and i would lose it or just close my laptop all pissy, for one reason or another. Nothing great or exciting has happened, you havent missed much. Im on one of my work weekend insomnia episodes. Im used to it. Ill be tired tomorrow, put my head down at lunch, get more energy before i leave work till late tomorrow nite, then pass out, have to wake up to get kids off to school monday at 7a and then back to sleep till whenever. Not the best start to my week huh. I know, i know, i gotta get a handle on it. I will. I've been watching Greys anatomy, from the very beginning episode in 2005 . Im wondering why i never watched this before because I LOVE IT. Watching it on hulu - I've cried about 5x already. Good and bad / happy and sad cries.
Watching Derek and Meredith be in love made me crave that beginning of the relationship phase. With the butterflies in your stomach and your head in the clouds. Ahh the good old days. I swear that is one of the best feelings in the world. But , i digress.
My hands are just tired right now. so are my eyes. not my brain tho. or my mouth lol. I hate when my eyes are. Cant do much about it. YOu know i havent even really decorated for halloween much. I always do. I will. ok im going. ttys.
Hugs
T.

Bloggers block

Well i guess its been a few days since i last blogged. Ive been tired, Im trying to get my sleep somewhat back on track with the kids in school now. Im doing a little better but we will see. Besides neglecting my blogging, ive neglected alot of things. I have a pile of papers that i need to file, send out, get signed, deposit etc. Its gonna take awhile but i gotta get it going. Who knows if there is time sensitive stuff in there!! Had a good weekend at work. It was slow but nice. So far , great with the kids and school. Getting to the bus on time. no big problems with homework,(i know , its early!!) but it feels good. Not much else is new. I worked all weekend, yesterday i ran some errands and today my goal is this paperwork UGHHH. So wish me luck, talk soon!
hugs

How do we make them Want to learn???

I;ll tell you, kids these days , ughhh, When i was in school, elementary and middle school i had homework and there was no question that i had to do it. I didnt get to not study. I didnt get to come home and play on the computer for hours. I wasnt allowed to do much, and we didnt have after school activities like the kids today. I had dance. thats all. Now days, these kids do so many activities, they never have a dull moment. Thats the problem. Nothing wrong with reading or taking a walk or watching some tv or studying(god forbid). Extra work is a thing unheard of. They have no motivation , no urge to succeed, no goals. Its just ' get it done, least work possible. Then we have to be tyrants, parents who time their computer time, and badger them all the time. I dont know why kids dont have in it them. Is it because of how we as a society have evolved- how america is Lazy! It sucks, i want my kids to want to learn, make the world proud, etc, but its become a chore. I dont even know how i feel about homework. Its so much sometimes that their day is just one big "school" and it deters them. To some degree at least. After school time should be free time, they really dont have that much of it after all. But trying to cram it all in can be tiresome. I dont know what a motivation could be, i dont like the bribery thing, they shouldnt get a reward for doing good in school. its expected. So how do we entice them? How do we make them Want to be smart. This is a hard one, and one i;ll keep trying to figure out!!

Night ramblings and such...

Well this day felt like a waste. I thought id sleep after i dropped the kids off at bus stop so i came home and got on the couch with my blanket and layed there lol. I couldnt sleep! I tried and tossed and turned and i still couldnt sleep. My body was trying to sleep b/c i kept waking myself up by talking out loud!! I do that all the time, talk in my sleep. BUt i was waking up saying parts of sentences and moving my hands and then realizing i wasnt talking to anyone and faded out again. So i guess i was in some kind of sleep mode. HAHHA . So i was up and down and then fell asleep for a little late afternoon. Now im up again!
So i got some stuff done, still have alot to do. Unload dishwasher, wash, bills, etc. I have to stay up tomorrow am for a doctors appt at 10. Plus since i work sat am i want to be able to nap tomorrow later or go to bed early. YEAH RIGHT!! Sounded good
Keep getting these news alerts on some act of "terrorism" thats planned to happen on 9/11. There was a press conference but i missed it. I hate this shit. Not like i think my suburb in Pa is in trouble but you just NEVER know what could happen . I'll be working on sunday 9/11. I wont be with the boys until that night. Probably better that way. Keep my mind busy. Its not like i really worry much but i feel like id be stupid not to think about it.
Ok i took a small break, did some work. Eww i saw a cricket. It is so freakin humid and gross out. I hate hate hate this time of year. Bring me oct/nov/dec. Those are my fav's. orange leaves, smell of crispness in the air, mums, pumpkins, and the end of all the nasty little creatures. I live in a pretty wooded area and see Deer allll  the time. They are pretty. I love bunnies and deer etc but not little bugs and icky spiders and stuff. And my dumb cats dont even do anything, they make me get the bugs. So i got the vacuum out and sucked the cricket up!! Thats the only way i can deal with bugs lol. Im an ICU nurse and can deal with allll kinds of stuff -= but not crickets haha.
Oh well, ttyl.
HUGS

Another weekend

Well its Friday night, that means another work weekend has arrived, my 2 12hr shifts. I know it doesnt seem like much work to people, but it is some hard laborious work. On my feet all day, walking , then its pulling 200-300 dead weight and all the various equipment attached to them.  Not that i need a man to do my job but we all are little girls in my ICU, small, strong- but little . It takes a toll on you after what- 15yrs so far. My back has had it. I get home from work and im done! Calling the heating pad and the bath. So by Monday im so exhausted- now add on to that my (psych/med ) issues at the moment.
Im in the middle of switching up meds, need a mood stabilizer and my add meds arent fine tuned at the moment. Could it get worse lol. probably.
Sometimes i could care less what i look like at work, scrubs, clogs, etc but i think when i feel pretty- like my hair /makeup looks good and i have pink scrubs on- instead of hospital blue- i seem to work a lil better. I need to remember that at 530am lol
Ive been doing wash since last night- where did it all come from? I have so much mail, paperwork to file, to get finished, to start. Im such a procrastinator (add) . I'll tell you, i bought 5 good books a couple months ago and i cant read anymore. I start and i lose focus, i used to be such an avid reader. I really need to get this med thing settled.
ta ta for now.
Luv T.