when did everyone become so ungrateful

I am in a miserable mood. Its like my ADD is in full swing. I have 100 things i want to do at once. so many great ideas, then i attempt to start one of them and i become bored, so i think ok now on to the next  and that too, becomes no fun. So im left with a few started projects and a mess. even trying to organize my stuff turns ugly.

you know i hate getting caught up in the moment of things and then you look back at it and realize, it wasnt that big of a deal. I mean my kids and our wellbeing are the most important things to me. then comes my job, etc.  So when something bad happens to me, i let it bother me wayyy too much. I try and be strong, hold back the emotions that i used to not feel. I used to be icy, my family called me "the ice princess". ahh back in the day. Now every now and then i get all mushy and i cry at reruns of Grays Anatomy. and daydream of babies and little girls with pink bows in their hair. I love my boys!! So now sometimes the emotions sneak through and its so not worth it. People dont need to see me cry or sweat. because "this too shall pass"  . Anyway its hard to recover and put your pride back on. but after all, i know im a good nurse, i know im a good person, i dont need to feel small b/c of a few little things, that in the scheme of saving life, really have nothing to do with it, and its a shame people dont realize that anymore. Ungrateful!
enough bitching!! hey AT LEAST I HAVE A JOB, RIGHT? LOL

ADHD- the terror of it all

well  i have my meeting tomorrow with school for 13 yr old. Its about his 22 page ADHD report from the DCIU. (testing by school system) and then to meet with his teacher to discuss other things! GREAT. Im trying so hard and its not working. I guess i need to find more resources for him. Its just frustrating, esp when half your family doesnt believe in ADD even with a 22 page report lol. I mean if you read up on it, and really try to understand it, its brain chemistry, its not laziness etc. I have it, and i know what its all about, people dont realize what an obstacle it is. He is really smart kid and i am , always was but organization and focus and following through are hard things for us. losing things, forgetting things, losing interest if you dont really like it, i mean sure everyone does those things now and then but when its every day all day and its affecting your life, then its ADD, so to any non believers, keep it to yourself lol. I really wish his dad was here to help me and him. He and I shared everything about child rearing 100%, and now im alone with it. Its hard and scary. I know i can do it, its just a long road ahead, and its lonely. 
HUGS 
T.

Productive day ahead!!

I havent felt very good, so i wasnt ready or up to writing until now 630am lol. I just went to Starbucks and got my fav drink and one for later lol. Its my fav place in the whole world. Nov 17-20 from 2-5p you can buy one holiday drink and get one free!! YEAH. THey just came out with their christmas cups, tumblers, mugs. I cant wait to get mine. So kids should be getting up soon, and off to school. One has a field trip. fun. The other has some type of publishing party. Im not sure if parents are supposed to go. hmmm. So i just emailed his teacher to make sure if im supposed to be there!  I am sad to say i havent done or followed through on any of the big things i started. Phone calls, meetings, etc.. That is so me and that is what im trying to change. Why cant i? They say it takes like 21 days or something like that to make a habit. So if i stay up in the daytime and make sure i accomplish one thing per day. Maybe if i even start walking every day. By 3 weeks it will be a habit. Thats not long at all. I can do that.
Its chilly out, a little rainy, i love this weather. Cool, cloudy, i either like it like that, or sunny, no inbetween stuff.
So Im back, i took a little break, went to Starbucks, got a little list going now. Gonna be productive today- i promise me and you. Ill let you know what i get done later, But im dressed, doing wash, kids off to school, straightening up, and drinking my fav frappachino . Starbucks has their xmas stuff - mugs out. Yeah!! i need a new tumbler for coffee.
Well wish me luck, im going to have a productive day!!!
HUGS
T.

Bloggers block

Well i guess its been a few days since i last blogged. Ive been tired, Im trying to get my sleep somewhat back on track with the kids in school now. Im doing a little better but we will see. Besides neglecting my blogging, ive neglected alot of things. I have a pile of papers that i need to file, send out, get signed, deposit etc. Its gonna take awhile but i gotta get it going. Who knows if there is time sensitive stuff in there!! Had a good weekend at work. It was slow but nice. So far , great with the kids and school. Getting to the bus on time. no big problems with homework,(i know , its early!!) but it feels good. Not much else is new. I worked all weekend, yesterday i ran some errands and today my goal is this paperwork UGHHH. So wish me luck, talk soon!
hugs

I need some ME- time!!!

I really need to stop feeling guilty, i dont know why i am , i really dont have a reason. I was just reading an article about how women need to take care of themselves first . HAHA. I do need to do that. Women these days and I have to juggle work, keeping a home, raising children and having relationships. Its alot for one person to handle and oh wait, i have to take time and take care of me first. Not so easy. But as the article says if you take care of mommy, then you have so much more to give. And i believe it to be true.  Its not as if i dont do anything for myself but i rarely ask for help, i gotta do it all(according to me) then i  get frazzled that i have so much to do, and my ADD kicks in as i try to do it all at once. Then i get pissy and its not good. I bookmarked the article- i should actually print it out and stick it on the bathroom mirror. LOL,
You know i have to get it going for school starting next week. So ill have to flip my attitude quickly. So i guess i should start doing for me and making some things in my life easier. With all that we, I , women have to juggle - its no doubt we feel guilty that someone or something isnt getting our full attention. How can i do that if my mind is spinning trying to do it all- meanwhile getting projects half done and starting a new one. Multitasking , i thought it was great but i read something once about it and its not so great, as you really cant give your all to one thing. I am proud of myself for taking care of my kids alone now, i mean i have a great job, a car, food, a great apartment, health, and im somehow managing it all pretty well i guess. I really need to stop being so hard on myself. but its all i know, ive always been hard on me. It made me who i am. And i do like who i am!!

Need to step it up

I dont have too much to say today. Work this weekend was pretty good, Got through the "hurricane Irene" , got to work and back no problem. Just lost power for a bit. Had to get ready for work Sunday morning in the dark, - that was very interesting to say the least. Many bad words came from my mouth, hey i was irritable lol.
Kids start school next week, yeah ! well in a way. Now ive got to get myself back on track. I cant sleep all day, i have to be up in the morning to get them going, i have to be there for homework , dinner, etc, bedtime. Routine, Thats what we have been missing all summer. Routine and schedule, now  it may be ok for the rest of the world but to my "ADD family" its screwing us all up. Big time. I hope it doesnt take too long for us to readjust. But it will be comforting when we do. I just have so much to do and im getting a little frazzled by the thought of it. Of course, what i have to do is way more heavier on my mind than reality - im sure. I get like this when i feel things are out of control, im not in control. I used to be much better at it, Staying in control that is, but i think ive let it get the best of me and have really given up the fight.
I have to find it in me, and its right there, to get control back. Be what i want to be. im stronger than that. Just seems in the past 5 yrs ive been beaten down by circumstances so many times, i started to lose faith in myself. Its so easy to let it happen,
On that note, im gonna scoot.
ttyl
HUGS

Guilty of what??

What to say, hmm- well alots on my mind but nothing in particular - its like that!  My mind has been spinning like the hamster cage, but i cant say im upset or depressed or anything. I kinda feel numb! And thats no good either. That may be worse, i would like to be happy about something. I think its b/c my sleep has been really screwed up, and I know sleep is important in every aspect of life. Mental/emotional mindfullness included. Im getting tired of sleeping all day. I think somehow that i should be able to stay up late -well stay up, and keep going and going and then sleep. Its getting me unorganized- which is my goal. Im not writing stuff down like i do and im forgetting appts or im double booking, ugh.
Right in time for school, right! This is the time that im supposed to be supermom. Get everyone ready for school. 5th and 7th grade- its alot they need. We have a homework basket, and this year i bought new baskets and i need to put it all together, see what we need etc. Well i emptied the old one and the contents have been sitting on the floor here with the other 2 baskets Waiting, since this morning. Ive done nothing with it all day!  Its actually been driving me crazy, so i have to tackle it. 
One of the major feelings i have, i have realized lately is Guilt. I always feel guilty that im not doing enough for the kids. Guilt that im not June Cleaver , guilt that im not like every other mom out there. I think my expectations of myself are very high. And ill never meet them. I want to have high energy, get up early with the kids, be happy lol, but im a night owl, and ive never been high energy like i want to be. Im tired alot, things feel like chores, half of it is mind games im sure. I could get up but i dont. I get really mad at myself. And then i feel guilty. I read an article on guilt once. I bookmarked it im sure but the ADD girl that i am, can i find it out of the 200bookmarks i have here on my laptop? Doubt it. It was about letting go of the guilt and reading it made me feel good. Like i wasnt alone.
Well let me go look for it, and get moving on this work i have to do.
HUGS

Back to reality!

Back from vacation, well my short stay at the Taj Mahal, casino in AC. We had fun, we had a great big room, the grande suite- for 2 days, very discounted price! It would have been really fun to have some friends there too, maybe next time. Didnt lose too much money, played my favorite slot- wheel of fortune, i had too= and then we played penny slots , i spent a whole two hours with 5 dollars lol- felt like granny off the ac bus trip.  I didnt really feel like staying but i didnt feel like leaving. It was so overpriced it wasnt funny. My normal starbucks treat was about 1.15 more in ac than here. Wow. crazy. but at least they had a starbucks in the casino!!
So, now its back to reality, back to the daily grind. Wash, wash and more wash, unpacking, etc. I mean i just picked the boys up from my BIL's and now i have to drop them off there tomorrow night for work . Rewash the clothes they just brought home. Should have left them there- The clothes i mean!  I have to take my son to therapy tomorrow, and get his meds refilled, before the Strattera leaves his system entirely (BAD MOMMY) .
So i started my wash, the boys wash, and i just started straightening up, may take awhile tho.
One thing i will say is that im starting with this strange obsession/compulsion. Well something like that. I've always been a little disorganized, alot of papers, folders, lists etc. in my area. But i have never been dirty, in fact im quite the opposite, Im always cleaning. Now when i say cleaning, i dont mean straightening up, i mean, vaccuming, down on my hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor, or scrubbing the toilets, i mean real hard work. But anyway, ive become so that im really skeeved by alot of other places, besides my house. Not my moms house or not work, but just different places that never bothered me before. Why all of a sudden am i really bothered by certain things. Great, another thing to add to the list of my neurosis. lol
Hugs.xoxo

organiziation is working!!

today has been good, although i got a late start, 1pm, haha. well granted i didnt fall asleep unitl like 4/5 am. But i was awakened by my phone, i really never hear it when im sleeping but i got lucky. It was my shrink returning my call. All these new meds ive been trying in attempt to elevate my mood are not cutting it. All they do is give me nasty side effects. So i called him to tell him i cant take it anymore and i want to try my prozac again. I didnt think it was working but now i think it did more than i thought. It evened me out. Ive been very irritable, short tempered and grouchy lately. And i havent felt like that in forever. So he is reordering it. YEAHHH . Ahh to feel somewhat normal again, i cant wait.
Anyway after i woke, got my good news, and got my coffee, i started organizing the crap in my "area" of the living room. Got alot accomplished as far as organizing. Things are back in place. I feel good. Right now, im actually a little bored, that is rare. But, we are going out to dinner soon with the family to celebrate my sons 13th birthday!! Time flies. So that will occupy some time. I think i just get lonely as i dont really have alot ( barely any) girlfriends that i talk with everyday , that i confide in, laugh with, trust. Thats sad, but i dont know. I have alot of "friends" aquaintances , i get along with everyone. Im kind, helpful, funny, etc but keeping close friends is just difficult for me. Maybe i talk to much. i wish i knew. I could learn and change but i dont. I just keep trying. Anyway im lonely.
what i did decide is that im going to try and exercise. Its been awhile, but i used to do it all the time and i know it works wonders for the mood. I wanna try zumba. I cant just walk on a treadmill , etc. Its too boring for my ADD mind. I think at least zumba will keep me moving and not bored. So maybe ill look into joining the Y. Now thats something positive for the whole family!!!
TTYL HUGS
T.

Lots of organizing to do- ADD issues

I hate it when i let it get like this. OUT OF CONTROL with the paperwork. Since we live in a "luxury apartment home" hehe, there isnt alot of extra room. So i guess i made my "woman cave" on the far side of the sofa by the window. I have my laptop on the coffee table , actually i take up the whole coffee table, and then to my left is a basket with pretty folders, organizers, planners, envelopes, etc- get the drift. Now if thats not enough, i have papers and magazines covering the floor between the sofa and my big basket!! Its so much. Thats one of my big problems, i try so hard to organize i overdo it on buying organizing tools. I like pretty, colorful ones, supposedly useful to my ADD- HMMM? Every now and then i go through all this stuff and actually organize it lol. Right now, its at a low point.
And btw, did i tell you about a month ago when i decided it would be a good idea to sell jewelry! OMG, i havent committed myself to something like that in a long time. Knowing as i was doing it that i had reservations in the back of my head. Should have listened to myself. So i tried and paid the money for the jewelry- like 200 or something and apparently i didnt fill it all out so i ended up with a big box of order sheets, catalogs, phamplets, cards, you name it, but NO jewelry hahah. Anyway i still havent fixed this issue and now i absolutely positively dont want to be committed to anything more than i have to be!! Hopefully i'll get most of my money back. Impulsiveness not controlled SUCKS. And as im thinking of this, ive secretly been very upset that i cant find my planner, calendar, im pretending im not upset, like its here somewhere, but What if its not? SHIT. Maybe if i straightened up this mess id find it.
And now im seeing all the back to school sales, i dont think i need much, but the impulsive shopper that i am cant hold back. UGH. I have so much to do. Make dentist, doctor etc appts, get forms filled out, make the boys READ. This is such a challenge, thank god i only work weekends. Well i guess id better get organizing while my brain appears to be awake.
HUGS
T.