Where did "I"go?

Im wondering why my ADHD sometimes get out of control, when my meds havent changed and i thought i was on the right  path. I seem to get into a funk that lasts a few days, i dont want to touch anything. Then comes the next days where i freak out b/c nothing is in the right place, wash isnt put away, piles of mail are sitting , so i go full force and try to fix it all, irritated all the while but pleased when i finish. So why cant i stay like that all the time, or at least 90%. Life seems to be throwing some curve balls at me but im not one to hide from that, i keep on, just go go go. Lately ive been trying to figure out what it is that im missing, i think i just devote so much of my thinking to my kids or my home or my job that i lost the woman i was. I have lost interest in alot of things i used to do. Finding happiness has become very hard and im searching high and low, but when i have a set back as above, and am inactive lol, for a few days, i lose sight of the goal and the prize. You cant really live when its half a week! I have been sad alot lately, tears now and then, which i hate to admit. Feels weak. I dont know, seems time has betrayed me, its a concept i cant put in more words than that, its a feeling i just know. I really miss Mike, more than anyone can imagine, and bc i dont talk about it much or advertise it, i dont think anyone really knows the depths of my sorrow, my soul was ripped in half and taken away. I;ll never get that back . I cant wallow in it, but its an unimaginable pain that i bear everyday, and looking at my children makes me both happy and sad. i see mike in them more every day. Bittersweet to say the least. Im going to try and find me again, i dont see another choice!

Lets try this again!

Hi everyone, lets try this again, with no rude comments please! As i stated before, if you dont like it, dont read it. And for sure, dont comment when you have no clue what you are talking about. So there, starting fresh.
Well it really snowed, not alot but alot for SE pa. We rarely see snow anymore. Its that global warming , so they say. I miss the old winters, going out to play in the snow, careless days. But it is pretty. I didnt even touch my car yet. I guess i should before i try and drive it. Maybe some nice soul dusted it off for me, doubt it haha. You know its been very hard trying to get my body back on a regular schedule. It still wants to be up at night, and sleep during the day. And the sleep i get during the day is wonderful, just as good as any nighttime sleep. Ive tried everything. I mean i do it, obviuosly but my body always wants a nap and then im up at night. I gotta work harder to change it, i dont mind it all that much but i want to be alive when everyone else is. 
Ive always had issues where im just exhausted, so tired from nothing. Like a weight is holding me down and i CANT possibly do anything , normal stuff. My bloodwork has never been bad, although i havent had any in like 10 yrs lol, but ive always been this way. Then when i get energy i use it like crazy, all at once. i never can figure out why i get so drained from nothing. I do think that the longer i sleep the worse i am, but i always thought my body must need it if i sleep that much. Who knows. But it stinks. its hard to describe the tiredness i get.  My brain is ready to go, my body cant cooperate. Im thinking i should start reg exercising again. I do here and there but nothing regular. Besides being good for me, i hear it does bring up your energy level. A body in motion stays in motion! So i better get moving lol. 
xoxo T.

Sleep, no more?

ill tell ya what, im really getting tired of being up at night. I am trying hard to  turn it around, but its hard, esp since this is going on 10 months or so. Hard habit to break. It seems like it would be easy to do , switch it back, but my body is simply awake at night now. Like daytime. I've always been a night owl, until i had kids years ago, and before that nursing school, had to get up really early. Now i get the kids to school and asleep i go, until they come home. Its strange, like im doing nightshift in nursing, only prob with that is that nightshift i wouldnt get home until like 8 so i wouldnt be able to get them off to school which i enjoy doing.  I think with sleeping at night, id have to try really hard and then id be scared i wouldnt get up in the morning for the kids. I mean i go to work everyweekend 7a-7p so that i can do , I dont know, Its not that i dont feel good, i feel fine but im alseep when the rest of the world is awake, am i trying to hide from the world, is this my little recluse ive created that i enjoy not interacting with the world, have i become that social phobic , i mean i work fine but maybe i really want it this way. Funny what your mind can do, subconciously.

Bored out of my mind!!

Im bored, i mean im sure if i really tried, i have plenty to do, but ive done all i really feel like. Listening to a podcast now, first one was icu rounds, but his voice was so boring, now listening to an adhd one. More lively lol.  But im wide awake and dont know what i want to do. Ive vacuumed, dishwasher run, doing wash, straightened up, kitty litter, trash, went to starbucks lol, slept enough, now what?? Nothing is on TV, Switching up now, changing the podcast, still ADHD but a new one. Off work today, census was low, i was on call. i like to work but not when we dont have any pts. Ill take a nice warm shower soon, I really would be better off getting back on a regular schedule. up during the day, every day. Ill have to work on it, then , id be sleeping now and up when everyone else is.  Either that or switch to night shift lol. 
On another note, my fireplace is getting on my nerves, its gas, switch operated, and it wont stay on! Past day , it goes on for like 5 min and then it goes out. Maybe there is a draft somewhere but this shouldnt be happening, not with the rent i pay! So irritating. I could organize some papers, or go get the 2 days worth of mail out in the box, lol. orrr i could def go online and pay a few bills that are due, and im procrastinating on them. NOT good! Well let me go find something to do. Any ideas let me know
HUGS.
T.

Bloggers block

Well i guess its been a few days since i last blogged. Ive been tired, Im trying to get my sleep somewhat back on track with the kids in school now. Im doing a little better but we will see. Besides neglecting my blogging, ive neglected alot of things. I have a pile of papers that i need to file, send out, get signed, deposit etc. Its gonna take awhile but i gotta get it going. Who knows if there is time sensitive stuff in there!! Had a good weekend at work. It was slow but nice. So far , great with the kids and school. Getting to the bus on time. no big problems with homework,(i know , its early!!) but it feels good. Not much else is new. I worked all weekend, yesterday i ran some errands and today my goal is this paperwork UGHHH. So wish me luck, talk soon!
hugs

Guilted up again

So the boys are gone , i hate this so much. I was so tired, couldnt sleep when i tried last night. Got them to the bus, went to my doctor appt, helped my friend out with the beef and beer last minute things and then came home. It was around 2ish. I laid on the couch cause my eyes were tired and boom, im out. Alseep unitl like 8p when i wake up. Now, im pissed, i gotta get them ready to go to Bil's house. packed, make sure homework goes , medicines are packed. etc etc. And i dont want to move!! Finally got them out by 930p. And i didnt even get to spend time with them. Now they were perfectly content im sure playing video games without my nagging voice in the background. Eating poptarts and granola bars lol. And they were fine. It just sparked up that guilt factor. I was going to take them to bookstore and then out to eat. Guess those plans got squashed. Now i wont see them until sunday night, when its the rush of getting ready for bed and school in the morning. I get no fun time, no down time, during the school year. Its the rush of the school year etc etc. I'll have to make it up to them next week. Hey at least ive been getting them up , breakfast, dressed and to the bus stop ON TIME. Thats a plus, bonus point for me. I guess i cant have it all. Well not all at once anyway!!

Night ramblings and such...

Well this day felt like a waste. I thought id sleep after i dropped the kids off at bus stop so i came home and got on the couch with my blanket and layed there lol. I couldnt sleep! I tried and tossed and turned and i still couldnt sleep. My body was trying to sleep b/c i kept waking myself up by talking out loud!! I do that all the time, talk in my sleep. BUt i was waking up saying parts of sentences and moving my hands and then realizing i wasnt talking to anyone and faded out again. So i guess i was in some kind of sleep mode. HAHHA . So i was up and down and then fell asleep for a little late afternoon. Now im up again!
So i got some stuff done, still have alot to do. Unload dishwasher, wash, bills, etc. I have to stay up tomorrow am for a doctors appt at 10. Plus since i work sat am i want to be able to nap tomorrow later or go to bed early. YEAH RIGHT!! Sounded good
Keep getting these news alerts on some act of "terrorism" thats planned to happen on 9/11. There was a press conference but i missed it. I hate this shit. Not like i think my suburb in Pa is in trouble but you just NEVER know what could happen . I'll be working on sunday 9/11. I wont be with the boys until that night. Probably better that way. Keep my mind busy. Its not like i really worry much but i feel like id be stupid not to think about it.
Ok i took a small break, did some work. Eww i saw a cricket. It is so freakin humid and gross out. I hate hate hate this time of year. Bring me oct/nov/dec. Those are my fav's. orange leaves, smell of crispness in the air, mums, pumpkins, and the end of all the nasty little creatures. I live in a pretty wooded area and see Deer allll  the time. They are pretty. I love bunnies and deer etc but not little bugs and icky spiders and stuff. And my dumb cats dont even do anything, they make me get the bugs. So i got the vacuum out and sucked the cricket up!! Thats the only way i can deal with bugs lol. Im an ICU nurse and can deal with allll kinds of stuff -= but not crickets haha.
Oh well, ttyl.
HUGS

Random post!!!

I feel like i should be typing something, but i have no idea what to type. Nothing is coming to mind, nothing is popping up, standing out lol. And you know nothing is on tv because im watching Teen Mom on mtv!! Im kinda bored. Only worked one day this weekend. was on call the other. So, kinda bored over here. I could/should be reading and writing for my sons school start (just diagnosed with ADD at the end of last school year) and this year im writing some rules out, since he goes to private school and they dont have to have an IEP. They will accommodate your child tho, the best they can. So ive been researching all summer and i have a list together.
Ok, about an hour has gone by ... im back. I still dont have much to say lol.  Im really getting nervous about school and re-adjusting my routine. Ive gotten to this habit for the past 9 months. Its hard.  I mean i dont have to get it right straight off, as long as i get them to school and then im awake and ready to go when they get home then its all good. I'll be fine, i'll adjust as needed. I think maybe ill have a sleep out night with the boys tomorrow night- last night they can stay up late!! Movies and popcorn in the living room and they can use their sleeping bags, and hopefully leave my couch to me!! Probably will wake to a foot in my face lol. The boys will like that, and it will be our little sendoff party for the end of summer.
Im not really tired at all! Well i had gotten alot of sleep after NOT getting alot of sleep! I wonder if i slept right, id be happier, ya know , getting into a routine and pattern and making my body healthy and happy . I dont know, its hard to find out exactly how much sleep i need. But ill tell you one thing, I can sleep! Problem is ill wake up, say 6-7 hrs later and a normal person would just get up, not me, i make myself go back to sleep and then ill sleep like another 6-7 hours. Once im asleep, im out. I certainly dont need 12-14hrs of sleep per night. There is no rhyme or reason, my routine doesnt change much day to day. I should have a stable bedtime.  AHH well ill figure it out lol
Night for now!!

I hate those nights!!!!

I hate those nights, you know the ones where you are ready to sleep, lying down, watching tv, waiting to drift off, only to wake up an hour later tossing and turning, with these legs that wont keep still. That uneasy restless feeling in your calves- Its called RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME and it SUCKS. I experience it every now and then and i take whatever i can to fall asleep, nothing works, i could take 5 valium, muscle relaxers, benedryl- all together lol,well i didnt take that combo last night but something similar - and it wont work. Sure ill drift off for about an hour if that, then im up, miserable.
Now im one for staying up all night, not a problem, but see now ive drugged myself to try and sleep past these legs and im just not feeling like opening my eyes and doing anything. Im tired but my legs arent. So finally im up 615 am and i think i slept two hours, in intervals lol. I'll be ok today but its just not fair.
Hopefully ill be cheerful today and not miserable b/c i didnt sleep. I figure ill go to starbucks early and start my day on a good frappucchino note lol.
Talk to ya later.