Onward and Upward

Guess ill post since im on a roll lately. I got some money, and finally went food shopping. Feels good to have food and napkins lol. And something to drink besides water and milk. I brought my calculator and chris was in charge of keeping track of our spending. We did good i thought. I wanted to buy a million other things but i didnt . i held back and put them on a list. I didnt get my usual "high" from shopping tho. I felt good but not as good, bc i didnt get to buy anything for myself ,well i bought 2 pens, that was nice. lol  The $ situation will get better, it just a while to come back after you 've totally screwed up your budgeting.  
So i think im gonna begin studying for the CCRN. an advanced test for critical care nurses. Its a hard test ive heard, i have been wanting to do this for a long time. I have a study guide.and ive worked in critical care for 15yrs so i should be ok. Ive gotta do something , i feel very stagnet right now. I dont feel like i have much of a purpose right now. I mean, besides raising my children, which is very important, ive got nothing going on. And i think in order to be a good parent and be happy i have to keep myself fulfilled.  its not easy and turning 40 was a bummer and again made me look at my life. I keep thinking this cant be all there is. What is it all for.I lost my husband, my best friend, almost coming up on 2 yrs ago. Time flies, but what have i accomplished in that time- not much at all. ive just managed to survive. I thought by now, id be somewhere else. I need to push myself if i want results tho. I can be so much more than i am right now. I have to be. I cant continue to live like this. So onward and upward. xoxo

ADHD- the terror of it all

well  i have my meeting tomorrow with school for 13 yr old. Its about his 22 page ADHD report from the DCIU. (testing by school system) and then to meet with his teacher to discuss other things! GREAT. Im trying so hard and its not working. I guess i need to find more resources for him. Its just frustrating, esp when half your family doesnt believe in ADD even with a 22 page report lol. I mean if you read up on it, and really try to understand it, its brain chemistry, its not laziness etc. I have it, and i know what its all about, people dont realize what an obstacle it is. He is really smart kid and i am , always was but organization and focus and following through are hard things for us. losing things, forgetting things, losing interest if you dont really like it, i mean sure everyone does those things now and then but when its every day all day and its affecting your life, then its ADD, so to any non believers, keep it to yourself lol. I really wish his dad was here to help me and him. He and I shared everything about child rearing 100%, and now im alone with it. Its hard and scary. I know i can do it, its just a long road ahead, and its lonely. 
HUGS 
T.

Sleep, no more?

ill tell ya what, im really getting tired of being up at night. I am trying hard to  turn it around, but its hard, esp since this is going on 10 months or so. Hard habit to break. It seems like it would be easy to do , switch it back, but my body is simply awake at night now. Like daytime. I've always been a night owl, until i had kids years ago, and before that nursing school, had to get up really early. Now i get the kids to school and asleep i go, until they come home. Its strange, like im doing nightshift in nursing, only prob with that is that nightshift i wouldnt get home until like 8 so i wouldnt be able to get them off to school which i enjoy doing.  I think with sleeping at night, id have to try really hard and then id be scared i wouldnt get up in the morning for the kids. I mean i go to work everyweekend 7a-7p so that i can do , I dont know, Its not that i dont feel good, i feel fine but im alseep when the rest of the world is awake, am i trying to hide from the world, is this my little recluse ive created that i enjoy not interacting with the world, have i become that social phobic , i mean i work fine but maybe i really want it this way. Funny what your mind can do, subconciously.

How do we make them Want to learn???

I;ll tell you, kids these days , ughhh, When i was in school, elementary and middle school i had homework and there was no question that i had to do it. I didnt get to not study. I didnt get to come home and play on the computer for hours. I wasnt allowed to do much, and we didnt have after school activities like the kids today. I had dance. thats all. Now days, these kids do so many activities, they never have a dull moment. Thats the problem. Nothing wrong with reading or taking a walk or watching some tv or studying(god forbid). Extra work is a thing unheard of. They have no motivation , no urge to succeed, no goals. Its just ' get it done, least work possible. Then we have to be tyrants, parents who time their computer time, and badger them all the time. I dont know why kids dont have in it them. Is it because of how we as a society have evolved- how america is Lazy! It sucks, i want my kids to want to learn, make the world proud, etc, but its become a chore. I dont even know how i feel about homework. Its so much sometimes that their day is just one big "school" and it deters them. To some degree at least. After school time should be free time, they really dont have that much of it after all. But trying to cram it all in can be tiresome. I dont know what a motivation could be, i dont like the bribery thing, they shouldnt get a reward for doing good in school. its expected. So how do we entice them? How do we make them Want to be smart. This is a hard one, and one i;ll keep trying to figure out!!

Guilted up again

So the boys are gone , i hate this so much. I was so tired, couldnt sleep when i tried last night. Got them to the bus, went to my doctor appt, helped my friend out with the beef and beer last minute things and then came home. It was around 2ish. I laid on the couch cause my eyes were tired and boom, im out. Alseep unitl like 8p when i wake up. Now, im pissed, i gotta get them ready to go to Bil's house. packed, make sure homework goes , medicines are packed. etc etc. And i dont want to move!! Finally got them out by 930p. And i didnt even get to spend time with them. Now they were perfectly content im sure playing video games without my nagging voice in the background. Eating poptarts and granola bars lol. And they were fine. It just sparked up that guilt factor. I was going to take them to bookstore and then out to eat. Guess those plans got squashed. Now i wont see them until sunday night, when its the rush of getting ready for bed and school in the morning. I get no fun time, no down time, during the school year. Its the rush of the school year etc etc. I'll have to make it up to them next week. Hey at least ive been getting them up , breakfast, dressed and to the bus stop ON TIME. Thats a plus, bonus point for me. I guess i cant have it all. Well not all at once anyway!!

Just another Day!

AHHH im drinking a nice big caramel frappachinno with 2 extra shots, from Starbucks. Picked it up on the way home from food shopping and from doing some last minute school shopping, which by the way i didnt finish lol- i have one more day shhh. I couldnt finish, the boys were driving me crazy, laughing and being loud and running around Target lol. I was trying to concentrate on my list and id had enough- so i decided we were finished and id get anything else tomorrow. We left and i couldnt help but stopping at Starbucks. It is on my way home from everywhere hahah. All the employees know me and my "regular" drink , i love it there. It feels like home.  So now i put away most of the stuff, had to take a break and watch some Basketball Wives LA and enjoy my drink. I've got all my shows lined up tonight. I know, nice life lol, Hey its what i enjoy.
So, im multitasking, which isnt all that good for you ive read but hey its what i do. Im making pasta, cleaning up, picking up, organizing, watching tv, typing and drinking! Now Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere is on, one of my favorites!! Any real housewives is on that note.  So this is a busy week. Kids and school. I've got to reschedule some appointments that i skipped out on last month, etc etc. Gotta keep it going.
Boy this blog writing is turning into an all night thing lol. I started it at 8 and now its almost 11p. I've been coming and going. House looks pretty good now, ive been cleaning etc the whole time. Boy im beat...  Oh well i guess i dont have that much more to say right now, i may return.

Random post!!!

I feel like i should be typing something, but i have no idea what to type. Nothing is coming to mind, nothing is popping up, standing out lol. And you know nothing is on tv because im watching Teen Mom on mtv!! Im kinda bored. Only worked one day this weekend. was on call the other. So, kinda bored over here. I could/should be reading and writing for my sons school start (just diagnosed with ADD at the end of last school year) and this year im writing some rules out, since he goes to private school and they dont have to have an IEP. They will accommodate your child tho, the best they can. So ive been researching all summer and i have a list together.
Ok, about an hour has gone by ... im back. I still dont have much to say lol.  Im really getting nervous about school and re-adjusting my routine. Ive gotten to this habit for the past 9 months. Its hard.  I mean i dont have to get it right straight off, as long as i get them to school and then im awake and ready to go when they get home then its all good. I'll be fine, i'll adjust as needed. I think maybe ill have a sleep out night with the boys tomorrow night- last night they can stay up late!! Movies and popcorn in the living room and they can use their sleeping bags, and hopefully leave my couch to me!! Probably will wake to a foot in my face lol. The boys will like that, and it will be our little sendoff party for the end of summer.
Im not really tired at all! Well i had gotten alot of sleep after NOT getting alot of sleep! I wonder if i slept right, id be happier, ya know , getting into a routine and pattern and making my body healthy and happy . I dont know, its hard to find out exactly how much sleep i need. But ill tell you one thing, I can sleep! Problem is ill wake up, say 6-7 hrs later and a normal person would just get up, not me, i make myself go back to sleep and then ill sleep like another 6-7 hours. Once im asleep, im out. I certainly dont need 12-14hrs of sleep per night. There is no rhyme or reason, my routine doesnt change much day to day. I should have a stable bedtime.  AHH well ill figure it out lol
Night for now!!

Need to step it up

I dont have too much to say today. Work this weekend was pretty good, Got through the "hurricane Irene" , got to work and back no problem. Just lost power for a bit. Had to get ready for work Sunday morning in the dark, - that was very interesting to say the least. Many bad words came from my mouth, hey i was irritable lol.
Kids start school next week, yeah ! well in a way. Now ive got to get myself back on track. I cant sleep all day, i have to be up in the morning to get them going, i have to be there for homework , dinner, etc, bedtime. Routine, Thats what we have been missing all summer. Routine and schedule, now  it may be ok for the rest of the world but to my "ADD family" its screwing us all up. Big time. I hope it doesnt take too long for us to readjust. But it will be comforting when we do. I just have so much to do and im getting a little frazzled by the thought of it. Of course, what i have to do is way more heavier on my mind than reality - im sure. I get like this when i feel things are out of control, im not in control. I used to be much better at it, Staying in control that is, but i think ive let it get the best of me and have really given up the fight.
I have to find it in me, and its right there, to get control back. Be what i want to be. im stronger than that. Just seems in the past 5 yrs ive been beaten down by circumstances so many times, i started to lose faith in myself. Its so easy to let it happen,
On that note, im gonna scoot.
ttyl
HUGS

Guilty of what??

What to say, hmm- well alots on my mind but nothing in particular - its like that!  My mind has been spinning like the hamster cage, but i cant say im upset or depressed or anything. I kinda feel numb! And thats no good either. That may be worse, i would like to be happy about something. I think its b/c my sleep has been really screwed up, and I know sleep is important in every aspect of life. Mental/emotional mindfullness included. Im getting tired of sleeping all day. I think somehow that i should be able to stay up late -well stay up, and keep going and going and then sleep. Its getting me unorganized- which is my goal. Im not writing stuff down like i do and im forgetting appts or im double booking, ugh.
Right in time for school, right! This is the time that im supposed to be supermom. Get everyone ready for school. 5th and 7th grade- its alot they need. We have a homework basket, and this year i bought new baskets and i need to put it all together, see what we need etc. Well i emptied the old one and the contents have been sitting on the floor here with the other 2 baskets Waiting, since this morning. Ive done nothing with it all day!  Its actually been driving me crazy, so i have to tackle it. 
One of the major feelings i have, i have realized lately is Guilt. I always feel guilty that im not doing enough for the kids. Guilt that im not June Cleaver , guilt that im not like every other mom out there. I think my expectations of myself are very high. And ill never meet them. I want to have high energy, get up early with the kids, be happy lol, but im a night owl, and ive never been high energy like i want to be. Im tired alot, things feel like chores, half of it is mind games im sure. I could get up but i dont. I get really mad at myself. And then i feel guilty. I read an article on guilt once. I bookmarked it im sure but the ADD girl that i am, can i find it out of the 200bookmarks i have here on my laptop? Doubt it. It was about letting go of the guilt and reading it made me feel good. Like i wasnt alone.
Well let me go look for it, and get moving on this work i have to do.
HUGS

I didnt really like this day!!

Usually Fridays are tolerable but today kinda sucked. First off, i slept alot- i wasnt even that tired , just seemed easy. The boys were involved in their video games etc and woke up late themselves. I missed an appointment and didnt call the doctor like i needed to. I basically swept all my responsibility under the rug as i often do.  I've got to stop that, im the only responsible , well the only parent they have. I cant mess up and fix it later. Later is too late. I feel like i barely saw them this week, well with me going away and then i had to bring them to BIL's house tonight cause i work this weekend, the usual.  I'll have to make next week a priority for them, and for me.
Got a message on the home phone from the principal of the boys school. It was that "end of summer" pre recorded message. Geez, summer flew by. I wanted it to be special, well do some fun things , we did but not nearly as much as i had planned on. We all have alot to do to get ready for school. Mostly me, the boys need to finish readings and do some math. I , on the other hand, need to go through our "homework box" . This big box of school supplies, i made it in my trials of ADD research. I bought 2 new baskets for the stuff and need to go through it and transfer, clean , throw out, etc. I have to really get my butt moving when it comes to Nicholas and his "IEP" . Its a private school so its not an iep but its similar, since his diagnosis of ADD at the end of the school year. Teachers and I are working together to help plan this year for him. This is something that is very important and i cant slack. Then i need to really keep an eye on the younger one, well i need to get him evaluated for things, but ive been slacking. I promise ill make all my calls on MONDAY.
So anyhow, i didnt do much of anything today, and of course now im awake, and trying to be as productive as one can possibly be at 1am. OHH gotta pay my car bill, thanks for reminding me!!  And then the glorious next 2 days of Hell, i mean work, sorry, slip up!! I hope its not a bad weekend, not too stressful please, i like the exciting sick people ICU stuff, but the emotional drama and family shit just stresses me out and its not a good stress. Its the kind where you just wanna shout " GET OUT" . Yeah i wish. We definately need visiting hours again. Got rid of them years ago, makes the family feel better and i told you about how important the family, not the patient, is. So they can come and go as they please all freaking day long. No privacy for any other patients nor for us the nurses. One day i know it will change back, dont know if ill be doing bedside care then but it will still be an achievement in my eyes.
OK, gonna keep on moving.
HUGS