No time for pain.

I just went shopping , finally got some money and went food shopping and for other bathroom, kitchin stuff. Ah i loved it. THere were a few things i was going to get, had my hands on them ` going in the cart when .. i thought for a minute, Im getting paid tomorrow and i still need to pay some overdue bills so id better wait, pay the bills and then use extra to buy stuff for ME . A few things like , well who knows, i may even change my mind by tomorrow so its better i waited. A cure for my impulsiveness, thinking of no electricity haha
So the boys helped me bring in the 100 bags, they always give you so many bags at Target. I put the cold stuff away, now have everything else still. My back is killing me, only had my injections 12 days ago and im in pain, im gonna try and call her tomorrow, she told me to if it acted up. Sometimes all the pain medecine in the world wont help this back pain. Its such a different pain . And i still have to put alot away, finish wash, vaccum, kitty litter, dishwasher and dishes and then work 2 12's this weekend in ICU. Im screwed, if you cant tell. When my back hurts like this, im miserable. i wanna cry , well i do sometimes. like right now, im thinking and im hurting and im tearing up. Im on the couch watching the end of Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion and drinking my Starbucks Frappachino plugging in my heating pad. The rest will wait, its not going anywhere tonight and neither am i. Its a shame i dont have any help , isnt it???? Well hey, im not letting this ruin my
shopping high. lol

Lets try this again!

Hi everyone, lets try this again, with no rude comments please! As i stated before, if you dont like it, dont read it. And for sure, dont comment when you have no clue what you are talking about. So there, starting fresh.
Well it really snowed, not alot but alot for SE pa. We rarely see snow anymore. Its that global warming , so they say. I miss the old winters, going out to play in the snow, careless days. But it is pretty. I didnt even touch my car yet. I guess i should before i try and drive it. Maybe some nice soul dusted it off for me, doubt it haha. You know its been very hard trying to get my body back on a regular schedule. It still wants to be up at night, and sleep during the day. And the sleep i get during the day is wonderful, just as good as any nighttime sleep. Ive tried everything. I mean i do it, obviuosly but my body always wants a nap and then im up at night. I gotta work harder to change it, i dont mind it all that much but i want to be alive when everyone else is. 
Ive always had issues where im just exhausted, so tired from nothing. Like a weight is holding me down and i CANT possibly do anything , normal stuff. My bloodwork has never been bad, although i havent had any in like 10 yrs lol, but ive always been this way. Then when i get energy i use it like crazy, all at once. i never can figure out why i get so drained from nothing. I do think that the longer i sleep the worse i am, but i always thought my body must need it if i sleep that much. Who knows. But it stinks. its hard to describe the tiredness i get.  My brain is ready to go, my body cant cooperate. Im thinking i should start reg exercising again. I do here and there but nothing regular. Besides being good for me, i hear it does bring up your energy level. A body in motion stays in motion! So i better get moving lol. 
xoxo T.

Can we do it?

I often wonder who is visiting my blog. Its just strange how many different people get here and read my stuff. I love it but i wish there were more comments or followers, everyone likes to feel wanted lol.  So im still dealing with my new diagnosis of arthritis. It just sucks being so young and having a disabling illness. It is controllable but it doesnt get better. Well i guess i should add it to the list. I really need to follow up on so many things with my health. Being the only parent now, i should be making it a priority. I was always scared to find out things that were wrong with me, id rather just deal and not know but now i have to take more responsibility for my health and do the right thing. So i have to go to the dentist, get my eyes checked ( i need glasses), get bloodwork done, start exercising more, eat right, blah blah blah. Its hard to stay in good health lol
I wish i had more good things to say , i really do. I try. ive found a great website, and its all about being more positive . well its really a blog called "The missing piece" http://guideusto.blogspot.com/. Its wonderful, and i wish i could print it all out and make a scrapbook or something out of it. I'd have the boys read it too, we all need a little optimism and learning how to be happy. I know my pessimism ( that ive had all my life) must rub off on them, shit it rubbed off from my parents to me. Im not always like that but the kids pick up on all kinds of stuff. Smart children i have lol.  i encourage everyone to check out that blog i mentioned. It may just give you a little hint of joy. Maybe i will make a scrapbook with it, since i do better with colors and patterns and flashy glittery things lol. And then i can read a piece of it all the time. Well the kids and i can together. Ill let you know how it turns out. Ill even take a picture of the finished project. With my ADHD i wouldnt count on seeing it finished too soon lol, maybe ill post a little at a time haha.
HUGS 
T. 

Well, here we are again. Im trying out some different colors and stuff here. Having ADHD ive learned that i do best if i make things colorful, color coded, in lists, you know interesting to look at and remember. So lets see how this turns out, for the fun of it.
It was one of those days, back was killing me, beyond belief. So, i figured instead of going to the ER= I didnt feel that bad! I stopped in the Urgent care center- orthopedic. Its about two miles down the road from my house and id gone once before. They were pretty nice, so i gave it a shot. Had a really nice talk with the doctor, she ended up doing alot of xrays. AND, of course, i always thought that maybe i was imagining the pain, making it worse than it was, probably nothing wrong with me. BUT, apparently i have BAD thoracic back arthritis. YES, i said it ARTHRITIS. And im not even 40. wtf. I have a strong family hx of it and that is a huge factor. Im a woman, and ages 40-65 are prime. Esp those who have either had a back injury or do strenuous work with their back.- HELLO NURSING.  I was so bummed, she showed them to me. I knew what i felt wasnt nothing. It hurts, all the time, and now its a proven fact. Arthritis is painful, esp in your spine.  So i am supposed to do some core body strengthening exercises, PT, and pain management. Im so tired of being in pain. I hope this can get better. 
That was the excitement of my day. Yeah great news. Now i really want to go back to school, how can i continue to do this to my body for 20+ years.  I didnt get everything accomplished that i wished for but my back was pretty high on my list. I also went to a school event for the younger one. It was nice and he was happy i was there. So i still have many many phone calls and appts to make. Its so overwhelming . I managed to clean up the house. That feels nice. Cooked a nice dinner for the boys, etc. It wasnt a bad day.
On that note, really funny quick here, i just put this coconut milk, with jojaba oil on my bfs hair, and it needs to set, so i snuck into the bedroom and grabbed my flower shower cap and i snuck it on him and he had a fit- laughing that is!! I actually laughed= thats good for me.YEAH!!!  

Not much to say

wow, i havent written in a long time. I guess i havent had much good to say. Actually every time i started to write, something would happen and i would lose it or just close my laptop all pissy, for one reason or another. Nothing great or exciting has happened, you havent missed much. Im on one of my work weekend insomnia episodes. Im used to it. Ill be tired tomorrow, put my head down at lunch, get more energy before i leave work till late tomorrow nite, then pass out, have to wake up to get kids off to school monday at 7a and then back to sleep till whenever. Not the best start to my week huh. I know, i know, i gotta get a handle on it. I will. I've been watching Greys anatomy, from the very beginning episode in 2005 . Im wondering why i never watched this before because I LOVE IT. Watching it on hulu - I've cried about 5x already. Good and bad / happy and sad cries.
Watching Derek and Meredith be in love made me crave that beginning of the relationship phase. With the butterflies in your stomach and your head in the clouds. Ahh the good old days. I swear that is one of the best feelings in the world. But , i digress.
My hands are just tired right now. so are my eyes. not my brain tho. or my mouth lol. I hate when my eyes are. Cant do much about it. YOu know i havent even really decorated for halloween much. I always do. I will. ok im going. ttys.
Hugs
T.

Deep in a hole.

Im sure my writing will pick up, i just havent been in the mood and in fact ive kinda been depressed. Ok i said it! More like BLAH than deep depression. Just bored, tired, lazy, uninterested, unenthusiastic . Sometimes i think that i actually have set my expectations of what "happy" feels like too high. Maybe this is what it should feel like, so why do i expect so much more. When i was little , even then, i was never an enthusiastic child. I would say thank you and everyone would be like- you could be a little more happy looking or something stupid like that. When you get to know me, my little thank you could mean I LOVE IT. I just dont show it well enough. So, ive grown up that way. Who the hell knows what happy is anyway.
Im trying to get out of this rut, soon i will. I just dont feel very in control of things right now, and being a perfectionist- in my mind- nothing is right. Things have gotten out of my control and its KILLING me. Cant blame anyone but myself but im allowed to complain lol. I've just got to concentrate on getting control back. I know i can, but this rut is in a way bc of that also. One big hole im in,
HUGS