Its raining, its pouring,..

I feel like shit. sorry but i do, im so tired , mentally and still not over this stupid cold/bronchitis whatever it is.  Mentally exhausted b/c no longer can i live paycheck to paycheck. For some reason i cant even accomplish that. Every month im coming up negative - i get paid twice a month so its happening twice a month. Service fees, overdraft fees, and no money to spend. I dont know what is going on. This has never been my life. Never ever. Im so ashamed, Its like im going days without being able to spend money and it sucks. We all need money for dumb stuff like gas, lunches, etc anything. 
I swear i feel like throwing in the towel. But once again, it comes down to the fact that im a single mom, taking care of a family, on my salary, 2 boys, a boyfriend, 4 cats lol.  Im not changing my lifestyle for other peoples issues. Ill be damned. If i cant buy my boys clothes at Target for gods sake, something is really wrong in the world. OHH and did i tell you its been pouring out, lol. My first car the o6 which i owe only 4000 on till i own it, now cant get inspected bc it needs 1000 worth of work! I cant even afford to get it out of the shop to bring it home. Like i said, it hasnt stopped raining here , the cloud is just lingering over my house when its sunny everywhere else, maybe i should start writing poetry again! Usually good stuff comes from times of dispair lol. TTYL 
HUGS 
xoxox

Just a few opinions of mine, take em or leave em but read them!

You know besides the fact that im a nurse and know what doctors are all about, I can deal with that on a professional level. But as a patient, knowing what i do, doctors are ASSHOLES. They definitely treat you like a piece of shit, like you know nothing and you should just follow their orders and what they say is the gods truth! So i encourage everyone out there to definately research whatever problem you have and know the appropriate questions to ask before you go to the doctor. Educate yourself, for your own safety. Most doctors treat you like a number, not all, but they dont really care about you after you leave. Dont accept their answer as the only answer. Please!  
Anyway thats enough of that rant. I watched the presidential debate the other night, and i didnt know much of Mitt Romney except he was Republican , and im a Democrat. But without knowing him, his speech did make me think of him in a positive light, how he was rooting for the "middle class" etc etc. But then i found that he is pretty much an elitest. I was also really complexed how he won as govenor of Mass., a democratic state. I researched it, and it was all the promises he made and he even voted in democrats in his office! I guess hes smart. But then i looked at charts and Obama has considerably reduced unemployment rates. He has only had 4 yrs to clean up that Bush created in 8yrs. So now i feel like i know more of the truth. No offense if you are republican, its just my opinion.  I feel a little guilty b.c i didnt vote for the last election. but you can bet i will this time. I swear i used to be considered low high class according to my salary and now im high poverty to low middle class lol. Its really scary what can happen. 
Well enough for now, Ill be writing or try to write more often. I go through stages where i just cant write and i dont go on my laptop, majority of the time i do but im sorry if i dont. I encourage you all to follow me, it makes me feel good, like im not writing to myself, or even comment, i know you all must have some opinion on my writing! good or bad, but please dont be rude lol.
Hugs to all 
xoxoxox

Supermom and the guilt.

You know i totally buy into this supermom/superwoman model that the world today has set up for us. I also am realizing the guilt that comes along with it. I remember my mother in law said to me, not so long ago, "Oh i remember you used to dress Nicholas so nice, he always looked so cute "etc. Now Nicholas is 13yrs old, and when i had him i was 27yrs old, just married and he was our first baby. OF COURSE he looked cute. See the way it was said was that he USED to look like that, and I USED to be on top of everything and in control. Now im apparently not. I guess she doesnt notice the Abercrombie and Fitch clothes that both my boys wear or their Gap jeans, calvin klien underwear. Im in control now and they looked damned cute.  I bust my ass so they do. It just felt like a dig and i dont think im being over sensitive. 
It seems today that our world has created this supermom model that we are supposed to ( and even as a single mother) have it all under control, or at least look the part. I think i need to practice on looking the part. I work, part time, every weekend, we have 2 cars, they go to a private school.,  we have food, breakfast lunch and dinner, and many more things. At times im so proud of myself for doing it alone. But then i see where i may falter in one area, so my desk area is a total mess, or i cant find my keys for 20min at a time, those boys get on the bus on time every morning. I look and read magazine articles, "how do you do it?" for todays moms, how do they? i mean , it gets done but im a mess inside. Im always feeling guilty that i didnt spend enough time with them , quality time, or that im setting a bad example when i say the F word (only now and then) or when i let them stay up late. Am i a bad mom? I feel like i am, alot. And its because of this "supermom" model that is out there, im 40 and somewhat successful, what is it going to make our teenagers strive for, and when they cant fulfill it, do they write a blog? or shove a pillow over their babies screaming mouth, you get the gist?
So, im gonna try and let go of the guilt, bc what good is it? The ones that should feel guilty for being bad moms, dont even know they are! My kids are great, i love them, and take care of them, and they know it. when i kiss their little noses at night, they know it..

I guess its time to face it all !

Well, this year is almost over. THANK GOD. I dont think it was one of the best. I remember last year i was so ready for the new year. I kept believing that all the misery and sadness of mike dying would disappear and the boys and I would lead a normal, fun, new year where we were all productive and our problems would lessen. WRONG!!! . I kept saying, i cant wait for the new year, fresh start. NOPE. Just a day in the life. Now a year later, i dont know how i feel.
I am anticipating a great New year again. 2012. Its time we get it together. We've spent long enough in this mode. I've got to get it together and start being what i need to be. Doing what i need to do- when i need to do it. Im strong, i can do it. Whenever ive been down id always say, im a strong independent woman and i can do anything. Well its true. Ive just got in this hole and ive stayed there too long. Ive been trying to climb out but... now i guess i have no excuses lol. There are so many things i want to do, fix, work on, etc. If i dont do it , i never will, and i will continue to feel the guilt that i do. And its not worth it! 
Guilt is one of those horrible feelings that really dont do much for anyone. Its just bad no matter what. I need to release it all and realize i am doing my best, b/c i am. I am only one person, b/c i am. I can change alot of things but there are things i cant change, no matter how hard i wish i could. Wish me luck!
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012  

I gotta move mountains

So not much has gone on , day was a blur, slept late , then went out with kids, came home, cleaned , tv, kids, etc. Not really anything productive. I feel a little tired right now, but only my eyes. Not my body or mind. I put some xmas stuff away. I barely decorated this year, it was bad. So i dont have much to put away but i think im done with the holiday this year. maybe it will be better next year.
Im back, sorry i took a lil break and did a few things. Need to finish my makeup but not this minute.YOu know what i hate, the fact that im up at night and i could be doing a million things, as far as cleaning goes, but we live on a one floor. so its like i have fear of waking everyone up if i make noise in the kitchin or the bathroom etc. I wish we had a bigger place, then i wouldnt mind but lol, then id have more to clean,! so i guess you cant win. Ill just shut the doors to everyone and go. I mean no one every wakes up but i feel like im on tip toe just to clean , of all things. Ive come to realize that im ocd about cleaning. and so many things now skeeve me that never did before.  Like just stuff , that needs to be cleaned, nothing really gross, just normal things, now make me feel really yucky and i have to clean them wheras before it wasnt a huge deal. Great, im progressively getting worse, not better! And with my ADD i feel like i have to have everything in order, tho it just becomes piles and papers and folders and binders etc, get the drift?
Well i have alot to do, i had my bf's son with us this week, and hes 8. so i had 4 males and me in this place and you know, sometimes men arent as particular as I am. At least the ones here arent. So i have my hands full. Wish me luck.
Hugs T.

Feeling abandoned and grouchy!!

Im getting really tired of feeling this way. I guess its resorting back to the time in my life where i often felt abandoned. Or maybe its bc im in a foul mood. Im very irritable and everyone and everything is getting on my nerves. I dont know if its just me or what. I cant tolerate much these days. Too much noise, never alone to just sit or do anything. In charge of everything, responsible for everything and im just tired of it. Im thinking i need to pick up extra time at work for money- xmas, yet someone else is just sitting here on there azz playing video games. wtf.  
So anyway abandoned yes, like if i make friends, or start a friendship or even an old one. If that person is there like alot, every day etc to talk to  - it feels good. i feel appreciated, needed, wanted, special. RIGHT. So when that person disappears for a couple days, weeks etc i take it personally. I know that they dont owe me anything, i may not even know them well, but to me its like they left me b/c they didnt like me enough. I said or i did something wrong. I wasnt important enough. To feel like a real friend i want to be there everyday in some way. I've always wanted a best friend. Havent had one in a long time. Maybe bc im too needy or i expect too much. But then i wonder, why arent there other people out there that feel like me, and if there are, why havent i come across them yet? 
Ive got so much to do. SOOO much, i often feel overwhelmed, it feels like too much for me. But i dont ask for much help. I dont want to ask for it, it should be there for me. But i guess  since i always do it all, ill always be expected to keep doing it all. and i dont feel appreciated by anyone. 
Im very sad. and IRRITABLE. \
Hope this passes soon.
Hugs T.

Well, here we are again. Im trying out some different colors and stuff here. Having ADHD ive learned that i do best if i make things colorful, color coded, in lists, you know interesting to look at and remember. So lets see how this turns out, for the fun of it.
It was one of those days, back was killing me, beyond belief. So, i figured instead of going to the ER= I didnt feel that bad! I stopped in the Urgent care center- orthopedic. Its about two miles down the road from my house and id gone once before. They were pretty nice, so i gave it a shot. Had a really nice talk with the doctor, she ended up doing alot of xrays. AND, of course, i always thought that maybe i was imagining the pain, making it worse than it was, probably nothing wrong with me. BUT, apparently i have BAD thoracic back arthritis. YES, i said it ARTHRITIS. And im not even 40. wtf. I have a strong family hx of it and that is a huge factor. Im a woman, and ages 40-65 are prime. Esp those who have either had a back injury or do strenuous work with their back.- HELLO NURSING.  I was so bummed, she showed them to me. I knew what i felt wasnt nothing. It hurts, all the time, and now its a proven fact. Arthritis is painful, esp in your spine.  So i am supposed to do some core body strengthening exercises, PT, and pain management. Im so tired of being in pain. I hope this can get better. 
That was the excitement of my day. Yeah great news. Now i really want to go back to school, how can i continue to do this to my body for 20+ years.  I didnt get everything accomplished that i wished for but my back was pretty high on my list. I also went to a school event for the younger one. It was nice and he was happy i was there. So i still have many many phone calls and appts to make. Its so overwhelming . I managed to clean up the house. That feels nice. Cooked a nice dinner for the boys, etc. It wasnt a bad day.
On that note, really funny quick here, i just put this coconut milk, with jojaba oil on my bfs hair, and it needs to set, so i snuck into the bedroom and grabbed my flower shower cap and i snuck it on him and he had a fit- laughing that is!! I actually laughed= thats good for me.YEAH!!!