What language is that ??

ive just determined, i know, its taken me this long! but i just figured out that me and my teenager son speak completely different languages. Apparently ive lost all my coolness, now that im a mom. Although in my mind im still 25 not 40! I thought i was still cool. I am. I know i am. He just doesnt realize it yet lol.
Anyway im so proud of myself, my funds are very very low right now, yet ive found multiple ways to get some cash, (dont worry its nothing illegal!). Im not telling my secrets but ill tell you , when you are in a bind and you have no where to turn, you quickly find resources you never knew you had. I guess it goes with the streetsmart mentality i have. I mean ive lived a bit since i was a teenager. I really should be dead (god forbid)(knock on wood) for all the situations ive put myself into , but i dont consider it just luck, im sure its an angel on my shoulder as well as the fact that i have a great gut instinct.  I follow it too. Im always two steps ahead of the game, and my mind is quick. I read people very good and i dont trust you until i have to. 
Anyway, enough bragging for now lol. gotta go clean .and prepare for a long weekend at work with barely no staff . not looking forward. 
HUGS xoxo

Its raining, its pouring,..

I feel like shit. sorry but i do, im so tired , mentally and still not over this stupid cold/bronchitis whatever it is.  Mentally exhausted b/c no longer can i live paycheck to paycheck. For some reason i cant even accomplish that. Every month im coming up negative - i get paid twice a month so its happening twice a month. Service fees, overdraft fees, and no money to spend. I dont know what is going on. This has never been my life. Never ever. Im so ashamed, Its like im going days without being able to spend money and it sucks. We all need money for dumb stuff like gas, lunches, etc anything. 
I swear i feel like throwing in the towel. But once again, it comes down to the fact that im a single mom, taking care of a family, on my salary, 2 boys, a boyfriend, 4 cats lol.  Im not changing my lifestyle for other peoples issues. Ill be damned. If i cant buy my boys clothes at Target for gods sake, something is really wrong in the world. OHH and did i tell you its been pouring out, lol. My first car the o6 which i owe only 4000 on till i own it, now cant get inspected bc it needs 1000 worth of work! I cant even afford to get it out of the shop to bring it home. Like i said, it hasnt stopped raining here , the cloud is just lingering over my house when its sunny everywhere else, maybe i should start writing poetry again! Usually good stuff comes from times of dispair lol. TTYL 
HUGS 
xoxox

Budgeting may give me peace of mind!

Like i previously noted, money is a pain in the azz.  Im so sick and tired of not having it, having $150 in overdraft fees each month and being late with payments. Its so frustrating to have your hard earned money just gone poof. Very discouraging to say the least. So i have a plan. Dont i always lol. I barely write any checks, its all online banking and i have things that the money is just taken out every month, like my at&t bill for example. So since i dont write checks, i dont keep a checkbook. I always used to, like 15 yrs ago lol. But if i think back, i never had these problems before. So, im going to keep a ledger. I think its going to be hard, since like i said alot of things just come out of my account , ill have to really keep an eye on that. Also, i use my debit card for EVERYTHING i do. So, yeah i can keep receipts but i always throw them out. I may have like 10 in one day and 1 the next. Im scared ill miss a few but i guess if i reconcile it with my banking online i should be ok. 
I think this will make me accountable for all the money i spend, so i can say, hey ive spent alot of money at x store . I have to do this, it may well just give me the peace of mind i need, in at least one respect!  The rest of my life, hey i cant ask for it all. Wish me luck. Ill let you know how it goes. Now i just have to figure out what kind of notebook etc would be the best for this adventure of mine. Hmm.
HUGS 

Money SUCKS!!!

I hate money, its the source of all evil. lol, really i love money, when i have it. Lately i dont know whats been going on but my money is disappearing quicker than i can get it. Its spent before my check gets direct deposited. I know i messed up my paycheck quite a few months ago, and it does take a long time, for those who dont know anything about money problems lol, it takes a long time to get it back together and catch up.  Then that leads to depression, and in my case, that is so true bc spending money is my high, it makes me so happy, and the only money ive been spending is for gas in my car, no happy dances been done at the local gas station either!! My friends at Starbucks are forgetting what i look like and my mouth is watering for my latte!! And i didnt get this way- poor- by overly spending. Its for other reasons,  i can quite say but lets just say bc my heart is bigger than my bank account lately!
 So i havent been around so much, you think id of been here to bitch more lol, but when i get depressed i tend to withdrawl from the world. Its not a good thing , I mean i have been working alot extra too , ugly hours haha, but its worth it. I have to, for my kids sake. Its a shame when their father died, he left them money but its in the hands of someone else, someone who doesnt seem to care if we have electricity or not, boy i thought that fell under the catagory of health, safety, etc. I know Mike wouldnt want this, what is gong on, no matter what the reason, he wouldnt want to see us struggling so hard, and to see the boys sad that im having a hard time, they can see it, read it in my demeanor, oh well. so i go on, the single latte mommy, doing what i have to to make it better for us - my family. 
HUGS xoxo

Dont grow up so fast, little one.

what to do , what to do. My 11 year old has the mind of a 30 something yr old man. He has always been ahead , its always felt like you were talking to an adult, not a child, Normal childhood games and experiences never really applied to him, and now he is realizing it. He worries so much, about money, about me, about life. Its as if he is carrying the weight of the world on his little shoulders. My boys have been through alot of different and hard things in their lives. They are good boys and im so proud of them. I know it must be partly my fault, b/c how would he be worrying about money if he hadnt heard me complain about not having any. He often feels guilty for nothing. I just want him to have more self confidence and i try to instill it. I want to take his worries away, he has his whole life to worry. ive tried getting him a therapist before, but he clams up when he gets there, he doesnt talk about that stuff, i guess i need to find someone he really can bond with. Im trying my best, but i cant fix everything, even as a parent. Guess ill be searching for a new therapist in the morning. Poor kid. so cute, 

why, why and why??

There are so many things in life that i will just never understand, like how the washer and dryer can actually eat your socks and underwear, how when making an appt, 10am really means you have to be there at 930a or its cancelled, how so many people go on maury and steve wilkos talk shows and deny they molested or cheated, when they know they are gonna fail that lie detector test (my favorite is the trick in the green room!) for all you hard core maury fans! How is it that you can have a career in which you do so good, all good for years, yet one made up or embellished comment can ruin you in a day, how someone can say they love you and then leave you, how people can be so selfish and not use please and thankyou. I wonder why some people (the good ones) die horrible deaths and the bad people slide by. I really dont understand how people are your "friends" yet drop you on a dime, how coffee can make you crazy and me sleep. Why do some people get cancer and some dont. Why is there so much grief in life? why are we measured by our wealth?, why do basketball players make millions but paying overtime to a single mom nurse staying with her pt a little longer is a crime.Why some people lie ? HOw can someone have more than one personality in their bodies/minds. why do some people get to have out of body experiences and see the light, how can i have all this energy and you cant get off the couch. Why depression lasts so long. Is there more to life than this? is this it? is this all i should be doing?

Supermom and the guilt.

You know i totally buy into this supermom/superwoman model that the world today has set up for us. I also am realizing the guilt that comes along with it. I remember my mother in law said to me, not so long ago, "Oh i remember you used to dress Nicholas so nice, he always looked so cute "etc. Now Nicholas is 13yrs old, and when i had him i was 27yrs old, just married and he was our first baby. OF COURSE he looked cute. See the way it was said was that he USED to look like that, and I USED to be on top of everything and in control. Now im apparently not. I guess she doesnt notice the Abercrombie and Fitch clothes that both my boys wear or their Gap jeans, calvin klien underwear. Im in control now and they looked damned cute.  I bust my ass so they do. It just felt like a dig and i dont think im being over sensitive. 
It seems today that our world has created this supermom model that we are supposed to ( and even as a single mother) have it all under control, or at least look the part. I think i need to practice on looking the part. I work, part time, every weekend, we have 2 cars, they go to a private school.,  we have food, breakfast lunch and dinner, and many more things. At times im so proud of myself for doing it alone. But then i see where i may falter in one area, so my desk area is a total mess, or i cant find my keys for 20min at a time, those boys get on the bus on time every morning. I look and read magazine articles, "how do you do it?" for todays moms, how do they? i mean , it gets done but im a mess inside. Im always feeling guilty that i didnt spend enough time with them , quality time, or that im setting a bad example when i say the F word (only now and then) or when i let them stay up late. Am i a bad mom? I feel like i am, alot. And its because of this "supermom" model that is out there, im 40 and somewhat successful, what is it going to make our teenagers strive for, and when they cant fulfill it, do they write a blog? or shove a pillow over their babies screaming mouth, you get the gist?
So, im gonna try and let go of the guilt, bc what good is it? The ones that should feel guilty for being bad moms, dont even know they are! My kids are great, i love them, and take care of them, and they know it. when i kiss their little noses at night, they know it..

The saga continues

I love reading comments on blogs, i try and leave one when i read, just to let the blogger know, im interested, i can relate, and i like to read your writing. Its definately a motivation to keep blogging. I mean, for instance, someone writes a book, and its not on the best seller list b/c no one comments on it, even if its great, no one knows. Makes it easy to give up, why would they write a sequel if they didnt know anyone liked the first. Just a thought. 
I had applied to university to further my nursing career, rn to bsn program. And i got accepted. I was to start in fall 2012. I applied last xmas time. now im having issues, with the ignorant nurse lady in charge. shes just ignorant. So i dont think im going to West Chester university anymore. Id rather do an online thing anyhow.
I found this website, where it tells you what twitter people unfollow you, mention you, etc. So im unfollowing all the ignorant people who dont want to read my tweets anymore. guess i bore some of them. hahah. Yeah im like that, im one of those people who have to get you back to feel better when i feel hurt. I guess it can seem childish, im not even like that all the time. I just think that when i get my feelings hurt, - i wanna make that person feel shitty, i know im like ten years old right. lol oh well, its one of my bad things, dont have that many . 
I dont know why men dont understand directions, i mean just little life things, not building a city or acing a physics test. when you tell your man you need more , more words, more i love yous, more you are great hun, anything, i mean i feel loved in other ways but that is lacking and i really respond to that. So when i tell him, straight up, almost exactly what to say, for years lol, and he doesnt do it, why is he suprised that im not extra lovable all the time. I need it and hes gotta learn the hard way. 
Anyhow im going for now. going to see how i can suddenly come up with alot of money in a short period of time lol- yeah right.

Theres a hurricaine forecasted!

what else can go wrong? When it rains it pours, hmm what other little sayings are there for "Im screwed , again"  It just makes me want to go crawl under a rock. Its my own fault, i f'd it up, big time. You know when your friends are like, "im so broke, i have no money" and you know they are exaggerating, and they are fine, well, im not one of those people. I am broke. not a dime. Lets just say, i paid the rent on Friday for $xy and the check didn't clear yet. I checked my online acct today, now i knew i didn't have alot of money but i just checked it and it has $xy- xyz. Get it? Yeah right, im in the negative, in the red ($xyz).. So, if you can add, subtract, blah blah, you'll now realize that the rent check wont clear, well it will clear, but i will also pay a nice $105.oo overdraft fee to my f'd up bank. Yeah and then i have nothing left and i just got paid Friday, not to be paid again for 2 weeks. Hmm , ok. now what, what ingenious idea can i come up with this time. I already did this last pay, and its worse before it gets better. Like i said, my fault. i forgot to put my vacation time in when i was off, and my manager oh so friendly like, didn't care to notice that i was getting paid for 8 of the 48hours per pay that i work. What does she think im Trump and don't need to be paid. Its not her job but really, thanks! 

So as i sit here and cry (sorry, but i cant help it)  Then of course i go into to the "why me, why cant i be taken care of? Why wasn't i taken care of when i was left alone to raise 2 boys alone, did i say alone?  Was i really dismissed, , turned away, untrusted  or overlooked that easily. It would seem i would be a priority being im alone with the boys. im so tired of trying, of fighting , of figuring out all of life's problems.  I just want to be happy, or content, something other than i am, but like i said, when it rains it pours and its a hurricane out there. I just need some shelter, or even an umbrella.

Just another day!

Well its been forever since ive blogged, i guess i got lazy with it, didnt have too much good news to write and didnt want to be a downer. Not too much is new. Same old shit, different day. Im still trying to cope with this ADD, seems to get worse whenever it wants. As far as organization etc. I have bought so many organizational tools its out of control. Impulsive shopping to say the least. I certainly dont need it all, and then i go and give stuff away to people, but they dont mind!! Ive been slacking on my promptness with getting up and getting the kids to the bus on time. Im setting that straight from today on, thats so important. Spring break is next week so i have a break then anyhow.
As far as my social life goes, what social life? lol. Whatever i had of one is gone. No one to share alot of stuff in my life with, gfs at least. Oh well what am i gonna do, just deal, i been doing that at least. i think thats why i been down tho. Boredom. And when money is tight, which it has been b/c my pay was screwed up( my fault) b/c i forgot to put in for days i took off, didnt use any vac time bc i forgot so i didnt get paid DUH. So no shopping and just stress and worry for the past 2 weeks. I hate feeling so stressed with money. Thats when i feel the most alone, when i realize its just me, im the only one responsible for our life and our well being.
So many appts to make, things to follow up on. another stupid parking ticket- in my own development. Bc there isnt enough parking we have to park in an illegal spot sometimes and now they have the nerve that the admin calls the police to come ticket us. What bullshit. 70 dollars, and if i dont pay in 5 days it becomes 130, and you know i cant make it be done in 5 days, not me lol. Shopping is just a short term happiness but i love it. Calls to make, and i hate talking on phone. if i can do it online, its done. talking just sucks. So hopefully ill have more fun things to discuss. ill try.
HUGS xoxo

What if i really did win???

Well, im sitting here, and ive been looking at the pile of mail- alot of junk- that has accumulated over there. Its been there a few days, and ive been neglecting it. Why? who knows, this is the way i screw things up. I think nothing important is there, and then when i open it , im like "Damn, i missed that " or something like that. I've just been in a mood lately. Cant shake it. Im sure it will go away but im WAITING. Im trying, pretty hard, to push, but i can only push so far. I push to get the necessary things done. Anything extra is just beyond approach right now.
Although it is scary, knowing that ive felt pretty down for so long- is this just it? Maybe it doesnt get better and i have to learn to do this. I think id feel better if i just buckled up and did things i need to do instead of procrastinating like i do. It just makes me feel guilty and things dont get done in time. Even my latte isnt helping!!
Ya know i went out there, i tried all these different medications with my psychiatrist , and nothing worked or side effects were too harsh, I know a medicine cant make you happy but at least id like to say it would help my moods stay stable instead of so up and down. When im up, its great and i make plans etc that i dont follow through on because i go down so fast. Its ridiculous, Its disheartening, its stupid, its boring, its unnecessary, and it SUCKS.
I;ll keep on trying tho. Maybe there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Who knows, i may just be the winner of Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes lol. I might!

Dreaming big

Wouldnt it be cool if you could be someone else for a day or so lol. Actually if you liked it you could stay longer. Just a little swap, to check out how the other half lives. Im not sure who id pick but i could start with the Real Housewives reality series. It would be so cool to live in mansion like that. To go to all those parties, get dressed up, spend all that money, without a care in the world, besides which charity to pick this time around. Hello- charity case, right here (waving hand in air). Im not a charity case, but next to them im dirt poor.  I just would want to see if i felt any different, and for how long. Sure it would be great at first, but how long would it take to wear off. I love spending money, shopping etc. and if i had no limit, or a really high one. would it make me a happier person. Now dont go thinking, wow she sounds really superficial b/c im not. I will say that i love the nice things in life. and most of them happen to be expensive. Just saying. But i manage my money good and i live in a beautiful home, for what i can afford. If you look at overall median incomes, im considered middle=high class. LMAO. See i cant imagine making 12,000 a year. I didnt grow up rich, nor poor. middle. But i always wondered what it would be like to be really rich. I know money cant buy you happiness but it can make you happier!! Id be alot happier if i had a cook, so that i made sure the kids ate healthy every night. Id be alot happier if i had a maid, so that i didnt hurt my back cleaning around here, and then working my ass off to lift dead weight people. Id be happier if i had money to get a new car so i didnt have to worry about mine just dying.
And the thing that makes me really pissy is that it will never happen. I wont be switching lives with anyone in the near future. You can do whatever you want with your life- great message sure, but its not realistic. Why is it that a damn baseball player can make millions yet me, the little ole RN, CANT. I just save lives, clean up all kinds of shit, literally lol, make life altering decisions ,etc. I mean dont people value our work in my field?. Obviously our values are pretty distorted where they pay ball players outlandish monies for absolutely nothing, well they say, its for entertainment and our well being. We'd have no well being if we werent alive. This is where i find it hard to believe that this is it. This is all there is. What kind of bullshit is this.
I have so many different scenerios in my head of how i could live, where, in what house, what cars, etc. I dream big. It just really sucks that i go to work, leave my kids, to take care of people (yes , its my choice i know) and yet im not compensated to the degree i should be. my opinion anyway....
I guess i picked the Real Housewives because its something, i can relate to, im that age, in a place near me, . im sure i could find alot of others to switch with, i just pulled them out of my head. Sure the grass is always greener, but they can water my lawn anytime they'd like!!

Ass backwards

Boys had their first day of school, it was bittersweet. Im excited for them and i think this year will really be different. Its got to be better than last year. Besides being the first couple of months after Mike died, a lot of other shit seemed to be going on. It , by far, was one of the worst years of my life, and i think theirs too. I feel guilty about that. But like i said, i think this year will be great. They are both in the same school!! Seem to be getting along pretty good right now too, like brothers lol.  Hopefully, since starting the ADD meds, my one son  wont have such a hard year, and i wont want to jump off a bridge when its homework time!!!
My sleep hasnt gotten any better. Last night i fell asleep around 2am and then i woke up at 430ish. I was wide awake and stayed up , got everything ready for school and got them to the bus on time. I came home and fell asleep around 930a and pretty much napped the day away. So now im awake at night AGAIN. I dont know if its even worth it to try and fix this, im trying to just accept it and go with the flow. No sense in having anxiety about it. I mean i havent gotten sick at all, ya know b/c my when your sleep is messed up, your resistance is down and you can get sick. Nope feel good! And i hate forcing myself to lie there , so i sleep when im tired. I obsess, haha
You know something that pisses me off, Ive been trying to sell these lottery tix for a fundraiser. Its for my friend who has cancer, there is a beef and beer this weekend and we were selling lottery tix for $20 each. And you could win, 10,000.  Thats a great prize, and $20 isnt that bad. So i brought them to work , well it was like i was trying to get you to give me their first born. My god, i didnt realize people were so cheap, or maybe im just too generous. Im sorry but esp for cancer, in a young person, 20 freakin dollars and when i would ask, people would just turn their heads, like they didnt hear me, some even just said no. I mean the people i work with have money, trust me, they have an extra 20 lying around for a charity. I was really disappointed in how it went down. Of course i made up for it by donating other great stuff and spent good time/money and even bought 2 lottery tix myself. You cant win if you dont play lol. I wont fault myself for being too generous either. Karma is real. And when i give, i feel good. Like when i shop i feel good, when i give someone something and they love it or they wanted it, it makes me feel so good. Thats a good old fashion high. LOL. I wish i had more money to give. So, since its nighttime i guess that means its time for me to start cleaning, showering, email, etc. Im ass backwards.
HUGS