Dont question my mental illness!!!

Like its not bad enough that we have to deal with the fact that some of us are depressed or anxious or.... Bipolar. But please please dont question my mental illness. I have two specific instances when this happened, and it pissed me off. Now its not like im going around yelling ' hey im bipolar!!' but of course my family knows and some friends may know that i have had problems with depression over the years.And it is who i am, and at the age of 39- im quite comfortable with who i am, and what i look like and how i think. Im me!
So the first instance was, my good ole momma.  I'm sitting here reading a blog of one of my favorites- The Bipolar Diva- minding my own business after a long day at work. My mom was there watching the kids for me. So she glances over at my laptop and says, " you know i dont think you are bipolar, or that what  that borderline personality, i think really you are just depressed, are you happy with x? ( my boyfriend of 5 yrs) . AHH The nerve. I cant even remember right now if i even came back at her, i think i just got up and walked away. OHH i forgot shes the psychiatrist, the professional, the DOCTOR>
The second instance was just today.  As you may or may not know, i started a new AD- Pristiq ( effexor with new patent) and im not sure what i think of it. But i do know it is causing me to have hot episodes and sweating, which DRIVES ME CRAZY, I dont know if the med is even working, but its not working well enough to tolerate the sweating.  So i was mentioning this sweating thing to my gf at work. And she is a great girl, just has different views on some things than i, she tells me i drink too much coffee- AS if there is such a thing hahah. but there are other things, anyhow, she says to me, " well do you really even need it? why do you need it, you dont need it."  AHHH , she sees me at work every weekend where i pretty much just get by my 2 12hr shifts with a wink of sleep and im on autopilot- and im outgoing and talkative usually- it passes the time lol. I didnt even know how to respond, i did somehow like, she doesnt know me that well, etc. We talked about bipolar- with another nurse friend, and she was like, "well i have mood swings too, i get sad too" OMG OMG please dont these people know, its so not the same, and until you live and feel the effects of these problems, you have no idea what you are talking about.
Sometimes i wonder, what do people see , how different is it from what i feel inside . Do i hide it that well. do i function or fake my ADD symptoms so that no one knows the mess going on in my head and my house lol. 
Oh well, i certainly know how i feel.

I gotta get rid of this feeling!!!

Im so miserable, im really trying to put on the happy face, for the kids- while im awake that is.  Im starting to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, i know it all too well. I cant describe it, its just an ugly feeling.  I used to get it alot, then when my meds are right, and i feel good, its gone, like its never been there before. I cant stand it tho, its just knawing and unsettling and uncomfortable and i WANT IT GONE!!! I took a xanax, dont know or remember if that helps or not. Worth a try tho.
I dont think this new AD -Pristiq, (the new effexor) is working. Its not doing a damn thing. I've been taking it for 2 weeks and i feel nothing but extra nothing. I dont want to keep taking it, but i dont want to just stop. I'll put in another call to my shrink tomorrow. I dont have my appt till the end of next week and thats too long. I know in my heart of hearts that nothing, no pill, no combo, will ever make me feel what i ache to feel- settled . Im always bouncing back and forth, and the bad is staying longer these times, its getting harder to bounce back. Im stuck.
I feel so guilty that im wasting all this time with the boys, they need me. They just lost their dad a year ago, im supposed to be making up for it somehow. I cant even feel like a good mom right now. Im going to take the boys out to the diner to eat dinner tonight. That is all they want, something simple, just to get out and do something different, but its SO HARD for me. WHY?? Why is it so freakin hard to get up and out of the house and get dinner, shit i dont even have to worry about cooking. But its killing me even thinking about it. When did this come full circle, i wasnt always this way.
I know it doesnt seem like it but im trying so hard to be right, its like i have to convince myself and i cant even do that. I feel worthless today.

Another weekend

Well its Friday night, that means another work weekend has arrived, my 2 12hr shifts. I know it doesnt seem like much work to people, but it is some hard laborious work. On my feet all day, walking , then its pulling 200-300 dead weight and all the various equipment attached to them.  Not that i need a man to do my job but we all are little girls in my ICU, small, strong- but little . It takes a toll on you after what- 15yrs so far. My back has had it. I get home from work and im done! Calling the heating pad and the bath. So by Monday im so exhausted- now add on to that my (psych/med ) issues at the moment.
Im in the middle of switching up meds, need a mood stabilizer and my add meds arent fine tuned at the moment. Could it get worse lol. probably.
Sometimes i could care less what i look like at work, scrubs, clogs, etc but i think when i feel pretty- like my hair /makeup looks good and i have pink scrubs on- instead of hospital blue- i seem to work a lil better. I need to remember that at 530am lol
Ive been doing wash since last night- where did it all come from? I have so much mail, paperwork to file, to get finished, to start. Im such a procrastinator (add) . I'll tell you, i bought 5 good books a couple months ago and i cant read anymore. I start and i lose focus, i used to be such an avid reader. I really need to get this med thing settled.
ta ta for now.
Luv T.