Friday, March 8, 2013

wounds that just wont heal

As I have grown into my adult life, well actually its just the past couple of years, im seeing that i must not have dealt with alot of childhood issues. Not blaming my childhood but realizing that things that happened 30 years ago are still very much affecting my everyday life and the way i raise my children. I think im noticing this more now because im parenting alone. If their dad was here, he definately would have worked through it with me, he wouldnt of let me feel what i feel so deep, scarred.
I had a difficult childhood, but had plenty of people that loved me. My mom was a single mom and did her best, hard work, raising me. It was my stepdad, that really f@ucked me up in the head, now im paying for it. Its like anytime someone yells at my kids, even if they deserve it, even if by a parental figure who cares for them. As soon as the loud booming voice starts, i cringe inside. It might not even bother the kids but its like im feeling it for them, going back in time and feeling it all over again, and i guess im feeling like i need to protect them b/c no one really protected me . The emotional abuse i lived through has never left me. I start to cry and feel it so deep. This is becoming a problem, and im seeing that it definitely has had an impact on my parenting style, discipline, or lack there of. I could go on but i think this is something i have to really work through, somehow. not very easy