Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Latte Mommy: I guess its time to face it all !

The Latte Mommy: I guess its time to face it all !: Well, this year is almost over. THANK GOD. I dont think it was one of the best. I remember last year i was so ready for the new year. I kept...

I guess its time to face it all !

Well, this year is almost over. THANK GOD. I dont think it was one of the best. I remember last year i was so ready for the new year. I kept believing that all the misery and sadness of mike dying would disappear and the boys and I would lead a normal, fun, new year where we were all productive and our problems would lessen. WRONG!!! . I kept saying, i cant wait for the new year, fresh start. NOPE. Just a day in the life. Now a year later, i dont know how i feel.
I am anticipating a great New year again. 2012. Its time we get it together. We've spent long enough in this mode. I've got to get it together and start being what i need to be. Doing what i need to do- when i need to do it. Im strong, i can do it. Whenever ive been down id always say, im a strong independent woman and i can do anything. Well its true. Ive just got in this hole and ive stayed there too long. Ive been trying to climb out but... now i guess i have no excuses lol. There are so many things i want to do, fix, work on, etc. If i dont do it , i never will, and i will continue to feel the guilt that i do. And its not worth it! 
Guilt is one of those horrible feelings that really dont do much for anyone. Its just bad no matter what. I need to release it all and realize i am doing my best, b/c i am. I am only one person, b/c i am. I can change alot of things but there are things i cant change, no matter how hard i wish i could. Wish me luck!
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012  

Friday, December 30, 2011

The Latte Mommy: I gotta move mountains

The Latte Mommy: I gotta move mountains: So not much has gone on , day was a blur, slept late , then went out with kids, came home, cleaned , tv, kids, etc. Not really anything prod...

I gotta move mountains

So not much has gone on , day was a blur, slept late , then went out with kids, came home, cleaned , tv, kids, etc. Not really anything productive. I feel a little tired right now, but only my eyes. Not my body or mind. I put some xmas stuff away. I barely decorated this year, it was bad. So i dont have much to put away but i think im done with the holiday this year. maybe it will be better next year.
Im back, sorry i took a lil break and did a few things. Need to finish my makeup but not this minute.YOu know what i hate, the fact that im up at night and i could be doing a million things, as far as cleaning goes, but we live on a one floor. so its like i have fear of waking everyone up if i make noise in the kitchin or the bathroom etc. I wish we had a bigger place, then i wouldnt mind but lol, then id have more to clean,! so i guess you cant win. Ill just shut the doors to everyone and go. I mean no one every wakes up but i feel like im on tip toe just to clean , of all things. Ive come to realize that im ocd about cleaning. and so many things now skeeve me that never did before.  Like just stuff , that needs to be cleaned, nothing really gross, just normal things, now make me feel really yucky and i have to clean them wheras before it wasnt a huge deal. Great, im progressively getting worse, not better! And with my ADD i feel like i have to have everything in order, tho it just becomes piles and papers and folders and binders etc, get the drift?
Well i have alot to do, i had my bf's son with us this week, and hes 8. so i had 4 males and me in this place and you know, sometimes men arent as particular as I am. At least the ones here arent. So i have my hands full. Wish me luck.
Hugs T.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Out with the old and in with the new

The Latte Mommy: Out with the old and in with the new: Well its been a long time since i last blogged. Ive been so out of the loop with it. It definitely makes me feel better but sometimes i just...

Out with the old and in with the new

Well its been a long time since i last blogged. Ive been so out of the loop with it. It definitely makes me feel better but sometimes i just get sick of complaining. If i dont do it here , i tend to keep it inside, which is not a good thing for me! Seems like not much has changed. So many things to do and so little time. Procrastination overwhelms me. Hyper focusing is strong. I'll sit here on my laptop and research whatever it is im interested in that day, to its death. I have so many- a ridiculous number of bookmarks and saved pages and documents. So many that i couldnt pull up something on the fly. I look through them sometimes and try to delete them , thats another thing. I wouldnt call myself a hoarder but i hold on to things way too long. Then i think, hmmm im being treated for my ADHD, ive done therapy, im on meds, i read read read, do charts, buy planners, you name it. Yet im still this way. Am i ever going to change. Its so time consuming to try and multitask , well i dont try, it just happens, to the end result of 3 projects sitting there done half assed, or just half done. Im tired of it, but it seems like its only getting worse.
Then i think, how am i supposed to help my child with ADHD if i cant help myself. not the best role model. It has to be more of a do as i say, not what i do~!  Feeling like a hamster in a cage, getting no where fast.  
Christmas came and went. Uneventful. Its my fav holiday, but i dont know what happened this year. Every year i have the Christmas carols on the radio, from Thanksgiving on lol. I annoy the hell out of everyone, but i love it. I love decorating, love my tree. wrapping, shopping, the crisp air, lights, etc. But this year i did none of it. No Christmas music on, no tree, no happy excited feeling. Shoot i still have presents to wrap, for people i know i wont see for another week! I think this has been the most depressing xmas ever. Its the second year without Mike, and i guess the first one was only 5 months after he died, and we were still in a blur. This year it was so real and in your face. Subconsciously i think it affected me more than i knew. 
So where do i go from here? I have no clue. Im in a pretty dark place. I mean im ok but im not. Im getting by and doing what needs to be done. But i need to go the extra mile on alot of things in my life right now . Shall i say - New Years Resolutions lol. worth a shot!
Hugs T.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Latte Mommy: ADHD- the terror of it all

The Latte Mommy: ADHD- the terror of it all: w ell i have my meeting tomorrow with school for 13 yr old. Its about his 22 page ADHD report from the DCIU. (testing by school system) and...

ADHD- the terror of it all

well  i have my meeting tomorrow with school for 13 yr old. Its about his 22 page ADHD report from the DCIU. (testing by school system) and then to meet with his teacher to discuss other things! GREAT. Im trying so hard and its not working. I guess i need to find more resources for him. Its just frustrating, esp when half your family doesnt believe in ADD even with a 22 page report lol. I mean if you read up on it, and really try to understand it, its brain chemistry, its not laziness etc. I have it, and i know what its all about, people dont realize what an obstacle it is. He is really smart kid and i am , always was but organization and focus and following through are hard things for us. losing things, forgetting things, losing interest if you dont really like it, i mean sure everyone does those things now and then but when its every day all day and its affecting your life, then its ADD, so to any non believers, keep it to yourself lol. I really wish his dad was here to help me and him. He and I shared everything about child rearing 100%, and now im alone with it. Its hard and scary. I know i can do it, its just a long road ahead, and its lonely. 
HUGS 
T.

Monday, December 5, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Sleep, no more?

The Latte Mommy: Sleep, no more?: i ll tell ya what, im really getting tired of being up at night. I am trying hard to turn it around, but its hard, esp since this is going ...

Sleep, no more?

ill tell ya what, im really getting tired of being up at night. I am trying hard to  turn it around, but its hard, esp since this is going on 10 months or so. Hard habit to break. It seems like it would be easy to do , switch it back, but my body is simply awake at night now. Like daytime. I've always been a night owl, until i had kids years ago, and before that nursing school, had to get up really early. Now i get the kids to school and asleep i go, until they come home. Its strange, like im doing nightshift in nursing, only prob with that is that nightshift i wouldnt get home until like 8 so i wouldnt be able to get them off to school which i enjoy doing.  I think with sleeping at night, id have to try really hard and then id be scared i wouldnt get up in the morning for the kids. I mean i go to work everyweekend 7a-7p so that i can do , I dont know, Its not that i dont feel good, i feel fine but im alseep when the rest of the world is awake, am i trying to hide from the world, is this my little recluse ive created that i enjoy not interacting with the world, have i become that social phobic , i mean i work fine but maybe i really want it this way. Funny what your mind can do, subconciously.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Bored out of my mind!!

The Latte Mommy: Bored out of my mind!!: Im bored, i mean im sure if i really tried, i have plenty to do, but ive done all i really feel like. Listening to a podcast now, first one ...

Bored out of my mind!!

Im bored, i mean im sure if i really tried, i have plenty to do, but ive done all i really feel like. Listening to a podcast now, first one was icu rounds, but his voice was so boring, now listening to an adhd one. More lively lol.  But im wide awake and dont know what i want to do. Ive vacuumed, dishwasher run, doing wash, straightened up, kitty litter, trash, went to starbucks lol, slept enough, now what?? Nothing is on TV, Switching up now, changing the podcast, still ADHD but a new one. Off work today, census was low, i was on call. i like to work but not when we dont have any pts. Ill take a nice warm shower soon, I really would be better off getting back on a regular schedule. up during the day, every day. Ill have to work on it, then , id be sleeping now and up when everyone else is.  Either that or switch to night shift lol. 
On another note, my fireplace is getting on my nerves, its gas, switch operated, and it wont stay on! Past day , it goes on for like 5 min and then it goes out. Maybe there is a draft somewhere but this shouldnt be happening, not with the rent i pay! So irritating. I could organize some papers, or go get the 2 days worth of mail out in the box, lol. orrr i could def go online and pay a few bills that are due, and im procrastinating on them. NOT good! Well let me go find something to do. Any ideas let me know
HUGS.
T.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Feeling abandoned and grouchy!!

The Latte Mommy: Feeling abandoned and grouchy!!: Im getting really tired of feeling this way. I guess its resorting back to the time in my life where i often felt abandoned. Or maybe its bc...

Feeling abandoned and grouchy!!

Im getting really tired of feeling this way. I guess its resorting back to the time in my life where i often felt abandoned. Or maybe its bc im in a foul mood. Im very irritable and everyone and everything is getting on my nerves. I dont know if its just me or what. I cant tolerate much these days. Too much noise, never alone to just sit or do anything. In charge of everything, responsible for everything and im just tired of it. Im thinking i need to pick up extra time at work for money- xmas, yet someone else is just sitting here on there azz playing video games. wtf.  
So anyway abandoned yes, like if i make friends, or start a friendship or even an old one. If that person is there like alot, every day etc to talk to  - it feels good. i feel appreciated, needed, wanted, special. RIGHT. So when that person disappears for a couple days, weeks etc i take it personally. I know that they dont owe me anything, i may not even know them well, but to me its like they left me b/c they didnt like me enough. I said or i did something wrong. I wasnt important enough. To feel like a real friend i want to be there everyday in some way. I've always wanted a best friend. Havent had one in a long time. Maybe bc im too needy or i expect too much. But then i wonder, why arent there other people out there that feel like me, and if there are, why havent i come across them yet? 
Ive got so much to do. SOOO much, i often feel overwhelmed, it feels like too much for me. But i dont ask for much help. I dont want to ask for it, it should be there for me. But i guess  since i always do it all, ill always be expected to keep doing it all. and i dont feel appreciated by anyone. 
Im very sad. and IRRITABLE. \
Hope this passes soon.
Hugs T.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Latte Mommy: You're so vain.

The Latte Mommy: You're so vain.: You know that song/ Youre so vain. Its an old song i forget who sings it. BUt it rings true. Some people always assume the worst. I guess i...

You're so vain.

You know that song/ Youre so vain.  Its an old song i forget who sings it. BUt it rings true. Some people always assume the worst. I guess i may be one of those people, and maybe thats why it bothers me so much. You know when you hear people whisper behind you, are you one of those people who automatically think its about you> i am. Paranoid in one way, and arrogant in another, like you think you are that important that everyone is talking about you! Its so vain ! I think the best thing we should do is ignore it, i dont care what other people say behind my back. they probably have no clue what they are talking about. But i see how bad it is to automatically deduce they are talking about me. NOT everything is about you. Dont assume, its not fair to others.
xo T.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Real friends? is there really

The Latte Mommy: Real friends? is there really: You know what really bothers me, when you have a friend, who would prefer to tell Facebook rather than you about whatever is new in their li...

Real friends? is there really

You know what really bothers me, when you have a friend, who would prefer to tell Facebook rather than you about whatever is new in their life. I mean i understand social networking and the fun of it all. You could tell both ya know. I just wish i had someone as my friend that thought "i cant wait to tell "T" rather than, "oh i gotta post this on facebook!"
Maybe its me, maybe it just goes back to the beliefs i have, i try and get interested and involved in my friends lives, i wanna be there for them, so i believe they will be there for me. Karma thing. But it just seems no one is receptive anymore. Maybe i dont do it right! Maybe they dont know or care to know. I have no idea. Its lonely without friends, i mean the real ones too. Shoot i have a million "friends" acquaintances, etc. I mean the real deal. So hard to find, and keep happy. Maybe ill figure it out one day, maybe not. 
T.

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Can we do it?

The Latte Mommy: Can we do it?: I often wonder who is visiting my blog. Its just strange how many different people get here and read my stuff. I love it but i wish there we...

Can we do it?

I often wonder who is visiting my blog. Its just strange how many different people get here and read my stuff. I love it but i wish there were more comments or followers, everyone likes to feel wanted lol.  So im still dealing with my new diagnosis of arthritis. It just sucks being so young and having a disabling illness. It is controllable but it doesnt get better. Well i guess i should add it to the list. I really need to follow up on so many things with my health. Being the only parent now, i should be making it a priority. I was always scared to find out things that were wrong with me, id rather just deal and not know but now i have to take more responsibility for my health and do the right thing. So i have to go to the dentist, get my eyes checked ( i need glasses), get bloodwork done, start exercising more, eat right, blah blah blah. Its hard to stay in good health lol
I wish i had more good things to say , i really do. I try. ive found a great website, and its all about being more positive . well its really a blog called "The missing piece" http://guideusto.blogspot.com/. Its wonderful, and i wish i could print it all out and make a scrapbook or something out of it. I'd have the boys read it too, we all need a little optimism and learning how to be happy. I know my pessimism ( that ive had all my life) must rub off on them, shit it rubbed off from my parents to me. Im not always like that but the kids pick up on all kinds of stuff. Smart children i have lol.  i encourage everyone to check out that blog i mentioned. It may just give you a little hint of joy. Maybe i will make a scrapbook with it, since i do better with colors and patterns and flashy glittery things lol. And then i can read a piece of it all the time. Well the kids and i can together. Ill let you know how it turns out. Ill even take a picture of the finished project. With my ADHD i wouldnt count on seeing it finished too soon lol, maybe ill post a little at a time haha.
HUGS 
T. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Well, here we are again. Im trying out some differ...

The Latte Mommy: Well, here we are again. Im trying out some differ...: Well, here we are again. Im trying out some different colors and stuff here. Having ADHD ive learned that i do best if i make things colorfu...
Well, here we are again. Im trying out some different colors and stuff here. Having ADHD ive learned that i do best if i make things colorful, color coded, in lists, you know interesting to look at and remember. So lets see how this turns out, for the fun of it.
It was one of those days, back was killing me, beyond belief. So, i figured instead of going to the ER= I didnt feel that bad! I stopped in the Urgent care center- orthopedic. Its about two miles down the road from my house and id gone once before. They were pretty nice, so i gave it a shot. Had a really nice talk with the doctor, she ended up doing alot of xrays. AND, of course, i always thought that maybe i was imagining the pain, making it worse than it was, probably nothing wrong with me. BUT, apparently i have BAD thoracic back arthritis. YES, i said it ARTHRITIS. And im not even 40. wtf. I have a strong family hx of it and that is a huge factor. Im a woman, and ages 40-65 are prime. Esp those who have either had a back injury or do strenuous work with their back.- HELLO NURSING.  I was so bummed, she showed them to me. I knew what i felt wasnt nothing. It hurts, all the time, and now its a proven fact. Arthritis is painful, esp in your spine.  So i am supposed to do some core body strengthening exercises, PT, and pain management. Im so tired of being in pain. I hope this can get better. 
That was the excitement of my day. Yeah great news. Now i really want to go back to school, how can i continue to do this to my body for 20+ years.  I didnt get everything accomplished that i wished for but my back was pretty high on my list. I also went to a school event for the younger one. It was nice and he was happy i was there. So i still have many many phone calls and appts to make. Its so overwhelming . I managed to clean up the house. That feels nice. Cooked a nice dinner for the boys, etc. It wasnt a bad day.
On that note, really funny quick here, i just put this coconut milk, with jojaba oil on my bfs hair, and it needs to set, so i snuck into the bedroom and grabbed my flower shower cap and i snuck it on him and he had a fit- laughing that is!! I actually laughed= thats good for me.YEAH!!!  

The Latte Mommy: Productive day ahead!!

The Latte Mommy: Productive day ahead!!: I havent felt very good, so i wasnt ready or up to writing until now 630am lol. I just went to Starbucks and got my fav drink and one for la...

Productive day ahead!!

I havent felt very good, so i wasnt ready or up to writing until now 630am lol. I just went to Starbucks and got my fav drink and one for later lol. Its my fav place in the whole world. Nov 17-20 from 2-5p you can buy one holiday drink and get one free!! YEAH. THey just came out with their christmas cups, tumblers, mugs. I cant wait to get mine. So kids should be getting up soon, and off to school. One has a field trip. fun. The other has some type of publishing party. Im not sure if parents are supposed to go. hmmm. So i just emailed his teacher to make sure if im supposed to be there!  I am sad to say i havent done or followed through on any of the big things i started. Phone calls, meetings, etc.. That is so me and that is what im trying to change. Why cant i? They say it takes like 21 days or something like that to make a habit. So if i stay up in the daytime and make sure i accomplish one thing per day. Maybe if i even start walking every day. By 3 weeks it will be a habit. Thats not long at all. I can do that.
Its chilly out, a little rainy, i love this weather. Cool, cloudy, i either like it like that, or sunny, no inbetween stuff.
So Im back, i took a little break, went to Starbucks, got a little list going now. Gonna be productive today- i promise me and you. Ill let you know what i get done later, But im dressed, doing wash, kids off to school, straightening up, and drinking my fav frappachino . Starbucks has their xmas stuff - mugs out. Yeah!! i need a new tumbler for coffee.
Well wish me luck, im going to have a productive day!!!
HUGS
T.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Ramblings...late night...

The Latte Mommy: Ramblings...late night...: Nothing more to do than blog lol. Its late and im awake, sure i am, you would be too if you slept all day. I dont mind tooo much but id lik...

Ramblings...late night...

Nothing more to do than blog lol. Its late and im awake, sure i am, you would be too if you slept all day. I dont mind tooo  much but id like to go shopping, maybe to Target, but its closed. Everywhere i want to go is closed. Oh well, only 6 more hours till morning. Actually i need to make a latte, i havent had one all day, im not sure if thats why i feel like i keep having these brain "zaps" like electrical shocks in my head, ive had them before, but that was when i discontinued Effexor, med for depression- that didnt work by the way. anyway, yes latte, brb.
ok, im back. with my latte. ah too hot to drink. Im really bored right now. I did a little cleaning and i cleaned alot yesterday. So it looks pretty good in here. I dont know what else to do right now. I rarely get like this. oh well. Maybe ill watch some greys anatomy. , hold on Ok, watching season 3 still on greys anatomy. I watch it on Hulu Plus
Anyway, im having a hard time tonight thinking of Mike, just alot of things running through my mind. I havent cried in a bit, but i am tonight. Tears just come. I cant help it. I dont want to cry cause i hate it. but i guess its healthy, right? I just wish it never happened and i wish Mike was here to help raise the boys. My wish wont come true in reality tho so i gotta face it . I'll be fine, just getting it out every now and then helps.Then tomorrow comes and i go on...
Hugs T.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Buying pretty things.

The Latte Mommy: Buying pretty things.: Wow, i havent written here in awhile. I havent felt up to par. I've just about been getting by. I mean, its all good and im fine. Ive just b...

Buying pretty things.

Wow, i havent written here in awhile. I havent felt up to par. I've just about been getting by. I mean, its all good and im fine. Ive just been blah and even tho it would probably benefit me to write, i havent.  Ive been a homebody, havent gone out unless it was necessary. Boys got their flu shots, playdates went on. Doctors got seen, but it was a huge effort. Ive definitely gotten really behind on the cleaning, i mean its not Dirty but unkempt.  I think when your house is dirty, and i mean dirty smelly, it has to reflect on your outward appearance. Like i make sure i look presentable, well pretty darn good, every day that im going out or seeing people. Now i could have sweats on and still look good. I'd rather have on something nicer, b/c i do feel that what you wear and how you look on the outside helps you feel better on the inside and it shows.  Im getting irritated tho with my makeup. I used to wear Chanel and i had the whole gamete. It cost me and arm and a leg but i never got so many complements on my makeup. Then when it wore out, i never replaced it all. So i have this brand , that brand, etc. Then i pick up makeup i like at the store, online, etc. But its never been the same, and now that im getting older, its more important . Im going to replenish my Chanel makeup and thats that. It will make me feel better, hell, i never do anything for myself anyhow. Live!! Now on to cleaning lol.

Friday, October 28, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Somehow, a lil note.

The Latte Mommy: Somehow, a lil note.: Still feeling kinda crappy - oh well, ill feel better tomorrow, . The boys have to leave me this weekend, so im sad already! I'll be working...

Somehow, a lil note.

Still feeling kinda crappy - oh well, ill feel better tomorrow, . The boys have to leave me this weekend, so im sad already! I'll be working the whole time, i just hate missing them. We are all each other has. My stomach has really been bothering me, i dont know if i have reflux or just some of the vitamens are bothering me, i dont usually have a full stomach to take anything on. HM maybe its my lifestyle catching up with me. Maybe its getting to be time to turn my schedule around- back from upside down. I was reading an article about self sabotage. I didnt finish it, - i cant finish anything anymore- very distractable. Anyway, it looked good, i;ll let you know. I hope its not raining tomorrow b/c i wanted to take the boys to Linvilla to get pumpkins and mums. That would be nice. Considering Halloween is Monday!
Thats me for you. last minute, procrastinator, but i get it done- SOMEHOW lol.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Mood journal HMMM

The Latte Mommy: Mood journal HMMM: Havent posted in awhile, I guess i havent felt it. I had some great ideas for posts last week, but i never went through with them. I will, w...

Mood journal HMMM

Havent posted in awhile, I guess i havent felt it. I had some great ideas for posts last week, but i never went through with them. I will, when im in an enthusiastic writing mood! Hopefully soon. I just hate slipping into this mode. Blah, Blah. I should really chart this , moods and see when , if, i am ever feeling good. Doesnt feel like it happens much at all. Tonight i have that stupid feeling in my stomach, the pit, the one that feels so wrong. I hate it. And its really hard to get rid of. Its always been there, my whole life, it just comes and goes, hints that things just arent right. Nervous energy, but blah, i did some cleaning and laundry, but nothing is helping me change this feeling. UGH. Maybe ill write later if it goes away., or if it doesnt!!!

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Latte Mommy: My tree stays up till Feb.

The Latte Mommy: My tree stays up till Feb.: Seems to me that i havent been very interesting lately, well let me think of something interesting to tell you. hmmm, see i dont lead the mo...

My tree stays up till Feb.

Seems to me that i havent been very interesting lately, well let me think of something interesting to tell you. hmmm, see i dont lead the most interesting life at this point. I mean there isnt much going on that would interest you. still have alot of junk surrounding me that i need to clean. lots of chores that are never ending. Im still watching Greys anatomy, im now on season 3- i get bummed out knowing one day ill be done. tHEN what.
Its great, its so chilly out and i have my fireplace going. Toasty, hey never thought of it, but maybe i could make smores there lol. Speaking of, ive got to get to Linvilla. I need pumpkins and i need mums. Ive got to get in the spirit. Ive got to find the rest of my halloweeen decorations. Ive Always been a decorater for the holidays, I put out stuff really early. I start to listen to xmas music, as soon as it starts, november usually. Ive kept my xmas tree up until feb once lol. Once the holidays come it feels so nice. I guess since Mike died, holidays are different, not so homey, toasty, kind of empty. But ill try, ill go look for my halloween stuff right now!!!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Latte Mommy: What if i really did win???

The Latte Mommy: What if i really did win???: Well, im sitting here, and ive been looking at the pile of mail- alot of junk- that has accumulated over there. Its been there a few days, a...

What if i really did win???

Well, im sitting here, and ive been looking at the pile of mail- alot of junk- that has accumulated over there. Its been there a few days, and ive been neglecting it. Why? who knows, this is the way i screw things up. I think nothing important is there, and then when i open it , im like "Damn, i missed that " or something like that. I've just been in a mood lately. Cant shake it. Im sure it will go away but im WAITING. Im trying, pretty hard, to push, but i can only push so far. I push to get the necessary things done. Anything extra is just beyond approach right now.
Although it is scary, knowing that ive felt pretty down for so long- is this just it? Maybe it doesnt get better and i have to learn to do this. I think id feel better if i just buckled up and did things i need to do instead of procrastinating like i do. It just makes me feel guilty and things dont get done in time. Even my latte isnt helping!!
Ya know i went out there, i tried all these different medications with my psychiatrist , and nothing worked or side effects were too harsh, I know a medicine cant make you happy but at least id like to say it would help my moods stay stable instead of so up and down. When im up, its great and i make plans etc that i dont follow through on because i go down so fast. Its ridiculous, Its disheartening, its stupid, its boring, its unnecessary, and it SUCKS.
I;ll keep on trying tho. Maybe there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Who knows, i may just be the winner of Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes lol. I might!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Not much to say

The Latte Mommy: Not much to say: wow, i havent written in a long time. I guess i havent had much good to say. Actually every time i started to write, something would happen ...

Not much to say

wow, i havent written in a long time. I guess i havent had much good to say. Actually every time i started to write, something would happen and i would lose it or just close my laptop all pissy, for one reason or another. Nothing great or exciting has happened, you havent missed much. Im on one of my work weekend insomnia episodes. Im used to it. Ill be tired tomorrow, put my head down at lunch, get more energy before i leave work till late tomorrow nite, then pass out, have to wake up to get kids off to school monday at 7a and then back to sleep till whenever. Not the best start to my week huh. I know, i know, i gotta get a handle on it. I will. I've been watching Greys anatomy, from the very beginning episode in 2005 . Im wondering why i never watched this before because I LOVE IT. Watching it on hulu - I've cried about 5x already. Good and bad / happy and sad cries.
Watching Derek and Meredith be in love made me crave that beginning of the relationship phase. With the butterflies in your stomach and your head in the clouds. Ahh the good old days. I swear that is one of the best feelings in the world. But , i digress.
My hands are just tired right now. so are my eyes. not my brain tho. or my mouth lol. I hate when my eyes are. Cant do much about it. YOu know i havent even really decorated for halloween much. I always do. I will. ok im going. ttys.
Hugs
T.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Acquaintances arent that bad, right??

The Latte Mommy: Acquaintances arent that bad, right??: I try to be a good friend, i really do care when people confide in me ,when they tell me about their joys and sorrows, i can keep a secret, ...

Acquaintances arent that bad, right??

I try to be a good friend, i really do care when people confide in me ,when they tell me about their joys and sorrows, i can keep a secret, i;ll never deny help to anyone and i love to help out-be needed- make it better. It makes me feel good to know im making a difference,etc. Probably why im a nurse. So why is it that i come across as selfish and that its all about me? I dont want any answers really! Its not a real question to you!! lol.
I dont know how there could be such a discrepancy . And if so, how in the heck do i fix it if i dont see it. I've gone to therapy over the years, ive been through alot in my 39 yrs of life, and in the past few years i've grown to really like /love myself . I got tired of beating myself up for things i cant change. Ive always stood up for myself but now i think i believe it more. Yes, i have flaws and i have insecurities and i may not believe in myself as much as i used to ( in my younger years) but i've matured in the fact that I really dont care if you like what i say or what i wear , i like myself and im not changing for anyone. If you dont like me, its your loss. It may be like i said in my last post, maybe i dont ACT happy enough or seem that i care enough. Maybe its that im too sarcastic and people dont really know if im kidding or not. People mistake what i mean alot, if im your friend, i never mean to speak ill of you or make fun of you.  If people really got to know me, they would know its just my demeanor , and actions speak louder than words, or the tone of words.
So, at any rate, I reach out, i try to be a friend, a real one. Making friends is harder than it used to be. Im not around moms anymore like i was when my kids were younger and doing tons of activities. I dont belong to any clubs, I take care of my kids, go to work, and really just try to get by everyday. You know its like the sayings, you cant cheat a cheater, or you cant lie to a liar (yes i just made that up lol) i see things for what they are, i see people for what they are, im very aware.
So when do i stop trying? (again, not a real question). I dont want to stop but how many times can i open myself up and get nothing in return. How many attempts at finding a really good friend, one that doesnt ignore me or talk about me, or leave me in the dust, do i make. its so disheartening. The only positive i can take from it is that if i only have acquaintances and nothing more, i cant be hurt as bad. I just have to make that choice, put that wall back up and leave it at that.
HUGS
T. 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Deep in a hole.

The Latte Mommy: Deep in a hole.: Im sure my writing will pick up, i just havent been in the mood and in fact ive kinda been depressed. Ok i said it! More like BLAH than deep...

Deep in a hole.

Im sure my writing will pick up, i just havent been in the mood and in fact ive kinda been depressed. Ok i said it! More like BLAH than deep depression. Just bored, tired, lazy, uninterested, unenthusiastic . Sometimes i think that i actually have set my expectations of what "happy" feels like too high. Maybe this is what it should feel like, so why do i expect so much more. When i was little , even then, i was never an enthusiastic child. I would say thank you and everyone would be like- you could be a little more happy looking or something stupid like that. When you get to know me, my little thank you could mean I LOVE IT. I just dont show it well enough. So, ive grown up that way. Who the hell knows what happy is anyway.
Im trying to get out of this rut, soon i will. I just dont feel very in control of things right now, and being a perfectionist- in my mind- nothing is right. Things have gotten out of my control and its KILLING me. Cant blame anyone but myself but im allowed to complain lol. I've just got to concentrate on getting control back. I know i can, but this rut is in a way bc of that also. One big hole im in,
HUGS

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Nursing can be emotionally draining!!

The Latte Mommy: Nursing can be emotionally draining!!: Ill do a little posting here, got called into work. Not so bad, only had to work 7 hrs vs my usual grueling 12 lol. Was a sad day tho, had a...

Nursing can be emotionally draining!!

Ill do a little posting here, got called into work. Not so bad, only had to work 7 hrs vs my usual grueling 12 lol. Was a sad day tho, had a "gift of life" donor. Means someone was healthy but braindead and they were an organ donor. Its a long process, you spend every second with that patient doing work. TOns of bloodwork, tons of medications, lines put in, monitering all kinds of stuff, basically making sure every part/organ of that person is JUST right and stays that way until the "harvest" takes place. That is when the person goes to the operating room and the organs are taken, it definitely puts a different spin on organ donation. I mean you realize that they and their family are doing everything they can to help another unfortunate person live another day, yet its so barbaric. Ive seen one once, years ago. I dont even know how i can describe how i felt. I know the persons brain was dead, gone , their spirit somewhere else, somewhere good- for they were giving the ultimate sacrifice. Im not an organ donor, i know, a nurse who isnt! I just have mixed feelings, a personal choice, as we all have these choices.  So it was sad, esp because the pt was in their early 20's. such a young life to be taken.  Its just one of those things that make me question so many things in the world, and beyond. I often go there in my head. I wouldnt stay for another "harvest" , it just makes me ill inside. too sad, but i give the patient alot of praise for that decision they made beforehand, you know that little sticker on your drivers license. They may just be saving alot of lives tonight!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Looking at my future

The Latte Mommy: Looking at my future: Yeah i know i havent been around in a little bit, sorry. I guess i just havent felt that "spark" to write. I hate it when that happens, to m...

Looking at my future

Yeah i know i havent been around in a little bit, sorry. I guess i just havent felt that "spark" to write. I hate it when that happens, to me it feels like im just not feeling like me, but ive actually felt ok.  On call this weekend, yeah!! so i get to actually spend a weekend with the boys, just them and me. Ive had alot to take care of lately and ive kept up pretty good. Im actually glad im off work. Seems they are really looking at us, under a microscope, not sure why but alot of people have either left or been fired in the past 6 months, something is going on. I know nurses are supposed to be "in demand" but they arent acting like it. Unless they are trying to weed out the old- higher paid more seniority and higher the new.  Job security is scary, esp since im now a single, widowed mom of two growing boys.So anyway i figure if im not there i cant screw up lol. Im in the process of registering for online college to get my RN-BSN . I need my bsn to get a better or higher up job and i would like to have alot of options. I really want to teach- clinical. Hands on, like in a nursing school, i been doing this job 15 yrs, think i know what im doing and I LOVE teaching.  I just taught a nurse at work something she didnt know how to do and she came out and said thank you, you are so patient! you taught me so well! I was Shocked lol, im not patient, but maybe in a teaching situation i am and in my normal rush rush life im not. Its just a calling ive had in the past few years so im going to go for it. I cant work in critical care and be doing all this laborious work, its so physical and no one seems to get it. they think i give pills and sit at a desk. NO way, im on my feet for basically the whole 12 hours i work and im constantly lifting , pulling up, turning dead weight patients on ventilators. Its not their fault but my back is already in bad shape. Ok ta ta for now. getting my heating pad out as we speak lol

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Latte Mommy: OH and ....

The Latte Mommy: OH and ....: If you like reading my blogs- follow me- i like the company!!!

The Latte Mommy: Bloggers block

The Latte Mommy: Bloggers block: Well i guess its been a few days since i last blogged. Ive been tired, Im trying to get my sleep somewhat back on track with the kids in sch...

OH and ....

If you like reading my blogs- follow me- i like the company!!!

Bloggers block

Well i guess its been a few days since i last blogged. Ive been tired, Im trying to get my sleep somewhat back on track with the kids in school now. Im doing a little better but we will see. Besides neglecting my blogging, ive neglected alot of things. I have a pile of papers that i need to file, send out, get signed, deposit etc. Its gonna take awhile but i gotta get it going. Who knows if there is time sensitive stuff in there!! Had a good weekend at work. It was slow but nice. So far , great with the kids and school. Getting to the bus on time. no big problems with homework,(i know , its early!!) but it feels good. Not much else is new. I worked all weekend, yesterday i ran some errands and today my goal is this paperwork UGHHH. So wish me luck, talk soon!
hugs

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Latte Mommy: How do we make them Want to learn???

The Latte Mommy: How do we make them Want to learn???: I;ll tell you, kids these days , ughhh, When i was in school, elementary and middle school i had homework and there was no question that i h...

How do we make them Want to learn???

I;ll tell you, kids these days , ughhh, When i was in school, elementary and middle school i had homework and there was no question that i had to do it. I didnt get to not study. I didnt get to come home and play on the computer for hours. I wasnt allowed to do much, and we didnt have after school activities like the kids today. I had dance. thats all. Now days, these kids do so many activities, they never have a dull moment. Thats the problem. Nothing wrong with reading or taking a walk or watching some tv or studying(god forbid). Extra work is a thing unheard of. They have no motivation , no urge to succeed, no goals. Its just ' get it done, least work possible. Then we have to be tyrants, parents who time their computer time, and badger them all the time. I dont know why kids dont have in it them. Is it because of how we as a society have evolved- how america is Lazy! It sucks, i want my kids to want to learn, make the world proud, etc, but its become a chore. I dont even know how i feel about homework. Its so much sometimes that their day is just one big "school" and it deters them. To some degree at least. After school time should be free time, they really dont have that much of it after all. But trying to cram it all in can be tiresome. I dont know what a motivation could be, i dont like the bribery thing, they shouldnt get a reward for doing good in school. its expected. So how do we entice them? How do we make them Want to be smart. This is a hard one, and one i;ll keep trying to figure out!!

The Latte Mommy: Dreaming big

The Latte Mommy: Dreaming big: Wouldnt it be cool if you could be someone else for a day or so lol. Actually if you liked it you could stay longer. Just a little swap, to ...

Dreaming big

Wouldnt it be cool if you could be someone else for a day or so lol. Actually if you liked it you could stay longer. Just a little swap, to check out how the other half lives. Im not sure who id pick but i could start with the Real Housewives reality series. It would be so cool to live in mansion like that. To go to all those parties, get dressed up, spend all that money, without a care in the world, besides which charity to pick this time around. Hello- charity case, right here (waving hand in air). Im not a charity case, but next to them im dirt poor.  I just would want to see if i felt any different, and for how long. Sure it would be great at first, but how long would it take to wear off. I love spending money, shopping etc. and if i had no limit, or a really high one. would it make me a happier person. Now dont go thinking, wow she sounds really superficial b/c im not. I will say that i love the nice things in life. and most of them happen to be expensive. Just saying. But i manage my money good and i live in a beautiful home, for what i can afford. If you look at overall median incomes, im considered middle=high class. LMAO. See i cant imagine making 12,000 a year. I didnt grow up rich, nor poor. middle. But i always wondered what it would be like to be really rich. I know money cant buy you happiness but it can make you happier!! Id be alot happier if i had a cook, so that i made sure the kids ate healthy every night. Id be alot happier if i had a maid, so that i didnt hurt my back cleaning around here, and then working my ass off to lift dead weight people. Id be happier if i had money to get a new car so i didnt have to worry about mine just dying.
And the thing that makes me really pissy is that it will never happen. I wont be switching lives with anyone in the near future. You can do whatever you want with your life- great message sure, but its not realistic. Why is it that a damn baseball player can make millions yet me, the little ole RN, CANT. I just save lives, clean up all kinds of shit, literally lol, make life altering decisions ,etc. I mean dont people value our work in my field?. Obviously our values are pretty distorted where they pay ball players outlandish monies for absolutely nothing, well they say, its for entertainment and our well being. We'd have no well being if we werent alive. This is where i find it hard to believe that this is it. This is all there is. What kind of bullshit is this.
I have so many different scenerios in my head of how i could live, where, in what house, what cars, etc. I dream big. It just really sucks that i go to work, leave my kids, to take care of people (yes , its my choice i know) and yet im not compensated to the degree i should be. my opinion anyway....
I guess i picked the Real Housewives because its something, i can relate to, im that age, in a place near me, . im sure i could find alot of others to switch with, i just pulled them out of my head. Sure the grass is always greener, but they can water my lawn anytime they'd like!!

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Really bad mood

The Latte Mommy: Really bad mood: Ive just been having a bad few days. My mood is down, i just feel like crap. Im in a rut, and i gotta get out cause i feel like im sinking q...

Really bad mood

Ive just been having a bad few days. My mood is down, i just feel like crap. Im in a rut, and i gotta get out cause i feel like im sinking quick. I really dont have much to say , i just wanted to check in. Now with me, this mood could get better today, or it could get worse. Rarely will it stay the same. I just feel like im stuck in the same day over and over , and its not a good day. Ive let relationships slowly fall apart, and then i wonder why i dont have any close friends. Its my fault. I dont keep my end of the deal. and its because im so god damn moody. Im just tired of all of this.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Guilted up again

The Latte Mommy: Guilted up again: So the boys are gone , i hate this so much. I was so tired, couldnt sleep when i tried last night. Got them to the bus, went to my doctor ap...

Guilted up again

So the boys are gone , i hate this so much. I was so tired, couldnt sleep when i tried last night. Got them to the bus, went to my doctor appt, helped my friend out with the beef and beer last minute things and then came home. It was around 2ish. I laid on the couch cause my eyes were tired and boom, im out. Alseep unitl like 8p when i wake up. Now, im pissed, i gotta get them ready to go to Bil's house. packed, make sure homework goes , medicines are packed. etc etc. And i dont want to move!! Finally got them out by 930p. And i didnt even get to spend time with them. Now they were perfectly content im sure playing video games without my nagging voice in the background. Eating poptarts and granola bars lol. And they were fine. It just sparked up that guilt factor. I was going to take them to bookstore and then out to eat. Guess those plans got squashed. Now i wont see them until sunday night, when its the rush of getting ready for bed and school in the morning. I get no fun time, no down time, during the school year. Its the rush of the school year etc etc. I'll have to make it up to them next week. Hey at least ive been getting them up , breakfast, dressed and to the bus stop ON TIME. Thats a plus, bonus point for me. I guess i cant have it all. Well not all at once anyway!!

The Latte Mommy: Stuck between a rock and a shady person...

The Latte Mommy: Stuck between a rock and a shady person...: Well this is a strange thing, 2 blogs in 24hours lol. The reason im blogging now is b/c im thinking of something and ill forget about it la...

Stuck between a rock and a shady person...

Well this is a strange thing, 2 blogs in 24hours lol.  The reason im blogging now is b/c im thinking of something and ill forget about it later. I really hate depending on people, asking for help, not doing it all myself. I hate it more than you can imagine. I've always been this way. Stubborn, perfectionist, u get the drift! I think its helped me to achieve the success that ive had thus far. Able to survive as a single woman /mother and raise 2 boys by myself. - and we do pretty well i may say. Ive worked since i was 16 and ive always taken care of myself. And i really do believe its the Aries in me lol.
So, since the boys dad passed away, weekends are yucky. I work every weekend 2 twelve hour shifts, and they would always be home with dad. That way i was home all week with the boys and made full time money and benefits. So, now that he is gone, i became shit out of luck on the weekends. Really its Friday night to Sunday night. Seems like forever too!  My brother in law watches them for me at his place, very close by. And they love it there, with their cousins and they feel like he is a second dad. I hate it though that i have to bring them there every weekend , i miss them alot. Im home alone all weekend, well me and the cats lol. they are like little kids ya know! So i hate the fact i have to do this. I mean im lucky they like to go but it just seems unfair . So for awhile another family member was coming over to stay on the weekends, that way the boys didnt have to leave their home every weekend. I would come home to my boys and it was nice - to a point. That family member , well , can be shady at times. I cant really go into it, but trust me, shady , yes. So it was like, which is better? Neither. I figure in a few years, they can stay alone, and by then maybe ill have won the lotto and became independently wealthy!
Anyway, this shady person gets on my nerves, always asking me for things, things that are mine and i need, but so do they and apparently its more important for them than for me. So i think that one of the reasons they dont mind coming is also b/c they can get what they need. And it pisses me off. So either way im screwed.  I think that was gonna be the case this weekend, and the boys said they wanted to go to BILs house. I was glad, i like it when they want to go, i dont feel guilty. I got to text shady last night, at that point i didnt know what the boys wanted to do, so i asked what shady had planned this weekend, No reply, hmm i think they were pissed at me, for not giving in to them earlier in the week. So fine, today i just texted, dont worry about it, boys WANT to go to BILs. HAHAH. Cant wait for shady to see. That will annoy them. And now they cant get/steal what they want from me either. Sometimes, it works out. i suppose.
One day, my big dream is to not have to work at all, to have a nice big house with a maid, a cook, separate wings, etc. Only problem is, i need to be young enough to enjoy it lol.
I better hurry up. LATER.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Night ramblings and such...

The Latte Mommy: Night ramblings and such...: Well this day felt like a waste. I thought id sleep after i dropped the kids off at bus stop so i came home and got on the couch with my bla...

Night ramblings and such...

Well this day felt like a waste. I thought id sleep after i dropped the kids off at bus stop so i came home and got on the couch with my blanket and layed there lol. I couldnt sleep! I tried and tossed and turned and i still couldnt sleep. My body was trying to sleep b/c i kept waking myself up by talking out loud!! I do that all the time, talk in my sleep. BUt i was waking up saying parts of sentences and moving my hands and then realizing i wasnt talking to anyone and faded out again. So i guess i was in some kind of sleep mode. HAHHA . So i was up and down and then fell asleep for a little late afternoon. Now im up again!
So i got some stuff done, still have alot to do. Unload dishwasher, wash, bills, etc. I have to stay up tomorrow am for a doctors appt at 10. Plus since i work sat am i want to be able to nap tomorrow later or go to bed early. YEAH RIGHT!! Sounded good
Keep getting these news alerts on some act of "terrorism" thats planned to happen on 9/11. There was a press conference but i missed it. I hate this shit. Not like i think my suburb in Pa is in trouble but you just NEVER know what could happen . I'll be working on sunday 9/11. I wont be with the boys until that night. Probably better that way. Keep my mind busy. Its not like i really worry much but i feel like id be stupid not to think about it.
Ok i took a small break, did some work. Eww i saw a cricket. It is so freakin humid and gross out. I hate hate hate this time of year. Bring me oct/nov/dec. Those are my fav's. orange leaves, smell of crispness in the air, mums, pumpkins, and the end of all the nasty little creatures. I live in a pretty wooded area and see Deer allll  the time. They are pretty. I love bunnies and deer etc but not little bugs and icky spiders and stuff. And my dumb cats dont even do anything, they make me get the bugs. So i got the vacuum out and sucked the cricket up!! Thats the only way i can deal with bugs lol. Im an ICU nurse and can deal with allll kinds of stuff -= but not crickets haha.
Oh well, ttyl.
HUGS

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Ass backwards

The Latte Mommy: Ass backwards: Boys had their first day of school, it was bittersweet. Im excited for them and i think this year will really be different. Its got to be be...

Ass backwards

Boys had their first day of school, it was bittersweet. Im excited for them and i think this year will really be different. Its got to be better than last year. Besides being the first couple of months after Mike died, a lot of other shit seemed to be going on. It , by far, was one of the worst years of my life, and i think theirs too. I feel guilty about that. But like i said, i think this year will be great. They are both in the same school!! Seem to be getting along pretty good right now too, like brothers lol.  Hopefully, since starting the ADD meds, my one son  wont have such a hard year, and i wont want to jump off a bridge when its homework time!!!
My sleep hasnt gotten any better. Last night i fell asleep around 2am and then i woke up at 430ish. I was wide awake and stayed up , got everything ready for school and got them to the bus on time. I came home and fell asleep around 930a and pretty much napped the day away. So now im awake at night AGAIN. I dont know if its even worth it to try and fix this, im trying to just accept it and go with the flow. No sense in having anxiety about it. I mean i havent gotten sick at all, ya know b/c my when your sleep is messed up, your resistance is down and you can get sick. Nope feel good! And i hate forcing myself to lie there , so i sleep when im tired. I obsess, haha
You know something that pisses me off, Ive been trying to sell these lottery tix for a fundraiser. Its for my friend who has cancer, there is a beef and beer this weekend and we were selling lottery tix for $20 each. And you could win, 10,000.  Thats a great prize, and $20 isnt that bad. So i brought them to work , well it was like i was trying to get you to give me their first born. My god, i didnt realize people were so cheap, or maybe im just too generous. Im sorry but esp for cancer, in a young person, 20 freakin dollars and when i would ask, people would just turn their heads, like they didnt hear me, some even just said no. I mean the people i work with have money, trust me, they have an extra 20 lying around for a charity. I was really disappointed in how it went down. Of course i made up for it by donating other great stuff and spent good time/money and even bought 2 lottery tix myself. You cant win if you dont play lol. I wont fault myself for being too generous either. Karma is real. And when i give, i feel good. Like when i shop i feel good, when i give someone something and they love it or they wanted it, it makes me feel so good. Thats a good old fashion high. LOL. I wish i had more money to give. So, since its nighttime i guess that means its time for me to start cleaning, showering, email, etc. Im ass backwards.
HUGS

Monday, September 5, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Just another Day!

The Latte Mommy: Just another Day!: AHHH im drinking a nice big caramel frappachinno with 2 extra shots, from Starbucks. Picked it up on the way home from food shopping and fro...

Just another Day!

AHHH im drinking a nice big caramel frappachinno with 2 extra shots, from Starbucks. Picked it up on the way home from food shopping and from doing some last minute school shopping, which by the way i didnt finish lol- i have one more day shhh. I couldnt finish, the boys were driving me crazy, laughing and being loud and running around Target lol. I was trying to concentrate on my list and id had enough- so i decided we were finished and id get anything else tomorrow. We left and i couldnt help but stopping at Starbucks. It is on my way home from everywhere hahah. All the employees know me and my "regular" drink , i love it there. It feels like home.  So now i put away most of the stuff, had to take a break and watch some Basketball Wives LA and enjoy my drink. I've got all my shows lined up tonight. I know, nice life lol, Hey its what i enjoy.
So, im multitasking, which isnt all that good for you ive read but hey its what i do. Im making pasta, cleaning up, picking up, organizing, watching tv, typing and drinking! Now Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere is on, one of my favorites!! Any real housewives is on that note.  So this is a busy week. Kids and school. I've got to reschedule some appointments that i skipped out on last month, etc etc. Gotta keep it going.
Boy this blog writing is turning into an all night thing lol. I started it at 8 and now its almost 11p. I've been coming and going. House looks pretty good now, ive been cleaning etc the whole time. Boy im beat...  Oh well i guess i dont have that much more to say right now, i may return.

The Latte Mommy: Random post!!!

The Latte Mommy: Random post!!!: I feel like i should be typing something, but i have no idea what to type. Nothing is coming to mind, nothing is popping up, standing out lo...

Random post!!!

I feel like i should be typing something, but i have no idea what to type. Nothing is coming to mind, nothing is popping up, standing out lol. And you know nothing is on tv because im watching Teen Mom on mtv!! Im kinda bored. Only worked one day this weekend. was on call the other. So, kinda bored over here. I could/should be reading and writing for my sons school start (just diagnosed with ADD at the end of last school year) and this year im writing some rules out, since he goes to private school and they dont have to have an IEP. They will accommodate your child tho, the best they can. So ive been researching all summer and i have a list together.
Ok, about an hour has gone by ... im back. I still dont have much to say lol.  Im really getting nervous about school and re-adjusting my routine. Ive gotten to this habit for the past 9 months. Its hard.  I mean i dont have to get it right straight off, as long as i get them to school and then im awake and ready to go when they get home then its all good. I'll be fine, i'll adjust as needed. I think maybe ill have a sleep out night with the boys tomorrow night- last night they can stay up late!! Movies and popcorn in the living room and they can use their sleeping bags, and hopefully leave my couch to me!! Probably will wake to a foot in my face lol. The boys will like that, and it will be our little sendoff party for the end of summer.
Im not really tired at all! Well i had gotten alot of sleep after NOT getting alot of sleep! I wonder if i slept right, id be happier, ya know , getting into a routine and pattern and making my body healthy and happy . I dont know, its hard to find out exactly how much sleep i need. But ill tell you one thing, I can sleep! Problem is ill wake up, say 6-7 hrs later and a normal person would just get up, not me, i make myself go back to sleep and then ill sleep like another 6-7 hours. Once im asleep, im out. I certainly dont need 12-14hrs of sleep per night. There is no rhyme or reason, my routine doesnt change much day to day. I should have a stable bedtime.  AHH well ill figure it out lol
Night for now!!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Lets go dancing!!!

The Latte Mommy: Lets go dancing!!!: Feeling pretty good today! Was in the car quite a bit and I heard alot of different music- so many songs that i liked, old/new/- Some of it ...

Lets go dancing!!!

Feeling pretty good today! Was in the car quite a bit and I heard alot of different music- so many songs that i liked, old/new/- Some of it was dance music, you know, the stuff you used to listen to when you were like 16 and going to all those clubs, with your fake id lol. Well thats what i did. Went to many a dance club every weekend and now that i think of the fake id, its funny how we got away with it. I even remember the fake name i used lol. So im hearing all these songs and its bringing back memories and its a good feeling.
So i start thinking, i have always loved music, and dancing. It was a huge interest of mine and then it stopped. I cant tell you last time i went out with the girlfriends and danced. We used to go downtown alot, i guess i feel like i outgrew it but i didnt really. When so many things happen to you, life experiences, mostly rough ones- i guess i kinda lost the child in me. Now i know this was many years ago but i miss that part of me, that i laid to rest along with all the negative things ive experienced. The last 5yrs or so have brought me so many unexpected "tragedies" . I feel like i was too young to deal with all that. I've changed in so many ways, ive always been responsible for alot of things but that child like nature in me got lost. It has aged me. Then i get depressed thinking im almost 40. I know its just a number, but it sucks. I still feel way younger than that but really i barely laugh anymore, its hard to smile and not much makes me happy. I dont look forward to much and when i do, that time or event gets here and i crumble. Nah dont want to do it anymore. Why? Have i given in to what life has been throwing me. Instead of fighting it like i would have always done.
Seems i find things i need to change. work on, about myself. Im aware but not necessarily jumping in.  The worst part is that ive had too many young people, friends, family, die. Its taken a toll on me and i have the motto live now, you never know what tomorrow brings. That motto is in my head but i somehow cant seem to practice what i preach.
I really need to make some changes. This is no fun. I think i need to go out dancing!!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Latte Mommy: I need some ME- time!!!

The Latte Mommy: I need some ME- time!!!: I really need to stop feeling guilty, i dont know why i am , i really dont have a reason. I was just reading an article about how women need...

I need some ME- time!!!

I really need to stop feeling guilty, i dont know why i am , i really dont have a reason. I was just reading an article about how women need to take care of themselves first . HAHA. I do need to do that. Women these days and I have to juggle work, keeping a home, raising children and having relationships. Its alot for one person to handle and oh wait, i have to take time and take care of me first. Not so easy. But as the article says if you take care of mommy, then you have so much more to give. And i believe it to be true.  Its not as if i dont do anything for myself but i rarely ask for help, i gotta do it all(according to me) then i  get frazzled that i have so much to do, and my ADD kicks in as i try to do it all at once. Then i get pissy and its not good. I bookmarked the article- i should actually print it out and stick it on the bathroom mirror. LOL,
You know i have to get it going for school starting next week. So ill have to flip my attitude quickly. So i guess i should start doing for me and making some things in my life easier. With all that we, I , women have to juggle - its no doubt we feel guilty that someone or something isnt getting our full attention. How can i do that if my mind is spinning trying to do it all- meanwhile getting projects half done and starting a new one. Multitasking , i thought it was great but i read something once about it and its not so great, as you really cant give your all to one thing. I am proud of myself for taking care of my kids alone now, i mean i have a great job, a car, food, a great apartment, health, and im somehow managing it all pretty well i guess. I really need to stop being so hard on myself. but its all i know, ive always been hard on me. It made me who i am. And i do like who i am!!

Monday, August 29, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Need to step it up

The Latte Mommy: Need to step it up: I dont have too much to say today. Work this weekend was pretty good, Got through the "hurricane Irene" , got to work and back no problem. J...

Need to step it up

I dont have too much to say today. Work this weekend was pretty good, Got through the "hurricane Irene" , got to work and back no problem. Just lost power for a bit. Had to get ready for work Sunday morning in the dark, - that was very interesting to say the least. Many bad words came from my mouth, hey i was irritable lol.
Kids start school next week, yeah ! well in a way. Now ive got to get myself back on track. I cant sleep all day, i have to be up in the morning to get them going, i have to be there for homework , dinner, etc, bedtime. Routine, Thats what we have been missing all summer. Routine and schedule, now  it may be ok for the rest of the world but to my "ADD family" its screwing us all up. Big time. I hope it doesnt take too long for us to readjust. But it will be comforting when we do. I just have so much to do and im getting a little frazzled by the thought of it. Of course, what i have to do is way more heavier on my mind than reality - im sure. I get like this when i feel things are out of control, im not in control. I used to be much better at it, Staying in control that is, but i think ive let it get the best of me and have really given up the fight.
I have to find it in me, and its right there, to get control back. Be what i want to be. im stronger than that. Just seems in the past 5 yrs ive been beaten down by circumstances so many times, i started to lose faith in myself. Its so easy to let it happen,
On that note, im gonna scoot.
ttyl
HUGS

Friday, August 26, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Well this should be interesting...

The Latte Mommy: Well this should be interesting...: Of course, i swear every natural disaster, major noreaster, hurricaine etc happens on a weekend. THat may be great for most of you "normal 9...

Well this should be interesting...

Of course, i swear every natural disaster, major noreaster, hurricaine etc happens on a weekend. THat may be great for most of you "normal 9-5ers" but not for the weekend warriors- those of us that work in jobs that NEVER close and you cant just call out when there is a natural disaster or a state of emergency, you have to be there, smile and all ready to save the world. RN"s, ems, doctors,fire, etc. It sucks. So it really really irritates me when i see that Hurricane Irene is going to be the worst when ill be supposedly leaving work, only to have to return within the next 12 hours. BLAHHHH.
I never really worry, i gotta do what i gotta do. Its been part of my job and life for the past 15yrs. It can be exciting at times, but life threatening at others lol. I guess part of my ADD is the part that  enjoys it the most- how sick is that!  Me and my altima have made it through many a bad circumstances over the past years. It really sucks for those people at the beach who have to leave vacation early, i guess its not really interrupting my crazy life too much! Casinos are closing, public transportation is closing, bridges, highways, etc, but not MY HOSPITAL lol. Oh well, life goes on, someone has to take care of those sick people in my critical care unit, the ones that are so unaffected by Irene, the ones that just want to stay alive to even see a hurricane.
This is my job and as usual ill do it..

The Latte Mommy: This is becoming a pattern here!!

The Latte Mommy: This is becoming a pattern here!!: Not a very good pattern i may say. I am in a constant struggle within myself- over things i cant control. I start to feel good and then, so...

This is becoming a pattern here!!

Not a very good pattern i may say. I am in a constant struggle within myself- over things i cant control.  I start to feel good and then, something happens, like, i cant feel good. and i start to feel bad, i feel bad about anything and everything, but mostly its just a really bad feeling i have inside of my stomach.  Like a ball of emotion that keeps growing and growing Churning inside me. And i dont know what to do with it. I try and write, read, eat chocolate, to get my mind going elsewhere, but it keeps returning to that little fireball in my stomach.
I know that it certainly doesnt help, in fact it hurts, that i didnt even leave my house today. I need to get out of the house every day. I need to feel fresh air and see the sky. I know i could go to bed now and end the day, but i dont really want to do that either. I guess if i had something fun to do or look forward to, there alot of fun things to do but to me, nothing is fun anymore. Nothing gets me going, gets me happy, makes me smile/laugh. Ive become such a not fun person. And i know im the only one that can turn it around. And as much as i say i want to change and be happy, i dont do it.
Lets just face it, im still depressed.

HUGS

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Should we move???

The Latte Mommy: Should we move???: As if lol.. Not an option right now though the thought of it makes me both happy and sad. Happy in a way that i could start over, meet new p...

Should we move???

As if lol.. Not an option right now though the thought of it makes me both happy and sad. Happy in a way that i could start over, meet new people, make new friends, start fresh , not have everyone in my business all the time, and live a little more. Ive been here, in this area, all my life. I know everyone , everywhere, etc etc.  I could be whoever i wanted to be. But really i wish i could change things in life, i dont know that turning back the clock would work but just somehow magically change things.  Id have a big family. Lots of kids, and be close and live near my family(big family) and we would all hang out at my huge house and someone would always be home and it would be loud all the time. This is how i want my kids to grow up, its how i wanted to, its how i didnt and its how we arent. And it depresses the hell out of me.  I wanted my kids to grow up in a house where the parents didnt divorce, yet alone, one parent died.  It would be fine everyone could be in my business then b.c in this world of mine, no one would be hurting each other and talking shit and taking sides and holding grudges. Wow this is a great place isnt it.
Maybe in another life, for real, another life is waiting and that is what i have to look forward to. Because right now, sitting here in our apartment, watching tv writing this blog, i cant find a light at the end of the tunnel. Im searching and searching and waiting and looking and nothing.
Dont get me wrong, i love my kids to death, they are the only thing i have. I just dont know why ( and there has to be a reason) i was dealt this hand . May seem good to everyone else, alot better than others im sure, but why am i not finding what i want, something to fill me , thus far in my 39 years of life.
I guess maybe we wont be moving for a little while.
HUGS

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Guilty of what??

The Latte Mommy: Guilty of what??: What to say, hmm- well alots on my mind but nothing in particular - its like that! My mind has been spinning like the hamster cage, but i c...

Guilty of what??

What to say, hmm- well alots on my mind but nothing in particular - its like that!  My mind has been spinning like the hamster cage, but i cant say im upset or depressed or anything. I kinda feel numb! And thats no good either. That may be worse, i would like to be happy about something. I think its b/c my sleep has been really screwed up, and I know sleep is important in every aspect of life. Mental/emotional mindfullness included. Im getting tired of sleeping all day. I think somehow that i should be able to stay up late -well stay up, and keep going and going and then sleep. Its getting me unorganized- which is my goal. Im not writing stuff down like i do and im forgetting appts or im double booking, ugh.
Right in time for school, right! This is the time that im supposed to be supermom. Get everyone ready for school. 5th and 7th grade- its alot they need. We have a homework basket, and this year i bought new baskets and i need to put it all together, see what we need etc. Well i emptied the old one and the contents have been sitting on the floor here with the other 2 baskets Waiting, since this morning. Ive done nothing with it all day!  Its actually been driving me crazy, so i have to tackle it. 
One of the major feelings i have, i have realized lately is Guilt. I always feel guilty that im not doing enough for the kids. Guilt that im not June Cleaver , guilt that im not like every other mom out there. I think my expectations of myself are very high. And ill never meet them. I want to have high energy, get up early with the kids, be happy lol, but im a night owl, and ive never been high energy like i want to be. Im tired alot, things feel like chores, half of it is mind games im sure. I could get up but i dont. I get really mad at myself. And then i feel guilty. I read an article on guilt once. I bookmarked it im sure but the ADD girl that i am, can i find it out of the 200bookmarks i have here on my laptop? Doubt it. It was about letting go of the guilt and reading it made me feel good. Like i wasnt alone.
Well let me go look for it, and get moving on this work i have to do.
HUGS

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Not feeling too well...

The Latte Mommy: Not feeling too well...: Sick, not feeling good, tired, no energy, lethargy, pain, crappy, hmm what else? I guess those words sum it up to a degree. drinking an oj n...

Not feeling too well...

Sick, not feeling good, tired, no energy, lethargy, pain, crappy, hmm what else? I guess those words sum it up to a degree. drinking an oj now-need my vit c! Im so miserable when im sick. I try to suck it up and i think i do pretty well, i just have the energy of a slug/snail lol. Anyway, on top of it all, i dont have one of my adhd meds. I can get it filled tomorrow but i work twelve hours and my employee pharmacy is at the other hospital and only open till 12. I dont know if i could swing it or not. hmm maybe. hehe. So i dont even have my regular meds on board. double whammy.  I did clean up the house a bit. its better than it was. i need a shower but cant imagine standing in the shower and then blow drying my hair etc. That requires a lot of work esp for me cause i have really long hair.
Another funny (not) thing is that i take this medicine and its original use was for influenza but you know over the years it has acquired alot of off label uses. So i been taking it for a couple years. Never did it have any warnings on it. In fact it really has no side effects. Well i just got it refilled and wouldnt you know there was a warning sticker on it. it said "may cause blurred vision" wtf , ive had blurred vision and often and thought something was wrong with me. Granted i never went to the eye doc yet but christ, why now is there a warning on it and NEVER before. what did they just figure this out. ugh. sometimes med side effects , im not so sure they are worth the action of the med. its a hard decision to make. Like i was on an antidepressant and i thought it had stopped working. So i talked to my shrink and he tried me on a few different meds over a couple months. WELL the side effects of them all were horrible. So i decided after all that, i wanted to go back on my old one. He said ok. i guess the grass isnt always greener.  live and learn, thats what i say. But i have been a little down, tuesday was my deceased husbands birthday. He died 11 months ago. and it is really sad. Usually when i get sad about him, it lasts about a week and then i go back to my regular missing him but not so profoundly. So, thats about it in a nutshell.
Hope you all are having a better day!!!
HUGS

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Its not a good day!

The Latte Mommy: Its not a good day!: "Can i just go crawl under a rock today and be invisible? I know, not! But its just been that kind of day, the kind where nothing is really ..."

Its not a good day!

Can i just go crawl under a rock today and be invisible?  I know, not! But its just been that kind of day, the kind where nothing is really gonna make it quite right and you are going to have that pit in your stomach no matter what!  I guess it all started when i opened facebook and was reminded that today is my deceased husbands birthday, he died last July and he would have been 43 today.  I basically spent every birthday since he was 21 with him, well his 41st he was in florida with the boys and he never made it to 42. Anyway, i knew it was his birthday but just being slapped in the face with it all day made it worse. I know its just another day but ya know. My best friend is gone. I miss him so much.
So i cried a bit and the day just has seemed to drag and ive been mellow and gloomy and plain old shitty!! I saw my psychiatrist today and we talked about him and how i feel like i should be fine but im not. At least i got a good talk in today. My mood has been shifting down. i feel a little depression coming on. Im not really into cleaning and researching etc, like i have been. Sleeping a bit, but then again, im back on the Prozac and all that other shit is out of my system, so im not irritable, im just back to where i left off on the prozac, not really happy, just here! but without the irritability which is a plus. My doc put me on a new med called deplin, i think. Its high dose folate, which is supposed to make your neruotransmitters work better lol, make your anti depressant work better. I guess we will see, at least it has no ill side effects.
So, ive got a lot of shit to do this coming week and the next, school starts in 3 and i cant wait for the routine and schedule of it all to be back in place. I thrive on routine and ive had none all summer. I guess its my own fault but i think that is part of what has been going on with me these past couple months. In fact i know it is. So heres to routine, and to tomorrow- another day, just not today!
HUGS

Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Latte Mommy: I didnt really like this day!!

The Latte Mommy: I didnt really like this day!!: "Usually Fridays are tolerable but today kinda sucked. First off, i slept alot- i wasnt even that tired , just seemed easy. The boys were inv..."

I didnt really like this day!!

Usually Fridays are tolerable but today kinda sucked. First off, i slept alot- i wasnt even that tired , just seemed easy. The boys were involved in their video games etc and woke up late themselves. I missed an appointment and didnt call the doctor like i needed to. I basically swept all my responsibility under the rug as i often do.  I've got to stop that, im the only responsible , well the only parent they have. I cant mess up and fix it later. Later is too late. I feel like i barely saw them this week, well with me going away and then i had to bring them to BIL's house tonight cause i work this weekend, the usual.  I'll have to make next week a priority for them, and for me.
Got a message on the home phone from the principal of the boys school. It was that "end of summer" pre recorded message. Geez, summer flew by. I wanted it to be special, well do some fun things , we did but not nearly as much as i had planned on. We all have alot to do to get ready for school. Mostly me, the boys need to finish readings and do some math. I , on the other hand, need to go through our "homework box" . This big box of school supplies, i made it in my trials of ADD research. I bought 2 new baskets for the stuff and need to go through it and transfer, clean , throw out, etc. I have to really get my butt moving when it comes to Nicholas and his "IEP" . Its a private school so its not an iep but its similar, since his diagnosis of ADD at the end of the school year. Teachers and I are working together to help plan this year for him. This is something that is very important and i cant slack. Then i need to really keep an eye on the younger one, well i need to get him evaluated for things, but ive been slacking. I promise ill make all my calls on MONDAY.
So anyhow, i didnt do much of anything today, and of course now im awake, and trying to be as productive as one can possibly be at 1am. OHH gotta pay my car bill, thanks for reminding me!!  And then the glorious next 2 days of Hell, i mean work, sorry, slip up!! I hope its not a bad weekend, not too stressful please, i like the exciting sick people ICU stuff, but the emotional drama and family shit just stresses me out and its not a good stress. Its the kind where you just wanna shout " GET OUT" . Yeah i wish. We definately need visiting hours again. Got rid of them years ago, makes the family feel better and i told you about how important the family, not the patient, is. So they can come and go as they please all freaking day long. No privacy for any other patients nor for us the nurses. One day i know it will change back, dont know if ill be doing bedside care then but it will still be an achievement in my eyes.
OK, gonna keep on moving.
HUGS

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Back to reality!

The Latte Mommy: Back to reality!: "Back from vacation, well my short stay at the Taj Mahal, casino in AC. We had fun, we had a great big room, the grande suite- for 2 days, ve..."

Back to reality!

Back from vacation, well my short stay at the Taj Mahal, casino in AC. We had fun, we had a great big room, the grande suite- for 2 days, very discounted price! It would have been really fun to have some friends there too, maybe next time. Didnt lose too much money, played my favorite slot- wheel of fortune, i had too= and then we played penny slots , i spent a whole two hours with 5 dollars lol- felt like granny off the ac bus trip.  I didnt really feel like staying but i didnt feel like leaving. It was so overpriced it wasnt funny. My normal starbucks treat was about 1.15 more in ac than here. Wow. crazy. but at least they had a starbucks in the casino!!
So, now its back to reality, back to the daily grind. Wash, wash and more wash, unpacking, etc. I mean i just picked the boys up from my BIL's and now i have to drop them off there tomorrow night for work . Rewash the clothes they just brought home. Should have left them there- The clothes i mean!  I have to take my son to therapy tomorrow, and get his meds refilled, before the Strattera leaves his system entirely (BAD MOMMY) .
So i started my wash, the boys wash, and i just started straightening up, may take awhile tho.
One thing i will say is that im starting with this strange obsession/compulsion. Well something like that. I've always been a little disorganized, alot of papers, folders, lists etc. in my area. But i have never been dirty, in fact im quite the opposite, Im always cleaning. Now when i say cleaning, i dont mean straightening up, i mean, vaccuming, down on my hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor, or scrubbing the toilets, i mean real hard work. But anyway, ive become so that im really skeeved by alot of other places, besides my house. Not my moms house or not work, but just different places that never bothered me before. Why all of a sudden am i really bothered by certain things. Great, another thing to add to the list of my neurosis. lol
Hugs.xoxo

Monday, August 8, 2011

The Latte Mommy: I hate bad moods!!

The Latte Mommy: I hate bad moods!!: "I really hate being in a bad mood. The thing is, this seems to be common since i stopped, changed, restarted my medication regimen. Im gett..."

I hate bad moods!!

I really hate being in a bad mood. The thing is, this seems to be common since i stopped, changed, restarted my medication regimen.  Im getting really tired of it tho. How long is this gonna take? Its this nagging nasty irritable feeling i have. Little things get on my nerves, like they didnt before! I have no patience, this isnt me!
One thing that is really getting on my last nerve is work. We have so many new rules, new practices, new papers every freakin day. Its like you have to turn something new in and attend all these freakin meetings every week. Well i only work weekends, its a weekend program, and its for a reason. Christ i cant do 100 things at once. Im tired of healthcare. All its become about is bowing down to the patinet and their family. Its not important that you are a damn good nurse, know your shit inside and out, help out the ones that dont know what the hell they are doing, but hey if you dont get that drink of water fast enough, even when your other patient is near death, then you are on the shit list. Its so fucked up! That pillow better be fluffed, and your maid like duties fulfilled, or you are  getting called in. You know why, b/c the stupid patient satisfaction survey is what pays the hospital. How screwed up is that. It has become about letting pts families dictate their care. If they think they need something , hey its done! Im sick of kissing ass, explaining things to them that they will NEVER in a million years understand, look let me do my job, dont they get, the more they bug me, the less ill be going in that room to see their loved one. Sorry but thats what its come to. They think the sqeaky wheel gets the grease but really they get the shit end of it. HAHAH. joke is on them.  15 yrs and i feel burnt out. maybe its working in the ICU , maybe its me, maybe its life, but emotionally im fried. If i could just go in, do my job uninterrupted, id be fine. If i wanted a job where i had to deal with customer satisfaction , id choose salesperson, id like my patient satisfaction equal to , the patient lives .
Anyway, i have to go write a nasty letter to a stupid lawyer who screwed me over. haha.

Friday, August 5, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Aliens invading my body??

The Latte Mommy: Aliens invading my body??: "even tho i woke up late, well around 1pm- well to my defense i didnt fall asleep until 530am- i got alot accomplished again today!! What is ..."

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Aliens invading my body??

even tho i woke up late, well around 1pm- well to my defense i didnt fall asleep until 530am- i got alot accomplished again today!! What is going on? Did aliens invade my body? if so,, i like it. I had a doctors appt, which i kept and got there on time! then i had to go to the pharmacy , got my sons meds refilled- another point for me, we wont run out of medicine! Then i went to the bank and did some business i was over due on- and deposited some checks- 2 points for me!  Got home, vacuumed,did some random things,
We had plans to go bowling with my gf, her kids and mine- well i actually went, instead of offering an excuse as i do often, we had fun! And now my gfs daughter ( our kids are like cousins) is sleeping over! Ok that is ALOT of accomplishments for me in one day.
I started off in a pretty good mood, i mean i got snappy a few times but nothing like i have for the past 1 1/2 months. All that evil medicine is out of my body! And i restarted my Prozac- yeah for that- some normalcy should be returning shortly. I dont know exactly what happened but im feeling a lot better in the past week, i really think its because i had all that different meds in my system and the side effects were horrible- Now that im free of it all, i feel pretty good and im sure that the increase in my ADD meds is really working. Maybe , just maybe, im getting it right. I mean i actually have been reading and note taking on a few subjects i need to be looking at. My attention span hasnt been that long in awhile. Hopefully this will all cross over into the weekend and work. My day goes so much easier and faster when im on the ball. Otherwise im walking in circles trying to do 5 things at once, completing none of them. i now have faith.
Tomorrow is my sons 13th birthday. I cant believe he is getting so old. Its exciting he will be a teenager but sad in the same respect. I remember when he was just a baby, a toddler, he was so smart and cute. Makes me really sad that his dad isnt here for this. I wish God didnt take him from us when he did. He would be so proud and feel the same as me, "our baby is growing up!"
One thing that is pissing me off is something i found out from my son earlier tonight. His spanish teacher is known to be a lets say " not very nice person" , mean to the kids, snappy, etc. Now granted, my son had alot of trouble in school  last year, well with his dad dying a month before school started, he was starting a new school, middle school at that, and he wasnt diagnosed yet but had ADD. But i found out his teacher told him he had " a waste of a brain" !!!! Im really pissed. Now i dont know everything b/c sometimes kids omit things but even the slightest version of this pisses me off. Now, we suspected he had ADD, now knowing he does, i almost feel like she was making fun of someone with a disability. This doesnt sit well with me. Im gonna see how to address this!
Ok gonna go do some more stuff- look at me go!! hahah

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Latte Mommy: organiziation is working!!

The Latte Mommy: organiziation is working!!: "today has been good, although i got a late start, 1pm, haha. well granted i didnt fall asleep unitl like 4/5 am. But i was awakened by my ph..."

organiziation is working!!

today has been good, although i got a late start, 1pm, haha. well granted i didnt fall asleep unitl like 4/5 am. But i was awakened by my phone, i really never hear it when im sleeping but i got lucky. It was my shrink returning my call. All these new meds ive been trying in attempt to elevate my mood are not cutting it. All they do is give me nasty side effects. So i called him to tell him i cant take it anymore and i want to try my prozac again. I didnt think it was working but now i think it did more than i thought. It evened me out. Ive been very irritable, short tempered and grouchy lately. And i havent felt like that in forever. So he is reordering it. YEAHHH . Ahh to feel somewhat normal again, i cant wait.
Anyway after i woke, got my good news, and got my coffee, i started organizing the crap in my "area" of the living room. Got alot accomplished as far as organizing. Things are back in place. I feel good. Right now, im actually a little bored, that is rare. But, we are going out to dinner soon with the family to celebrate my sons 13th birthday!! Time flies. So that will occupy some time. I think i just get lonely as i dont really have alot ( barely any) girlfriends that i talk with everyday , that i confide in, laugh with, trust. Thats sad, but i dont know. I have alot of "friends" aquaintances , i get along with everyone. Im kind, helpful, funny, etc but keeping close friends is just difficult for me. Maybe i talk to much. i wish i knew. I could learn and change but i dont. I just keep trying. Anyway im lonely.
what i did decide is that im going to try and exercise. Its been awhile, but i used to do it all the time and i know it works wonders for the mood. I wanna try zumba. I cant just walk on a treadmill , etc. Its too boring for my ADD mind. I think at least zumba will keep me moving and not bored. So maybe ill look into joining the Y. Now thats something positive for the whole family!!!
TTYL HUGS
T.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Latte Mommy: I hate those nights!!!!

The Latte Mommy: I hate those nights!!!!: "I hate those nights, you know the ones where you are ready to sleep, lying down, watching tv, waiting to drift off, only to wake up an hour ..."

I hate those nights!!!!

I hate those nights, you know the ones where you are ready to sleep, lying down, watching tv, waiting to drift off, only to wake up an hour later tossing and turning, with these legs that wont keep still. That uneasy restless feeling in your calves- Its called RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME and it SUCKS. I experience it every now and then and i take whatever i can to fall asleep, nothing works, i could take 5 valium, muscle relaxers, benedryl- all together lol,well i didnt take that combo last night but something similar - and it wont work. Sure ill drift off for about an hour if that, then im up, miserable.
Now im one for staying up all night, not a problem, but see now ive drugged myself to try and sleep past these legs and im just not feeling like opening my eyes and doing anything. Im tired but my legs arent. So finally im up 615 am and i think i slept two hours, in intervals lol. I'll be ok today but its just not fair.
Hopefully ill be cheerful today and not miserable b/c i didnt sleep. I figure ill go to starbucks early and start my day on a good frappucchino note lol.
Talk to ya later.

Monday, August 1, 2011

The Latte Mommy: The Ultimate Betrayal

The Latte Mommy: The Ultimate Betrayal: "I feel so stupid, once again ive been betrayed and i feel like i led to horse to water. A very close family member has done this before but ..."

The Ultimate Betrayal

I feel so stupid, once again ive been betrayed and i feel like i led to horse to water. A very close family member has done this before but ive forgiven and started to trust again, i mean i give this person whatever they ask for basically. So why steal it? I guess its because they wanted it and it was easier to take it while i was sleeping, i mean my pocketbook was right next to me as i slept. It was so easy, easier than asking and getting a sermon about it, right? sure but now the trust is totally destroyed, im so hurt, besides angry. This has left me now short of what i need, im the one who is really suffering. and what can i do, cant get it back, its gone. Was i really that stupid to leave things out in the open like that, i dont think so, but i guess i should have known better. I mean, if you cant trust family, who can you trust. I did confront this person and got a halfway admittance. Who cares its done. Im just pissed that im the one suffering now, i dont have what I NEED. I feel some hate,, but i dont want to hate, im trying not to.
Ive just had so many shitty things go on in the past year, and so many people betray me, people that were supposed to love and take care of me. Am i that easy of a target. I dont know how to act different than i do. Im just so tired of it all, tired of trying, trusting, giving, helping, etc.No more. i have such a headache right now. Thanks for hearing me vent.!
HUGS