The "b@tch is back" lol

Im back, not like i really went anywhere, but kind of a break, to look things over, people, places , things, ya know lol. So i figured alot out, some good some bad, but one thing is that im not gonna be so complacent anymore,ever since Mike died, and while he was sick i guess i kinda saw a new view of the world, like, nothing is really that important anymore, i mean after watching your best friend, father of your kids and husband suffer for 10 months just to die, everything else seemed so,.. so not important. You know pick your battles type thing,  which was true, to a degree.
I just think the complacency  made me slack. I used to be fiery, stand up for a cause, certainLy stand up for myself and not get walked all over. Ive seen that others may have mistaken  this change of heart in me  for weakness, but i think they just forgot who i was! 
In order to keep myself and my boys and my livelihood in a positive way, i guess i gotta really start acting like you know " the bitch i am" . Cause i am not weak, stupid, ignorant (in the right term), etc. im on my game, I never lost it, just put it to sleep for a little, but the fire has been ignited multiple times and i see this is not what im used to nor what i tolerate. Luv ya   
HUGS xoxox
T.

Where did "I"go?

Im wondering why my ADHD sometimes get out of control, when my meds havent changed and i thought i was on the right  path. I seem to get into a funk that lasts a few days, i dont want to touch anything. Then comes the next days where i freak out b/c nothing is in the right place, wash isnt put away, piles of mail are sitting , so i go full force and try to fix it all, irritated all the while but pleased when i finish. So why cant i stay like that all the time, or at least 90%. Life seems to be throwing some curve balls at me but im not one to hide from that, i keep on, just go go go. Lately ive been trying to figure out what it is that im missing, i think i just devote so much of my thinking to my kids or my home or my job that i lost the woman i was. I have lost interest in alot of things i used to do. Finding happiness has become very hard and im searching high and low, but when i have a set back as above, and am inactive lol, for a few days, i lose sight of the goal and the prize. You cant really live when its half a week! I have been sad alot lately, tears now and then, which i hate to admit. Feels weak. I dont know, seems time has betrayed me, its a concept i cant put in more words than that, its a feeling i just know. I really miss Mike, more than anyone can imagine, and bc i dont talk about it much or advertise it, i dont think anyone really knows the depths of my sorrow, my soul was ripped in half and taken away. I;ll never get that back . I cant wallow in it, but its an unimaginable pain that i bear everyday, and looking at my children makes me both happy and sad. i see mike in them more every day. Bittersweet to say the least. Im going to try and find me again, i dont see another choice!

why, why and why??

There are so many things in life that i will just never understand, like how the washer and dryer can actually eat your socks and underwear, how when making an appt, 10am really means you have to be there at 930a or its cancelled, how so many people go on maury and steve wilkos talk shows and deny they molested or cheated, when they know they are gonna fail that lie detector test (my favorite is the trick in the green room!) for all you hard core maury fans! How is it that you can have a career in which you do so good, all good for years, yet one made up or embellished comment can ruin you in a day, how someone can say they love you and then leave you, how people can be so selfish and not use please and thankyou. I wonder why some people (the good ones) die horrible deaths and the bad people slide by. I really dont understand how people are your "friends" yet drop you on a dime, how coffee can make you crazy and me sleep. Why do some people get cancer and some dont. Why is there so much grief in life? why are we measured by our wealth?, why do basketball players make millions but paying overtime to a single mom nurse staying with her pt a little longer is a crime.Why some people lie ? HOw can someone have more than one personality in their bodies/minds. why do some people get to have out of body experiences and see the light, how can i have all this energy and you cant get off the couch. Why depression lasts so long. Is there more to life than this? is this it? is this all i should be doing?

Onward and Upward

Guess ill post since im on a roll lately. I got some money, and finally went food shopping. Feels good to have food and napkins lol. And something to drink besides water and milk. I brought my calculator and chris was in charge of keeping track of our spending. We did good i thought. I wanted to buy a million other things but i didnt . i held back and put them on a list. I didnt get my usual "high" from shopping tho. I felt good but not as good, bc i didnt get to buy anything for myself ,well i bought 2 pens, that was nice. lol  The $ situation will get better, it just a while to come back after you 've totally screwed up your budgeting.  
So i think im gonna begin studying for the CCRN. an advanced test for critical care nurses. Its a hard test ive heard, i have been wanting to do this for a long time. I have a study guide.and ive worked in critical care for 15yrs so i should be ok. Ive gotta do something , i feel very stagnet right now. I dont feel like i have much of a purpose right now. I mean, besides raising my children, which is very important, ive got nothing going on. And i think in order to be a good parent and be happy i have to keep myself fulfilled.  its not easy and turning 40 was a bummer and again made me look at my life. I keep thinking this cant be all there is. What is it all for.I lost my husband, my best friend, almost coming up on 2 yrs ago. Time flies, but what have i accomplished in that time- not much at all. ive just managed to survive. I thought by now, id be somewhere else. I need to push myself if i want results tho. I can be so much more than i am right now. I have to be. I cant continue to live like this. So onward and upward. xoxo

Theres a hurricaine forecasted!

what else can go wrong? When it rains it pours, hmm what other little sayings are there for "Im screwed , again"  It just makes me want to go crawl under a rock. Its my own fault, i f'd it up, big time. You know when your friends are like, "im so broke, i have no money" and you know they are exaggerating, and they are fine, well, im not one of those people. I am broke. not a dime. Lets just say, i paid the rent on Friday for $xy and the check didn't clear yet. I checked my online acct today, now i knew i didn't have alot of money but i just checked it and it has $xy- xyz. Get it? Yeah right, im in the negative, in the red ($xyz).. So, if you can add, subtract, blah blah, you'll now realize that the rent check wont clear, well it will clear, but i will also pay a nice $105.oo overdraft fee to my f'd up bank. Yeah and then i have nothing left and i just got paid Friday, not to be paid again for 2 weeks. Hmm , ok. now what, what ingenious idea can i come up with this time. I already did this last pay, and its worse before it gets better. Like i said, my fault. i forgot to put my vacation time in when i was off, and my manager oh so friendly like, didn't care to notice that i was getting paid for 8 of the 48hours per pay that i work. What does she think im Trump and don't need to be paid. Its not her job but really, thanks! 

So as i sit here and cry (sorry, but i cant help it)  Then of course i go into to the "why me, why cant i be taken care of? Why wasn't i taken care of when i was left alone to raise 2 boys alone, did i say alone?  Was i really dismissed, , turned away, untrusted  or overlooked that easily. It would seem i would be a priority being im alone with the boys. im so tired of trying, of fighting , of figuring out all of life's problems.  I just want to be happy, or content, something other than i am, but like i said, when it rains it pours and its a hurricane out there. I just need some shelter, or even an umbrella.

Keep going, on my own!

I will say one thing about nursing,as a profession it totally gives you a real live view of life. Ive seen over the last 16 yrs ive been a nurse so many many things. Too many. Ive taken care of the sickest people and seen how quickly things can change , in the blink of an eye. So many people dont know what to expect , families, and to tell you the truth, no one knows until you have to do it. Thats why its so great when we are appreciated for our work, both physically and emotionally. The burden some of us carry, when we leave our work, is alot to handle. Ive learned to keep it at work, i have to. Its very hard but as long as you can keep it seperate, to a degree, its doable. 
anyway on the home front, its the same, i still feel very overwhelmed with all life has to give me. Its so hard being just me, in charge of everything, everyone. People dont realize it, how overwhelming it can be. Thats why its nice to stick together. ive recently met a few good people, who know, like me that its great to have good friends stay close, in good and bad times. In the short time of meeting them, they have proven to be real friends, knowing when im down, a short talk on the phone, or a meet for coffee is all , it makes the world of difference. Having someone to just vent to, and listen to is a good feeling. We just help each other, since we are going through similar things in life.
I have lots to do, bills to pay, appointments to make,= as usual. life goes on....
HUGS

Just another day!

Well its been forever since ive blogged, i guess i got lazy with it, didnt have too much good news to write and didnt want to be a downer. Not too much is new. Same old shit, different day. Im still trying to cope with this ADD, seems to get worse whenever it wants. As far as organization etc. I have bought so many organizational tools its out of control. Impulsive shopping to say the least. I certainly dont need it all, and then i go and give stuff away to people, but they dont mind!! Ive been slacking on my promptness with getting up and getting the kids to the bus on time. Im setting that straight from today on, thats so important. Spring break is next week so i have a break then anyhow.
As far as my social life goes, what social life? lol. Whatever i had of one is gone. No one to share alot of stuff in my life with, gfs at least. Oh well what am i gonna do, just deal, i been doing that at least. i think thats why i been down tho. Boredom. And when money is tight, which it has been b/c my pay was screwed up( my fault) b/c i forgot to put in for days i took off, didnt use any vac time bc i forgot so i didnt get paid DUH. So no shopping and just stress and worry for the past 2 weeks. I hate feeling so stressed with money. Thats when i feel the most alone, when i realize its just me, im the only one responsible for our life and our well being.
So many appts to make, things to follow up on. another stupid parking ticket- in my own development. Bc there isnt enough parking we have to park in an illegal spot sometimes and now they have the nerve that the admin calls the police to come ticket us. What bullshit. 70 dollars, and if i dont pay in 5 days it becomes 130, and you know i cant make it be done in 5 days, not me lol. Shopping is just a short term happiness but i love it. Calls to make, and i hate talking on phone. if i can do it online, its done. talking just sucks. So hopefully ill have more fun things to discuss. ill try.
HUGS xoxo

I guess its time to face it all !

Well, this year is almost over. THANK GOD. I dont think it was one of the best. I remember last year i was so ready for the new year. I kept believing that all the misery and sadness of mike dying would disappear and the boys and I would lead a normal, fun, new year where we were all productive and our problems would lessen. WRONG!!! . I kept saying, i cant wait for the new year, fresh start. NOPE. Just a day in the life. Now a year later, i dont know how i feel.
I am anticipating a great New year again. 2012. Its time we get it together. We've spent long enough in this mode. I've got to get it together and start being what i need to be. Doing what i need to do- when i need to do it. Im strong, i can do it. Whenever ive been down id always say, im a strong independent woman and i can do anything. Well its true. Ive just got in this hole and ive stayed there too long. Ive been trying to climb out but... now i guess i have no excuses lol. There are so many things i want to do, fix, work on, etc. If i dont do it , i never will, and i will continue to feel the guilt that i do. And its not worth it! 
Guilt is one of those horrible feelings that really dont do much for anyone. Its just bad no matter what. I need to release it all and realize i am doing my best, b/c i am. I am only one person, b/c i am. I can change alot of things but there are things i cant change, no matter how hard i wish i could. Wish me luck!
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012  

Out with the old and in with the new

Well its been a long time since i last blogged. Ive been so out of the loop with it. It definitely makes me feel better but sometimes i just get sick of complaining. If i dont do it here , i tend to keep it inside, which is not a good thing for me! Seems like not much has changed. So many things to do and so little time. Procrastination overwhelms me. Hyper focusing is strong. I'll sit here on my laptop and research whatever it is im interested in that day, to its death. I have so many- a ridiculous number of bookmarks and saved pages and documents. So many that i couldnt pull up something on the fly. I look through them sometimes and try to delete them , thats another thing. I wouldnt call myself a hoarder but i hold on to things way too long. Then i think, hmmm im being treated for my ADHD, ive done therapy, im on meds, i read read read, do charts, buy planners, you name it. Yet im still this way. Am i ever going to change. Its so time consuming to try and multitask , well i dont try, it just happens, to the end result of 3 projects sitting there done half assed, or just half done. Im tired of it, but it seems like its only getting worse.
Then i think, how am i supposed to help my child with ADHD if i cant help myself. not the best role model. It has to be more of a do as i say, not what i do~!  Feeling like a hamster in a cage, getting no where fast.  
Christmas came and went. Uneventful. Its my fav holiday, but i dont know what happened this year. Every year i have the Christmas carols on the radio, from Thanksgiving on lol. I annoy the hell out of everyone, but i love it. I love decorating, love my tree. wrapping, shopping, the crisp air, lights, etc. But this year i did none of it. No Christmas music on, no tree, no happy excited feeling. Shoot i still have presents to wrap, for people i know i wont see for another week! I think this has been the most depressing xmas ever. Its the second year without Mike, and i guess the first one was only 5 months after he died, and we were still in a blur. This year it was so real and in your face. Subconsciously i think it affected me more than i knew. 
So where do i go from here? I have no clue. Im in a pretty dark place. I mean im ok but im not. Im getting by and doing what needs to be done. But i need to go the extra mile on alot of things in my life right now . Shall i say - New Years Resolutions lol. worth a shot!
Hugs T.

Sleep, no more?

ill tell ya what, im really getting tired of being up at night. I am trying hard to  turn it around, but its hard, esp since this is going on 10 months or so. Hard habit to break. It seems like it would be easy to do , switch it back, but my body is simply awake at night now. Like daytime. I've always been a night owl, until i had kids years ago, and before that nursing school, had to get up really early. Now i get the kids to school and asleep i go, until they come home. Its strange, like im doing nightshift in nursing, only prob with that is that nightshift i wouldnt get home until like 8 so i wouldnt be able to get them off to school which i enjoy doing.  I think with sleeping at night, id have to try really hard and then id be scared i wouldnt get up in the morning for the kids. I mean i go to work everyweekend 7a-7p so that i can do , I dont know, Its not that i dont feel good, i feel fine but im alseep when the rest of the world is awake, am i trying to hide from the world, is this my little recluse ive created that i enjoy not interacting with the world, have i become that social phobic , i mean i work fine but maybe i really want it this way. Funny what your mind can do, subconciously.

Feeling abandoned and grouchy!!

Im getting really tired of feeling this way. I guess its resorting back to the time in my life where i often felt abandoned. Or maybe its bc im in a foul mood. Im very irritable and everyone and everything is getting on my nerves. I dont know if its just me or what. I cant tolerate much these days. Too much noise, never alone to just sit or do anything. In charge of everything, responsible for everything and im just tired of it. Im thinking i need to pick up extra time at work for money- xmas, yet someone else is just sitting here on there azz playing video games. wtf.  
So anyway abandoned yes, like if i make friends, or start a friendship or even an old one. If that person is there like alot, every day etc to talk to  - it feels good. i feel appreciated, needed, wanted, special. RIGHT. So when that person disappears for a couple days, weeks etc i take it personally. I know that they dont owe me anything, i may not even know them well, but to me its like they left me b/c they didnt like me enough. I said or i did something wrong. I wasnt important enough. To feel like a real friend i want to be there everyday in some way. I've always wanted a best friend. Havent had one in a long time. Maybe bc im too needy or i expect too much. But then i wonder, why arent there other people out there that feel like me, and if there are, why havent i come across them yet? 
Ive got so much to do. SOOO much, i often feel overwhelmed, it feels like too much for me. But i dont ask for much help. I dont want to ask for it, it should be there for me. But i guess  since i always do it all, ill always be expected to keep doing it all. and i dont feel appreciated by anyone. 
Im very sad. and IRRITABLE. \
Hope this passes soon.
Hugs T.

Real friends? is there really

You know what really bothers me, when you have a friend, who would prefer to tell Facebook rather than you about whatever is new in their life. I mean i understand social networking and the fun of it all. You could tell both ya know. I just wish i had someone as my friend that thought "i cant wait to tell "T" rather than, "oh i gotta post this on facebook!"
Maybe its me, maybe it just goes back to the beliefs i have, i try and get interested and involved in my friends lives, i wanna be there for them, so i believe they will be there for me. Karma thing. But it just seems no one is receptive anymore. Maybe i dont do it right! Maybe they dont know or care to know. I have no idea. Its lonely without friends, i mean the real ones too. Shoot i have a million "friends" acquaintances, etc. I mean the real deal. So hard to find, and keep happy. Maybe ill figure it out one day, maybe not. 
T.

Ramblings...late night...

Nothing more to do than blog lol. Its late and im awake, sure i am, you would be too if you slept all day. I dont mind tooo  much but id like to go shopping, maybe to Target, but its closed. Everywhere i want to go is closed. Oh well, only 6 more hours till morning. Actually i need to make a latte, i havent had one all day, im not sure if thats why i feel like i keep having these brain "zaps" like electrical shocks in my head, ive had them before, but that was when i discontinued Effexor, med for depression- that didnt work by the way. anyway, yes latte, brb.
ok, im back. with my latte. ah too hot to drink. Im really bored right now. I did a little cleaning and i cleaned alot yesterday. So it looks pretty good in here. I dont know what else to do right now. I rarely get like this. oh well. Maybe ill watch some greys anatomy. , hold on Ok, watching season 3 still on greys anatomy. I watch it on Hulu Plus
Anyway, im having a hard time tonight thinking of Mike, just alot of things running through my mind. I havent cried in a bit, but i am tonight. Tears just come. I cant help it. I dont want to cry cause i hate it. but i guess its healthy, right? I just wish it never happened and i wish Mike was here to help raise the boys. My wish wont come true in reality tho so i gotta face it . I'll be fine, just getting it out every now and then helps.Then tomorrow comes and i go on...
Hugs T.

Buying pretty things.

Wow, i havent written here in awhile. I havent felt up to par. I've just about been getting by. I mean, its all good and im fine. Ive just been blah and even tho it would probably benefit me to write, i havent.  Ive been a homebody, havent gone out unless it was necessary. Boys got their flu shots, playdates went on. Doctors got seen, but it was a huge effort. Ive definitely gotten really behind on the cleaning, i mean its not Dirty but unkempt.  I think when your house is dirty, and i mean dirty smelly, it has to reflect on your outward appearance. Like i make sure i look presentable, well pretty darn good, every day that im going out or seeing people. Now i could have sweats on and still look good. I'd rather have on something nicer, b/c i do feel that what you wear and how you look on the outside helps you feel better on the inside and it shows.  Im getting irritated tho with my makeup. I used to wear Chanel and i had the whole gamete. It cost me and arm and a leg but i never got so many complements on my makeup. Then when it wore out, i never replaced it all. So i have this brand , that brand, etc. Then i pick up makeup i like at the store, online, etc. But its never been the same, and now that im getting older, its more important . Im going to replenish my Chanel makeup and thats that. It will make me feel better, hell, i never do anything for myself anyhow. Live!! Now on to cleaning lol.

Mood journal HMMM

Havent posted in awhile, I guess i havent felt it. I had some great ideas for posts last week, but i never went through with them. I will, when im in an enthusiastic writing mood! Hopefully soon. I just hate slipping into this mode. Blah, Blah. I should really chart this , moods and see when , if, i am ever feeling good. Doesnt feel like it happens much at all. Tonight i have that stupid feeling in my stomach, the pit, the one that feels so wrong. I hate it. And its really hard to get rid of. Its always been there, my whole life, it just comes and goes, hints that things just arent right. Nervous energy, but blah, i did some cleaning and laundry, but nothing is helping me change this feeling. UGH. Maybe ill write later if it goes away., or if it doesnt!!!

What if i really did win???

Well, im sitting here, and ive been looking at the pile of mail- alot of junk- that has accumulated over there. Its been there a few days, and ive been neglecting it. Why? who knows, this is the way i screw things up. I think nothing important is there, and then when i open it , im like "Damn, i missed that " or something like that. I've just been in a mood lately. Cant shake it. Im sure it will go away but im WAITING. Im trying, pretty hard, to push, but i can only push so far. I push to get the necessary things done. Anything extra is just beyond approach right now.
Although it is scary, knowing that ive felt pretty down for so long- is this just it? Maybe it doesnt get better and i have to learn to do this. I think id feel better if i just buckled up and did things i need to do instead of procrastinating like i do. It just makes me feel guilty and things dont get done in time. Even my latte isnt helping!!
Ya know i went out there, i tried all these different medications with my psychiatrist , and nothing worked or side effects were too harsh, I know a medicine cant make you happy but at least id like to say it would help my moods stay stable instead of so up and down. When im up, its great and i make plans etc that i dont follow through on because i go down so fast. Its ridiculous, Its disheartening, its stupid, its boring, its unnecessary, and it SUCKS.
I;ll keep on trying tho. Maybe there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Who knows, i may just be the winner of Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes lol. I might!

Not much to say

wow, i havent written in a long time. I guess i havent had much good to say. Actually every time i started to write, something would happen and i would lose it or just close my laptop all pissy, for one reason or another. Nothing great or exciting has happened, you havent missed much. Im on one of my work weekend insomnia episodes. Im used to it. Ill be tired tomorrow, put my head down at lunch, get more energy before i leave work till late tomorrow nite, then pass out, have to wake up to get kids off to school monday at 7a and then back to sleep till whenever. Not the best start to my week huh. I know, i know, i gotta get a handle on it. I will. I've been watching Greys anatomy, from the very beginning episode in 2005 . Im wondering why i never watched this before because I LOVE IT. Watching it on hulu - I've cried about 5x already. Good and bad / happy and sad cries.
Watching Derek and Meredith be in love made me crave that beginning of the relationship phase. With the butterflies in your stomach and your head in the clouds. Ahh the good old days. I swear that is one of the best feelings in the world. But , i digress.
My hands are just tired right now. so are my eyes. not my brain tho. or my mouth lol. I hate when my eyes are. Cant do much about it. YOu know i havent even really decorated for halloween much. I always do. I will. ok im going. ttys.
Hugs
T.

Acquaintances arent that bad, right??

I try to be a good friend, i really do care when people confide in me ,when they tell me about their joys and sorrows, i can keep a secret, i;ll never deny help to anyone and i love to help out-be needed- make it better. It makes me feel good to know im making a difference,etc. Probably why im a nurse. So why is it that i come across as selfish and that its all about me? I dont want any answers really! Its not a real question to you!! lol.
I dont know how there could be such a discrepancy . And if so, how in the heck do i fix it if i dont see it. I've gone to therapy over the years, ive been through alot in my 39 yrs of life, and in the past few years i've grown to really like /love myself . I got tired of beating myself up for things i cant change. Ive always stood up for myself but now i think i believe it more. Yes, i have flaws and i have insecurities and i may not believe in myself as much as i used to ( in my younger years) but i've matured in the fact that I really dont care if you like what i say or what i wear , i like myself and im not changing for anyone. If you dont like me, its your loss. It may be like i said in my last post, maybe i dont ACT happy enough or seem that i care enough. Maybe its that im too sarcastic and people dont really know if im kidding or not. People mistake what i mean alot, if im your friend, i never mean to speak ill of you or make fun of you.  If people really got to know me, they would know its just my demeanor , and actions speak louder than words, or the tone of words.
So, at any rate, I reach out, i try to be a friend, a real one. Making friends is harder than it used to be. Im not around moms anymore like i was when my kids were younger and doing tons of activities. I dont belong to any clubs, I take care of my kids, go to work, and really just try to get by everyday. You know its like the sayings, you cant cheat a cheater, or you cant lie to a liar (yes i just made that up lol) i see things for what they are, i see people for what they are, im very aware.
So when do i stop trying? (again, not a real question). I dont want to stop but how many times can i open myself up and get nothing in return. How many attempts at finding a really good friend, one that doesnt ignore me or talk about me, or leave me in the dust, do i make. its so disheartening. The only positive i can take from it is that if i only have acquaintances and nothing more, i cant be hurt as bad. I just have to make that choice, put that wall back up and leave it at that.
HUGS
T. 

Deep in a hole.

Im sure my writing will pick up, i just havent been in the mood and in fact ive kinda been depressed. Ok i said it! More like BLAH than deep depression. Just bored, tired, lazy, uninterested, unenthusiastic . Sometimes i think that i actually have set my expectations of what "happy" feels like too high. Maybe this is what it should feel like, so why do i expect so much more. When i was little , even then, i was never an enthusiastic child. I would say thank you and everyone would be like- you could be a little more happy looking or something stupid like that. When you get to know me, my little thank you could mean I LOVE IT. I just dont show it well enough. So, ive grown up that way. Who the hell knows what happy is anyway.
Im trying to get out of this rut, soon i will. I just dont feel very in control of things right now, and being a perfectionist- in my mind- nothing is right. Things have gotten out of my control and its KILLING me. Cant blame anyone but myself but im allowed to complain lol. I've just got to concentrate on getting control back. I know i can, but this rut is in a way bc of that also. One big hole im in,
HUGS

Stuck between a rock and a shady person...

Well this is a strange thing, 2 blogs in 24hours lol.  The reason im blogging now is b/c im thinking of something and ill forget about it later. I really hate depending on people, asking for help, not doing it all myself. I hate it more than you can imagine. I've always been this way. Stubborn, perfectionist, u get the drift! I think its helped me to achieve the success that ive had thus far. Able to survive as a single woman /mother and raise 2 boys by myself. - and we do pretty well i may say. Ive worked since i was 16 and ive always taken care of myself. And i really do believe its the Aries in me lol.
So, since the boys dad passed away, weekends are yucky. I work every weekend 2 twelve hour shifts, and they would always be home with dad. That way i was home all week with the boys and made full time money and benefits. So, now that he is gone, i became shit out of luck on the weekends. Really its Friday night to Sunday night. Seems like forever too!  My brother in law watches them for me at his place, very close by. And they love it there, with their cousins and they feel like he is a second dad. I hate it though that i have to bring them there every weekend , i miss them alot. Im home alone all weekend, well me and the cats lol. they are like little kids ya know! So i hate the fact i have to do this. I mean im lucky they like to go but it just seems unfair . So for awhile another family member was coming over to stay on the weekends, that way the boys didnt have to leave their home every weekend. I would come home to my boys and it was nice - to a point. That family member , well , can be shady at times. I cant really go into it, but trust me, shady , yes. So it was like, which is better? Neither. I figure in a few years, they can stay alone, and by then maybe ill have won the lotto and became independently wealthy!
Anyway, this shady person gets on my nerves, always asking me for things, things that are mine and i need, but so do they and apparently its more important for them than for me. So i think that one of the reasons they dont mind coming is also b/c they can get what they need. And it pisses me off. So either way im screwed.  I think that was gonna be the case this weekend, and the boys said they wanted to go to BILs house. I was glad, i like it when they want to go, i dont feel guilty. I got to text shady last night, at that point i didnt know what the boys wanted to do, so i asked what shady had planned this weekend, No reply, hmm i think they were pissed at me, for not giving in to them earlier in the week. So fine, today i just texted, dont worry about it, boys WANT to go to BILs. HAHAH. Cant wait for shady to see. That will annoy them. And now they cant get/steal what they want from me either. Sometimes, it works out. i suppose.
One day, my big dream is to not have to work at all, to have a nice big house with a maid, a cook, separate wings, etc. Only problem is, i need to be young enough to enjoy it lol.
I better hurry up. LATER.