Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Out with the old and in with the new

Well its been a long time since i last blogged. Ive been so out of the loop with it. It definitely makes me feel better but sometimes i just get sick of complaining. If i dont do it here , i tend to keep it inside, which is not a good thing for me! Seems like not much has changed. So many things to do and so little time. Procrastination overwhelms me. Hyper focusing is strong. I'll sit here on my laptop and research whatever it is im interested in that day, to its death. I have so many- a ridiculous number of bookmarks and saved pages and documents. So many that i couldnt pull up something on the fly. I look through them sometimes and try to delete them , thats another thing. I wouldnt call myself a hoarder but i hold on to things way too long. Then i think, hmmm im being treated for my ADHD, ive done therapy, im on meds, i read read read, do charts, buy planners, you name it. Yet im still this way. Am i ever going to change. Its so time consuming to try and multitask , well i dont try, it just happens, to the end result of 3 projects sitting there done half assed, or just half done. Im tired of it, but it seems like its only getting worse.
Then i think, how am i supposed to help my child with ADHD if i cant help myself. not the best role model. It has to be more of a do as i say, not what i do~!  Feeling like a hamster in a cage, getting no where fast.  
Christmas came and went. Uneventful. Its my fav holiday, but i dont know what happened this year. Every year i have the Christmas carols on the radio, from Thanksgiving on lol. I annoy the hell out of everyone, but i love it. I love decorating, love my tree. wrapping, shopping, the crisp air, lights, etc. But this year i did none of it. No Christmas music on, no tree, no happy excited feeling. Shoot i still have presents to wrap, for people i know i wont see for another week! I think this has been the most depressing xmas ever. Its the second year without Mike, and i guess the first one was only 5 months after he died, and we were still in a blur. This year it was so real and in your face. Subconsciously i think it affected me more than i knew. 
So where do i go from here? I have no clue. Im in a pretty dark place. I mean im ok but im not. Im getting by and doing what needs to be done. But i need to go the extra mile on alot of things in my life right now . Shall i say - New Years Resolutions lol. worth a shot!
Hugs T.