Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Deep in a hole.

The Latte Mommy: Deep in a hole.: Im sure my writing will pick up, i just havent been in the mood and in fact ive kinda been depressed. Ok i said it! More like BLAH than deep...

Deep in a hole.

Im sure my writing will pick up, i just havent been in the mood and in fact ive kinda been depressed. Ok i said it! More like BLAH than deep depression. Just bored, tired, lazy, uninterested, unenthusiastic . Sometimes i think that i actually have set my expectations of what "happy" feels like too high. Maybe this is what it should feel like, so why do i expect so much more. When i was little , even then, i was never an enthusiastic child. I would say thank you and everyone would be like- you could be a little more happy looking or something stupid like that. When you get to know me, my little thank you could mean I LOVE IT. I just dont show it well enough. So, ive grown up that way. Who the hell knows what happy is anyway.
Im trying to get out of this rut, soon i will. I just dont feel very in control of things right now, and being a perfectionist- in my mind- nothing is right. Things have gotten out of my control and its KILLING me. Cant blame anyone but myself but im allowed to complain lol. I've just got to concentrate on getting control back. I know i can, but this rut is in a way bc of that also. One big hole im in,
HUGS

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Nursing can be emotionally draining!!

The Latte Mommy: Nursing can be emotionally draining!!: Ill do a little posting here, got called into work. Not so bad, only had to work 7 hrs vs my usual grueling 12 lol. Was a sad day tho, had a...

Nursing can be emotionally draining!!

Ill do a little posting here, got called into work. Not so bad, only had to work 7 hrs vs my usual grueling 12 lol. Was a sad day tho, had a "gift of life" donor. Means someone was healthy but braindead and they were an organ donor. Its a long process, you spend every second with that patient doing work. TOns of bloodwork, tons of medications, lines put in, monitering all kinds of stuff, basically making sure every part/organ of that person is JUST right and stays that way until the "harvest" takes place. That is when the person goes to the operating room and the organs are taken, it definitely puts a different spin on organ donation. I mean you realize that they and their family are doing everything they can to help another unfortunate person live another day, yet its so barbaric. Ive seen one once, years ago. I dont even know how i can describe how i felt. I know the persons brain was dead, gone , their spirit somewhere else, somewhere good- for they were giving the ultimate sacrifice. Im not an organ donor, i know, a nurse who isnt! I just have mixed feelings, a personal choice, as we all have these choices.  So it was sad, esp because the pt was in their early 20's. such a young life to be taken.  Its just one of those things that make me question so many things in the world, and beyond. I often go there in my head. I wouldnt stay for another "harvest" , it just makes me ill inside. too sad, but i give the patient alot of praise for that decision they made beforehand, you know that little sticker on your drivers license. They may just be saving alot of lives tonight!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Looking at my future

The Latte Mommy: Looking at my future: Yeah i know i havent been around in a little bit, sorry. I guess i just havent felt that "spark" to write. I hate it when that happens, to m...

Looking at my future

Yeah i know i havent been around in a little bit, sorry. I guess i just havent felt that "spark" to write. I hate it when that happens, to me it feels like im just not feeling like me, but ive actually felt ok.  On call this weekend, yeah!! so i get to actually spend a weekend with the boys, just them and me. Ive had alot to take care of lately and ive kept up pretty good. Im actually glad im off work. Seems they are really looking at us, under a microscope, not sure why but alot of people have either left or been fired in the past 6 months, something is going on. I know nurses are supposed to be "in demand" but they arent acting like it. Unless they are trying to weed out the old- higher paid more seniority and higher the new.  Job security is scary, esp since im now a single, widowed mom of two growing boys.So anyway i figure if im not there i cant screw up lol. Im in the process of registering for online college to get my RN-BSN . I need my bsn to get a better or higher up job and i would like to have alot of options. I really want to teach- clinical. Hands on, like in a nursing school, i been doing this job 15 yrs, think i know what im doing and I LOVE teaching.  I just taught a nurse at work something she didnt know how to do and she came out and said thank you, you are so patient! you taught me so well! I was Shocked lol, im not patient, but maybe in a teaching situation i am and in my normal rush rush life im not. Its just a calling ive had in the past few years so im going to go for it. I cant work in critical care and be doing all this laborious work, its so physical and no one seems to get it. they think i give pills and sit at a desk. NO way, im on my feet for basically the whole 12 hours i work and im constantly lifting , pulling up, turning dead weight patients on ventilators. Its not their fault but my back is already in bad shape. Ok ta ta for now. getting my heating pad out as we speak lol

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Latte Mommy: OH and ....

The Latte Mommy: OH and ....: If you like reading my blogs- follow me- i like the company!!!

The Latte Mommy: Bloggers block

The Latte Mommy: Bloggers block: Well i guess its been a few days since i last blogged. Ive been tired, Im trying to get my sleep somewhat back on track with the kids in sch...

OH and ....

If you like reading my blogs- follow me- i like the company!!!

Bloggers block

Well i guess its been a few days since i last blogged. Ive been tired, Im trying to get my sleep somewhat back on track with the kids in school now. Im doing a little better but we will see. Besides neglecting my blogging, ive neglected alot of things. I have a pile of papers that i need to file, send out, get signed, deposit etc. Its gonna take awhile but i gotta get it going. Who knows if there is time sensitive stuff in there!! Had a good weekend at work. It was slow but nice. So far , great with the kids and school. Getting to the bus on time. no big problems with homework,(i know , its early!!) but it feels good. Not much else is new. I worked all weekend, yesterday i ran some errands and today my goal is this paperwork UGHHH. So wish me luck, talk soon!
hugs

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Latte Mommy: How do we make them Want to learn???

The Latte Mommy: How do we make them Want to learn???: I;ll tell you, kids these days , ughhh, When i was in school, elementary and middle school i had homework and there was no question that i h...

How do we make them Want to learn???

I;ll tell you, kids these days , ughhh, When i was in school, elementary and middle school i had homework and there was no question that i had to do it. I didnt get to not study. I didnt get to come home and play on the computer for hours. I wasnt allowed to do much, and we didnt have after school activities like the kids today. I had dance. thats all. Now days, these kids do so many activities, they never have a dull moment. Thats the problem. Nothing wrong with reading or taking a walk or watching some tv or studying(god forbid). Extra work is a thing unheard of. They have no motivation , no urge to succeed, no goals. Its just ' get it done, least work possible. Then we have to be tyrants, parents who time their computer time, and badger them all the time. I dont know why kids dont have in it them. Is it because of how we as a society have evolved- how america is Lazy! It sucks, i want my kids to want to learn, make the world proud, etc, but its become a chore. I dont even know how i feel about homework. Its so much sometimes that their day is just one big "school" and it deters them. To some degree at least. After school time should be free time, they really dont have that much of it after all. But trying to cram it all in can be tiresome. I dont know what a motivation could be, i dont like the bribery thing, they shouldnt get a reward for doing good in school. its expected. So how do we entice them? How do we make them Want to be smart. This is a hard one, and one i;ll keep trying to figure out!!

The Latte Mommy: Dreaming big

The Latte Mommy: Dreaming big: Wouldnt it be cool if you could be someone else for a day or so lol. Actually if you liked it you could stay longer. Just a little swap, to ...

Dreaming big

Wouldnt it be cool if you could be someone else for a day or so lol. Actually if you liked it you could stay longer. Just a little swap, to check out how the other half lives. Im not sure who id pick but i could start with the Real Housewives reality series. It would be so cool to live in mansion like that. To go to all those parties, get dressed up, spend all that money, without a care in the world, besides which charity to pick this time around. Hello- charity case, right here (waving hand in air). Im not a charity case, but next to them im dirt poor.  I just would want to see if i felt any different, and for how long. Sure it would be great at first, but how long would it take to wear off. I love spending money, shopping etc. and if i had no limit, or a really high one. would it make me a happier person. Now dont go thinking, wow she sounds really superficial b/c im not. I will say that i love the nice things in life. and most of them happen to be expensive. Just saying. But i manage my money good and i live in a beautiful home, for what i can afford. If you look at overall median incomes, im considered middle=high class. LMAO. See i cant imagine making 12,000 a year. I didnt grow up rich, nor poor. middle. But i always wondered what it would be like to be really rich. I know money cant buy you happiness but it can make you happier!! Id be alot happier if i had a cook, so that i made sure the kids ate healthy every night. Id be alot happier if i had a maid, so that i didnt hurt my back cleaning around here, and then working my ass off to lift dead weight people. Id be happier if i had money to get a new car so i didnt have to worry about mine just dying.
And the thing that makes me really pissy is that it will never happen. I wont be switching lives with anyone in the near future. You can do whatever you want with your life- great message sure, but its not realistic. Why is it that a damn baseball player can make millions yet me, the little ole RN, CANT. I just save lives, clean up all kinds of shit, literally lol, make life altering decisions ,etc. I mean dont people value our work in my field?. Obviously our values are pretty distorted where they pay ball players outlandish monies for absolutely nothing, well they say, its for entertainment and our well being. We'd have no well being if we werent alive. This is where i find it hard to believe that this is it. This is all there is. What kind of bullshit is this.
I have so many different scenerios in my head of how i could live, where, in what house, what cars, etc. I dream big. It just really sucks that i go to work, leave my kids, to take care of people (yes , its my choice i know) and yet im not compensated to the degree i should be. my opinion anyway....
I guess i picked the Real Housewives because its something, i can relate to, im that age, in a place near me, . im sure i could find alot of others to switch with, i just pulled them out of my head. Sure the grass is always greener, but they can water my lawn anytime they'd like!!

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Really bad mood

The Latte Mommy: Really bad mood: Ive just been having a bad few days. My mood is down, i just feel like crap. Im in a rut, and i gotta get out cause i feel like im sinking q...

Really bad mood

Ive just been having a bad few days. My mood is down, i just feel like crap. Im in a rut, and i gotta get out cause i feel like im sinking quick. I really dont have much to say , i just wanted to check in. Now with me, this mood could get better today, or it could get worse. Rarely will it stay the same. I just feel like im stuck in the same day over and over , and its not a good day. Ive let relationships slowly fall apart, and then i wonder why i dont have any close friends. Its my fault. I dont keep my end of the deal. and its because im so god damn moody. Im just tired of all of this.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Guilted up again

The Latte Mommy: Guilted up again: So the boys are gone , i hate this so much. I was so tired, couldnt sleep when i tried last night. Got them to the bus, went to my doctor ap...

Guilted up again

So the boys are gone , i hate this so much. I was so tired, couldnt sleep when i tried last night. Got them to the bus, went to my doctor appt, helped my friend out with the beef and beer last minute things and then came home. It was around 2ish. I laid on the couch cause my eyes were tired and boom, im out. Alseep unitl like 8p when i wake up. Now, im pissed, i gotta get them ready to go to Bil's house. packed, make sure homework goes , medicines are packed. etc etc. And i dont want to move!! Finally got them out by 930p. And i didnt even get to spend time with them. Now they were perfectly content im sure playing video games without my nagging voice in the background. Eating poptarts and granola bars lol. And they were fine. It just sparked up that guilt factor. I was going to take them to bookstore and then out to eat. Guess those plans got squashed. Now i wont see them until sunday night, when its the rush of getting ready for bed and school in the morning. I get no fun time, no down time, during the school year. Its the rush of the school year etc etc. I'll have to make it up to them next week. Hey at least ive been getting them up , breakfast, dressed and to the bus stop ON TIME. Thats a plus, bonus point for me. I guess i cant have it all. Well not all at once anyway!!

The Latte Mommy: Stuck between a rock and a shady person...

The Latte Mommy: Stuck between a rock and a shady person...: Well this is a strange thing, 2 blogs in 24hours lol. The reason im blogging now is b/c im thinking of something and ill forget about it la...

Stuck between a rock and a shady person...

Well this is a strange thing, 2 blogs in 24hours lol.  The reason im blogging now is b/c im thinking of something and ill forget about it later. I really hate depending on people, asking for help, not doing it all myself. I hate it more than you can imagine. I've always been this way. Stubborn, perfectionist, u get the drift! I think its helped me to achieve the success that ive had thus far. Able to survive as a single woman /mother and raise 2 boys by myself. - and we do pretty well i may say. Ive worked since i was 16 and ive always taken care of myself. And i really do believe its the Aries in me lol.
So, since the boys dad passed away, weekends are yucky. I work every weekend 2 twelve hour shifts, and they would always be home with dad. That way i was home all week with the boys and made full time money and benefits. So, now that he is gone, i became shit out of luck on the weekends. Really its Friday night to Sunday night. Seems like forever too!  My brother in law watches them for me at his place, very close by. And they love it there, with their cousins and they feel like he is a second dad. I hate it though that i have to bring them there every weekend , i miss them alot. Im home alone all weekend, well me and the cats lol. they are like little kids ya know! So i hate the fact i have to do this. I mean im lucky they like to go but it just seems unfair . So for awhile another family member was coming over to stay on the weekends, that way the boys didnt have to leave their home every weekend. I would come home to my boys and it was nice - to a point. That family member , well , can be shady at times. I cant really go into it, but trust me, shady , yes. So it was like, which is better? Neither. I figure in a few years, they can stay alone, and by then maybe ill have won the lotto and became independently wealthy!
Anyway, this shady person gets on my nerves, always asking me for things, things that are mine and i need, but so do they and apparently its more important for them than for me. So i think that one of the reasons they dont mind coming is also b/c they can get what they need. And it pisses me off. So either way im screwed.  I think that was gonna be the case this weekend, and the boys said they wanted to go to BILs house. I was glad, i like it when they want to go, i dont feel guilty. I got to text shady last night, at that point i didnt know what the boys wanted to do, so i asked what shady had planned this weekend, No reply, hmm i think they were pissed at me, for not giving in to them earlier in the week. So fine, today i just texted, dont worry about it, boys WANT to go to BILs. HAHAH. Cant wait for shady to see. That will annoy them. And now they cant get/steal what they want from me either. Sometimes, it works out. i suppose.
One day, my big dream is to not have to work at all, to have a nice big house with a maid, a cook, separate wings, etc. Only problem is, i need to be young enough to enjoy it lol.
I better hurry up. LATER.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Night ramblings and such...

The Latte Mommy: Night ramblings and such...: Well this day felt like a waste. I thought id sleep after i dropped the kids off at bus stop so i came home and got on the couch with my bla...

Night ramblings and such...

Well this day felt like a waste. I thought id sleep after i dropped the kids off at bus stop so i came home and got on the couch with my blanket and layed there lol. I couldnt sleep! I tried and tossed and turned and i still couldnt sleep. My body was trying to sleep b/c i kept waking myself up by talking out loud!! I do that all the time, talk in my sleep. BUt i was waking up saying parts of sentences and moving my hands and then realizing i wasnt talking to anyone and faded out again. So i guess i was in some kind of sleep mode. HAHHA . So i was up and down and then fell asleep for a little late afternoon. Now im up again!
So i got some stuff done, still have alot to do. Unload dishwasher, wash, bills, etc. I have to stay up tomorrow am for a doctors appt at 10. Plus since i work sat am i want to be able to nap tomorrow later or go to bed early. YEAH RIGHT!! Sounded good
Keep getting these news alerts on some act of "terrorism" thats planned to happen on 9/11. There was a press conference but i missed it. I hate this shit. Not like i think my suburb in Pa is in trouble but you just NEVER know what could happen . I'll be working on sunday 9/11. I wont be with the boys until that night. Probably better that way. Keep my mind busy. Its not like i really worry much but i feel like id be stupid not to think about it.
Ok i took a small break, did some work. Eww i saw a cricket. It is so freakin humid and gross out. I hate hate hate this time of year. Bring me oct/nov/dec. Those are my fav's. orange leaves, smell of crispness in the air, mums, pumpkins, and the end of all the nasty little creatures. I live in a pretty wooded area and see Deer allll  the time. They are pretty. I love bunnies and deer etc but not little bugs and icky spiders and stuff. And my dumb cats dont even do anything, they make me get the bugs. So i got the vacuum out and sucked the cricket up!! Thats the only way i can deal with bugs lol. Im an ICU nurse and can deal with allll kinds of stuff -= but not crickets haha.
Oh well, ttyl.
HUGS

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Ass backwards

The Latte Mommy: Ass backwards: Boys had their first day of school, it was bittersweet. Im excited for them and i think this year will really be different. Its got to be be...

Ass backwards

Boys had their first day of school, it was bittersweet. Im excited for them and i think this year will really be different. Its got to be better than last year. Besides being the first couple of months after Mike died, a lot of other shit seemed to be going on. It , by far, was one of the worst years of my life, and i think theirs too. I feel guilty about that. But like i said, i think this year will be great. They are both in the same school!! Seem to be getting along pretty good right now too, like brothers lol.  Hopefully, since starting the ADD meds, my one son  wont have such a hard year, and i wont want to jump off a bridge when its homework time!!!
My sleep hasnt gotten any better. Last night i fell asleep around 2am and then i woke up at 430ish. I was wide awake and stayed up , got everything ready for school and got them to the bus on time. I came home and fell asleep around 930a and pretty much napped the day away. So now im awake at night AGAIN. I dont know if its even worth it to try and fix this, im trying to just accept it and go with the flow. No sense in having anxiety about it. I mean i havent gotten sick at all, ya know b/c my when your sleep is messed up, your resistance is down and you can get sick. Nope feel good! And i hate forcing myself to lie there , so i sleep when im tired. I obsess, haha
You know something that pisses me off, Ive been trying to sell these lottery tix for a fundraiser. Its for my friend who has cancer, there is a beef and beer this weekend and we were selling lottery tix for $20 each. And you could win, 10,000.  Thats a great prize, and $20 isnt that bad. So i brought them to work , well it was like i was trying to get you to give me their first born. My god, i didnt realize people were so cheap, or maybe im just too generous. Im sorry but esp for cancer, in a young person, 20 freakin dollars and when i would ask, people would just turn their heads, like they didnt hear me, some even just said no. I mean the people i work with have money, trust me, they have an extra 20 lying around for a charity. I was really disappointed in how it went down. Of course i made up for it by donating other great stuff and spent good time/money and even bought 2 lottery tix myself. You cant win if you dont play lol. I wont fault myself for being too generous either. Karma is real. And when i give, i feel good. Like when i shop i feel good, when i give someone something and they love it or they wanted it, it makes me feel so good. Thats a good old fashion high. LOL. I wish i had more money to give. So, since its nighttime i guess that means its time for me to start cleaning, showering, email, etc. Im ass backwards.
HUGS

Monday, September 5, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Just another Day!

The Latte Mommy: Just another Day!: AHHH im drinking a nice big caramel frappachinno with 2 extra shots, from Starbucks. Picked it up on the way home from food shopping and fro...

Just another Day!

AHHH im drinking a nice big caramel frappachinno with 2 extra shots, from Starbucks. Picked it up on the way home from food shopping and from doing some last minute school shopping, which by the way i didnt finish lol- i have one more day shhh. I couldnt finish, the boys were driving me crazy, laughing and being loud and running around Target lol. I was trying to concentrate on my list and id had enough- so i decided we were finished and id get anything else tomorrow. We left and i couldnt help but stopping at Starbucks. It is on my way home from everywhere hahah. All the employees know me and my "regular" drink , i love it there. It feels like home.  So now i put away most of the stuff, had to take a break and watch some Basketball Wives LA and enjoy my drink. I've got all my shows lined up tonight. I know, nice life lol, Hey its what i enjoy.
So, im multitasking, which isnt all that good for you ive read but hey its what i do. Im making pasta, cleaning up, picking up, organizing, watching tv, typing and drinking! Now Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere is on, one of my favorites!! Any real housewives is on that note.  So this is a busy week. Kids and school. I've got to reschedule some appointments that i skipped out on last month, etc etc. Gotta keep it going.
Boy this blog writing is turning into an all night thing lol. I started it at 8 and now its almost 11p. I've been coming and going. House looks pretty good now, ive been cleaning etc the whole time. Boy im beat...  Oh well i guess i dont have that much more to say right now, i may return.

The Latte Mommy: Random post!!!

The Latte Mommy: Random post!!!: I feel like i should be typing something, but i have no idea what to type. Nothing is coming to mind, nothing is popping up, standing out lo...

Random post!!!

I feel like i should be typing something, but i have no idea what to type. Nothing is coming to mind, nothing is popping up, standing out lol. And you know nothing is on tv because im watching Teen Mom on mtv!! Im kinda bored. Only worked one day this weekend. was on call the other. So, kinda bored over here. I could/should be reading and writing for my sons school start (just diagnosed with ADD at the end of last school year) and this year im writing some rules out, since he goes to private school and they dont have to have an IEP. They will accommodate your child tho, the best they can. So ive been researching all summer and i have a list together.
Ok, about an hour has gone by ... im back. I still dont have much to say lol.  Im really getting nervous about school and re-adjusting my routine. Ive gotten to this habit for the past 9 months. Its hard.  I mean i dont have to get it right straight off, as long as i get them to school and then im awake and ready to go when they get home then its all good. I'll be fine, i'll adjust as needed. I think maybe ill have a sleep out night with the boys tomorrow night- last night they can stay up late!! Movies and popcorn in the living room and they can use their sleeping bags, and hopefully leave my couch to me!! Probably will wake to a foot in my face lol. The boys will like that, and it will be our little sendoff party for the end of summer.
Im not really tired at all! Well i had gotten alot of sleep after NOT getting alot of sleep! I wonder if i slept right, id be happier, ya know , getting into a routine and pattern and making my body healthy and happy . I dont know, its hard to find out exactly how much sleep i need. But ill tell you one thing, I can sleep! Problem is ill wake up, say 6-7 hrs later and a normal person would just get up, not me, i make myself go back to sleep and then ill sleep like another 6-7 hours. Once im asleep, im out. I certainly dont need 12-14hrs of sleep per night. There is no rhyme or reason, my routine doesnt change much day to day. I should have a stable bedtime.  AHH well ill figure it out lol
Night for now!!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Lets go dancing!!!

The Latte Mommy: Lets go dancing!!!: Feeling pretty good today! Was in the car quite a bit and I heard alot of different music- so many songs that i liked, old/new/- Some of it ...

Lets go dancing!!!

Feeling pretty good today! Was in the car quite a bit and I heard alot of different music- so many songs that i liked, old/new/- Some of it was dance music, you know, the stuff you used to listen to when you were like 16 and going to all those clubs, with your fake id lol. Well thats what i did. Went to many a dance club every weekend and now that i think of the fake id, its funny how we got away with it. I even remember the fake name i used lol. So im hearing all these songs and its bringing back memories and its a good feeling.
So i start thinking, i have always loved music, and dancing. It was a huge interest of mine and then it stopped. I cant tell you last time i went out with the girlfriends and danced. We used to go downtown alot, i guess i feel like i outgrew it but i didnt really. When so many things happen to you, life experiences, mostly rough ones- i guess i kinda lost the child in me. Now i know this was many years ago but i miss that part of me, that i laid to rest along with all the negative things ive experienced. The last 5yrs or so have brought me so many unexpected "tragedies" . I feel like i was too young to deal with all that. I've changed in so many ways, ive always been responsible for alot of things but that child like nature in me got lost. It has aged me. Then i get depressed thinking im almost 40. I know its just a number, but it sucks. I still feel way younger than that but really i barely laugh anymore, its hard to smile and not much makes me happy. I dont look forward to much and when i do, that time or event gets here and i crumble. Nah dont want to do it anymore. Why? Have i given in to what life has been throwing me. Instead of fighting it like i would have always done.
Seems i find things i need to change. work on, about myself. Im aware but not necessarily jumping in.  The worst part is that ive had too many young people, friends, family, die. Its taken a toll on me and i have the motto live now, you never know what tomorrow brings. That motto is in my head but i somehow cant seem to practice what i preach.
I really need to make some changes. This is no fun. I think i need to go out dancing!!!