Sunday, April 29, 2012

The Latte Mommy: when did everyone become so ungrateful

The Latte Mommy: when did everyone become so ungrateful: I am in a miserable mood. Its like my ADD is in full swing. I have 100 things i want to do at once. so many great ideas, then i attempt to...

when did everyone become so ungrateful

I am in a miserable mood. Its like my ADD is in full swing. I have 100 things i want to do at once. so many great ideas, then i attempt to start one of them and i become bored, so i think ok now on to the next  and that too, becomes no fun. So im left with a few started projects and a mess. even trying to organize my stuff turns ugly.
you know i hate getting caught up in the moment of things and then you look back at it and realize, it wasnt that big of a deal. I mean my kids and our wellbeing are the most important things to me. then comes my job, etc.  So when something bad happens to me, i let it bother me wayyy too much. I try and be strong, hold back the emotions that i used to not feel. I used to be icy, my family called me "the ice princess". ahh back in the day. Now every now and then i get all mushy and i cry at reruns of Grays Anatomy. and daydream of babies and little girls with pink bows in their hair. I love my boys!! So now sometimes the emotions sneak through and its so not worth it. People dont need to see me cry or sweat. because "this too shall pass"  . Anyway its hard to recover and put your pride back on. but after all, i know im a good nurse, i know im a good person, i dont need to feel small b/c of a few little things, that in the scheme of saving life, really have nothing to do with it, and its a shame people dont realize that anymore. Ungrateful!
enough bitching!! hey AT LEAST I HAVE A JOB, RIGHT? LOL

Friday, April 20, 2012

Well I'm not happy. I'm supposed to be in shopping bliss ugh. I'm at TJ maxx and all I had was a gift card and a check. Someone else had my visa check card. So I pay with my gift card and then they go to put my check through and their STUPID card reader won't read my check bc it's on recycled paper or something stupid. Wait aren't we supposed to be green and they should be up on this with recycled anything. Do anyway everything was all bagged up. I had yo than leave and go to the bank - luckily it was close by. And withdraw money. Now I'm back at TJ maxx and they ate re ringing everything again.
IM SO PISSED. This happened before where I needed my check card and someone else had it on them.
Lesson learned. GIVE ME MY CARD.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Latte Mommy: No time for pain.

The Latte Mommy: No time for pain.: I just went shopping , finally got some money and went food shopping and for other bathroom, kitchin stuff. Ah i loved it. THere were a few ...

No time for pain.

I just went shopping , finally got some money and went food shopping and for other bathroom, kitchin stuff. Ah i loved it. THere were a few things i was going to get, had my hands on them ` going in the cart when .. i thought for a minute, Im getting paid tomorrow and i still need to pay some overdue bills so id better wait, pay the bills and then use extra to buy stuff for ME . A few things like , well who knows, i may even change my mind by tomorrow so its better i waited. A cure for my impulsiveness, thinking of no electricity haha
So the boys helped me bring in the 100 bags, they always give you so many bags at Target. I put the cold stuff away, now have everything else still. My back is killing me, only had my injections 12 days ago and im in pain, im gonna try and call her tomorrow, she told me to if it acted up. Sometimes all the pain medecine in the world wont help this back pain. Its such a different pain . And i still have to put alot away, finish wash, vaccum, kitty litter, dishwasher and dishes and then work 2 12's this weekend in ICU. Im screwed, if you cant tell. When my back hurts like this, im miserable. i wanna cry , well i do sometimes. like right now, im thinking and im hurting and im tearing up. Im on the couch watching the end of Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion and drinking my Starbucks Frappachino plugging in my heating pad. The rest will wait, its not going anywhere tonight and neither am i. Its a shame i dont have any help , isnt it???? Well hey, im not letting this ruin my
shopping high. lol

Unspoken words

It's funny how people treat you a certain way. Not holding back or anything and you even tell them that you are feeling a certain way , but then when it's all out in the open it's words written or it's meaner more straight forward words written - they suddenly take offense. Wtf. Now all of a sudden it's real , like it meant nothing before. There is only so much a person can take. So now what. Well ivguessvtjry can either take offense and not face the music. If we ignore it surely it will go back to normal won't it ??
It always does. Nothing really ever changes. I don't know why tho. Just a few simple words, an I'm sorry or I'll try but stubbornness remains strong and words go unspoken.

When you fall out of like

It's hard enough to stay in love these days but what the heck do you do when you stop liking the person you are supposed to share your life with. When you don't want to tell them your secrets your fears or your joys. When any conversation turns into a debate. You can only survive that relationship so long. It's very sad to be with someone and start to realize Thad you are both on different planets. Not much to talk about that you have in commen and then if so its always a war of the words bc you can't just have an opinion or actually know what you are talking about. There is no more meaningful conversations. Then what. ? Can you just live like this. Keep to yourself when it comes to deep thoughts. I don't really know about ther

Friday, April 13, 2012

The Latte Mommy: Supermom and the guilt.

The Latte Mommy: Supermom and the guilt.: You know i totally buy into this supermom/superwoman model that the world today has set up for us. I also am realizing the guilt that comes ...

Supermom and the guilt.

You know i totally buy into this supermom/superwoman model that the world today has set up for us. I also am realizing the guilt that comes along with it. I remember my mother in law said to me, not so long ago, "Oh i remember you used to dress Nicholas so nice, he always looked so cute "etc. Now Nicholas is 13yrs old, and when i had him i was 27yrs old, just married and he was our first baby. OF COURSE he looked cute. See the way it was said was that he USED to look like that, and I USED to be on top of everything and in control. Now im apparently not. I guess she doesnt notice the Abercrombie and Fitch clothes that both my boys wear or their Gap jeans, calvin klien underwear. Im in control now and they looked damned cute.  I bust my ass so they do. It just felt like a dig and i dont think im being over sensitive. 
It seems today that our world has created this supermom model that we are supposed to ( and even as a single mother) have it all under control, or at least look the part. I think i need to practice on looking the part. I work, part time, every weekend, we have 2 cars, they go to a private school.,  we have food, breakfast lunch and dinner, and many more things. At times im so proud of myself for doing it alone. But then i see where i may falter in one area, so my desk area is a total mess, or i cant find my keys for 20min at a time, those boys get on the bus on time every morning. I look and read magazine articles, "how do you do it?" for todays moms, how do they? i mean , it gets done but im a mess inside. Im always feeling guilty that i didnt spend enough time with them , quality time, or that im setting a bad example when i say the F word (only now and then) or when i let them stay up late. Am i a bad mom? I feel like i am, alot. And its because of this "supermom" model that is out there, im 40 and somewhat successful, what is it going to make our teenagers strive for, and when they cant fulfill it, do they write a blog? or shove a pillow over their babies screaming mouth, you get the gist?
So, im gonna try and let go of the guilt, bc what good is it? The ones that should feel guilty for being bad moms, dont even know they are! My kids are great, i love them, and take care of them, and they know it. when i kiss their little noses at night, they know it..

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Latte Mommy: Onward and Upward

The Latte Mommy: Onward and Upward: Guess ill post since im on a roll lately. I got some money, and finally went food shopping. Feels good to have food and napkins lol. And som...

Onward and Upward

Guess ill post since im on a roll lately. I got some money, and finally went food shopping. Feels good to have food and napkins lol. And something to drink besides water and milk. I brought my calculator and chris was in charge of keeping track of our spending. We did good i thought. I wanted to buy a million other things but i didnt . i held back and put them on a list. I didnt get my usual "high" from shopping tho. I felt good but not as good, bc i didnt get to buy anything for myself ,well i bought 2 pens, that was nice. lol  The $ situation will get better, it just a while to come back after you 've totally screwed up your budgeting.  
So i think im gonna begin studying for the CCRN. an advanced test for critical care nurses. Its a hard test ive heard, i have been wanting to do this for a long time. I have a study guide.and ive worked in critical care for 15yrs so i should be ok. Ive gotta do something , i feel very stagnet right now. I dont feel like i have much of a purpose right now. I mean, besides raising my children, which is very important, ive got nothing going on. And i think in order to be a good parent and be happy i have to keep myself fulfilled.  its not easy and turning 40 was a bummer and again made me look at my life. I keep thinking this cant be all there is. What is it all for.I lost my husband, my best friend, almost coming up on 2 yrs ago. Time flies, but what have i accomplished in that time- not much at all. ive just managed to survive. I thought by now, id be somewhere else. I need to push myself if i want results tho. I can be so much more than i am right now. I have to be. I cant continue to live like this. So onward and upward. xoxo

The Latte Mommy: The saga continues

The Latte Mommy: The saga continues: I love reading comments on blogs, i try and leave one when i read, just to let the blogger know, im interested, i can relate, and i like to ...

The saga continues

I love reading comments on blogs, i try and leave one when i read, just to let the blogger know, im interested, i can relate, and i like to read your writing. Its definately a motivation to keep blogging. I mean, for instance, someone writes a book, and its not on the best seller list b/c no one comments on it, even if its great, no one knows. Makes it easy to give up, why would they write a sequel if they didnt know anyone liked the first. Just a thought. 
I had applied to university to further my nursing career, rn to bsn program. And i got accepted. I was to start in fall 2012. I applied last xmas time. now im having issues, with the ignorant nurse lady in charge. shes just ignorant. So i dont think im going to West Chester university anymore. Id rather do an online thing anyhow.
I found this website, where it tells you what twitter people unfollow you, mention you, etc. So im unfollowing all the ignorant people who dont want to read my tweets anymore. guess i bore some of them. hahah. Yeah im like that, im one of those people who have to get you back to feel better when i feel hurt. I guess it can seem childish, im not even like that all the time. I just think that when i get my feelings hurt, - i wanna make that person feel shitty, i know im like ten years old right. lol oh well, its one of my bad things, dont have that many . 
I dont know why men dont understand directions, i mean just little life things, not building a city or acing a physics test. when you tell your man you need more , more words, more i love yous, more you are great hun, anything, i mean i feel loved in other ways but that is lacking and i really respond to that. So when i tell him, straight up, almost exactly what to say, for years lol, and he doesnt do it, why is he suprised that im not extra lovable all the time. I need it and hes gotta learn the hard way. 
Anyhow im going for now. going to see how i can suddenly come up with alot of money in a short period of time lol- yeah right.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Latte Mommy: Theres a hurricaine forecasted!

The Latte Mommy: Theres a hurricaine forecasted!: w hat else can go wrong? When it rains it pours, hmm what other little sayings are there for "Im screwed , again"  It just makes me want to ...

The Latte Mommy: Theres a hurricaine forecasted!

The Latte Mommy: Theres a hurricaine forecasted!: w hat else can go wrong? When it rains it pours, hmm what other little sayings are there for "Im screwed , again"  It just makes me want to ...

Theres a hurricaine forecasted!

what else can go wrong? When it rains it pours, hmm what other little sayings are there for "Im screwed , again"  It just makes me want to go crawl under a rock. Its my own fault, i f'd it up, big time. You know when your friends are like, "im so broke, i have no money" and you know they are exaggerating, and they are fine, well, im not one of those people. I am broke. not a dime. Lets just say, i paid the rent on Friday for $xy and the check didn't clear yet. I checked my online acct today, now i knew i didn't have alot of money but i just checked it and it has $xy- xyz. Get it? Yeah right, im in the negative, in the red ($xyz).. So, if you can add, subtract, blah blah, you'll now realize that the rent check wont clear, well it will clear, but i will also pay a nice $105.oo overdraft fee to my f'd up bank. Yeah and then i have nothing left and i just got paid Friday, not to be paid again for 2 weeks. Hmm , ok. now what, what ingenious idea can i come up with this time. I already did this last pay, and its worse before it gets better. Like i said, my fault. i forgot to put my vacation time in when i was off, and my manager oh so friendly like, didn't care to notice that i was getting paid for 8 of the 48hours per pay that i work. What does she think im Trump and don't need to be paid. Its not her job but really, thanks! 

So as i sit here and cry (sorry, but i cant help it)  Then of course i go into to the "why me, why cant i be taken care of? Why wasn't i taken care of when i was left alone to raise 2 boys alone, did i say alone?  Was i really dismissed, , turned away, untrusted  or overlooked that easily. It would seem i would be a priority being im alone with the boys. im so tired of trying, of fighting , of figuring out all of life's problems.  I just want to be happy, or content, something other than i am, but like i said, when it rains it pours and its a hurricane out there. I just need some shelter, or even an umbrella.