Friday, July 29, 2011

The Latte Mommy: A quick update!!

The Latte Mommy: A quick update!!: "HEY all, so yesterday, i was grouchy, i dont remember if i told you, i was irritable, mean, sensitive to touch, etc. I had increased my viib..."

A quick update!!

HEY all, so yesterday, i was grouchy, i dont remember if i told you, i was irritable, mean, sensitive to touch, etc. I had increased my viibryd to 20mg as ordered but had stopped the other .Well i woke up today and im still grouchy, sensitive to touch- its sad but cute- my one boy loves to snuggle with me alot , ya know on the couch he'll just put his head on arm etxc. I guess i taught him to be like that! Im a snuggler , cuddler, so ive been like- no honey, not right now and hes all like "What?" . So i explained that it wasnt him ,it was me and the new medications i started are making me feel that way. He's like- well what are you gonna do? I said, "IM stopping the medicine, and he said, Good . I said, how could i not be a cuddler. so hes waiting for me to get back to normal. Isnt that sad?  One problem, ive come to a conclusion that its not just the new meds making me feel this way inside. Its the fact that this happened before- when i went off of my prozac. I've been off of it now for about a month and im realizing that although it didnt make me HAPPY, it made me feel "not like this" sad face, right now. IM trying hard to fight this feeling but its like a pit in my stomach.
So, ill call doc, stat!! gotta go, ill write later!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Im feeling - not so bad!

So, Another day, the crapiness from yesterday prevailed today but not as bad.Im just so confused as to what is causing it. Im like 10 days off of the pristiq and i think im done with those symptoms. So now its either between the new AD- viibryd or Geodon(mood stabilizer) . I dont know which one b/c i started both at the same time- noooo my doctor advise me this would be a good idea, but you know me, gotta jump the gun. So im in a predicament. By my choice im stopping the Geodon, because he told me to start the viibryd first!  Im hoping this is going to work out. I mean , besides the irritability, i feel a little more alive, want to do a few things here and there, etc.
Im still not sleeping right at all. Still backwards, but hey im not sleeping 24/7 which i went through a few weeks ago. I mean half the time im sleeping till like 2-4p in the afternoon and then im awake and i dont want to go to bed at a normal time. I want to just keep going, so i do. You know i really should just stop complaining about it, its my choice, its what im doing and im ok with it. So just shush it!  I think its just strange to other people, so now i know! i wont tell anyone hahah. obviously when the boys go back to school, im really going to HAVE to get us all on the same schedule. Gotta get up early, and get shit done during the day, take care of afterschool stuff, dinner, homework etc and then ill go to bed by 11p. that should work. Its a long day but i can nap if i want- the problem with me and naps is that i over indulge. An hour would suffice but i sleep like 3-4 hrs and then get alllll screwed up. So yeah, ill start that when they go back. about a month to go.
What sucks is that i really want to vacuum but i think id wake everyone up. Ill just keep on with the organizing and straightening.
So i just looked up the half life of geodon is 7 hours. Well i took it 24 hours ago. So half was out 9am and then half of that at 4p, half of that at 11p, at 6 am will be half that and the last half at 1p. Kewl. Its just that it reaches steady state at 1-3 days and i took it for 7 so, well its ok, it should be gone by tomorrow! SO if im still irritable on the weekend, ill be beginning to think its the viibryd and ill be PISSED.  Im having to take xanax during the day and i dont usually have to!! ok i may write in a bit.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Crappy Mood

Im in a crappy mood, im in a good mood on my own i mean, its just everyone else in this house is DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! I dont know why exactly. Its just everyone seems edgy , maybe its cause the heat is making us not do much. But still, come on. I need to get these kids out of the house and doing something. I think i need to take a shower, bc im so freakin irritable . Blah blah blah, sometimes i just want NO NOISE. Its just like everyone is bitchin about something, get over it, im the one that does everything around here, im the one that pays for EVERYTHING. and thats not a generalization, thats the truth. Im the one that cleans, makes sure everything is done, makes and brings them to all the appointments, pays the rent, car payment, insurance , to make sure we all live. SHUT UP .
If someone has a complaint about the computer, shut up, i paid for it, its mine, we wouldnt have it to complain about if it werent for me. i dont even use it,- the big hp touchscreen awesome 1000 computer, no i sit here on my laptop- god freakin forbid. SHUT UP. i bought your iphone, sorry its freezing up, most kids dont have one. blah blah blah.


Monday, July 25, 2011

Alert: Impulsive shopper on the loose!!!

Enough! I've got to stop it now. I've gotten grossly involved in researching on the net, on one of my usual topics- ADHD. I have it but my 12yr old was just recently diagnosed and it was a HORRIBLE school year- so now we have diagnosis and he is on meds and I cant have another year like last- esp since my 10 yr old is starting a new school and i dont know what is in store for him. So anyway, ive been researching vigorously all night- 10 tabs open on the laptop, and clicking Paypal every time i found something great to download that will help. I think i spent alot of money in the past 12 hours. Damn- i hate it when i do this. I mean i guess its like buying books- and anything that is enriching my knowledge base and will help my son ( and me too!) is worth it. I can convince myself pretty easily huh.
Then my eyes keep wandering to the apple site and i keep wanting the white iphone4. I have the 3gs now and its just beat. I need a new phone. I think im eligible for upgrade in sept, but I CANT wait that long! Torture. So who knows, by the end of the week, who knows. I can give my phone to my son, just without the phone. Thats what he wants anyway and why buy the little guy an expensive, breakable new ipod touch when i can hand down mine and get a sparkling spanking new white one!!!
Damn, i wanted to go to Target today too. What is wrong with me, Im overtired, overstimulated and impulsively shopping away. I'll stop now. No more, for real. Im strong enough - HMM maybe a Caramel Frappuccino  (sp?) from Starbucks would cure a latte mommy. LOL.

Lots of organizing to do- ADD issues

I hate it when i let it get like this. OUT OF CONTROL with the paperwork. Since we live in a "luxury apartment home" hehe, there isnt alot of extra room. So i guess i made my "woman cave" on the far side of the sofa by the window. I have my laptop on the coffee table , actually i take up the whole coffee table, and then to my left is a basket with pretty folders, organizers, planners, envelopes, etc- get the drift. Now if thats not enough, i have papers and magazines covering the floor between the sofa and my big basket!! Its so much. Thats one of my big problems, i try so hard to organize i overdo it on buying organizing tools. I like pretty, colorful ones, supposedly useful to my ADD- HMMM? Every now and then i go through all this stuff and actually organize it lol. Right now, its at a low point.
And btw, did i tell you about a month ago when i decided it would be a good idea to sell jewelry! OMG, i havent committed myself to something like that in a long time. Knowing as i was doing it that i had reservations in the back of my head. Should have listened to myself. So i tried and paid the money for the jewelry- like 200 or something and apparently i didnt fill it all out so i ended up with a big box of order sheets, catalogs, phamplets, cards, you name it, but NO jewelry hahah. Anyway i still havent fixed this issue and now i absolutely positively dont want to be committed to anything more than i have to be!! Hopefully i'll get most of my money back. Impulsiveness not controlled SUCKS. And as im thinking of this, ive secretly been very upset that i cant find my planner, calendar, im pretending im not upset, like its here somewhere, but What if its not? SHIT. Maybe if i straightened up this mess id find it.
And now im seeing all the back to school sales, i dont think i need much, but the impulsive shopper that i am cant hold back. UGH. I have so much to do. Make dentist, doctor etc appts, get forms filled out, make the boys READ. This is such a challenge, thank god i only work weekends. Well i guess id better get organizing while my brain appears to be awake.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Scared now to try

Now that i have my new med regime, im scared to try the one lol. Im never scared of meds, - ok well in that little blip of time, i took it (FYI). I have taken 100 different medicines i think ( being dramatic) and none of them were HORRIBLE- well maybe one or two. but overall just either they didnt work or were annoying with side effects. i just hate the unknown. Like everything ive read says this one causes drowsiness, people cant get out of bed when starting it, now thats not everyone but majority. My doc- and hes a smart guy, in fact hes a (i forget the word) a shrink that specializes in medicines, so he knows his shit. Anyhow, he told me it may be , what word did he use? uplifting? i think that was it. Now does tiredness equate to uplifting in any manner? Not in my dictionary. But also, it takes alot of something to really give me a side effect anymore. I remember he gave me a med a few months ago and was like, "yes this will definitely make you sleep" . I took it and didnt feel a thing. I've just become immune to alot , including my latte. For as much as i drink i should be buzzing around - nope. i can drink it all day and fall asleep.  So i guess i took it about half hour ago, maybe less, but so far, nothing. LOL, i laugh at it!! I better stop that hehe.
So from what ive read, this med will either "be the best thing that happened to me!" or "make me feel anxious, irritable and nasty" HMM which one will it be? LOL.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Latte Mommy: OK OK< im back!

The Latte Mommy: OK OK< im back!: "Im back, i never really left, but i was in a pissy mood. Now i feel somewhat better. I've been so down, slept the last 3 days , i mean i was..."

OK OK< im back!

Im back, i never really left, but i was in a pissy mood. Now i feel somewhat better. I've been so down, slept the last 3 days , i mean i was up for a little but basically asleep. Depression sucks, makes you sleep when you didnt think you had any sleep left in you. I saw my shrink today. Adjusted my meds AGAIN> Will we ever get it right? Im off the Pristiq, thank god, now i just am left with electrical surges in my brain, hopefully it wont last too long. He put me back on my Adderall and increased my Vyvanse- im ok with that. Starting a new AD- Viibryd. Its brand spanking new. Im actually the first one to get it filled at my pharmacy- wow , a real guinea pig!! Guess we will see huh. Secondly he put me on Geodon, a mood stabilizer. I thought it would make me tired, but he told me the opposite, do these doctors really know half the side effects of the meds they perscribe? . I'll figure that one out on my own.
We are still trying to figure out why im continuing to sleep on the couch every night and have no regular sleep schedule. We know im doing it on purpose and there is no reason i cant sleep in my bed and take my sleep meds like i used to. But im fighting it. He thinks its because i can escape the world if im ass backwards. If i wake up and have a normal day, it means facing the depression, facing the pain, facing the anger i still have towards Mike, my husband that died a year ago- of cancer. Im still pissed at him, for alot of reasons, guess i havent gotten past that stage of grief- maybe i really do need to see someone for bereavement. Maybe i cant do it all alone. Maybe im really not superwoman.
I know i can change these habits i started, i know im strong enough - ive got to take the first step. I have a great bed, i bought a new mattress pad- pillowtop, 600 thread count, etc. i bought a new pillow, i bought a new quilt, i have my trazadone and xanax. Why cant i do what i used to LOVE to do. Get in my jammies, take my meds, and watch tv till i fell asleep in my big cozy bed. It used to be heaven. Instead i sleep on a couch- very comfy tho- with a blanket ???
I would like to thank my new follower, She came right when i needed, and although it seems trivial, its not. Its the little things in life, that count sometimes. Anyway, i hope she does start blogging again.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Calling it quits

The Latte Mommy: Calling it quits: "It sucks, i dont think im going to do this anymore, its been fun, but no one even reads or comments, i follow a whole lot of blogs, and they..."

Calling it quits

It sucks, i dont think im going to do this anymore, its been fun, but no one even reads or comments, i follow a whole lot of blogs, and they get all these comments and followers and i got none, zilch, nada, If i wanna write a diary, ill do it and keep it personal. Thanks all. lol,

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Dont question my mental illness!!!

Like its not bad enough that we have to deal with the fact that some of us are depressed or anxious or.... Bipolar. But please please dont question my mental illness. I have two specific instances when this happened, and it pissed me off. Now its not like im going around yelling ' hey im bipolar!!' but of course my family knows and some friends may know that i have had problems with depression over the years.And it is who i am, and at the age of 39- im quite comfortable with who i am, and what i look like and how i think. Im me!
So the first instance was, my good ole momma.  I'm sitting here reading a blog of one of my favorites- The Bipolar Diva- minding my own business after a long day at work. My mom was there watching the kids for me. So she glances over at my laptop and says, " you know i dont think you are bipolar, or that what  that borderline personality, i think really you are just depressed, are you happy with x? ( my boyfriend of 5 yrs) . AHH The nerve. I cant even remember right now if i even came back at her, i think i just got up and walked away. OHH i forgot shes the psychiatrist, the professional, the DOCTOR>
The second instance was just today.  As you may or may not know, i started a new AD- Pristiq ( effexor with new patent) and im not sure what i think of it. But i do know it is causing me to have hot episodes and sweating, which DRIVES ME CRAZY, I dont know if the med is even working, but its not working well enough to tolerate the sweating.  So i was mentioning this sweating thing to my gf at work. And she is a great girl, just has different views on some things than i, she tells me i drink too much coffee- AS if there is such a thing hahah. but there are other things, anyhow, she says to me, " well do you really even need it? why do you need it, you dont need it."  AHHH , she sees me at work every weekend where i pretty much just get by my 2 12hr shifts with a wink of sleep and im on autopilot- and im outgoing and talkative usually- it passes the time lol. I didnt even know how to respond, i did somehow like, she doesnt know me that well, etc. We talked about bipolar- with another nurse friend, and she was like, "well i have mood swings too, i get sad too" OMG OMG please dont these people know, its so not the same, and until you live and feel the effects of these problems, you have no idea what you are talking about.
Sometimes i wonder, what do people see , how different is it from what i feel inside . Do i hide it that well. do i function or fake my ADD symptoms so that no one knows the mess going on in my head and my house lol. 
Oh well, i certainly know how i feel.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Its 2am

I had a great time shopping, although my son did nothing but rush me along. Note to self, dont bring boys on leisure shopping trip. So i bought the usual food stuff, cleaning products, and then i bought myself a new blanket- remember im trying to get my bedroom back to par, with the new pillowtop mattress pad etc. So its a really soft, egyptian cotton light cocoa colored blanket/quilt. I put it on top of my comforter and layered it down so its at the bottom, b/c i love the feel of my comforter against my skin to sleep. no sheet b/t us. Its the best comforter ever, perfect heaviness, etc. I do miss my bed. I;ve just got to make the rest of my bedroom feel like my bed. Heavenly.
So i cleaned alot, with my new cleaning products, looked at some mail, and now im sitting here on the couch watching Sex and the City - from 2000. with my laptop and my one cat, Ivory, the one that never leaves my side- even when i threaten her. Cleaning around here is never finished tho.
And i cant believe tomorrow is Friday, the day before my work weekend. the dreaded 2 12's. Get ready for the backache, and the footache and the inability to sleep more than an hour or two.
Now im hungry, realizing i didnt eat anything today. snackwells caramel popcorn yummy what a meal....
i guess shopping did help after all.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Lets try the shopping!!

Well, last night into today wasnt great, but it was better than the days before. Im still down and yuck, i have a big pimple on my chin, pimples make me feel so ugly and gross. Just what i need right now. The more i try to cover it up, the worse it looks.
So i figured id write this post while im holding the ice cube wrapped in a napkin onto the huge monstrosity on my face. I do find that when i stay in my home all day, i get more depressed. The window is open, blinds open, daylight is showing, but i feel like a hermit. So im going to have to do something about it.
I know i said that even shopping isnt doing it for me, well that is just not right!!! What was i thinking, i love to shop. Shopping just makes me happy, whether it be the 100th pack of pencils with strawberries and balloons on them(kid in me) or cleaning supplies or anything, I just love to shop. So, im taking it on, head on.
I'll bring my 10yr old with me, after all , he tells me "Target has video games" as if.... I'll stop and get a caramel cappuccino- cold, and then head off to Targetland.  I did end up taking my Pristiq today. I didnt want to but until i have an alternative or something to add to it, im not going to give up , YET. Im already sweating , nasty side effect of it!
So, ill let you know how it goes,

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Latte Mommy: I gotta get rid of this feeling!!!

The Latte Mommy: I gotta get rid of this feeling!!!: "Im so miserable, im really trying to put on the happy face, for the kids- while im awake that is. Im starting to get this feeling in the pi..."

I gotta get rid of this feeling!!!

Im so miserable, im really trying to put on the happy face, for the kids- while im awake that is.  Im starting to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, i know it all too well. I cant describe it, its just an ugly feeling.  I used to get it alot, then when my meds are right, and i feel good, its gone, like its never been there before. I cant stand it tho, its just knawing and unsettling and uncomfortable and i WANT IT GONE!!! I took a xanax, dont know or remember if that helps or not. Worth a try tho.
I dont think this new AD -Pristiq, (the new effexor) is working. Its not doing a damn thing. I've been taking it for 2 weeks and i feel nothing but extra nothing. I dont want to keep taking it, but i dont want to just stop. I'll put in another call to my shrink tomorrow. I dont have my appt till the end of next week and thats too long. I know in my heart of hearts that nothing, no pill, no combo, will ever make me feel what i ache to feel- settled . Im always bouncing back and forth, and the bad is staying longer these times, its getting harder to bounce back. Im stuck.
I feel so guilty that im wasting all this time with the boys, they need me. They just lost their dad a year ago, im supposed to be making up for it somehow. I cant even feel like a good mom right now. Im going to take the boys out to the diner to eat dinner tonight. That is all they want, something simple, just to get out and do something different, but its SO HARD for me. WHY?? Why is it so freakin hard to get up and out of the house and get dinner, shit i dont even have to worry about cooking. But its killing me even thinking about it. When did this come full circle, i wasnt always this way.
I know it doesnt seem like it but im trying so hard to be right, its like i have to convince myself and i cant even do that. I feel worthless today.

The Latte Mommy: Shopping isnt doing it!

The Latte Mommy: Shopping isnt doing it!: "You know its bad, when shopping isnt even doing it for me!! God, im depressed. Here i am, where i always am, ass backwards, awake while all ..."

Shopping isnt doing it!

You know its bad, when shopping isnt even doing it for me!! God, im depressed. Here i am, where i always am, ass backwards, awake while all is asleep. In my own little world, alone. Im realizing that i dont even have any good girlfriends , not even ones i havent met, in the online world where you can always make a best friend. Not me.  Im alone. Im always alone. Alone in my happiness along with my sorrow.  I dont know what im doing wrong, well obviously everything, nothing is right. Nothing is ever right. Its black and white, back to that. the gray i thought id found is gone. And shopping always makes me happy. WTF.. Damn i guess its gotten that bad.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Im awake!!

The Latte Mommy: Im awake!!: "Well i finally woke up, kinda, and its Tuesday evening. I was pretty much awake, thursday night to sunday night and worked 24 of those hours..."

Im awake!!

Well i finally woke up, kinda, and its Tuesday evening. I was pretty much awake, thursday night to sunday night and worked 24 of those hours. I think im doing fine, know i shouldnt be up that long and then CRASH. Asleep, for a day, at least i was on the couch. So im waking up now, and the cycle begins again. I saw the phone ring yesterday and it was my shrink returning my call about how my meds arent right. I was so tired i couldnt even answer the phone. So, i'll just continue to take the new AD until we speak.
Did i tell you i've been sleeping on the couch since December, i dont know why. I used to love my bed! I know it all started when i couldnt get up in the morning to take the kids to school and they missed a bit. So, i started either staying up all night so i'd be up in the morning( silly i know) but it worked!! Then i'd sleep while they were at school and the cycle would repeat night after night. The couch happens to be really comfy, so i made it my bed. I can sleep there and feel like im not away from the family, in my room secluded, its strange. This is definately contributing to my backwards schedule. Its not doing me any good.
Well i broke down and bought myself a new pillow from BBB online of course , the best way to shop. And a new pillowtop mattress pad, very nice, very high thread count etc etc. $$$. So the plan is to put it all on the bed tonight, get it nice and cozy, take my bedtime meds- which i have seemed to give up on, why i dont know. And go to bed, well it will have to be late b/c i just woke up and all. BUt im gonna try. I cant do this anymore. I've got to get my schedule right.
and im kinda pissy b/c my dryer broke this weekend. Its fixed now but when i told the office ( i live in "luxury" apartments- could be way more luxurious if you ask me but i guess its the best around right now! Anyway, i mentioned the toilet seat in the boys bathroom was broken and i needed a new one. Well the dryer is fixed but no new toilet seat. wtf. thats why i pay ALL THIS MONEY to live here. So, i dont have to do this shit. And they advertise 24hr maintenance , well why did it take more than 24hrs for them to come look at the dryer ?  And you know how i mentioned all the shit i had to look through, file, do, with paperwork etc. I still didnt do it. I hate it when i procrastinate, i always end up getting shit on.
thanks for the comments, it made my day!!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Another weekend

The Latte Mommy: Another weekend: "Well its Friday night, that means another work weekend has arrived, my 2 12hr shifts. I know it doesnt seem like much work to people, but it..."

Another weekend

Well its Friday night, that means another work weekend has arrived, my 2 12hr shifts. I know it doesnt seem like much work to people, but it is some hard laborious work. On my feet all day, walking , then its pulling 200-300 dead weight and all the various equipment attached to them.  Not that i need a man to do my job but we all are little girls in my ICU, small, strong- but little . It takes a toll on you after what- 15yrs so far. My back has had it. I get home from work and im done! Calling the heating pad and the bath. So by Monday im so exhausted- now add on to that my (psych/med ) issues at the moment.
Im in the middle of switching up meds, need a mood stabilizer and my add meds arent fine tuned at the moment. Could it get worse lol. probably.
Sometimes i could care less what i look like at work, scrubs, clogs, etc but i think when i feel pretty- like my hair /makeup looks good and i have pink scrubs on- instead of hospital blue- i seem to work a lil better. I need to remember that at 530am lol
Ive been doing wash since last night- where did it all come from? I have so much mail, paperwork to file, to get finished, to start. Im such a procrastinator (add) . I'll tell you, i bought 5 good books a couple months ago and i cant read anymore. I start and i lose focus, i used to be such an avid reader. I really need to get this med thing settled.
ta ta for now.
Luv T.

Friday, July 8, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Back from the beach

The Latte Mommy: Back from the beach: "Well I did mention stuff to my shrink and he changed some of my meds- a week later and i feel horrible. I dragged my ass to the shore (yearl..."

Back from the beach

Well I did mention stuff to my shrink and he changed some of my meds- a week later and i feel horrible. I dragged my ass to the shore (yearly thing with the kids, parents, step sis). I never really want to go (multitude of reasons) but i always end up doing it for a few days = for the kids. This year was really bad for me tho. I think it was the switching of my meds, i've never been so tired in all my life. I slept 75% of the time there. I went to bed EARLY. That in itself is bad- didnt arise till 2p. Totally ditched the beach thing. boardwalk one night, and sleep  sleep sleep. It was quite depressing,
Its strange too, being home has made me feel a little better, i was seriously going through major LATTE withdrawl. And to top it off Tassimo didnt make its delivery while i was gone so i get home and had to go back out to get my latte!! Im on cup number 2. Waking up with a headache everyday just sucks.
Doc appt tomorrow, i'll clear some stuff up! back to normal before no time!!