Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I gotta get rid of this feeling!!!

Im so miserable, im really trying to put on the happy face, for the kids- while im awake that is.  Im starting to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, i know it all too well. I cant describe it, its just an ugly feeling.  I used to get it alot, then when my meds are right, and i feel good, its gone, like its never been there before. I cant stand it tho, its just knawing and unsettling and uncomfortable and i WANT IT GONE!!! I took a xanax, dont know or remember if that helps or not. Worth a try tho.
I dont think this new AD -Pristiq, (the new effexor) is working. Its not doing a damn thing. I've been taking it for 2 weeks and i feel nothing but extra nothing. I dont want to keep taking it, but i dont want to just stop. I'll put in another call to my shrink tomorrow. I dont have my appt till the end of next week and thats too long. I know in my heart of hearts that nothing, no pill, no combo, will ever make me feel what i ache to feel- settled . Im always bouncing back and forth, and the bad is staying longer these times, its getting harder to bounce back. Im stuck.
I feel so guilty that im wasting all this time with the boys, they need me. They just lost their dad a year ago, im supposed to be making up for it somehow. I cant even feel like a good mom right now. Im going to take the boys out to the diner to eat dinner tonight. That is all they want, something simple, just to get out and do something different, but its SO HARD for me. WHY?? Why is it so freakin hard to get up and out of the house and get dinner, shit i dont even have to worry about cooking. But its killing me even thinking about it. When did this come full circle, i wasnt always this way.
I know it doesnt seem like it but im trying so hard to be right, its like i have to convince myself and i cant even do that. I feel worthless today.