Sunday, July 28, 2013
One thing that is really strange is that I used to have this "tic" as they are called, its like a movement that you cannot help doing know matter how hard you try, its annoying and distracting , etc get the hint. Well mine is like chewing the side of my mouth, looks like im chewing gum but im not. I end up hurting my mouth and tongue tho and its nonstop. They say its the unwanted side effect of certain medications that you may have taken in the past/ Its best to stop the drug but that doesn't mean the side effect will go away. I was living with this for a long time and it creates SOOO much anxiety in me. Im taking a medication that somehow holds it down, makes the tic stop, most of the time. Now it stopped for a couple years and now it started again., seems to me the med has nothing to do with it, but i dont know what to do. Ive seen docs etc. no treatment for tics really! So, i thought maybe stress, but im not more stressed now lmao.. or maybe its body stress, my face is breaking out alot. I dont know its just hard to live like this. constantly biting the inside of my mouth until im so sore i cant talk. So there's my grouch for today. And pay attention to your medication side effects, they may just come true
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I don't know what is wrong with me anymore. I guess its just life, stress and the realization that now at 41, everything is on the rocks. I mean im like thinking that life should have been set on cruise by now considering the life i led up until now. I had enough life events, enough drama enough loss, hard work etc. Like somewhere down the line, my life made a left turn and it hasnt ever gotten back on track. I can definitely name specific circumstances that made an impact on my life, either i learned from it or just dealt with it but it looks from the outside that im repeating shit. Am i that stressed, like what happened?
Sunday, July 14, 2013
INow I remember why I don't have any friends. It's the borderline personality in me. It's the fear of rejection , and the feelings I get when I feel even a twinge of rejection. I throw myself all in and I guess I expect too much in return. Then when I don't get it I get hurt too bad. It's not even worth it. I feel sometimes that I'm so desperate to have a friend that ill jump through hoops to keep them. Not intentionally but my kind hear redness just takes over and I'm happy to make someone else happy. It's really no big deal for me but it seems I get forgotten about way too easily. It just doesn't seem fair. I give and I get stepped on. All for wanting a friend. Is it even worth it to try. I don't think so bc I've learned this lesson before , just not well enough. I don't want much just not to feel like I'm being used , to feel a genuine friendship in return. I guess this is the last time because I'd rather just go on bring a loner than to keep getting hurt over and over and it's like there is no gray area. It's black or white. So I give up now again forever this time