Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Am i really bipolar?

The Latte Mommy: Am i really bipolar?: "Why do i even post? Why do i pour my emotions out on these pages, no one reads them! No one comments, good or bad. I just want some type of ..."

Am i really bipolar?

Why do i even post? Why do i pour my emotions out on these pages, no one reads them! No one comments, good or bad. I just want some type of response, like - you are boring lol, or yes i agree, or wow that sucks. I guess its more like a "dear diary" for now. It does help to get it out there sometimes.
Now, on to the topic, i have a history of depression, and anxiety and this and that, lol. Big family history as well. Its hard to say that most medications even work for me. About 6 yrs ago, i had "an episode" and was labeled "bipolar" by my psychiatrist. Well lets say he was a psychiatrist, not mine. He barely knew me. I was put on mood stabilizers blah blah, nothing worked, they zombified me tho!! Since then i dont think i even considered myself bipolar, i havent been on meds for it. Ive been on antidepressants, etc but even that doesnt help me much. I do know that when im up, im up and when im down, im down. When i feel good, i think i get on peoples nerves- im too loud, too outspoken, too sarcastic, too much so without a filter. And when im down, im sleeping, im exhausted, im crying, im blah, and everyone notices that as well. There never seems to be a happy medium. That is all i want, not to feel depressed and not to feel over the top. Well over the top feels much better, but i always seem to come down, and thats when its so hard.  I'll tell you, this up and down rollercoaster of a life i have is downright exhausting. It in itself is depressing. I cant tolerate the up and down shit anymore.
Add to it the fact that i have ADD, just makes it that much worse. Do you know how many half ass projects i have. how many ideas i have that get written down on a list and then just sit. How many things i want to do and plan out with the kids only to fall back into a depressive state and they never come to fruition. How many appointments i miss, either because i  sleep through it or b/c i just dont have it in me to go. How much wasted money ive spent . Its just not a way to live. How many GRAND ideas i have, and impulsively jump on , waste my money and things just sit there. How i sit there and just look at piles of unopened mail, only to open it and see ive missed deadlines, my car insurance had run out the day before, i owe late fees. Its ruined me over and over.
So, instead of ignoring the "bipolar" diagnosis i have once received, i am going to bring it up at my shrink appt tomorrow. because if thats the case, then im really not being treated effectively, and its about time i did, i have to take care of myself, because no one else will!!!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Latte Mommy: I feel so old sometimes! UGH

The Latte Mommy: I feel so old sometimes! UGH: "As soon as i hit my mid 30's i saw it coming around the bend, you know, - closer to 40 than 30, the end of feeling 'young'. that place that ..."

I feel so old sometimes! UGH

As soon as i hit my mid 30's i saw it coming around the bend, you know, - closer to 40 than 30, the end of feeling "young". that place that no one wants to go, but hey its a part of life. I mean people still mistake me for late 20's early 30's ( not just all my patients in the ICU either!!) When i say im 39 i get the "OH , you look so young" . At first i didnt like it, then i was like, hey this isnt so bad . Mostly because i still feel young, at heart and mind lol.  I still think of myself as if im in my 20's- My mind feels so young.
But as Im nearing 40 haha, my body is laughing at me. and my mind is getting pissed. Im having an internal fight over what age i really am, i swear i never felt so worn out from a days work, a really thorough cleaning or a roll in the hay (TMI) i know.
Its just scary to think that it only gets worse, i think one of the main reasons is my profession. Nursing is very psychical, you are turning, lifting, pulling, bending, all sorts of weights-( most of it dead weight at that)- no pun intended! I often wonder how long i;ll be able to do this, feeling like a truck hit you as you are trying to relax after your 2nd  12 hour shift isnt a good feeling.
I guess as long as i stay young at heart, my body will try and keep up! I hope... 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Doctors suck- written by an RN!!!!- Pain rant

The Latte Mommy: Doctors suck- written by an RN!!!!- Pain rant: "So I took my mom to a new pain specialist- waste of time. I swear doctors dont listen half the time. Especially as im a nurse i see how its ..."

Doctors suck- written by an RN!!!!- Pain rant

So I took my mom to a new pain specialist- waste of time. I swear doctors dont listen half the time. Especially as im a nurse i see how its like they all have ADD- cant focus on you for more than 5 minutes!! And i also see the way pain management is "handled" and it sucks. I swear they all look at patients with pain as "drug seeking" well- Shit yeah they are drug seeking!! They are seeking something to actually control their pain and allow them to function in life! If they acknowledge the pain, why cant they acknowledge that you are telling them if it doesnt work. Isnt the goal to make the patient comfortable- but noooo- they are the all and mighty DOCTOR
Its just really frustrating! they call you a "Doctor Shopper" if you switch up doctors, well we have the right to see any doctor we want, until we are satisfied with our treatment plan. We should be doctor shopping, not settling for anyone- they are in charge of our health care, our ability to live or die. Christ, so now its on to the next doctor- I agreed with her, b/c i went in to the appt with her, that his attitude sucked.With what he gave her, he didnt relieve her pain, I told her to try his regimen, which she is but its like now she is still in pain. It barely decreased it.
Hope we have more luck next time!!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Feeling down and out!

The Latte Mommy: Feeling down and out!: "Well school is out, we got through this horrible year, actually one year to Mike's death is coming soon , July 1st. Not a day i want to reme..."

Feeling down and out!

Well school is out, we got through this horrible year, actually one year to Mike's death is coming soon , July 1st. Not a day i want to remember but one i will never forget. I've become very somber lately, just not me, well me in a way but not the way i know i can be (get it?) Im just so emotionally, mentally,physically exhausted. I know i need to keep the boys moving, learning etc, they cant just play video games all summer- well they could and would!! I need some motivation, and numerous lattes are not cutting it lol! I guess its time for another type of adjustment in my life. Im just so inconsistent. And i want to be just the opposite. I yearn for it, crave it, organization, motivation, energy, spirit, etc. Nothing- i check again, Nothing!