Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Am i really bipolar?

Why do i even post? Why do i pour my emotions out on these pages, no one reads them! No one comments, good or bad. I just want some type of response, like - you are boring lol, or yes i agree, or wow that sucks. I guess its more like a "dear diary" for now. It does help to get it out there sometimes.
Now, on to the topic, i have a history of depression, and anxiety and this and that, lol. Big family history as well. Its hard to say that most medications even work for me. About 6 yrs ago, i had "an episode" and was labeled "bipolar" by my psychiatrist. Well lets say he was a psychiatrist, not mine. He barely knew me. I was put on mood stabilizers blah blah, nothing worked, they zombified me tho!! Since then i dont think i even considered myself bipolar, i havent been on meds for it. Ive been on antidepressants, etc but even that doesnt help me much. I do know that when im up, im up and when im down, im down. When i feel good, i think i get on peoples nerves- im too loud, too outspoken, too sarcastic, too much so without a filter. And when im down, im sleeping, im exhausted, im crying, im blah, and everyone notices that as well. There never seems to be a happy medium. That is all i want, not to feel depressed and not to feel over the top. Well over the top feels much better, but i always seem to come down, and thats when its so hard.  I'll tell you, this up and down rollercoaster of a life i have is downright exhausting. It in itself is depressing. I cant tolerate the up and down shit anymore.
Add to it the fact that i have ADD, just makes it that much worse. Do you know how many half ass projects i have. how many ideas i have that get written down on a list and then just sit. How many things i want to do and plan out with the kids only to fall back into a depressive state and they never come to fruition. How many appointments i miss, either because i  sleep through it or b/c i just dont have it in me to go. How much wasted money ive spent . Its just not a way to live. How many GRAND ideas i have, and impulsively jump on , waste my money and things just sit there. How i sit there and just look at piles of unopened mail, only to open it and see ive missed deadlines, my car insurance had run out the day before, i owe late fees. Its ruined me over and over.
So, instead of ignoring the "bipolar" diagnosis i have once received, i am going to bring it up at my shrink appt tomorrow. because if thats the case, then im really not being treated effectively, and its about time i did, i have to take care of myself, because no one else will!!!