Thursday, May 31, 2012
Im wondering why my ADHD sometimes get out of control, when my meds havent changed and i thought i was on the right path. I seem to get into a funk that lasts a few days, i dont want to touch anything. Then comes the next days where i freak out b/c nothing is in the right place, wash isnt put away, piles of mail are sitting , so i go full force and try to fix it all, irritated all the while but pleased when i finish. So why cant i stay like that all the time, or at least 90%. Life seems to be throwing some curve balls at me but im not one to hide from that, i keep on, just go go go. Lately ive been trying to figure out what it is that im missing, i think i just devote so much of my thinking to my kids or my home or my job that i lost the woman i was. I have lost interest in alot of things i used to do. Finding happiness has become very hard and im searching high and low, but when i have a set back as above, and am inactive lol, for a few days, i lose sight of the goal and the prize. You cant really live when its half a week! I have been sad alot lately, tears now and then, which i hate to admit. Feels weak. I dont know, seems time has betrayed me, its a concept i cant put in more words than that, its a feeling i just know. I really miss Mike, more than anyone can imagine, and bc i dont talk about it much or advertise it, i dont think anyone really knows the depths of my sorrow, my soul was ripped in half and taken away. I;ll never get that back . I cant wallow in it, but its an unimaginable pain that i bear everyday, and looking at my children makes me both happy and sad. i see mike in them more every day. Bittersweet to say the least. Im going to try and find me again, i dont see another choice!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Have you looked at your life where you have been, what you've accomplished , where you are now ? Does it surprise you or make you proud? I do it every now and then. When I come to certain periods in my life, like now at the age of 40. I hate sounding ungrateful , I mean I have my health , a roof over my head , 2 great children , a car and parents. But something is definitely missing. This is really no where close to where I ever thought I would be. I guess I thought I would have more of a normal life. A house, my husband and happiness. Contentment. Thats what's missing the most. I'm not settled I'm not content I'm not done. So many things I'd thought I'd be doing or I thought I'd accomplish by now. I know I'm the only one that can change my life and I'm the only one to make things happen but I guess I've become stuck , not feeling able to make my dreams come true like I used to feel. I've lost the confidence and the fight I once had in me. It's scary to think that this is it. I can't imagine that this is where I will stay. That this is the extent oft happiness. It can't be. I suppose I need to really look in myself to find the answers and find what I need to keep going. It's so hard.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
There are so many things in life that i will just never understand, like how the washer and dryer can actually eat your socks and underwear, how when making an appt, 10am really means you have to be there at 930a or its cancelled, how so many people go on maury and steve wilkos talk shows and deny they molested or cheated, when they know they are gonna fail that lie detector test (my favorite is the trick in the green room!) for all you hard core maury fans! How is it that you can have a career in which you do so good, all good for years, yet one made up or embellished comment can ruin you in a day, how someone can say they love you and then leave you, how people can be so selfish and not use please and thankyou. I wonder why some people (the good ones) die horrible deaths and the bad people slide by. I really dont understand how people are your "friends" yet drop you on a dime, how coffee can make you crazy and me sleep. Why do some people get cancer and some dont. Why is there so much grief in life? why are we measured by our wealth?, why do basketball players make millions but paying overtime to a single mom nurse staying with her pt a little longer is a crime.Why some people lie ? HOw can someone have more than one personality in their bodies/minds. why do some people get to have out of body experiences and see the light, how can i have all this energy and you cant get off the couch. Why depression lasts so long. Is there more to life than this? is this it? is this all i should be doing?