why, why and why??

There are so many things in life that i will just never understand, like how the washer and dryer can actually eat your socks and underwear, how when making an appt, 10am really means you have to be there at 930a or its cancelled, how so many people go on maury and steve wilkos talk shows and deny they molested or cheated, when they know they are gonna fail that lie detector test (my favorite is the trick in the green room!) for all you hard core maury fans! How is it that you can have a career in which you do so good, all good for years, yet one made up or embellished comment can ruin you in a day, how someone can say they love you and then leave you, how people can be so selfish and not use please and thankyou. I wonder why some people (the good ones) die horrible deaths and the bad people slide by. I really dont understand how people are your "friends" yet drop you on a dime, how coffee can make you crazy and me sleep. Why do some people get cancer and some dont. Why is there so much grief in life? why are we measured by our wealth?, why do basketball players make millions but paying overtime to a single mom nurse staying with her pt a little longer is a crime.Why some people lie ? HOw can someone have more than one personality in their bodies/minds. why do some people get to have out of body experiences and see the light, how can i have all this energy and you cant get off the couch. Why depression lasts so long. Is there more to life than this? is this it? is this all i should be doing?

Ass backwards

Boys had their first day of school, it was bittersweet. Im excited for them and i think this year will really be different. Its got to be better than last year. Besides being the first couple of months after Mike died, a lot of other shit seemed to be going on. It , by far, was one of the worst years of my life, and i think theirs too. I feel guilty about that. But like i said, i think this year will be great. They are both in the same school!! Seem to be getting along pretty good right now too, like brothers lol.  Hopefully, since starting the ADD meds, my one son  wont have such a hard year, and i wont want to jump off a bridge when its homework time!!!
My sleep hasnt gotten any better. Last night i fell asleep around 2am and then i woke up at 430ish. I was wide awake and stayed up , got everything ready for school and got them to the bus on time. I came home and fell asleep around 930a and pretty much napped the day away. So now im awake at night AGAIN. I dont know if its even worth it to try and fix this, im trying to just accept it and go with the flow. No sense in having anxiety about it. I mean i havent gotten sick at all, ya know b/c my when your sleep is messed up, your resistance is down and you can get sick. Nope feel good! And i hate forcing myself to lie there , so i sleep when im tired. I obsess, haha
You know something that pisses me off, Ive been trying to sell these lottery tix for a fundraiser. Its for my friend who has cancer, there is a beef and beer this weekend and we were selling lottery tix for $20 each. And you could win, 10,000.  Thats a great prize, and $20 isnt that bad. So i brought them to work , well it was like i was trying to get you to give me their first born. My god, i didnt realize people were so cheap, or maybe im just too generous. Im sorry but esp for cancer, in a young person, 20 freakin dollars and when i would ask, people would just turn their heads, like they didnt hear me, some even just said no. I mean the people i work with have money, trust me, they have an extra 20 lying around for a charity. I was really disappointed in how it went down. Of course i made up for it by donating other great stuff and spent good time/money and even bought 2 lottery tix myself. You cant win if you dont play lol. I wont fault myself for being too generous either. Karma is real. And when i give, i feel good. Like when i shop i feel good, when i give someone something and they love it or they wanted it, it makes me feel so good. Thats a good old fashion high. LOL. I wish i had more money to give. So, since its nighttime i guess that means its time for me to start cleaning, showering, email, etc. Im ass backwards.
HUGS

Im feeling - not so bad!

So, Another day, the crapiness from yesterday prevailed today but not as bad.Im just so confused as to what is causing it. Im like 10 days off of the pristiq and i think im done with those symptoms. So now its either between the new AD- viibryd or Geodon(mood stabilizer) . I dont know which one b/c i started both at the same time- noooo my doctor advise me this would be a good idea, but you know me, gotta jump the gun. So im in a predicament. By my choice im stopping the Geodon, because he told me to start the viibryd first!  Im hoping this is going to work out. I mean , besides the irritability, i feel a little more alive, want to do a few things here and there, etc.
Im still not sleeping right at all. Still backwards, but hey im not sleeping 24/7 which i went through a few weeks ago. I mean half the time im sleeping till like 2-4p in the afternoon and then im awake and i dont want to go to bed at a normal time. I want to just keep going, so i do. You know i really should just stop complaining about it, its my choice, its what im doing and im ok with it. So just shush it!  I think its just strange to other people, so now i know! i wont tell anyone hahah. obviously when the boys go back to school, im really going to HAVE to get us all on the same schedule. Gotta get up early, and get shit done during the day, take care of afterschool stuff, dinner, homework etc and then ill go to bed by 11p. that should work. Its a long day but i can nap if i want- the problem with me and naps is that i over indulge. An hour would suffice but i sleep like 3-4 hrs and then get alllll screwed up. So yeah, ill start that when they go back. about a month to go.
What sucks is that i really want to vacuum but i think id wake everyone up. Ill just keep on with the organizing and straightening.
So i just looked up the half life of geodon is 7 hours. Well i took it 24 hours ago. So half was out 9am and then half of that at 4p, half of that at 11p, at 6 am will be half that and the last half at 1p. Kewl. Its just that it reaches steady state at 1-3 days and i took it for 7 so, well its ok, it should be gone by tomorrow! SO if im still irritable on the weekend, ill be beginning to think its the viibryd and ill be PISSED.  Im having to take xanax during the day and i dont usually have to!! ok i may write in a bit.
HUGS
T.

Im awake!!

Well i finally woke up, kinda, and its Tuesday evening. I was pretty much awake, thursday night to sunday night and worked 24 of those hours. I think im doing fine, know i shouldnt be up that long and then CRASH. Asleep, for a day, at least i was on the couch. So im waking up now, and the cycle begins again. I saw the phone ring yesterday and it was my shrink returning my call about how my meds arent right. I was so tired i couldnt even answer the phone. So, i'll just continue to take the new AD until we speak.
Did i tell you i've been sleeping on the couch since December, i dont know why. I used to love my bed! I know it all started when i couldnt get up in the morning to take the kids to school and they missed a bit. So, i started either staying up all night so i'd be up in the morning( silly i know) but it worked!! Then i'd sleep while they were at school and the cycle would repeat night after night. The couch happens to be really comfy, so i made it my bed. I can sleep there and feel like im not away from the family, in my room secluded, its strange. This is definately contributing to my backwards schedule. Its not doing me any good.
Well i broke down and bought myself a new pillow from BBB online of course , the best way to shop. And a new pillowtop mattress pad, very nice, very high thread count etc etc. $$$. So the plan is to put it all on the bed tonight, get it nice and cozy, take my bedtime meds- which i have seemed to give up on, why i dont know. And go to bed, well it will have to be late b/c i just woke up and all. BUt im gonna try. I cant do this anymore. I've got to get my schedule right.
and im kinda pissy b/c my dryer broke this weekend. Its fixed now but when i told the office ( i live in "luxury" apartments- could be way more luxurious if you ask me but i guess its the best around right now! Anyway, i mentioned the toilet seat in the boys bathroom was broken and i needed a new one. Well the dryer is fixed but no new toilet seat. wtf. thats why i pay ALL THIS MONEY to live here. So, i dont have to do this shit. And they advertise 24hr maintenance , well why did it take more than 24hrs for them to come look at the dryer ?  And you know how i mentioned all the shit i had to look through, file, do, with paperwork etc. I still didnt do it. I hate it when i procrastinate, i always end up getting shit on.
thanks for the comments, it made my day!!