The good, the bad and the ugly.

Well i said goodbye to my car, my 03 explorer.  It had run its course and i needed money so i sent it to the salvage yard, kinda like heaven for cars. lol. I'll miss it but i have a nice new car so its all good.  I can't believe the kids just started school and tomorrow night is already back to school night. This should be very interesting as both of them are in high school so i'll literally have to be in two places at once! You  know usually the mom will go to one and the dad will go to the other, not happening. Every year i get really depressed at back to school night. I see moms and dads and it makes me miss Mike so  much. Every damn year it's the same feeling, it's so unfair that he can't be here to watch his kids in high school, he'd be so proud of them, like i am. I just have to believe that he is up there with me when i go, he's up there watching them in school , the good , bad and the ugly. 
At any rate, things are kinda quiet around here, i guess that's good, no drama. But it's also very lonely. Ill tell you, within a room full of people i'm lonely.  There is always an inner turmoil sitting there. Never just peace. I'm seriously thinking of starting yoga or meditating. I could join a class, or do it alone but it seems when you join a class you are more likely to commit yourself. I need to be taught how to shut my brain down, how to shut the negative thoughts down, and how to stop the hamster wheel.  There is always about 10 things stirring in my head. most of them are problems i need to solve. or that damn to do list that will never ever end let alone get smaller instead of longer every day.  I often wonder, do other people have these issues, or is it me, just me. I know a lot of people do but is there a group of people out there that is so happy or are they just so good at hiding it.  who knows. its their secret. Well i'm off right now to get moving on the to do list, stare at my calendar some more. etc. 
Luv T. 

Fall is where my memories are

I cant wait for fall/winter. I love that time of year, with the yellow/orange/red leaves on the trees and on the ground , and the crisp chill in the air - how you can see your breath when its cold. I guess right prior to Halloween i start to feel it. There have been many a year i even tried to rush the holiday by putting out my Halloween decorations really early like Sept. lol. I think ill stick to Oct 1st this year, Thats right around the corner anyway. I dont know what we will do this year. The boys are 11 and 14 and even last year they really werent that interested in trick or treating. I made them go out with some friends of ours, it wasnt bad but it certainly wasnt the same as it used to be.
Every time i think of Halloween i think of me and mike dressing the boys up, I remember N was a clown one year, C was a transformer and when he was a baby, i dressed him up as a little duck. He looked so cute. We lived in an awesome neighborhood with a bunch of couples our age with children the same age. I mean like us and 7 other couples. It was so fun and i should have appreciated it more then but i have the memories. One of us would take the kids around the cul de sac and the other - usually me - would hand out candy at the door. ah the memories. Thinking of that, i cant believe still that mike isnt here and i get pissed at the unfairness of it all. I wish the boys remembered all those times, i guess thats what im here for! 
Anyway, i cant wait for fall. 
xoxo

Dont grow up so fast, little one.

what to do , what to do. My 11 year old has the mind of a 30 something yr old man. He has always been ahead , its always felt like you were talking to an adult, not a child, Normal childhood games and experiences never really applied to him, and now he is realizing it. He worries so much, about money, about me, about life. Its as if he is carrying the weight of the world on his little shoulders. My boys have been through alot of different and hard things in their lives. They are good boys and im so proud of them. I know it must be partly my fault, b/c how would he be worrying about money if he hadnt heard me complain about not having any. He often feels guilty for nothing. I just want him to have more self confidence and i try to instill it. I want to take his worries away, he has his whole life to worry. ive tried getting him a therapist before, but he clams up when he gets there, he doesnt talk about that stuff, i guess i need to find someone he really can bond with. Im trying my best, but i cant fix everything, even as a parent. Guess ill be searching for a new therapist in the morning. Poor kid. so cute, 

Where did "I"go?

Im wondering why my ADHD sometimes get out of control, when my meds havent changed and i thought i was on the right  path. I seem to get into a funk that lasts a few days, i dont want to touch anything. Then comes the next days where i freak out b/c nothing is in the right place, wash isnt put away, piles of mail are sitting , so i go full force and try to fix it all, irritated all the while but pleased when i finish. So why cant i stay like that all the time, or at least 90%. Life seems to be throwing some curve balls at me but im not one to hide from that, i keep on, just go go go. Lately ive been trying to figure out what it is that im missing, i think i just devote so much of my thinking to my kids or my home or my job that i lost the woman i was. I have lost interest in alot of things i used to do. Finding happiness has become very hard and im searching high and low, but when i have a set back as above, and am inactive lol, for a few days, i lose sight of the goal and the prize. You cant really live when its half a week! I have been sad alot lately, tears now and then, which i hate to admit. Feels weak. I dont know, seems time has betrayed me, its a concept i cant put in more words than that, its a feeling i just know. I really miss Mike, more than anyone can imagine, and bc i dont talk about it much or advertise it, i dont think anyone really knows the depths of my sorrow, my soul was ripped in half and taken away. I;ll never get that back . I cant wallow in it, but its an unimaginable pain that i bear everyday, and looking at my children makes me both happy and sad. i see mike in them more every day. Bittersweet to say the least. Im going to try and find me again, i dont see another choice!

Supermom and the guilt.

You know i totally buy into this supermom/superwoman model that the world today has set up for us. I also am realizing the guilt that comes along with it. I remember my mother in law said to me, not so long ago, "Oh i remember you used to dress Nicholas so nice, he always looked so cute "etc. Now Nicholas is 13yrs old, and when i had him i was 27yrs old, just married and he was our first baby. OF COURSE he looked cute. See the way it was said was that he USED to look like that, and I USED to be on top of everything and in control. Now im apparently not. I guess she doesnt notice the Abercrombie and Fitch clothes that both my boys wear or their Gap jeans, calvin klien underwear. Im in control now and they looked damned cute.  I bust my ass so they do. It just felt like a dig and i dont think im being over sensitive. 
It seems today that our world has created this supermom model that we are supposed to ( and even as a single mother) have it all under control, or at least look the part. I think i need to practice on looking the part. I work, part time, every weekend, we have 2 cars, they go to a private school.,  we have food, breakfast lunch and dinner, and many more things. At times im so proud of myself for doing it alone. But then i see where i may falter in one area, so my desk area is a total mess, or i cant find my keys for 20min at a time, those boys get on the bus on time every morning. I look and read magazine articles, "how do you do it?" for todays moms, how do they? i mean , it gets done but im a mess inside. Im always feeling guilty that i didnt spend enough time with them , quality time, or that im setting a bad example when i say the F word (only now and then) or when i let them stay up late. Am i a bad mom? I feel like i am, alot. And its because of this "supermom" model that is out there, im 40 and somewhat successful, what is it going to make our teenagers strive for, and when they cant fulfill it, do they write a blog? or shove a pillow over their babies screaming mouth, you get the gist?
So, im gonna try and let go of the guilt, bc what good is it? The ones that should feel guilty for being bad moms, dont even know they are! My kids are great, i love them, and take care of them, and they know it. when i kiss their little noses at night, they know it..

Onward and Upward

Guess ill post since im on a roll lately. I got some money, and finally went food shopping. Feels good to have food and napkins lol. And something to drink besides water and milk. I brought my calculator and chris was in charge of keeping track of our spending. We did good i thought. I wanted to buy a million other things but i didnt . i held back and put them on a list. I didnt get my usual "high" from shopping tho. I felt good but not as good, bc i didnt get to buy anything for myself ,well i bought 2 pens, that was nice. lol  The $ situation will get better, it just a while to come back after you 've totally screwed up your budgeting.  
So i think im gonna begin studying for the CCRN. an advanced test for critical care nurses. Its a hard test ive heard, i have been wanting to do this for a long time. I have a study guide.and ive worked in critical care for 15yrs so i should be ok. Ive gotta do something , i feel very stagnet right now. I dont feel like i have much of a purpose right now. I mean, besides raising my children, which is very important, ive got nothing going on. And i think in order to be a good parent and be happy i have to keep myself fulfilled.  its not easy and turning 40 was a bummer and again made me look at my life. I keep thinking this cant be all there is. What is it all for.I lost my husband, my best friend, almost coming up on 2 yrs ago. Time flies, but what have i accomplished in that time- not much at all. ive just managed to survive. I thought by now, id be somewhere else. I need to push myself if i want results tho. I can be so much more than i am right now. I have to be. I cant continue to live like this. So onward and upward. xoxo

ADHD- the terror of it all

well  i have my meeting tomorrow with school for 13 yr old. Its about his 22 page ADHD report from the DCIU. (testing by school system) and then to meet with his teacher to discuss other things! GREAT. Im trying so hard and its not working. I guess i need to find more resources for him. Its just frustrating, esp when half your family doesnt believe in ADD even with a 22 page report lol. I mean if you read up on it, and really try to understand it, its brain chemistry, its not laziness etc. I have it, and i know what its all about, people dont realize what an obstacle it is. He is really smart kid and i am , always was but organization and focus and following through are hard things for us. losing things, forgetting things, losing interest if you dont really like it, i mean sure everyone does those things now and then but when its every day all day and its affecting your life, then its ADD, so to any non believers, keep it to yourself lol. I really wish his dad was here to help me and him. He and I shared everything about child rearing 100%, and now im alone with it. Its hard and scary. I know i can do it, its just a long road ahead, and its lonely. 
HUGS 
T.

Sleep, no more?

ill tell ya what, im really getting tired of being up at night. I am trying hard to  turn it around, but its hard, esp since this is going on 10 months or so. Hard habit to break. It seems like it would be easy to do , switch it back, but my body is simply awake at night now. Like daytime. I've always been a night owl, until i had kids years ago, and before that nursing school, had to get up really early. Now i get the kids to school and asleep i go, until they come home. Its strange, like im doing nightshift in nursing, only prob with that is that nightshift i wouldnt get home until like 8 so i wouldnt be able to get them off to school which i enjoy doing.  I think with sleeping at night, id have to try really hard and then id be scared i wouldnt get up in the morning for the kids. I mean i go to work everyweekend 7a-7p so that i can do , I dont know, Its not that i dont feel good, i feel fine but im alseep when the rest of the world is awake, am i trying to hide from the world, is this my little recluse ive created that i enjoy not interacting with the world, have i become that social phobic , i mean i work fine but maybe i really want it this way. Funny what your mind can do, subconciously.

Productive day ahead!!

I havent felt very good, so i wasnt ready or up to writing until now 630am lol. I just went to Starbucks and got my fav drink and one for later lol. Its my fav place in the whole world. Nov 17-20 from 2-5p you can buy one holiday drink and get one free!! YEAH. THey just came out with their christmas cups, tumblers, mugs. I cant wait to get mine. So kids should be getting up soon, and off to school. One has a field trip. fun. The other has some type of publishing party. Im not sure if parents are supposed to go. hmmm. So i just emailed his teacher to make sure if im supposed to be there!  I am sad to say i havent done or followed through on any of the big things i started. Phone calls, meetings, etc.. That is so me and that is what im trying to change. Why cant i? They say it takes like 21 days or something like that to make a habit. So if i stay up in the daytime and make sure i accomplish one thing per day. Maybe if i even start walking every day. By 3 weeks it will be a habit. Thats not long at all. I can do that.
Its chilly out, a little rainy, i love this weather. Cool, cloudy, i either like it like that, or sunny, no inbetween stuff.
So Im back, i took a little break, went to Starbucks, got a little list going now. Gonna be productive today- i promise me and you. Ill let you know what i get done later, But im dressed, doing wash, kids off to school, straightening up, and drinking my fav frappachino . Starbucks has their xmas stuff - mugs out. Yeah!! i need a new tumbler for coffee.
Well wish me luck, im going to have a productive day!!!
HUGS
T.

Buying pretty things.

Wow, i havent written here in awhile. I havent felt up to par. I've just about been getting by. I mean, its all good and im fine. Ive just been blah and even tho it would probably benefit me to write, i havent.  Ive been a homebody, havent gone out unless it was necessary. Boys got their flu shots, playdates went on. Doctors got seen, but it was a huge effort. Ive definitely gotten really behind on the cleaning, i mean its not Dirty but unkempt.  I think when your house is dirty, and i mean dirty smelly, it has to reflect on your outward appearance. Like i make sure i look presentable, well pretty darn good, every day that im going out or seeing people. Now i could have sweats on and still look good. I'd rather have on something nicer, b/c i do feel that what you wear and how you look on the outside helps you feel better on the inside and it shows.  Im getting irritated tho with my makeup. I used to wear Chanel and i had the whole gamete. It cost me and arm and a leg but i never got so many complements on my makeup. Then when it wore out, i never replaced it all. So i have this brand , that brand, etc. Then i pick up makeup i like at the store, online, etc. But its never been the same, and now that im getting older, its more important . Im going to replenish my Chanel makeup and thats that. It will make me feel better, hell, i never do anything for myself anyhow. Live!! Now on to cleaning lol.

Somehow, a lil note.

Still feeling kinda crappy - oh well, ill feel better tomorrow, . The boys have to leave me this weekend, so im sad already! I'll be working the whole time, i just hate missing them. We are all each other has. My stomach has really been bothering me, i dont know if i have reflux or just some of the vitamens are bothering me, i dont usually have a full stomach to take anything on. HM maybe its my lifestyle catching up with me. Maybe its getting to be time to turn my schedule around- back from upside down. I was reading an article about self sabotage. I didnt finish it, - i cant finish anything anymore- very distractable. Anyway, it looked good, i;ll let you know. I hope its not raining tomorrow b/c i wanted to take the boys to Linvilla to get pumpkins and mums. That would be nice. Considering Halloween is Monday!
Thats me for you. last minute, procrastinator, but i get it done- SOMEHOW lol.

My tree stays up till Feb.

Seems to me that i havent been very interesting lately, well let me think of something interesting to tell you. hmmm, see i dont lead the most interesting life at this point. I mean there isnt much going on that would interest you. still have alot of junk surrounding me that i need to clean. lots of chores that are never ending. Im still watching Greys anatomy, im now on season 3- i get bummed out knowing one day ill be done. tHEN what.
Its great, its so chilly out and i have my fireplace going. Toasty, hey never thought of it, but maybe i could make smores there lol. Speaking of, ive got to get to Linvilla. I need pumpkins and i need mums. Ive got to get in the spirit. Ive got to find the rest of my halloweeen decorations. Ive Always been a decorater for the holidays, I put out stuff really early. I start to listen to xmas music, as soon as it starts, november usually. Ive kept my xmas tree up until feb once lol. Once the holidays come it feels so nice. I guess since Mike died, holidays are different, not so homey, toasty, kind of empty. But ill try, ill go look for my halloween stuff right now!!!

How do we make them Want to learn???

I;ll tell you, kids these days , ughhh, When i was in school, elementary and middle school i had homework and there was no question that i had to do it. I didnt get to not study. I didnt get to come home and play on the computer for hours. I wasnt allowed to do much, and we didnt have after school activities like the kids today. I had dance. thats all. Now days, these kids do so many activities, they never have a dull moment. Thats the problem. Nothing wrong with reading or taking a walk or watching some tv or studying(god forbid). Extra work is a thing unheard of. They have no motivation , no urge to succeed, no goals. Its just ' get it done, least work possible. Then we have to be tyrants, parents who time their computer time, and badger them all the time. I dont know why kids dont have in it them. Is it because of how we as a society have evolved- how america is Lazy! It sucks, i want my kids to want to learn, make the world proud, etc, but its become a chore. I dont even know how i feel about homework. Its so much sometimes that their day is just one big "school" and it deters them. To some degree at least. After school time should be free time, they really dont have that much of it after all. But trying to cram it all in can be tiresome. I dont know what a motivation could be, i dont like the bribery thing, they shouldnt get a reward for doing good in school. its expected. So how do we entice them? How do we make them Want to be smart. This is a hard one, and one i;ll keep trying to figure out!!

Guilted up again

So the boys are gone , i hate this so much. I was so tired, couldnt sleep when i tried last night. Got them to the bus, went to my doctor appt, helped my friend out with the beef and beer last minute things and then came home. It was around 2ish. I laid on the couch cause my eyes were tired and boom, im out. Alseep unitl like 8p when i wake up. Now, im pissed, i gotta get them ready to go to Bil's house. packed, make sure homework goes , medicines are packed. etc etc. And i dont want to move!! Finally got them out by 930p. And i didnt even get to spend time with them. Now they were perfectly content im sure playing video games without my nagging voice in the background. Eating poptarts and granola bars lol. And they were fine. It just sparked up that guilt factor. I was going to take them to bookstore and then out to eat. Guess those plans got squashed. Now i wont see them until sunday night, when its the rush of getting ready for bed and school in the morning. I get no fun time, no down time, during the school year. Its the rush of the school year etc etc. I'll have to make it up to them next week. Hey at least ive been getting them up , breakfast, dressed and to the bus stop ON TIME. Thats a plus, bonus point for me. I guess i cant have it all. Well not all at once anyway!!

Stuck between a rock and a shady person...

Well this is a strange thing, 2 blogs in 24hours lol.  The reason im blogging now is b/c im thinking of something and ill forget about it later. I really hate depending on people, asking for help, not doing it all myself. I hate it more than you can imagine. I've always been this way. Stubborn, perfectionist, u get the drift! I think its helped me to achieve the success that ive had thus far. Able to survive as a single woman /mother and raise 2 boys by myself. - and we do pretty well i may say. Ive worked since i was 16 and ive always taken care of myself. And i really do believe its the Aries in me lol.
So, since the boys dad passed away, weekends are yucky. I work every weekend 2 twelve hour shifts, and they would always be home with dad. That way i was home all week with the boys and made full time money and benefits. So, now that he is gone, i became shit out of luck on the weekends. Really its Friday night to Sunday night. Seems like forever too!  My brother in law watches them for me at his place, very close by. And they love it there, with their cousins and they feel like he is a second dad. I hate it though that i have to bring them there every weekend , i miss them alot. Im home alone all weekend, well me and the cats lol. they are like little kids ya know! So i hate the fact i have to do this. I mean im lucky they like to go but it just seems unfair . So for awhile another family member was coming over to stay on the weekends, that way the boys didnt have to leave their home every weekend. I would come home to my boys and it was nice - to a point. That family member , well , can be shady at times. I cant really go into it, but trust me, shady , yes. So it was like, which is better? Neither. I figure in a few years, they can stay alone, and by then maybe ill have won the lotto and became independently wealthy!
Anyway, this shady person gets on my nerves, always asking me for things, things that are mine and i need, but so do they and apparently its more important for them than for me. So i think that one of the reasons they dont mind coming is also b/c they can get what they need. And it pisses me off. So either way im screwed.  I think that was gonna be the case this weekend, and the boys said they wanted to go to BILs house. I was glad, i like it when they want to go, i dont feel guilty. I got to text shady last night, at that point i didnt know what the boys wanted to do, so i asked what shady had planned this weekend, No reply, hmm i think they were pissed at me, for not giving in to them earlier in the week. So fine, today i just texted, dont worry about it, boys WANT to go to BILs. HAHAH. Cant wait for shady to see. That will annoy them. And now they cant get/steal what they want from me either. Sometimes, it works out. i suppose.
One day, my big dream is to not have to work at all, to have a nice big house with a maid, a cook, separate wings, etc. Only problem is, i need to be young enough to enjoy it lol.
I better hurry up. LATER.

Ass backwards

Boys had their first day of school, it was bittersweet. Im excited for them and i think this year will really be different. Its got to be better than last year. Besides being the first couple of months after Mike died, a lot of other shit seemed to be going on. It , by far, was one of the worst years of my life, and i think theirs too. I feel guilty about that. But like i said, i think this year will be great. They are both in the same school!! Seem to be getting along pretty good right now too, like brothers lol.  Hopefully, since starting the ADD meds, my one son  wont have such a hard year, and i wont want to jump off a bridge when its homework time!!!
My sleep hasnt gotten any better. Last night i fell asleep around 2am and then i woke up at 430ish. I was wide awake and stayed up , got everything ready for school and got them to the bus on time. I came home and fell asleep around 930a and pretty much napped the day away. So now im awake at night AGAIN. I dont know if its even worth it to try and fix this, im trying to just accept it and go with the flow. No sense in having anxiety about it. I mean i havent gotten sick at all, ya know b/c my when your sleep is messed up, your resistance is down and you can get sick. Nope feel good! And i hate forcing myself to lie there , so i sleep when im tired. I obsess, haha
You know something that pisses me off, Ive been trying to sell these lottery tix for a fundraiser. Its for my friend who has cancer, there is a beef and beer this weekend and we were selling lottery tix for $20 each. And you could win, 10,000.  Thats a great prize, and $20 isnt that bad. So i brought them to work , well it was like i was trying to get you to give me their first born. My god, i didnt realize people were so cheap, or maybe im just too generous. Im sorry but esp for cancer, in a young person, 20 freakin dollars and when i would ask, people would just turn their heads, like they didnt hear me, some even just said no. I mean the people i work with have money, trust me, they have an extra 20 lying around for a charity. I was really disappointed in how it went down. Of course i made up for it by donating other great stuff and spent good time/money and even bought 2 lottery tix myself. You cant win if you dont play lol. I wont fault myself for being too generous either. Karma is real. And when i give, i feel good. Like when i shop i feel good, when i give someone something and they love it or they wanted it, it makes me feel so good. Thats a good old fashion high. LOL. I wish i had more money to give. So, since its nighttime i guess that means its time for me to start cleaning, showering, email, etc. Im ass backwards.
HUGS

Just another Day!

AHHH im drinking a nice big caramel frappachinno with 2 extra shots, from Starbucks. Picked it up on the way home from food shopping and from doing some last minute school shopping, which by the way i didnt finish lol- i have one more day shhh. I couldnt finish, the boys were driving me crazy, laughing and being loud and running around Target lol. I was trying to concentrate on my list and id had enough- so i decided we were finished and id get anything else tomorrow. We left and i couldnt help but stopping at Starbucks. It is on my way home from everywhere hahah. All the employees know me and my "regular" drink , i love it there. It feels like home.  So now i put away most of the stuff, had to take a break and watch some Basketball Wives LA and enjoy my drink. I've got all my shows lined up tonight. I know, nice life lol, Hey its what i enjoy.
So, im multitasking, which isnt all that good for you ive read but hey its what i do. Im making pasta, cleaning up, picking up, organizing, watching tv, typing and drinking! Now Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere is on, one of my favorites!! Any real housewives is on that note.  So this is a busy week. Kids and school. I've got to reschedule some appointments that i skipped out on last month, etc etc. Gotta keep it going.
Boy this blog writing is turning into an all night thing lol. I started it at 8 and now its almost 11p. I've been coming and going. House looks pretty good now, ive been cleaning etc the whole time. Boy im beat...  Oh well i guess i dont have that much more to say right now, i may return.

Random post!!!

I feel like i should be typing something, but i have no idea what to type. Nothing is coming to mind, nothing is popping up, standing out lol. And you know nothing is on tv because im watching Teen Mom on mtv!! Im kinda bored. Only worked one day this weekend. was on call the other. So, kinda bored over here. I could/should be reading and writing for my sons school start (just diagnosed with ADD at the end of last school year) and this year im writing some rules out, since he goes to private school and they dont have to have an IEP. They will accommodate your child tho, the best they can. So ive been researching all summer and i have a list together.
Ok, about an hour has gone by ... im back. I still dont have much to say lol.  Im really getting nervous about school and re-adjusting my routine. Ive gotten to this habit for the past 9 months. Its hard.  I mean i dont have to get it right straight off, as long as i get them to school and then im awake and ready to go when they get home then its all good. I'll be fine, i'll adjust as needed. I think maybe ill have a sleep out night with the boys tomorrow night- last night they can stay up late!! Movies and popcorn in the living room and they can use their sleeping bags, and hopefully leave my couch to me!! Probably will wake to a foot in my face lol. The boys will like that, and it will be our little sendoff party for the end of summer.
Im not really tired at all! Well i had gotten alot of sleep after NOT getting alot of sleep! I wonder if i slept right, id be happier, ya know , getting into a routine and pattern and making my body healthy and happy . I dont know, its hard to find out exactly how much sleep i need. But ill tell you one thing, I can sleep! Problem is ill wake up, say 6-7 hrs later and a normal person would just get up, not me, i make myself go back to sleep and then ill sleep like another 6-7 hours. Once im asleep, im out. I certainly dont need 12-14hrs of sleep per night. There is no rhyme or reason, my routine doesnt change much day to day. I should have a stable bedtime.  AHH well ill figure it out lol
Night for now!!

This is becoming a pattern here!!

Not a very good pattern i may say. I am in a constant struggle within myself- over things i cant control.  I start to feel good and then, something happens, like, i cant feel good. and i start to feel bad, i feel bad about anything and everything, but mostly its just a really bad feeling i have inside of my stomach.  Like a ball of emotion that keeps growing and growing Churning inside me. And i dont know what to do with it. I try and write, read, eat chocolate, to get my mind going elsewhere, but it keeps returning to that little fireball in my stomach.
I know that it certainly doesnt help, in fact it hurts, that i didnt even leave my house today. I need to get out of the house every day. I need to feel fresh air and see the sky. I know i could go to bed now and end the day, but i dont really want to do that either. I guess if i had something fun to do or look forward to, there alot of fun things to do but to me, nothing is fun anymore. Nothing gets me going, gets me happy, makes me smile/laugh. Ive become such a not fun person. And i know im the only one that can turn it around. And as much as i say i want to change and be happy, i dont do it.
Lets just face it, im still depressed.

HUGS

Should we move???

As if lol.. Not an option right now though the thought of it makes me both happy and sad. Happy in a way that i could start over, meet new people, make new friends, start fresh , not have everyone in my business all the time, and live a little more. Ive been here, in this area, all my life. I know everyone , everywhere, etc etc.  I could be whoever i wanted to be. But really i wish i could change things in life, i dont know that turning back the clock would work but just somehow magically change things.  Id have a big family. Lots of kids, and be close and live near my family(big family) and we would all hang out at my huge house and someone would always be home and it would be loud all the time. This is how i want my kids to grow up, its how i wanted to, its how i didnt and its how we arent. And it depresses the hell out of me.  I wanted my kids to grow up in a house where the parents didnt divorce, yet alone, one parent died.  It would be fine everyone could be in my business then b.c in this world of mine, no one would be hurting each other and talking shit and taking sides and holding grudges. Wow this is a great place isnt it.
Maybe in another life, for real, another life is waiting and that is what i have to look forward to. Because right now, sitting here in our apartment, watching tv writing this blog, i cant find a light at the end of the tunnel. Im searching and searching and waiting and looking and nothing.
Dont get me wrong, i love my kids to death, they are the only thing i have. I just dont know why ( and there has to be a reason) i was dealt this hand . May seem good to everyone else, alot better than others im sure, but why am i not finding what i want, something to fill me , thus far in my 39 years of life.
I guess maybe we wont be moving for a little while.
HUGS