Thursday, August 25, 2011

Should we move???

As if lol.. Not an option right now though the thought of it makes me both happy and sad. Happy in a way that i could start over, meet new people, make new friends, start fresh , not have everyone in my business all the time, and live a little more. Ive been here, in this area, all my life. I know everyone , everywhere, etc etc.  I could be whoever i wanted to be. But really i wish i could change things in life, i dont know that turning back the clock would work but just somehow magically change things.  Id have a big family. Lots of kids, and be close and live near my family(big family) and we would all hang out at my huge house and someone would always be home and it would be loud all the time. This is how i want my kids to grow up, its how i wanted to, its how i didnt and its how we arent. And it depresses the hell out of me.  I wanted my kids to grow up in a house where the parents didnt divorce, yet alone, one parent died.  It would be fine everyone could be in my business then b.c in this world of mine, no one would be hurting each other and talking shit and taking sides and holding grudges. Wow this is a great place isnt it.
Maybe in another life, for real, another life is waiting and that is what i have to look forward to. Because right now, sitting here in our apartment, watching tv writing this blog, i cant find a light at the end of the tunnel. Im searching and searching and waiting and looking and nothing.
Dont get me wrong, i love my kids to death, they are the only thing i have. I just dont know why ( and there has to be a reason) i was dealt this hand . May seem good to everyone else, alot better than others im sure, but why am i not finding what i want, something to fill me , thus far in my 39 years of life.
I guess maybe we wont be moving for a little while.