Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Guilty of what??

What to say, hmm- well alots on my mind but nothing in particular - its like that!  My mind has been spinning like the hamster cage, but i cant say im upset or depressed or anything. I kinda feel numb! And thats no good either. That may be worse, i would like to be happy about something. I think its b/c my sleep has been really screwed up, and I know sleep is important in every aspect of life. Mental/emotional mindfullness included. Im getting tired of sleeping all day. I think somehow that i should be able to stay up late -well stay up, and keep going and going and then sleep. Its getting me unorganized- which is my goal. Im not writing stuff down like i do and im forgetting appts or im double booking, ugh.
Right in time for school, right! This is the time that im supposed to be supermom. Get everyone ready for school. 5th and 7th grade- its alot they need. We have a homework basket, and this year i bought new baskets and i need to put it all together, see what we need etc. Well i emptied the old one and the contents have been sitting on the floor here with the other 2 baskets Waiting, since this morning. Ive done nothing with it all day!  Its actually been driving me crazy, so i have to tackle it. 
One of the major feelings i have, i have realized lately is Guilt. I always feel guilty that im not doing enough for the kids. Guilt that im not June Cleaver , guilt that im not like every other mom out there. I think my expectations of myself are very high. And ill never meet them. I want to have high energy, get up early with the kids, be happy lol, but im a night owl, and ive never been high energy like i want to be. Im tired alot, things feel like chores, half of it is mind games im sure. I could get up but i dont. I get really mad at myself. And then i feel guilty. I read an article on guilt once. I bookmarked it im sure but the ADD girl that i am, can i find it out of the 200bookmarks i have here on my laptop? Doubt it. It was about letting go of the guilt and reading it made me feel good. Like i wasnt alone.
Well let me go look for it, and get moving on this work i have to do.