Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Latte Mommy: I guess its time to face it all !

The Latte Mommy: I guess its time to face it all !: Well, this year is almost over. THANK GOD. I dont think it was one of the best. I remember last year i was so ready for the new year. I kept...

I guess its time to face it all !

Well, this year is almost over. THANK GOD. I dont think it was one of the best. I remember last year i was so ready for the new year. I kept believing that all the misery and sadness of mike dying would disappear and the boys and I would lead a normal, fun, new year where we were all productive and our problems would lessen. WRONG!!! . I kept saying, i cant wait for the new year, fresh start. NOPE. Just a day in the life. Now a year later, i dont know how i feel.
I am anticipating a great New year again. 2012. Its time we get it together. We've spent long enough in this mode. I've got to get it together and start being what i need to be. Doing what i need to do- when i need to do it. Im strong, i can do it. Whenever ive been down id always say, im a strong independent woman and i can do anything. Well its true. Ive just got in this hole and ive stayed there too long. Ive been trying to climb out but... now i guess i have no excuses lol. There are so many things i want to do, fix, work on, etc. If i dont do it , i never will, and i will continue to feel the guilt that i do. And its not worth it! 
Guilt is one of those horrible feelings that really dont do much for anyone. Its just bad no matter what. I need to release it all and realize i am doing my best, b/c i am. I am only one person, b/c i am. I can change alot of things but there are things i cant change, no matter how hard i wish i could. Wish me luck!
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012  

Friday, December 30, 2011

The Latte Mommy: I gotta move mountains

The Latte Mommy: I gotta move mountains: So not much has gone on , day was a blur, slept late , then went out with kids, came home, cleaned , tv, kids, etc. Not really anything prod...

I gotta move mountains

So not much has gone on , day was a blur, slept late , then went out with kids, came home, cleaned , tv, kids, etc. Not really anything productive. I feel a little tired right now, but only my eyes. Not my body or mind. I put some xmas stuff away. I barely decorated this year, it was bad. So i dont have much to put away but i think im done with the holiday this year. maybe it will be better next year.
Im back, sorry i took a lil break and did a few things. Need to finish my makeup but not this minute.YOu know what i hate, the fact that im up at night and i could be doing a million things, as far as cleaning goes, but we live on a one floor. so its like i have fear of waking everyone up if i make noise in the kitchin or the bathroom etc. I wish we had a bigger place, then i wouldnt mind but lol, then id have more to clean,! so i guess you cant win. Ill just shut the doors to everyone and go. I mean no one every wakes up but i feel like im on tip toe just to clean , of all things. Ive come to realize that im ocd about cleaning. and so many things now skeeve me that never did before.  Like just stuff , that needs to be cleaned, nothing really gross, just normal things, now make me feel really yucky and i have to clean them wheras before it wasnt a huge deal. Great, im progressively getting worse, not better! And with my ADD i feel like i have to have everything in order, tho it just becomes piles and papers and folders and binders etc, get the drift?
Well i have alot to do, i had my bf's son with us this week, and hes 8. so i had 4 males and me in this place and you know, sometimes men arent as particular as I am. At least the ones here arent. So i have my hands full. Wish me luck.
Hugs T.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Out with the old and in with the new

The Latte Mommy: Out with the old and in with the new: Well its been a long time since i last blogged. Ive been so out of the loop with it. It definitely makes me feel better but sometimes i just...

Out with the old and in with the new

Well its been a long time since i last blogged. Ive been so out of the loop with it. It definitely makes me feel better but sometimes i just get sick of complaining. If i dont do it here , i tend to keep it inside, which is not a good thing for me! Seems like not much has changed. So many things to do and so little time. Procrastination overwhelms me. Hyper focusing is strong. I'll sit here on my laptop and research whatever it is im interested in that day, to its death. I have so many- a ridiculous number of bookmarks and saved pages and documents. So many that i couldnt pull up something on the fly. I look through them sometimes and try to delete them , thats another thing. I wouldnt call myself a hoarder but i hold on to things way too long. Then i think, hmmm im being treated for my ADHD, ive done therapy, im on meds, i read read read, do charts, buy planners, you name it. Yet im still this way. Am i ever going to change. Its so time consuming to try and multitask , well i dont try, it just happens, to the end result of 3 projects sitting there done half assed, or just half done. Im tired of it, but it seems like its only getting worse.
Then i think, how am i supposed to help my child with ADHD if i cant help myself. not the best role model. It has to be more of a do as i say, not what i do~!  Feeling like a hamster in a cage, getting no where fast.  
Christmas came and went. Uneventful. Its my fav holiday, but i dont know what happened this year. Every year i have the Christmas carols on the radio, from Thanksgiving on lol. I annoy the hell out of everyone, but i love it. I love decorating, love my tree. wrapping, shopping, the crisp air, lights, etc. But this year i did none of it. No Christmas music on, no tree, no happy excited feeling. Shoot i still have presents to wrap, for people i know i wont see for another week! I think this has been the most depressing xmas ever. Its the second year without Mike, and i guess the first one was only 5 months after he died, and we were still in a blur. This year it was so real and in your face. Subconsciously i think it affected me more than i knew. 
So where do i go from here? I have no clue. Im in a pretty dark place. I mean im ok but im not. Im getting by and doing what needs to be done. But i need to go the extra mile on alot of things in my life right now . Shall i say - New Years Resolutions lol. worth a shot!
Hugs T.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Latte Mommy: ADHD- the terror of it all

The Latte Mommy: ADHD- the terror of it all: w ell i have my meeting tomorrow with school for 13 yr old. Its about his 22 page ADHD report from the DCIU. (testing by school system) and...

ADHD- the terror of it all

well  i have my meeting tomorrow with school for 13 yr old. Its about his 22 page ADHD report from the DCIU. (testing by school system) and then to meet with his teacher to discuss other things! GREAT. Im trying so hard and its not working. I guess i need to find more resources for him. Its just frustrating, esp when half your family doesnt believe in ADD even with a 22 page report lol. I mean if you read up on it, and really try to understand it, its brain chemistry, its not laziness etc. I have it, and i know what its all about, people dont realize what an obstacle it is. He is really smart kid and i am , always was but organization and focus and following through are hard things for us. losing things, forgetting things, losing interest if you dont really like it, i mean sure everyone does those things now and then but when its every day all day and its affecting your life, then its ADD, so to any non believers, keep it to yourself lol. I really wish his dad was here to help me and him. He and I shared everything about child rearing 100%, and now im alone with it. Its hard and scary. I know i can do it, its just a long road ahead, and its lonely. 
HUGS 
T.

Monday, December 5, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Sleep, no more?

The Latte Mommy: Sleep, no more?: i ll tell ya what, im really getting tired of being up at night. I am trying hard to turn it around, but its hard, esp since this is going ...

Sleep, no more?

ill tell ya what, im really getting tired of being up at night. I am trying hard to  turn it around, but its hard, esp since this is going on 10 months or so. Hard habit to break. It seems like it would be easy to do , switch it back, but my body is simply awake at night now. Like daytime. I've always been a night owl, until i had kids years ago, and before that nursing school, had to get up really early. Now i get the kids to school and asleep i go, until they come home. Its strange, like im doing nightshift in nursing, only prob with that is that nightshift i wouldnt get home until like 8 so i wouldnt be able to get them off to school which i enjoy doing.  I think with sleeping at night, id have to try really hard and then id be scared i wouldnt get up in the morning for the kids. I mean i go to work everyweekend 7a-7p so that i can do , I dont know, Its not that i dont feel good, i feel fine but im alseep when the rest of the world is awake, am i trying to hide from the world, is this my little recluse ive created that i enjoy not interacting with the world, have i become that social phobic , i mean i work fine but maybe i really want it this way. Funny what your mind can do, subconciously.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Latte Mommy: Bored out of my mind!!

The Latte Mommy: Bored out of my mind!!: Im bored, i mean im sure if i really tried, i have plenty to do, but ive done all i really feel like. Listening to a podcast now, first one ...

Bored out of my mind!!

Im bored, i mean im sure if i really tried, i have plenty to do, but ive done all i really feel like. Listening to a podcast now, first one was icu rounds, but his voice was so boring, now listening to an adhd one. More lively lol.  But im wide awake and dont know what i want to do. Ive vacuumed, dishwasher run, doing wash, straightened up, kitty litter, trash, went to starbucks lol, slept enough, now what?? Nothing is on TV, Switching up now, changing the podcast, still ADHD but a new one. Off work today, census was low, i was on call. i like to work but not when we dont have any pts. Ill take a nice warm shower soon, I really would be better off getting back on a regular schedule. up during the day, every day. Ill have to work on it, then , id be sleeping now and up when everyone else is.  Either that or switch to night shift lol. 
On another note, my fireplace is getting on my nerves, its gas, switch operated, and it wont stay on! Past day , it goes on for like 5 min and then it goes out. Maybe there is a draft somewhere but this shouldnt be happening, not with the rent i pay! So irritating. I could organize some papers, or go get the 2 days worth of mail out in the box, lol. orrr i could def go online and pay a few bills that are due, and im procrastinating on them. NOT good! Well let me go find something to do. Any ideas let me know
HUGS.
T.