My mind wont let me be

I hate feeling this overwhelmed, and its nothing special, i dont have a deadline or a test or a paper due, no its just the fact that i have alot to do around the house, alot of paperwork, emails, things like that. And when i actually feel good and want to do things, i get anxious bc i get stuck. I sit here and think of all i can do, all i have to do, then it comes time to do it and i think oh id rather do this instead, back and forth my mind goes. So then i play bejeweled, and watch project runway.  Like im in mud, cant move. There is no reason besides myself stopping myself from getting shit done. I dont know how to stop this bullshit, its like you want to say " just get going, and do it"  Simply not that easy esp with ADHD and my mania.  There are times i get a good feeling and i get alot done but today i dont know why its just going in circles and im getting nothing done. Its just wasted time. I know it doesnt seem like a big deal, but this is what my mind does to me all the time, and its tiring.

Money SUCKS!!!

I hate money, its the source of all evil. lol, really i love money, when i have it. Lately i dont know whats been going on but my money is disappearing quicker than i can get it. Its spent before my check gets direct deposited. I know i messed up my paycheck quite a few months ago, and it does take a long time, for those who dont know anything about money problems lol, it takes a long time to get it back together and catch up.  Then that leads to depression, and in my case, that is so true bc spending money is my high, it makes me so happy, and the only money ive been spending is for gas in my car, no happy dances been done at the local gas station either!! My friends at Starbucks are forgetting what i look like and my mouth is watering for my latte!! And i didnt get this way- poor- by overly spending. Its for other reasons,  i can quite say but lets just say bc my heart is bigger than my bank account lately!
 So i havent been around so much, you think id of been here to bitch more lol, but when i get depressed i tend to withdrawl from the world. Its not a good thing , I mean i have been working alot extra too , ugly hours haha, but its worth it. I have to, for my kids sake. Its a shame when their father died, he left them money but its in the hands of someone else, someone who doesnt seem to care if we have electricity or not, boy i thought that fell under the catagory of health, safety, etc. I know Mike wouldnt want this, what is gong on, no matter what the reason, he wouldnt want to see us struggling so hard, and to see the boys sad that im having a hard time, they can see it, read it in my demeanor, oh well. so i go on, the single latte mommy, doing what i have to to make it better for us - my family. 
HUGS xoxo

Where did "I"go?

Im wondering why my ADHD sometimes get out of control, when my meds havent changed and i thought i was on the right  path. I seem to get into a funk that lasts a few days, i dont want to touch anything. Then comes the next days where i freak out b/c nothing is in the right place, wash isnt put away, piles of mail are sitting , so i go full force and try to fix it all, irritated all the while but pleased when i finish. So why cant i stay like that all the time, or at least 90%. Life seems to be throwing some curve balls at me but im not one to hide from that, i keep on, just go go go. Lately ive been trying to figure out what it is that im missing, i think i just devote so much of my thinking to my kids or my home or my job that i lost the woman i was. I have lost interest in alot of things i used to do. Finding happiness has become very hard and im searching high and low, but when i have a set back as above, and am inactive lol, for a few days, i lose sight of the goal and the prize. You cant really live when its half a week! I have been sad alot lately, tears now and then, which i hate to admit. Feels weak. I dont know, seems time has betrayed me, its a concept i cant put in more words than that, its a feeling i just know. I really miss Mike, more than anyone can imagine, and bc i dont talk about it much or advertise it, i dont think anyone really knows the depths of my sorrow, my soul was ripped in half and taken away. I;ll never get that back . I cant wallow in it, but its an unimaginable pain that i bear everyday, and looking at my children makes me both happy and sad. i see mike in them more every day. Bittersweet to say the least. Im going to try and find me again, i dont see another choice!

Out with the old and in with the new

Well its been a long time since i last blogged. Ive been so out of the loop with it. It definitely makes me feel better but sometimes i just get sick of complaining. If i dont do it here , i tend to keep it inside, which is not a good thing for me! Seems like not much has changed. So many things to do and so little time. Procrastination overwhelms me. Hyper focusing is strong. I'll sit here on my laptop and research whatever it is im interested in that day, to its death. I have so many- a ridiculous number of bookmarks and saved pages and documents. So many that i couldnt pull up something on the fly. I look through them sometimes and try to delete them , thats another thing. I wouldnt call myself a hoarder but i hold on to things way too long. Then i think, hmmm im being treated for my ADHD, ive done therapy, im on meds, i read read read, do charts, buy planners, you name it. Yet im still this way. Am i ever going to change. Its so time consuming to try and multitask , well i dont try, it just happens, to the end result of 3 projects sitting there done half assed, or just half done. Im tired of it, but it seems like its only getting worse.
Then i think, how am i supposed to help my child with ADHD if i cant help myself. not the best role model. It has to be more of a do as i say, not what i do~!  Feeling like a hamster in a cage, getting no where fast.  
Christmas came and went. Uneventful. Its my fav holiday, but i dont know what happened this year. Every year i have the Christmas carols on the radio, from Thanksgiving on lol. I annoy the hell out of everyone, but i love it. I love decorating, love my tree. wrapping, shopping, the crisp air, lights, etc. But this year i did none of it. No Christmas music on, no tree, no happy excited feeling. Shoot i still have presents to wrap, for people i know i wont see for another week! I think this has been the most depressing xmas ever. Its the second year without Mike, and i guess the first one was only 5 months after he died, and we were still in a blur. This year it was so real and in your face. Subconsciously i think it affected me more than i knew. 
So where do i go from here? I have no clue. Im in a pretty dark place. I mean im ok but im not. Im getting by and doing what needs to be done. But i need to go the extra mile on alot of things in my life right now . Shall i say - New Years Resolutions lol. worth a shot!
Hugs T.

Mood journal HMMM

Havent posted in awhile, I guess i havent felt it. I had some great ideas for posts last week, but i never went through with them. I will, when im in an enthusiastic writing mood! Hopefully soon. I just hate slipping into this mode. Blah, Blah. I should really chart this , moods and see when , if, i am ever feeling good. Doesnt feel like it happens much at all. Tonight i have that stupid feeling in my stomach, the pit, the one that feels so wrong. I hate it. And its really hard to get rid of. Its always been there, my whole life, it just comes and goes, hints that things just arent right. Nervous energy, but blah, i did some cleaning and laundry, but nothing is helping me change this feeling. UGH. Maybe ill write later if it goes away., or if it doesnt!!!

Really bad mood

Ive just been having a bad few days. My mood is down, i just feel like crap. Im in a rut, and i gotta get out cause i feel like im sinking quick. I really dont have much to say , i just wanted to check in. Now with me, this mood could get better today, or it could get worse. Rarely will it stay the same. I just feel like im stuck in the same day over and over , and its not a good day. Ive let relationships slowly fall apart, and then i wonder why i dont have any close friends. Its my fault. I dont keep my end of the deal. and its because im so god damn moody. Im just tired of all of this.

This is becoming a pattern here!!

Not a very good pattern i may say. I am in a constant struggle within myself- over things i cant control.  I start to feel good and then, something happens, like, i cant feel good. and i start to feel bad, i feel bad about anything and everything, but mostly its just a really bad feeling i have inside of my stomach.  Like a ball of emotion that keeps growing and growing Churning inside me. And i dont know what to do with it. I try and write, read, eat chocolate, to get my mind going elsewhere, but it keeps returning to that little fireball in my stomach.
I know that it certainly doesnt help, in fact it hurts, that i didnt even leave my house today. I need to get out of the house every day. I need to feel fresh air and see the sky. I know i could go to bed now and end the day, but i dont really want to do that either. I guess if i had something fun to do or look forward to, there alot of fun things to do but to me, nothing is fun anymore. Nothing gets me going, gets me happy, makes me smile/laugh. Ive become such a not fun person. And i know im the only one that can turn it around. And as much as i say i want to change and be happy, i dont do it.
Lets just face it, im still depressed.

HUGS

OK OK< im back!

Im back, i never really left, but i was in a pissy mood. Now i feel somewhat better. I've been so down, slept the last 3 days , i mean i was up for a little but basically asleep. Depression sucks, makes you sleep when you didnt think you had any sleep left in you. I saw my shrink today. Adjusted my meds AGAIN> Will we ever get it right? Im off the Pristiq, thank god, now i just am left with electrical surges in my brain, hopefully it wont last too long. He put me back on my Adderall and increased my Vyvanse- im ok with that. Starting a new AD- Viibryd. Its brand spanking new. Im actually the first one to get it filled at my pharmacy- wow , a real guinea pig!! Guess we will see huh. Secondly he put me on Geodon, a mood stabilizer. I thought it would make me tired, but he told me the opposite, do these doctors really know half the side effects of the meds they perscribe? . I'll figure that one out on my own.
We are still trying to figure out why im continuing to sleep on the couch every night and have no regular sleep schedule. We know im doing it on purpose and there is no reason i cant sleep in my bed and take my sleep meds like i used to. But im fighting it. He thinks its because i can escape the world if im ass backwards. If i wake up and have a normal day, it means facing the depression, facing the pain, facing the anger i still have towards Mike, my husband that died a year ago- of cancer. Im still pissed at him, for alot of reasons, guess i havent gotten past that stage of grief- maybe i really do need to see someone for bereavement. Maybe i cant do it all alone. Maybe im really not superwoman.
I know i can change these habits i started, i know im strong enough - ive got to take the first step. I have a great bed, i bought a new mattress pad- pillowtop, 600 thread count, etc. i bought a new pillow, i bought a new quilt, i have my trazadone and xanax. Why cant i do what i used to LOVE to do. Get in my jammies, take my meds, and watch tv till i fell asleep in my big cozy bed. It used to be heaven. Instead i sleep on a couch- very comfy tho- with a blanket ???
I would like to thank my new follower, She came right when i needed, and although it seems trivial, its not. Its the little things in life, that count sometimes. Anyway, i hope she does start blogging again.
TTYS. HUGS ALL
T>