The good, the bad and the ugly.

Well i said goodbye to my car, my 03 explorer.  It had run its course and i needed money so i sent it to the salvage yard, kinda like heaven for cars. lol. I'll miss it but i have a nice new car so its all good.  I can't believe the kids just started school and tomorrow night is already back to school night. This should be very interesting as both of them are in high school so i'll literally have to be in two places at once! You  know usually the mom will go to one and the dad will go to the other, not happening. Every year i get really depressed at back to school night. I see moms and dads and it makes me miss Mike so  much. Every damn year it's the same feeling, it's so unfair that he can't be here to watch his kids in high school, he'd be so proud of them, like i am. I just have to believe that he is up there with me when i go, he's up there watching them in school , the good , bad and the ugly. 
At any rate, things are kinda quiet around here, i guess that's good, no drama. But it's also very lonely. Ill tell you, within a room full of people i'm lonely.  There is always an inner turmoil sitting there. Never just peace. I'm seriously thinking of starting yoga or meditating. I could join a class, or do it alone but it seems when you join a class you are more likely to commit yourself. I need to be taught how to shut my brain down, how to shut the negative thoughts down, and how to stop the hamster wheel.  There is always about 10 things stirring in my head. most of them are problems i need to solve. or that damn to do list that will never ever end let alone get smaller instead of longer every day.  I often wonder, do other people have these issues, or is it me, just me. I know a lot of people do but is there a group of people out there that is so happy or are they just so good at hiding it.  who knows. its their secret. Well i'm off right now to get moving on the to do list, stare at my calendar some more. etc. 
Luv T. 

Where did "I"go?

Im wondering why my ADHD sometimes get out of control, when my meds havent changed and i thought i was on the right  path. I seem to get into a funk that lasts a few days, i dont want to touch anything. Then comes the next days where i freak out b/c nothing is in the right place, wash isnt put away, piles of mail are sitting , so i go full force and try to fix it all, irritated all the while but pleased when i finish. So why cant i stay like that all the time, or at least 90%. Life seems to be throwing some curve balls at me but im not one to hide from that, i keep on, just go go go. Lately ive been trying to figure out what it is that im missing, i think i just devote so much of my thinking to my kids or my home or my job that i lost the woman i was. I have lost interest in alot of things i used to do. Finding happiness has become very hard and im searching high and low, but when i have a set back as above, and am inactive lol, for a few days, i lose sight of the goal and the prize. You cant really live when its half a week! I have been sad alot lately, tears now and then, which i hate to admit. Feels weak. I dont know, seems time has betrayed me, its a concept i cant put in more words than that, its a feeling i just know. I really miss Mike, more than anyone can imagine, and bc i dont talk about it much or advertise it, i dont think anyone really knows the depths of my sorrow, my soul was ripped in half and taken away. I;ll never get that back . I cant wallow in it, but its an unimaginable pain that i bear everyday, and looking at my children makes me both happy and sad. i see mike in them more every day. Bittersweet to say the least. Im going to try and find me again, i dont see another choice!

why, why and why??

There are so many things in life that i will just never understand, like how the washer and dryer can actually eat your socks and underwear, how when making an appt, 10am really means you have to be there at 930a or its cancelled, how so many people go on maury and steve wilkos talk shows and deny they molested or cheated, when they know they are gonna fail that lie detector test (my favorite is the trick in the green room!) for all you hard core maury fans! How is it that you can have a career in which you do so good, all good for years, yet one made up or embellished comment can ruin you in a day, how someone can say they love you and then leave you, how people can be so selfish and not use please and thankyou. I wonder why some people (the good ones) die horrible deaths and the bad people slide by. I really dont understand how people are your "friends" yet drop you on a dime, how coffee can make you crazy and me sleep. Why do some people get cancer and some dont. Why is there so much grief in life? why are we measured by our wealth?, why do basketball players make millions but paying overtime to a single mom nurse staying with her pt a little longer is a crime.Why some people lie ? HOw can someone have more than one personality in their bodies/minds. why do some people get to have out of body experiences and see the light, how can i have all this energy and you cant get off the couch. Why depression lasts so long. Is there more to life than this? is this it? is this all i should be doing?

Onward and Upward

Guess ill post since im on a roll lately. I got some money, and finally went food shopping. Feels good to have food and napkins lol. And something to drink besides water and milk. I brought my calculator and chris was in charge of keeping track of our spending. We did good i thought. I wanted to buy a million other things but i didnt . i held back and put them on a list. I didnt get my usual "high" from shopping tho. I felt good but not as good, bc i didnt get to buy anything for myself ,well i bought 2 pens, that was nice. lol  The $ situation will get better, it just a while to come back after you 've totally screwed up your budgeting.  
So i think im gonna begin studying for the CCRN. an advanced test for critical care nurses. Its a hard test ive heard, i have been wanting to do this for a long time. I have a study guide.and ive worked in critical care for 15yrs so i should be ok. Ive gotta do something , i feel very stagnet right now. I dont feel like i have much of a purpose right now. I mean, besides raising my children, which is very important, ive got nothing going on. And i think in order to be a good parent and be happy i have to keep myself fulfilled.  its not easy and turning 40 was a bummer and again made me look at my life. I keep thinking this cant be all there is. What is it all for.I lost my husband, my best friend, almost coming up on 2 yrs ago. Time flies, but what have i accomplished in that time- not much at all. ive just managed to survive. I thought by now, id be somewhere else. I need to push myself if i want results tho. I can be so much more than i am right now. I have to be. I cant continue to live like this. So onward and upward. xoxo

Ramblings...late night...

Nothing more to do than blog lol. Its late and im awake, sure i am, you would be too if you slept all day. I dont mind tooo  much but id like to go shopping, maybe to Target, but its closed. Everywhere i want to go is closed. Oh well, only 6 more hours till morning. Actually i need to make a latte, i havent had one all day, im not sure if thats why i feel like i keep having these brain "zaps" like electrical shocks in my head, ive had them before, but that was when i discontinued Effexor, med for depression- that didnt work by the way. anyway, yes latte, brb.
ok, im back. with my latte. ah too hot to drink. Im really bored right now. I did a little cleaning and i cleaned alot yesterday. So it looks pretty good in here. I dont know what else to do right now. I rarely get like this. oh well. Maybe ill watch some greys anatomy. , hold on Ok, watching season 3 still on greys anatomy. I watch it on Hulu Plus
Anyway, im having a hard time tonight thinking of Mike, just alot of things running through my mind. I havent cried in a bit, but i am tonight. Tears just come. I cant help it. I dont want to cry cause i hate it. but i guess its healthy, right? I just wish it never happened and i wish Mike was here to help raise the boys. My wish wont come true in reality tho so i gotta face it . I'll be fine, just getting it out every now and then helps.Then tomorrow comes and i go on...
Hugs T.