The good, the bad and the ugly.

Well i said goodbye to my car, my 03 explorer.  It had run its course and i needed money so i sent it to the salvage yard, kinda like heaven for cars. lol. I'll miss it but i have a nice new car so its all good.  I can't believe the kids just started school and tomorrow night is already back to school night. This should be very interesting as both of them are in high school so i'll literally have to be in two places at once! You  know usually the mom will go to one and the dad will go to the other, not happening. Every year i get really depressed at back to school night. I see moms and dads and it makes me miss Mike so  much. Every damn year it's the same feeling, it's so unfair that he can't be here to watch his kids in high school, he'd be so proud of them, like i am. I just have to believe that he is up there with me when i go, he's up there watching them in school , the good , bad and the ugly. 
At any rate, things are kinda quiet around here, i guess that's good, no drama. But it's also very lonely. Ill tell you, within a room full of people i'm lonely.  There is always an inner turmoil sitting there. Never just peace. I'm seriously thinking of starting yoga or meditating. I could join a class, or do it alone but it seems when you join a class you are more likely to commit yourself. I need to be taught how to shut my brain down, how to shut the negative thoughts down, and how to stop the hamster wheel.  There is always about 10 things stirring in my head. most of them are problems i need to solve. or that damn to do list that will never ever end let alone get smaller instead of longer every day.  I often wonder, do other people have these issues, or is it me, just me. I know a lot of people do but is there a group of people out there that is so happy or are they just so good at hiding it.  who knows. its their secret. Well i'm off right now to get moving on the to do list, stare at my calendar some more. etc. 
Luv T. 

My mind wont let me be

I hate feeling this overwhelmed, and its nothing special, i dont have a deadline or a test or a paper due, no its just the fact that i have alot to do around the house, alot of paperwork, emails, things like that. And when i actually feel good and want to do things, i get anxious bc i get stuck. I sit here and think of all i can do, all i have to do, then it comes time to do it and i think oh id rather do this instead, back and forth my mind goes. So then i play bejeweled, and watch project runway.  Like im in mud, cant move. There is no reason besides myself stopping myself from getting shit done. I dont know how to stop this bullshit, its like you want to say " just get going, and do it"  Simply not that easy esp with ADHD and my mania.  There are times i get a good feeling and i get alot done but today i dont know why its just going in circles and im getting nothing done. Its just wasted time. I know it doesnt seem like a big deal, but this is what my mind does to me all the time, and its tiring.

ADHD truths

I am exhausted, long weekend at work, not bad though. Ive really been slacking on all the shit i have to do. So much paperwork , bills to go through. The usual. It never seems to get any easier. Im the best planner out there, but when it comes to execution and follow through its sad. I was reading an interesting article about how many women can escape the diagnosis of ADHD up until adulthood because they were able to fight it , overcome it, find ways around it, up until it was time to add managing a family, kids, finances for the family, ex- everything in life lol. Then it all falls apart. That is so the truth. I always wondered how i got A's and was sooo organized etc etc my whole life and now i miss paying the electric bill too many months in a row etc. Then i look back and remember all the color coded highlighting i did and all the index cards i created for studying and how i love stickers, and glitter and shiny things. I really did overcome it. Makes me pissed off bc i know my capabilities and yet, get stuck so often in this rut. 
Gotta keep on trying i guess. Night
xoxox

Where did "I"go?

Im wondering why my ADHD sometimes get out of control, when my meds havent changed and i thought i was on the right  path. I seem to get into a funk that lasts a few days, i dont want to touch anything. Then comes the next days where i freak out b/c nothing is in the right place, wash isnt put away, piles of mail are sitting , so i go full force and try to fix it all, irritated all the while but pleased when i finish. So why cant i stay like that all the time, or at least 90%. Life seems to be throwing some curve balls at me but im not one to hide from that, i keep on, just go go go. Lately ive been trying to figure out what it is that im missing, i think i just devote so much of my thinking to my kids or my home or my job that i lost the woman i was. I have lost interest in alot of things i used to do. Finding happiness has become very hard and im searching high and low, but when i have a set back as above, and am inactive lol, for a few days, i lose sight of the goal and the prize. You cant really live when its half a week! I have been sad alot lately, tears now and then, which i hate to admit. Feels weak. I dont know, seems time has betrayed me, its a concept i cant put in more words than that, its a feeling i just know. I really miss Mike, more than anyone can imagine, and bc i dont talk about it much or advertise it, i dont think anyone really knows the depths of my sorrow, my soul was ripped in half and taken away. I;ll never get that back . I cant wallow in it, but its an unimaginable pain that i bear everyday, and looking at my children makes me both happy and sad. i see mike in them more every day. Bittersweet to say the least. Im going to try and find me again, i dont see another choice!

Out with the old and in with the new

Well its been a long time since i last blogged. Ive been so out of the loop with it. It definitely makes me feel better but sometimes i just get sick of complaining. If i dont do it here , i tend to keep it inside, which is not a good thing for me! Seems like not much has changed. So many things to do and so little time. Procrastination overwhelms me. Hyper focusing is strong. I'll sit here on my laptop and research whatever it is im interested in that day, to its death. I have so many- a ridiculous number of bookmarks and saved pages and documents. So many that i couldnt pull up something on the fly. I look through them sometimes and try to delete them , thats another thing. I wouldnt call myself a hoarder but i hold on to things way too long. Then i think, hmmm im being treated for my ADHD, ive done therapy, im on meds, i read read read, do charts, buy planners, you name it. Yet im still this way. Am i ever going to change. Its so time consuming to try and multitask , well i dont try, it just happens, to the end result of 3 projects sitting there done half assed, or just half done. Im tired of it, but it seems like its only getting worse.
Then i think, how am i supposed to help my child with ADHD if i cant help myself. not the best role model. It has to be more of a do as i say, not what i do~!  Feeling like a hamster in a cage, getting no where fast.  
Christmas came and went. Uneventful. Its my fav holiday, but i dont know what happened this year. Every year i have the Christmas carols on the radio, from Thanksgiving on lol. I annoy the hell out of everyone, but i love it. I love decorating, love my tree. wrapping, shopping, the crisp air, lights, etc. But this year i did none of it. No Christmas music on, no tree, no happy excited feeling. Shoot i still have presents to wrap, for people i know i wont see for another week! I think this has been the most depressing xmas ever. Its the second year without Mike, and i guess the first one was only 5 months after he died, and we were still in a blur. This year it was so real and in your face. Subconsciously i think it affected me more than i knew. 
So where do i go from here? I have no clue. Im in a pretty dark place. I mean im ok but im not. Im getting by and doing what needs to be done. But i need to go the extra mile on alot of things in my life right now . Shall i say - New Years Resolutions lol. worth a shot!
Hugs T.