Losing again and again

If you cant trust your mate/significant other with your most inner fears and thoughts without fear of being laughed at or told you are being silly, then who can you tell? I think i know the answer, a stranger! Or even someone you dont know all that well. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen, or say" yeah, it may be a silly thought but hey, you are doing the best job you can, alone" or " i may not agree with you, but as your bf, im on your side,whatever you need, im here". Since when did those words become soooo difficult to find and say to your loved one. Maybe i dont necessarily even want your opinion, b/c i dont need it, its irrelevant , but being ignorant is beyond me. 
I guess thats why ive become one of those people that keep my private stuff private, lol besides here! I dont post on facebook, tell gossip, open my heart like i used to b/c ive learned it will very easily get stepped on, used against you etc. I guess i learned my lesson again, the hard way. Keep all my worries, my fears, my highs and my lows to myself, bc they arent appreciated, they are either ignored or made fun of. 
Thats fine, i can do that, but it  poses the question again , how can you have any type of long lasting or meaningful relationship if you keep losing trust over and over, only in a different way each time. Promises mean nothing without action. 
xoxox 

Fall is where my memories are

I cant wait for fall/winter. I love that time of year, with the yellow/orange/red leaves on the trees and on the ground , and the crisp chill in the air - how you can see your breath when its cold. I guess right prior to Halloween i start to feel it. There have been many a year i even tried to rush the holiday by putting out my Halloween decorations really early like Sept. lol. I think ill stick to Oct 1st this year, Thats right around the corner anyway. I dont know what we will do this year. The boys are 11 and 14 and even last year they really werent that interested in trick or treating. I made them go out with some friends of ours, it wasnt bad but it certainly wasnt the same as it used to be.
Every time i think of Halloween i think of me and mike dressing the boys up, I remember N was a clown one year, C was a transformer and when he was a baby, i dressed him up as a little duck. He looked so cute. We lived in an awesome neighborhood with a bunch of couples our age with children the same age. I mean like us and 7 other couples. It was so fun and i should have appreciated it more then but i have the memories. One of us would take the kids around the cul de sac and the other - usually me - would hand out candy at the door. ah the memories. Thinking of that, i cant believe still that mike isnt here and i get pissed at the unfairness of it all. I wish the boys remembered all those times, i guess thats what im here for! 
Anyway, i cant wait for fall. 
xoxo

why, why and why??

There are so many things in life that i will just never understand, like how the washer and dryer can actually eat your socks and underwear, how when making an appt, 10am really means you have to be there at 930a or its cancelled, how so many people go on maury and steve wilkos talk shows and deny they molested or cheated, when they know they are gonna fail that lie detector test (my favorite is the trick in the green room!) for all you hard core maury fans! How is it that you can have a career in which you do so good, all good for years, yet one made up or embellished comment can ruin you in a day, how someone can say they love you and then leave you, how people can be so selfish and not use please and thankyou. I wonder why some people (the good ones) die horrible deaths and the bad people slide by. I really dont understand how people are your "friends" yet drop you on a dime, how coffee can make you crazy and me sleep. Why do some people get cancer and some dont. Why is there so much grief in life? why are we measured by our wealth?, why do basketball players make millions but paying overtime to a single mom nurse staying with her pt a little longer is a crime.Why some people lie ? HOw can someone have more than one personality in their bodies/minds. why do some people get to have out of body experiences and see the light, how can i have all this energy and you cant get off the couch. Why depression lasts so long. Is there more to life than this? is this it? is this all i should be doing?

The saga continues

I love reading comments on blogs, i try and leave one when i read, just to let the blogger know, im interested, i can relate, and i like to read your writing. Its definately a motivation to keep blogging. I mean, for instance, someone writes a book, and its not on the best seller list b/c no one comments on it, even if its great, no one knows. Makes it easy to give up, why would they write a sequel if they didnt know anyone liked the first. Just a thought. 
I had applied to university to further my nursing career, rn to bsn program. And i got accepted. I was to start in fall 2012. I applied last xmas time. now im having issues, with the ignorant nurse lady in charge. shes just ignorant. So i dont think im going to West Chester university anymore. Id rather do an online thing anyhow.
I found this website, where it tells you what twitter people unfollow you, mention you, etc. So im unfollowing all the ignorant people who dont want to read my tweets anymore. guess i bore some of them. hahah. Yeah im like that, im one of those people who have to get you back to feel better when i feel hurt. I guess it can seem childish, im not even like that all the time. I just think that when i get my feelings hurt, - i wanna make that person feel shitty, i know im like ten years old right. lol oh well, its one of my bad things, dont have that many . 
I dont know why men dont understand directions, i mean just little life things, not building a city or acing a physics test. when you tell your man you need more , more words, more i love yous, more you are great hun, anything, i mean i feel loved in other ways but that is lacking and i really respond to that. So when i tell him, straight up, almost exactly what to say, for years lol, and he doesnt do it, why is he suprised that im not extra lovable all the time. I need it and hes gotta learn the hard way. 
Anyhow im going for now. going to see how i can suddenly come up with alot of money in a short period of time lol- yeah right.

Guilted up again

So the boys are gone , i hate this so much. I was so tired, couldnt sleep when i tried last night. Got them to the bus, went to my doctor appt, helped my friend out with the beef and beer last minute things and then came home. It was around 2ish. I laid on the couch cause my eyes were tired and boom, im out. Alseep unitl like 8p when i wake up. Now, im pissed, i gotta get them ready to go to Bil's house. packed, make sure homework goes , medicines are packed. etc etc. And i dont want to move!! Finally got them out by 930p. And i didnt even get to spend time with them. Now they were perfectly content im sure playing video games without my nagging voice in the background. Eating poptarts and granola bars lol. And they were fine. It just sparked up that guilt factor. I was going to take them to bookstore and then out to eat. Guess those plans got squashed. Now i wont see them until sunday night, when its the rush of getting ready for bed and school in the morning. I get no fun time, no down time, during the school year. Its the rush of the school year etc etc. I'll have to make it up to them next week. Hey at least ive been getting them up , breakfast, dressed and to the bus stop ON TIME. Thats a plus, bonus point for me. I guess i cant have it all. Well not all at once anyway!!