Supermom and the guilt.

You know i totally buy into this supermom/superwoman model that the world today has set up for us. I also am realizing the guilt that comes along with it. I remember my mother in law said to me, not so long ago, "Oh i remember you used to dress Nicholas so nice, he always looked so cute "etc. Now Nicholas is 13yrs old, and when i had him i was 27yrs old, just married and he was our first baby. OF COURSE he looked cute. See the way it was said was that he USED to look like that, and I USED to be on top of everything and in control. Now im apparently not. I guess she doesnt notice the Abercrombie and Fitch clothes that both my boys wear or their Gap jeans, calvin klien underwear. Im in control now and they looked damned cute.  I bust my ass so they do. It just felt like a dig and i dont think im being over sensitive. 
It seems today that our world has created this supermom model that we are supposed to ( and even as a single mother) have it all under control, or at least look the part. I think i need to practice on looking the part. I work, part time, every weekend, we have 2 cars, they go to a private school.,  we have food, breakfast lunch and dinner, and many more things. At times im so proud of myself for doing it alone. But then i see where i may falter in one area, so my desk area is a total mess, or i cant find my keys for 20min at a time, those boys get on the bus on time every morning. I look and read magazine articles, "how do you do it?" for todays moms, how do they? i mean , it gets done but im a mess inside. Im always feeling guilty that i didnt spend enough time with them , quality time, or that im setting a bad example when i say the F word (only now and then) or when i let them stay up late. Am i a bad mom? I feel like i am, alot. And its because of this "supermom" model that is out there, im 40 and somewhat successful, what is it going to make our teenagers strive for, and when they cant fulfill it, do they write a blog? or shove a pillow over their babies screaming mouth, you get the gist?
So, im gonna try and let go of the guilt, bc what good is it? The ones that should feel guilty for being bad moms, dont even know they are! My kids are great, i love them, and take care of them, and they know it. when i kiss their little noses at night, they know it..

Guilted up again

So the boys are gone , i hate this so much. I was so tired, couldnt sleep when i tried last night. Got them to the bus, went to my doctor appt, helped my friend out with the beef and beer last minute things and then came home. It was around 2ish. I laid on the couch cause my eyes were tired and boom, im out. Alseep unitl like 8p when i wake up. Now, im pissed, i gotta get them ready to go to Bil's house. packed, make sure homework goes , medicines are packed. etc etc. And i dont want to move!! Finally got them out by 930p. And i didnt even get to spend time with them. Now they were perfectly content im sure playing video games without my nagging voice in the background. Eating poptarts and granola bars lol. And they were fine. It just sparked up that guilt factor. I was going to take them to bookstore and then out to eat. Guess those plans got squashed. Now i wont see them until sunday night, when its the rush of getting ready for bed and school in the morning. I get no fun time, no down time, during the school year. Its the rush of the school year etc etc. I'll have to make it up to them next week. Hey at least ive been getting them up , breakfast, dressed and to the bus stop ON TIME. Thats a plus, bonus point for me. I guess i cant have it all. Well not all at once anyway!!

Guilty of what??

What to say, hmm- well alots on my mind but nothing in particular - its like that!  My mind has been spinning like the hamster cage, but i cant say im upset or depressed or anything. I kinda feel numb! And thats no good either. That may be worse, i would like to be happy about something. I think its b/c my sleep has been really screwed up, and I know sleep is important in every aspect of life. Mental/emotional mindfullness included. Im getting tired of sleeping all day. I think somehow that i should be able to stay up late -well stay up, and keep going and going and then sleep. Its getting me unorganized- which is my goal. Im not writing stuff down like i do and im forgetting appts or im double booking, ugh.
Right in time for school, right! This is the time that im supposed to be supermom. Get everyone ready for school. 5th and 7th grade- its alot they need. We have a homework basket, and this year i bought new baskets and i need to put it all together, see what we need etc. Well i emptied the old one and the contents have been sitting on the floor here with the other 2 baskets Waiting, since this morning. Ive done nothing with it all day!  Its actually been driving me crazy, so i have to tackle it. 
One of the major feelings i have, i have realized lately is Guilt. I always feel guilty that im not doing enough for the kids. Guilt that im not June Cleaver , guilt that im not like every other mom out there. I think my expectations of myself are very high. And ill never meet them. I want to have high energy, get up early with the kids, be happy lol, but im a night owl, and ive never been high energy like i want to be. Im tired alot, things feel like chores, half of it is mind games im sure. I could get up but i dont. I get really mad at myself. And then i feel guilty. I read an article on guilt once. I bookmarked it im sure but the ADD girl that i am, can i find it out of the 200bookmarks i have here on my laptop? Doubt it. It was about letting go of the guilt and reading it made me feel good. Like i wasnt alone.
Well let me go look for it, and get moving on this work i have to do.
HUGS

I gotta get rid of this feeling!!!

Im so miserable, im really trying to put on the happy face, for the kids- while im awake that is.  Im starting to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, i know it all too well. I cant describe it, its just an ugly feeling.  I used to get it alot, then when my meds are right, and i feel good, its gone, like its never been there before. I cant stand it tho, its just knawing and unsettling and uncomfortable and i WANT IT GONE!!! I took a xanax, dont know or remember if that helps or not. Worth a try tho.
I dont think this new AD -Pristiq, (the new effexor) is working. Its not doing a damn thing. I've been taking it for 2 weeks and i feel nothing but extra nothing. I dont want to keep taking it, but i dont want to just stop. I'll put in another call to my shrink tomorrow. I dont have my appt till the end of next week and thats too long. I know in my heart of hearts that nothing, no pill, no combo, will ever make me feel what i ache to feel- settled . Im always bouncing back and forth, and the bad is staying longer these times, its getting harder to bounce back. Im stuck.
I feel so guilty that im wasting all this time with the boys, they need me. They just lost their dad a year ago, im supposed to be making up for it somehow. I cant even feel like a good mom right now. Im going to take the boys out to the diner to eat dinner tonight. That is all they want, something simple, just to get out and do something different, but its SO HARD for me. WHY?? Why is it so freakin hard to get up and out of the house and get dinner, shit i dont even have to worry about cooking. But its killing me even thinking about it. When did this come full circle, i wasnt always this way.
I know it doesnt seem like it but im trying so hard to be right, its like i have to convince myself and i cant even do that. I feel worthless today.