I'M getting really tired of all this bullshit , it's just so much anymore, i don't understand why the sun just won't shine over me. \Sure i've made some shitty decisions but i think i've made up for most of it. \i've tried at least.
I would love to understand how people think its ok to give ultimatums when it comes to friends just because they feel threatened by them.. That's all it is, because if they were secure, and trusted their partner they would let them have all the friends in the world, guy girl, blue black purple. who cares. But no,ht when they want you all to themselves you know its a problem. its scary. where is my choice , why isn't it up to me whom i befriend.
You know, you go through life and meet a bunch of people, a lot come and go, rarely do any stay. You may find one , maybe one, that is honest, trustworthy and just an overall good person, and you are supposed to let them slip away because someone else is jealous or does not share your thoughts, yeah. I'm so over this , in the midst of all this inner turmoil i now have to deal with this. Why is it always something, why is it so hard, it's not supposed to be hard. and your loved ones should see this and not pressure you and in the end try and make you make a decision on their terms, one they may regret. But let them go ahead and try and make your life miserable, only thing is, i've learned no can make me miserable but myself and those i let do it to me. And i'm not.
Enough for now\
Luv T.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Take me or leave me, no just leave me !!!
Im just so disappointed, in other people but mostly in myself. To say ive been taken is an understatement. But really i have no one to blame but me. I really need to stop being so nice, only to get lied to , walked over, stolen from, and just really disappointed in humanity. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, well im learning that society is just not so nice. Im proving myself wrong but it is costing me an arm and a leg. It seems to be that the more you give people ,of yourself and of monetary things, the more they take. Ive been more than generous over the years to people, only to have them steal from me when im not looking. I don't expect it from them because who would steal from someone that is giving you whatever you needed. Oh im sorry maybe its as simple as im giving it to you in a blue cup and you want it in gold. If its not the way you want it, its just not what it is. How can we tell these intruders from the friends and family we thought we were so close to. How do we know if there words are lies and they are making the "bad person" worse than they are. I mean one person can only have so much bad luck. Shouldn't i have seen that? Is there a test we should be giving? Or am i just to turn into a complete non giving non caring bitch in order to maintain my dignity and keep myself safe. I suppose so. I guess when you find that you cant advance your relationship whether it be friendship or love , because normal everyday things are out of the question and your relationship revolves around one thing or another, usually something that is going to positively impact said friend etc. In layman terms, they are using you for something and it takes awhile to get the gist of it.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The saga continues
I love reading comments on blogs, i try and leave one when i read, just to let the blogger know, im interested, i can relate, and i like to read your writing. Its definately a motivation to keep blogging. I mean, for instance, someone writes a book, and its not on the best seller list b/c no one comments on it, even if its great, no one knows. Makes it easy to give up, why would they write a sequel if they didnt know anyone liked the first. Just a thought.
I had applied to university to further my nursing career, rn to bsn program. And i got accepted. I was to start in fall 2012. I applied last xmas time. now im having issues, with the ignorant nurse lady in charge. shes just ignorant. So i dont think im going to West Chester university anymore. Id rather do an online thing anyhow.
I found this website, where it tells you what twitter people unfollow you, mention you, etc. So im unfollowing all the ignorant people who dont want to read my tweets anymore. guess i bore some of them. hahah. Yeah im like that, im one of those people who have to get you back to feel better when i feel hurt. I guess it can seem childish, im not even like that all the time. I just think that when i get my feelings hurt, - i wanna make that person feel shitty, i know im like ten years old right. lol oh well, its one of my bad things, dont have that many .
I dont know why men dont understand directions, i mean just little life things, not building a city or acing a physics test. when you tell your man you need more , more words, more i love yous, more you are great hun, anything, i mean i feel loved in other ways but that is lacking and i really respond to that. So when i tell him, straight up, almost exactly what to say, for years lol, and he doesnt do it, why is he suprised that im not extra lovable all the time. I need it and hes gotta learn the hard way.
Anyhow im going for now. going to see how i can suddenly come up with alot of money in a short period of time lol- yeah right.
I had applied to university to further my nursing career, rn to bsn program. And i got accepted. I was to start in fall 2012. I applied last xmas time. now im having issues, with the ignorant nurse lady in charge. shes just ignorant. So i dont think im going to West Chester university anymore. Id rather do an online thing anyhow.
I found this website, where it tells you what twitter people unfollow you, mention you, etc. So im unfollowing all the ignorant people who dont want to read my tweets anymore. guess i bore some of them. hahah. Yeah im like that, im one of those people who have to get you back to feel better when i feel hurt. I guess it can seem childish, im not even like that all the time. I just think that when i get my feelings hurt, - i wanna make that person feel shitty, i know im like ten years old right. lol oh well, its one of my bad things, dont have that many .
I dont know why men dont understand directions, i mean just little life things, not building a city or acing a physics test. when you tell your man you need more , more words, more i love yous, more you are great hun, anything, i mean i feel loved in other ways but that is lacking and i really respond to that. So when i tell him, straight up, almost exactly what to say, for years lol, and he doesnt do it, why is he suprised that im not extra lovable all the time. I need it and hes gotta learn the hard way.
Anyhow im going for now. going to see how i can suddenly come up with alot of money in a short period of time lol- yeah right.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Im gonna be changing it up a bit!
what losers are there out there, that all they have to do is sit in their MOMMAs basement- or should i say, kitchin table (haha) and judge me. If you dont like me or what i write, dont read it. Dont you have a job to be at! Im over here, voicing my opinions so that people may enjoy reading my blog. And plenty do. So if you want to sit there and call us :losers: , if that makes you feel better, whatever.
You know its losers like this that make me feel like, why do i even do this. In fact, i think ill be changing up this blog, like some friends of mine had to. Private invite only, so losers like you dont come and talk big shit behind your screen. i love my ip addy lookup too!! hahah
xoxo T.
You know its losers like this that make me feel like, why do i even do this. In fact, i think ill be changing up this blog, like some friends of mine had to. Private invite only, so losers like you dont come and talk big shit behind your screen. i love my ip addy lookup too!! hahah
xoxo T.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Cyber buddies- loyal to the end.
Ive found that people who you dont even really know , like the ones you may meet online- in a sup.port group, or on a forum where you are both looking for the same answers, sharing the same grief, etc, can be some of the best friends you will meet. They rarely judge you and pretty much are always there for you, even to just listen for a few minutes while you vent. It may sound silly to people , most of whom have never experienced this type of friendship before.
Ive met so many different kinds of people like this and usually end up being pretty good friends. Because in the world today, people pretty much have their own agenda. Whatever is important or going on in their life at that time occupies them and they have no room for anyone else, let alone their little whines here and there. Shut themselves off to the ones that care about them the most. Not even thinking that when the worst may be over, will they still be there ? Now the people you meet online, well you went looking for each other, b/c instead of shutting out the world , you wanted to share your grief, share your quest for answers, and just be some company .
We are all soooo busy in life, but how busy can we be that we cant pick up the phone, say hi, send a text - nothing extravagant, just simple. Its nice to know that there are people out there, they dont care what you look like, what your house looks like, what car you drive, etc. They friend you on a level that many of us cant comprehend. Though they may be cyberfriends., living halfway round the world in another time zone, Ive found they are more loyal than the ones that live down the street.
Ive met so many different kinds of people like this and usually end up being pretty good friends. Because in the world today, people pretty much have their own agenda. Whatever is important or going on in their life at that time occupies them and they have no room for anyone else, let alone their little whines here and there. Shut themselves off to the ones that care about them the most. Not even thinking that when the worst may be over, will they still be there ? Now the people you meet online, well you went looking for each other, b/c instead of shutting out the world , you wanted to share your grief, share your quest for answers, and just be some company .
We are all soooo busy in life, but how busy can we be that we cant pick up the phone, say hi, send a text - nothing extravagant, just simple. Its nice to know that there are people out there, they dont care what you look like, what your house looks like, what car you drive, etc. They friend you on a level that many of us cant comprehend. Though they may be cyberfriends., living halfway round the world in another time zone, Ive found they are more loyal than the ones that live down the street.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Feeling abandoned and grouchy!!
Im getting really tired of feeling this way. I guess its resorting back to the time in my life where i often felt abandoned. Or maybe its bc im in a foul mood. Im very irritable and everyone and everything is getting on my nerves. I dont know if its just me or what. I cant tolerate much these days. Too much noise, never alone to just sit or do anything. In charge of everything, responsible for everything and im just tired of it. Im thinking i need to pick up extra time at work for money- xmas, yet someone else is just sitting here on there azz playing video games. wtf.
So anyway abandoned yes, like if i make friends, or start a friendship or even an old one. If that person is there like alot, every day etc to talk to - it feels good. i feel appreciated, needed, wanted, special. RIGHT. So when that person disappears for a couple days, weeks etc i take it personally. I know that they dont owe me anything, i may not even know them well, but to me its like they left me b/c they didnt like me enough. I said or i did something wrong. I wasnt important enough. To feel like a real friend i want to be there everyday in some way. I've always wanted a best friend. Havent had one in a long time. Maybe bc im too needy or i expect too much. But then i wonder, why arent there other people out there that feel like me, and if there are, why havent i come across them yet?
Ive got so much to do. SOOO much, i often feel overwhelmed, it feels like too much for me. But i dont ask for much help. I dont want to ask for it, it should be there for me. But i guess since i always do it all, ill always be expected to keep doing it all. and i dont feel appreciated by anyone.
Im very sad. and IRRITABLE. \
Hope this passes soon.
Hugs T.
So anyway abandoned yes, like if i make friends, or start a friendship or even an old one. If that person is there like alot, every day etc to talk to - it feels good. i feel appreciated, needed, wanted, special. RIGHT. So when that person disappears for a couple days, weeks etc i take it personally. I know that they dont owe me anything, i may not even know them well, but to me its like they left me b/c they didnt like me enough. I said or i did something wrong. I wasnt important enough. To feel like a real friend i want to be there everyday in some way. I've always wanted a best friend. Havent had one in a long time. Maybe bc im too needy or i expect too much. But then i wonder, why arent there other people out there that feel like me, and if there are, why havent i come across them yet?
Ive got so much to do. SOOO much, i often feel overwhelmed, it feels like too much for me. But i dont ask for much help. I dont want to ask for it, it should be there for me. But i guess since i always do it all, ill always be expected to keep doing it all. and i dont feel appreciated by anyone.
Im very sad. and IRRITABLE. \
Hope this passes soon.
Hugs T.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Real friends? is there really
You know what really bothers me, when you have a friend, who would prefer to tell Facebook rather than you about whatever is new in their life. I mean i understand social networking and the fun of it all. You could tell both ya know. I just wish i had someone as my friend that thought "i cant wait to tell "T" rather than, "oh i gotta post this on facebook!"
Maybe its me, maybe it just goes back to the beliefs i have, i try and get interested and involved in my friends lives, i wanna be there for them, so i believe they will be there for me. Karma thing. But it just seems no one is receptive anymore. Maybe i dont do it right! Maybe they dont know or care to know. I have no idea. Its lonely without friends, i mean the real ones too. Shoot i have a million "friends" acquaintances, etc. I mean the real deal. So hard to find, and keep happy. Maybe ill figure it out one day, maybe not.
T.
Maybe its me, maybe it just goes back to the beliefs i have, i try and get interested and involved in my friends lives, i wanna be there for them, so i believe they will be there for me. Karma thing. But it just seems no one is receptive anymore. Maybe i dont do it right! Maybe they dont know or care to know. I have no idea. Its lonely without friends, i mean the real ones too. Shoot i have a million "friends" acquaintances, etc. I mean the real deal. So hard to find, and keep happy. Maybe ill figure it out one day, maybe not.
T.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Acquaintances arent that bad, right??
I try to be a good friend, i really do care when people confide in me ,when they tell me about their joys and sorrows, i can keep a secret, i;ll never deny help to anyone and i love to help out-be needed- make it better. It makes me feel good to know im making a difference,etc. Probably why im a nurse. So why is it that i come across as selfish and that its all about me? I dont want any answers really! Its not a real question to you!! lol.
I dont know how there could be such a discrepancy . And if so, how in the heck do i fix it if i dont see it. I've gone to therapy over the years, ive been through alot in my 39 yrs of life, and in the past few years i've grown to really like /love myself . I got tired of beating myself up for things i cant change. Ive always stood up for myself but now i think i believe it more. Yes, i have flaws and i have insecurities and i may not believe in myself as much as i used to ( in my younger years) but i've matured in the fact that I really dont care if you like what i say or what i wear , i like myself and im not changing for anyone. If you dont like me, its your loss. It may be like i said in my last post, maybe i dont ACT happy enough or seem that i care enough. Maybe its that im too sarcastic and people dont really know if im kidding or not. People mistake what i mean alot, if im your friend, i never mean to speak ill of you or make fun of you. If people really got to know me, they would know its just my demeanor , and actions speak louder than words, or the tone of words.
So, at any rate, I reach out, i try to be a friend, a real one. Making friends is harder than it used to be. Im not around moms anymore like i was when my kids were younger and doing tons of activities. I dont belong to any clubs, I take care of my kids, go to work, and really just try to get by everyday. You know its like the sayings, you cant cheat a cheater, or you cant lie to a liar (yes i just made that up lol) i see things for what they are, i see people for what they are, im very aware.
So when do i stop trying? (again, not a real question). I dont want to stop but how many times can i open myself up and get nothing in return. How many attempts at finding a really good friend, one that doesnt ignore me or talk about me, or leave me in the dust, do i make. its so disheartening. The only positive i can take from it is that if i only have acquaintances and nothing more, i cant be hurt as bad. I just have to make that choice, put that wall back up and leave it at that.
HUGS
T.
I dont know how there could be such a discrepancy . And if so, how in the heck do i fix it if i dont see it. I've gone to therapy over the years, ive been through alot in my 39 yrs of life, and in the past few years i've grown to really like /love myself . I got tired of beating myself up for things i cant change. Ive always stood up for myself but now i think i believe it more. Yes, i have flaws and i have insecurities and i may not believe in myself as much as i used to ( in my younger years) but i've matured in the fact that I really dont care if you like what i say or what i wear , i like myself and im not changing for anyone. If you dont like me, its your loss. It may be like i said in my last post, maybe i dont ACT happy enough or seem that i care enough. Maybe its that im too sarcastic and people dont really know if im kidding or not. People mistake what i mean alot, if im your friend, i never mean to speak ill of you or make fun of you. If people really got to know me, they would know its just my demeanor , and actions speak louder than words, or the tone of words.
So, at any rate, I reach out, i try to be a friend, a real one. Making friends is harder than it used to be. Im not around moms anymore like i was when my kids were younger and doing tons of activities. I dont belong to any clubs, I take care of my kids, go to work, and really just try to get by everyday. You know its like the sayings, you cant cheat a cheater, or you cant lie to a liar (yes i just made that up lol) i see things for what they are, i see people for what they are, im very aware.
So when do i stop trying? (again, not a real question). I dont want to stop but how many times can i open myself up and get nothing in return. How many attempts at finding a really good friend, one that doesnt ignore me or talk about me, or leave me in the dust, do i make. its so disheartening. The only positive i can take from it is that if i only have acquaintances and nothing more, i cant be hurt as bad. I just have to make that choice, put that wall back up and leave it at that.
HUGS
T.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Really bad mood
Ive just been having a bad few days. My mood is down, i just feel like crap. Im in a rut, and i gotta get out cause i feel like im sinking quick. I really dont have much to say , i just wanted to check in. Now with me, this mood could get better today, or it could get worse. Rarely will it stay the same. I just feel like im stuck in the same day over and over , and its not a good day. Ive let relationships slowly fall apart, and then i wonder why i dont have any close friends. Its my fault. I dont keep my end of the deal. and its because im so god damn moody. Im just tired of all of this.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
organiziation is working!!
today has been good, although i got a late start, 1pm, haha. well granted i didnt fall asleep unitl like 4/5 am. But i was awakened by my phone, i really never hear it when im sleeping but i got lucky. It was my shrink returning my call. All these new meds ive been trying in attempt to elevate my mood are not cutting it. All they do is give me nasty side effects. So i called him to tell him i cant take it anymore and i want to try my prozac again. I didnt think it was working but now i think it did more than i thought. It evened me out. Ive been very irritable, short tempered and grouchy lately. And i havent felt like that in forever. So he is reordering it. YEAHHH . Ahh to feel somewhat normal again, i cant wait.
Anyway after i woke, got my good news, and got my coffee, i started organizing the crap in my "area" of the living room. Got alot accomplished as far as organizing. Things are back in place. I feel good. Right now, im actually a little bored, that is rare. But, we are going out to dinner soon with the family to celebrate my sons 13th birthday!! Time flies. So that will occupy some time. I think i just get lonely as i dont really have alot ( barely any) girlfriends that i talk with everyday , that i confide in, laugh with, trust. Thats sad, but i dont know. I have alot of "friends" aquaintances , i get along with everyone. Im kind, helpful, funny, etc but keeping close friends is just difficult for me. Maybe i talk to much. i wish i knew. I could learn and change but i dont. I just keep trying. Anyway im lonely.
what i did decide is that im going to try and exercise. Its been awhile, but i used to do it all the time and i know it works wonders for the mood. I wanna try zumba. I cant just walk on a treadmill , etc. Its too boring for my ADD mind. I think at least zumba will keep me moving and not bored. So maybe ill look into joining the Y. Now thats something positive for the whole family!!!
TTYL HUGS
T.
Anyway after i woke, got my good news, and got my coffee, i started organizing the crap in my "area" of the living room. Got alot accomplished as far as organizing. Things are back in place. I feel good. Right now, im actually a little bored, that is rare. But, we are going out to dinner soon with the family to celebrate my sons 13th birthday!! Time flies. So that will occupy some time. I think i just get lonely as i dont really have alot ( barely any) girlfriends that i talk with everyday , that i confide in, laugh with, trust. Thats sad, but i dont know. I have alot of "friends" aquaintances , i get along with everyone. Im kind, helpful, funny, etc but keeping close friends is just difficult for me. Maybe i talk to much. i wish i knew. I could learn and change but i dont. I just keep trying. Anyway im lonely.
what i did decide is that im going to try and exercise. Its been awhile, but i used to do it all the time and i know it works wonders for the mood. I wanna try zumba. I cant just walk on a treadmill , etc. Its too boring for my ADD mind. I think at least zumba will keep me moving and not bored. So maybe ill look into joining the Y. Now thats something positive for the whole family!!!
TTYL HUGS
T.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
OK OK< im back!
Im back, i never really left, but i was in a pissy mood. Now i feel somewhat better. I've been so down, slept the last 3 days , i mean i was up for a little but basically asleep. Depression sucks, makes you sleep when you didnt think you had any sleep left in you. I saw my shrink today. Adjusted my meds AGAIN> Will we ever get it right? Im off the Pristiq, thank god, now i just am left with electrical surges in my brain, hopefully it wont last too long. He put me back on my Adderall and increased my Vyvanse- im ok with that. Starting a new AD- Viibryd. Its brand spanking new. Im actually the first one to get it filled at my pharmacy- wow , a real guinea pig!! Guess we will see huh. Secondly he put me on Geodon, a mood stabilizer. I thought it would make me tired, but he told me the opposite, do these doctors really know half the side effects of the meds they perscribe? . I'll figure that one out on my own.
We are still trying to figure out why im continuing to sleep on the couch every night and have no regular sleep schedule. We know im doing it on purpose and there is no reason i cant sleep in my bed and take my sleep meds like i used to. But im fighting it. He thinks its because i can escape the world if im ass backwards. If i wake up and have a normal day, it means facing the depression, facing the pain, facing the anger i still have towards Mike, my husband that died a year ago- of cancer. Im still pissed at him, for alot of reasons, guess i havent gotten past that stage of grief- maybe i really do need to see someone for bereavement. Maybe i cant do it all alone. Maybe im really not superwoman.
I know i can change these habits i started, i know im strong enough - ive got to take the first step. I have a great bed, i bought a new mattress pad- pillowtop, 600 thread count, etc. i bought a new pillow, i bought a new quilt, i have my trazadone and xanax. Why cant i do what i used to LOVE to do. Get in my jammies, take my meds, and watch tv till i fell asleep in my big cozy bed. It used to be heaven. Instead i sleep on a couch- very comfy tho- with a blanket ???
I would like to thank my new follower, She came right when i needed, and although it seems trivial, its not. Its the little things in life, that count sometimes. Anyway, i hope she does start blogging again.
TTYS. HUGS ALL
T>
We are still trying to figure out why im continuing to sleep on the couch every night and have no regular sleep schedule. We know im doing it on purpose and there is no reason i cant sleep in my bed and take my sleep meds like i used to. But im fighting it. He thinks its because i can escape the world if im ass backwards. If i wake up and have a normal day, it means facing the depression, facing the pain, facing the anger i still have towards Mike, my husband that died a year ago- of cancer. Im still pissed at him, for alot of reasons, guess i havent gotten past that stage of grief- maybe i really do need to see someone for bereavement. Maybe i cant do it all alone. Maybe im really not superwoman.
I know i can change these habits i started, i know im strong enough - ive got to take the first step. I have a great bed, i bought a new mattress pad- pillowtop, 600 thread count, etc. i bought a new pillow, i bought a new quilt, i have my trazadone and xanax. Why cant i do what i used to LOVE to do. Get in my jammies, take my meds, and watch tv till i fell asleep in my big cozy bed. It used to be heaven. Instead i sleep on a couch- very comfy tho- with a blanket ???
I would like to thank my new follower, She came right when i needed, and although it seems trivial, its not. Its the little things in life, that count sometimes. Anyway, i hope she does start blogging again.
TTYS. HUGS ALL
T>
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