Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Acquaintances arent that bad, right??

I try to be a good friend, i really do care when people confide in me ,when they tell me about their joys and sorrows, i can keep a secret, i;ll never deny help to anyone and i love to help out-be needed- make it better. It makes me feel good to know im making a difference,etc. Probably why im a nurse. So why is it that i come across as selfish and that its all about me? I dont want any answers really! Its not a real question to you!! lol.
I dont know how there could be such a discrepancy . And if so, how in the heck do i fix it if i dont see it. I've gone to therapy over the years, ive been through alot in my 39 yrs of life, and in the past few years i've grown to really like /love myself . I got tired of beating myself up for things i cant change. Ive always stood up for myself but now i think i believe it more. Yes, i have flaws and i have insecurities and i may not believe in myself as much as i used to ( in my younger years) but i've matured in the fact that I really dont care if you like what i say or what i wear , i like myself and im not changing for anyone. If you dont like me, its your loss. It may be like i said in my last post, maybe i dont ACT happy enough or seem that i care enough. Maybe its that im too sarcastic and people dont really know if im kidding or not. People mistake what i mean alot, if im your friend, i never mean to speak ill of you or make fun of you.  If people really got to know me, they would know its just my demeanor , and actions speak louder than words, or the tone of words.
So, at any rate, I reach out, i try to be a friend, a real one. Making friends is harder than it used to be. Im not around moms anymore like i was when my kids were younger and doing tons of activities. I dont belong to any clubs, I take care of my kids, go to work, and really just try to get by everyday. You know its like the sayings, you cant cheat a cheater, or you cant lie to a liar (yes i just made that up lol) i see things for what they are, i see people for what they are, im very aware.
So when do i stop trying? (again, not a real question). I dont want to stop but how many times can i open myself up and get nothing in return. How many attempts at finding a really good friend, one that doesnt ignore me or talk about me, or leave me in the dust, do i make. its so disheartening. The only positive i can take from it is that if i only have acquaintances and nothing more, i cant be hurt as bad. I just have to make that choice, put that wall back up and leave it at that.