Alone but on the inside,

I hate the strange feeling that has come over me, it often does for no reason at all. Its just a sense of melancholy , sadness, loneliness. Its like i could be with many people but i'm still alone. Its not a good feeling at all. Once it sets in its very hard to shake too.  \i mean good things have been happening but i'm almost waiting for the bottom to drop or the black cloud to return,  I'M trying so hard to be everything to everyone. b/c everyone needs something different from me. It gets tiring.  and then, who is there to give to me, I mean who can actually understand and make me feel at ease when i feel like this, hmm. I wish.  Also confusing, i don't want to sleep but i don't want to be awake, i'm so confused. 
I just thought id drop in and say hi, vent a little and maybe break up the monotony going on over here. I just want to feel better inside is all.
Luv T. 

Money SUCKS!!!

I hate money, its the source of all evil. lol, really i love money, when i have it. Lately i dont know whats been going on but my money is disappearing quicker than i can get it. Its spent before my check gets direct deposited. I know i messed up my paycheck quite a few months ago, and it does take a long time, for those who dont know anything about money problems lol, it takes a long time to get it back together and catch up.  Then that leads to depression, and in my case, that is so true bc spending money is my high, it makes me so happy, and the only money ive been spending is for gas in my car, no happy dances been done at the local gas station either!! My friends at Starbucks are forgetting what i look like and my mouth is watering for my latte!! And i didnt get this way- poor- by overly spending. Its for other reasons,  i can quite say but lets just say bc my heart is bigger than my bank account lately!
 So i havent been around so much, you think id of been here to bitch more lol, but when i get depressed i tend to withdrawl from the world. Its not a good thing , I mean i have been working alot extra too , ugly hours haha, but its worth it. I have to, for my kids sake. Its a shame when their father died, he left them money but its in the hands of someone else, someone who doesnt seem to care if we have electricity or not, boy i thought that fell under the catagory of health, safety, etc. I know Mike wouldnt want this, what is gong on, no matter what the reason, he wouldnt want to see us struggling so hard, and to see the boys sad that im having a hard time, they can see it, read it in my demeanor, oh well. so i go on, the single latte mommy, doing what i have to to make it better for us - my family. 
HUGS xoxo

Theres a hurricaine forecasted!

what else can go wrong? When it rains it pours, hmm what other little sayings are there for "Im screwed , again"  It just makes me want to go crawl under a rock. Its my own fault, i f'd it up, big time. You know when your friends are like, "im so broke, i have no money" and you know they are exaggerating, and they are fine, well, im not one of those people. I am broke. not a dime. Lets just say, i paid the rent on Friday for $xy and the check didn't clear yet. I checked my online acct today, now i knew i didn't have alot of money but i just checked it and it has $xy- xyz. Get it? Yeah right, im in the negative, in the red ($xyz).. So, if you can add, subtract, blah blah, you'll now realize that the rent check wont clear, well it will clear, but i will also pay a nice $105.oo overdraft fee to my f'd up bank. Yeah and then i have nothing left and i just got paid Friday, not to be paid again for 2 weeks. Hmm , ok. now what, what ingenious idea can i come up with this time. I already did this last pay, and its worse before it gets better. Like i said, my fault. i forgot to put my vacation time in when i was off, and my manager oh so friendly like, didn't care to notice that i was getting paid for 8 of the 48hours per pay that i work. What does she think im Trump and don't need to be paid. Its not her job but really, thanks! 

So as i sit here and cry (sorry, but i cant help it)  Then of course i go into to the "why me, why cant i be taken care of? Why wasn't i taken care of when i was left alone to raise 2 boys alone, did i say alone?  Was i really dismissed, , turned away, untrusted  or overlooked that easily. It would seem i would be a priority being im alone with the boys. im so tired of trying, of fighting , of figuring out all of life's problems.  I just want to be happy, or content, something other than i am, but like i said, when it rains it pours and its a hurricane out there. I just need some shelter, or even an umbrella.

Lets try this again!

Hi everyone, lets try this again, with no rude comments please! As i stated before, if you dont like it, dont read it. And for sure, dont comment when you have no clue what you are talking about. So there, starting fresh.
Well it really snowed, not alot but alot for SE pa. We rarely see snow anymore. Its that global warming , so they say. I miss the old winters, going out to play in the snow, careless days. But it is pretty. I didnt even touch my car yet. I guess i should before i try and drive it. Maybe some nice soul dusted it off for me, doubt it haha. You know its been very hard trying to get my body back on a regular schedule. It still wants to be up at night, and sleep during the day. And the sleep i get during the day is wonderful, just as good as any nighttime sleep. Ive tried everything. I mean i do it, obviuosly but my body always wants a nap and then im up at night. I gotta work harder to change it, i dont mind it all that much but i want to be alive when everyone else is. 
Ive always had issues where im just exhausted, so tired from nothing. Like a weight is holding me down and i CANT possibly do anything , normal stuff. My bloodwork has never been bad, although i havent had any in like 10 yrs lol, but ive always been this way. Then when i get energy i use it like crazy, all at once. i never can figure out why i get so drained from nothing. I do think that the longer i sleep the worse i am, but i always thought my body must need it if i sleep that much. Who knows. But it stinks. its hard to describe the tiredness i get.  My brain is ready to go, my body cant cooperate. Im thinking i should start reg exercising again. I do here and there but nothing regular. Besides being good for me, i hear it does bring up your energy level. A body in motion stays in motion! So i better get moving lol. 
xoxo T.

Somehow, a lil note.

Still feeling kinda crappy - oh well, ill feel better tomorrow, . The boys have to leave me this weekend, so im sad already! I'll be working the whole time, i just hate missing them. We are all each other has. My stomach has really been bothering me, i dont know if i have reflux or just some of the vitamens are bothering me, i dont usually have a full stomach to take anything on. HM maybe its my lifestyle catching up with me. Maybe its getting to be time to turn my schedule around- back from upside down. I was reading an article about self sabotage. I didnt finish it, - i cant finish anything anymore- very distractable. Anyway, it looked good, i;ll let you know. I hope its not raining tomorrow b/c i wanted to take the boys to Linvilla to get pumpkins and mums. That would be nice. Considering Halloween is Monday!
Thats me for you. last minute, procrastinator, but i get it done- SOMEHOW lol.

Really bad mood

Ive just been having a bad few days. My mood is down, i just feel like crap. Im in a rut, and i gotta get out cause i feel like im sinking quick. I really dont have much to say , i just wanted to check in. Now with me, this mood could get better today, or it could get worse. Rarely will it stay the same. I just feel like im stuck in the same day over and over , and its not a good day. Ive let relationships slowly fall apart, and then i wonder why i dont have any close friends. Its my fault. I dont keep my end of the deal. and its because im so god damn moody. Im just tired of all of this.