Thursday, July 21, 2011

OK OK< im back!

Im back, i never really left, but i was in a pissy mood. Now i feel somewhat better. I've been so down, slept the last 3 days , i mean i was up for a little but basically asleep. Depression sucks, makes you sleep when you didnt think you had any sleep left in you. I saw my shrink today. Adjusted my meds AGAIN> Will we ever get it right? Im off the Pristiq, thank god, now i just am left with electrical surges in my brain, hopefully it wont last too long. He put me back on my Adderall and increased my Vyvanse- im ok with that. Starting a new AD- Viibryd. Its brand spanking new. Im actually the first one to get it filled at my pharmacy- wow , a real guinea pig!! Guess we will see huh. Secondly he put me on Geodon, a mood stabilizer. I thought it would make me tired, but he told me the opposite, do these doctors really know half the side effects of the meds they perscribe? . I'll figure that one out on my own.
We are still trying to figure out why im continuing to sleep on the couch every night and have no regular sleep schedule. We know im doing it on purpose and there is no reason i cant sleep in my bed and take my sleep meds like i used to. But im fighting it. He thinks its because i can escape the world if im ass backwards. If i wake up and have a normal day, it means facing the depression, facing the pain, facing the anger i still have towards Mike, my husband that died a year ago- of cancer. Im still pissed at him, for alot of reasons, guess i havent gotten past that stage of grief- maybe i really do need to see someone for bereavement. Maybe i cant do it all alone. Maybe im really not superwoman.
I know i can change these habits i started, i know im strong enough - ive got to take the first step. I have a great bed, i bought a new mattress pad- pillowtop, 600 thread count, etc. i bought a new pillow, i bought a new quilt, i have my trazadone and xanax. Why cant i do what i used to LOVE to do. Get in my jammies, take my meds, and watch tv till i fell asleep in my big cozy bed. It used to be heaven. Instead i sleep on a couch- very comfy tho- with a blanket ???
I would like to thank my new follower, She came right when i needed, and although it seems trivial, its not. Its the little things in life, that count sometimes. Anyway, i hope she does start blogging again.