Sunday, October 6, 2013

Head is spinning.

Once again, i ask myself the question, why is life so hard? Or at least for me. I get so tired of my mind spinning and spinning trying to figure out the answers. Nothing is ever easy, its always a chore, just to get the easy things in life accomplished. Im trying to go back to school, taking online classes- its so hard,considering ive been out of school for like 15 yrs at least. And the procrastinator that i am , im always underestimating the time i need to complete assignments so they are either late or i miss turning them in. Its not that i cant do the work, its my lack of organizational skills and my procrastination. Im scared ill never amount to anything at this point. Being out on unemployment makes me never want to work again. But im not rich and money from my late husband wasnt left to me last minute. He had some birdies in his dying ear so his girlfriend got 50k, and of course my boys have a trust. We werent divorced, just seperated but still loved each other. Its a long disgusting story of how people take advantage of dying people. To his dying day i took care of him, and was with him in the hospital that night. We had discussed it and he was leaving me money to cover all of our marital debt and so that the boys and I would have somewhere secure to always live, but like i said, things changed last minute when his girlfriend was a witness to his will, the one he made less than 48 hours before he died, and he was in no shape to make a will. But i wouldnt , didnt, couldnt fight the will. It was his last words, and who was i to fight it, besides his wife and mother to his children!! It wasn't in me tho. So i remain poor , living in debt with nothing to my name. Besides that, im scared of what lies ahead of me. Does anything? Im scared to fail school, be a nothing. My fear and anxiety overwhelm me at times. But i never let it show , to anyone. Being a single parent is very scary, and it pisses me off, i didnt sign up for this. Its no ones fault and there is no one to blame and I think that is why i get so aggravated
Enough bitching. I will overcome this like always, im just scared and anxious and tonight my head is spinning. Had to vent.